@andywritesstuff.bsky.social

@andywritesstuff.bsky.social

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Nothing profound here Poetry from my journal about my life Depression, dysphoria, vulnerability when I try to hide it

I saw my father in the mirror this morning The sharpness of his jaw His hair in the 90s, when he was 19 I looked again later and saw my mother The heavy, sad bags under her eyes But also the way her smile stretched across her face The roundness of her cheeks I saw my grandmother in the way I made coffee that evening And remembered her softness Sitting in her lap and watching by soap operas I saw my grandfather’s hands when I went to paint And wondered if his art helped him hurt less too I saw how easily my son found joy in the world And I thought of my sister And how much I missed her laughter No man is an island, and every part of me Is pulled from everyone that I have ever loved
Smiling through the performance of connection Every move I make feels like the wrong one Can’t say what I’d like to say What I need to say It’s too much for now You asked me to wait So I will But I am aching Dying To consume you whole
I’d like to see you fuckers drown Or burn like I do Trying to keep everyone else’s candles lit
There is nothing left in me I say every day And yet somehow You find something to break Every day
The Assyrians believed That dreaming of eating an apple meant you Would get what your heart desires I hope tonight I dream I eat a whole orchard
I can put on a brave face Get up and pretend I can move like I used to And I can do anything I want But when I get home The pretending stops And I am humbled by the pain
The flowers scream to consume me Earth and Sky agree I long to complete this cycle My flesh rots on the bone Please let me exit Samsara soon
Little moments of annoyance An eye roll, a sigh, tense under my touch I am so sorry I set the bar so low Each little moment, a knife in my heart This taste of my own medicine Has been So Bitter
When I am murdered They won’t find my head or my hands A simple cruelty To disguise the much larger atrocities
She says she likes the way I smell again. Cigarette smoke and ash, her favorite brand. My kisses taste good again. I will never stop smoking.
The day I dressed my daughter For the last time I dropped her hand The heaviness of it And the thud of it hitting her empty chest Frightened me like nothing else Ever has
Every time I see a boy on a skateboard go by I get a pang of jealousy in my heart “That should’ve been me.”
Lost a pack of cigarettes And then two days later found on on the ground I hope Someone can find the value in something As awful as me, too Even though I am also lost
Lost a pack of cigarettes And then two days later found one on the ground I hope Someone can find the value in something As awful as me, too Even though I am also lost
Do you want the pain of Wounds healing Scars fading Or do you want the pain Of your shackles Forever
Maybe one day As I am writhing in hell You will look down from your spot in the heavens And whisper I was right about you One more time
You have to love me from a distance It’s the only way that I can’t bite The inevitable puncture wounds of my Misguided anger Only serve to breed infection
I found a list The world’s nine ugliest flowers And I hope one day I am remembered for The worth I have in my personal ecosystem And not just for my insufficient beauty
Tears like glass Scraped across pavement I swallow asbestos Again and again My body is an abandoned prison And the guards and inmates have shot Themselves
I shake my fist at the demiurge from the pits of This reality hell I AM TEARING MY FACE OFF I AM TEARING MY FACE OFF I AM TEARING MY FACE OFF and yet nothing changes
Suffer Die Watch as everyone around you Suffers And dies I am at the center of everything that happens to Me And so the question remains, are you worth remembering?
I felt Lighter Yesterday I thought maybe it could Possibly Hopefully Be the weightlessness of Happiness But it seems it is merely the lightness of Emptiness
Inhale asbestos Exhale sarin gas Everything about me is a poison
I wrap her hair around my fingers Long strands of golden silk Like holding Sunshine In my hands
To my wife’s best friend Thank you for making her smile And for giving her hope back That she could live a life worth living And reminding her that She’s worthy of the world, and That the world isn’t worthy of her
The pinkest pink Could never compare to the Sweet blush that spreads across your cheeks I can see You’re so in love
Maybe I really am a bad dog Worthless A shattered mirror slicing at The gentle hands that only reach to Console me I bite myself again And again And again And destroy everything around me
What is it within me that is so rotten, Reaching out with festering hands To Choke The life out of everything I touch
Today I put my son on the bus I love him. I hope he knows I watched my wife sleep I love her But she knows I don’t deserve her
If the world was ending In nuclear hellfire, Even if I hadn’t pushed the button, Would you hold my hand?
There is no reward No “Jesus’s number 1 sufferer” For making myself and everyone miserable I have cast myself into Hell For NO FUCKING REASON
I am puppeted by my emotions (Don’t do that. Don’t say that!) Thoughtless. Empty vessel (WHY DID YOU SAY THAT) Stupid fucking animal (WHY WON’T YOU STOP)
I’m giving to share with you The thing I love most …to make things better? Make me better? I don’t even understand my own logic
I just want to be better I just want you to love me the most Even though I am not worthy
But there is one thing she is wrong about It turns out I am the one With the Tar Soul
Somewhere there is an alternate universe Where I am happy I said the right things Made the good choices Made others happy and loved And I wonder Where did the timeline split
I am standing in a dark room I am standing in a dark room I am standing in a dark room I am standing in a dark room I am standing in a dark room I am standing in a dark room You shine a flashlight on me I can only hide my face in my hands I was created in darkness. The light hurts
It’s been almost a year of wearing The wrong prescription glasses My vision is worse than ever Fuck it Why should I be allowed to See your beauty now?
Every day I see more of my parents in me The way my mom picked at her lips, nails, skin The way my dad’s nose would peel when he Got sunburned and his dandruff Her inability to be sober His explosive anger and hostility They way neither of them could Tell each other anything honestly and vulnerably To fix anything
I fantasize about cars Crashing into me On my walks home Maybe I’ll go through someone’s Windshield and into their arms Love hurts, doesn’t it?
One day I will wake up On the floor And the impact of my head On tile Will knock everything painful Out of me Forever
Pain is relative Learn to like it Learn to like it Learn to like it LEARN TO LIKE IT
I feel LOATHSOME A child begging for things They don’t deserve Please slap my hands away Tell me to appreciate what I’ve got I should be punished for being so greedy
At my core I am still A small Scared Child That I want to shake to death
It’s getting cold Freezing air hurts me Nearly half the year As my cosmic punishment
I am disease I am poison I am violent trauma inflicted on Everything around me I don’t need to be here
This morning I saw My Normal Neighbor Doing Normal Things, Taking out the trash. I don’t think I want to be Could never be “Normal” I just want the energy To take out the trash
I can still Touch softly Speak gently Listen intently Please remember, I am capable of So much Love As well