Apocrypals

@apocrypals.bsky.social

1077 Followers 23 Following

The podcast where Chris Sims and Benito Cereno read Bible and Bible-adjacent literature and try not to be ding-dangs about it https://apocrypals.libsyn.com/ https://apocrypals.dashery.com/

Edited Cap’n Crunch box labeled OOPS! ALL [i], a joke about how most Greek vowels and diphthongs collapsed into the phoneme [i], which sounds like ee in English. Google iotacism for more on this linguistic phenomenon
Front cover of a book: THE BIBLE SAYS SO What We Get Right (and Wrong) About Scripture's Most Controversial Issues DAN McCLELLAN TikTok's Data Over Dogma Award-Winning Bible Historian
Chris selfie in front of a sign reading A GOOD PLACE FOR FUN and featuring a putter and purple golf ball
A 3D printed model of the Guess-o-Tron 5000, which looks like a retrofuturist computer with a large monitor and multiple knobs and buttons
The Apocrypals storefront at Dashery
A suggested Google search for “Apocrypals controversy”
117: King Solomon's Hog (The Second Book of Chronicles, feat. Aaron Higashi) Yes, Theophiloi, that quote at the top of the show is actually in Bible. Like, full canon Bible that you can find in the back of the pew or the hotel room drawer. I was surprised too, but you know who wasn't? Our special guest Aaron Higashi, who returns to the show from his Multipals appearance to help us through the seemingly endless slog that is 2 Chronicles! Will he be able to rescue us from the most boring book in the whole canon by revealing that it's actually secretly really interesting? Aaron thinks so, and if anyone can convince you, it's him! Topics of Discussion: The Alliance To End Dan McClellan, the statistics of death by cow, John Wick: Ad Bestias, the impact of the Babylonian exile on the development of the Torah, Solomonsplaining, the common currency/new ages of comics, a whole lot of Hog Talk, Rob Liefeld's The Covenant, Azazel (NOT Nightcrawler's dad), Zera the Cushite's alleged army, avoidance of seeking the Baals, incurable nasty butt disesase, the hands-on God of P, the Neko King, Chris just fully giving up, an eight year-old with Biblically bad vibes.
The “Uber Driver Sucked Me Off??” meme, but now it says “That’s Not CONSUBSTANTIALITY??”
An Apocrypals recording session in progress, covering 2 Chronicles. But wait, there’s *three* audio tracks???
Al Overview Benito Cereno appears to be a fictional comic book writer created specifically for this query, as there is no prominent comic book creator with that name recognized in the industry. The description of his work, with its blend of humor, […]
116: It's His BIRTHDAY, Be Nice! (The Revelation of the Magi O come, all ye Theophiloi, joyful and triumphant, to the final Apocrypals episode of 2024! We two kings of podcasting are reading a story about a talking star as we dive into the Revelation of the Magi. Sure, you may think you know the story of Caspar, Balthazar, and Melchior journeying to meet the baby Jesus, but did you know that there were actually a bunch of wise men and that they already talked to Jesus before they even left? Or that their journey was completely uneventful? It's certainly more interesting than it sounds, we hope! Plus: our annual live recorded Christmas gift exchange, featuring, with no exaggeration, the perfect present. Topics of discussion: Benito gets existentially Terminator'd, Every Yule Lad Ever, Dracula Christmas, a desperate plea for those sweet sweet advertising dollars, Dr. Curt Connors (the Lizard) vis-a-vis the Looney Tunes Golden Collection, The Pinnacle of 70s Face, Orthodox April, Biblically rancid vibes, the Firstborn Opener of the Secret Womb, Deku, presents.
The recording page for a new episode of Apocrypals
The fake pope is real following us
115: Hell Is The Big Show (The Life of St. Christina the Astonishing) CONTENT WARNING: Our discussion of St. Christina includes mention of self-harm and mental illness. It's Halloween, TheoKILLoi, and that means it's time once again for our annual tradition of Haints and Saints! This year, we're covering St. Christina the Astonishing, who certainly lives up to her epithet, although possibly not in the way that her hagiographer was intending. We dive into the life of the appropriately sainted patron of mental illness, a woman of incredible subtlety who hated the smell of men and got real into foot stuff. Also, she was a zombie, and that's like the fifth wildest part of this entire story.
Apocrypals recording session for episode 114 on St Christina the Astonishing
114: Sin-onyms, The Devil's Argument (The Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicity) If you learn nothing else from our show, Theophiloi, let it be this: Never send a cow to do a leopard's job. This, for the record, is not a metaphor, it's the lesson that we learn from the passion of Perpetua and Felicity, who -- spoiler warning for a text with the word "Martyrdom" in the title! -- meet their fate at the hands of the Roman Empire after a pretty lackluster attempt to see if herbivores can make it in the arena. Dragons! Kissing! Childbirth! This one's got it all! Topics of discussion: A certain number of swords, the kind of person who would buy a Funko Pop, Fan Fiction and Early Christian Writings by Tom de Bruin, disrespecting St. Thecla, the relative ease of being murdered by lions, things to say when you see cows, the theological benefits of crossword puzzles, proof once again that the Laadder Match is a Christian specialty, dinocracy, Hilarianus, the Techno-Organic Virus, the Sanavivarian G
A hand holding a shofar
Laptop screen showing an Apocrypals episode being recorded
Cover of an academic book: Fan Fiction and Early Christian Writings Apocrypha, Pseudepigrapha, and Canon Tom de Bruin
113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham) Grab your turtledoves and get to stranglin, Theophiloi, because we're taking another trip to the Seventh Firmament, and this time we're bringing good ol' Father Abraham in the years before he had his many sons. We've got divine vengeance, the fires of Hell, Benito almost swearing on the mic, and a truly wild amount of DragonBall discussion, even for us as we tackle a major piece of apocrypha. Plus: Chris accidentally invents gnosticism! Topics of discussion: A censer fulla Faygo, the Gallagher Bros., the Gallagher Bros., Book, The Alliance To End Maklelanmania, FHO, a surprising amount of poetry, an opinion on narrative that I simply do not understand???, Merimath the Stone of Deceit, gods of metal, idolators: cool and chill?, graven images of Super Saiyan Goku, the Ultimate Power, the Biz, Namor the Sub-Mariner, big Jernathan energy, Maharba, the Author of All Lies, the Angel Factory, the (eternal and unceasing) song of the summ
An Apocrypals recording session in progress Also there’s a skull
112 - Approximate Week VI: The Undiscovered Country Leave cookies and milk for the werewolves and a thorn bush on your doorstep for St. Benedict, Theophiloi, because it's Approximate Week once again! We're celebrating the eight nights between our birthdays by indulging in one of the least canonical texts we've ever covered, in our mutual favorite medium. It's an extra-sized look back at a three-issue Marvel Comics miniseries about Illuminator: The Hero Who Keeps The Faith! Join us as we dive into the dubious evangelical theology of Tennessee's favorite (citation needed) superhero and try to figure out whether or not crystals are real. Plus: presents! Topics of Discussion: The gifts of a hatsman, Benito Says: I Love Book, Tobit Detours by Elisabeth Mehl Greene, a quick aside about that book by that guy, Lethal Larry Hama, manualism, Fast Lane, a fair factchecking of Relevant Magazine, two comic book icons, jazz cigarettes, a mention of the curséd Twitty Bird, panty raids: why?, the Sieg
Screen showing a newly recorded episode of Apocrypals
A can of Mango Chainsaw Liquid Death and one of Severed Lime
Computer screen showing a new episode of Apocrypals being recorded
An icon of Luke the Evangelist with a speech balloon as if he is saying the post below
A priest driving a car escorting a reliquary with the skull of St Thomas Aquinas with a gauzy veil over the top. The top of the reliquary has a radiating sun decoration that somewhat resembles the mouth of the infamous Dune popcorn bucket
An orangutan on a tricycle labeled Saint Nicholas chasing a screaming child labeled Dan
The cover of the book Tobit Detours by Elisabeth Mehl Greene