THE FAR SIDE DAILY

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The Far Side, near at hand Account by @cowtools.org

“Okay, Frank, that’s enough. … I’m sure the Jeffersons are quite amazed at your car headlight device.”
Eventually, Murray took the job—but his friends never did speak to him again.
“Well, okay, Frank. … Maybe it is just the wind.”
“Man, these pups today with all their fancy balls and whatnot. … Why, back in our day, we had to play with a half-rotted cat’s head.”
Obscene duck call
Testifying before a Senate subcommittee, the Hardy boys crack the Iran-Contra scandal.
“Thag, take napkin. … Got some mammoth on face.”
“Here he comes, Earl. … Remember, be gentle but firm … we are absolutely, positively, NOT driving him south this winter.”
“Listen up, my Cossack brethren! We’ll ride into the valley like the wind, the thunder of our horses and the lightning of our steel striking fear in the hearts of our enemies! … And remember—stay out of Mrs. Caldwell’s garden!”
Back in his college days, Igor was known as the HBOC.
“Well, once again, here we are.”
“Okay, one more time and it’s off to bed for the both of you. …‘Hey, Bob. Think there are any bears in this old cave?’…‘I dunno, Jim. Let’s take a look.’”
“And here’s the jewel of my collection, purchased for a king’s ransom from a one-eyed man in Istanbul. ... I give you—Zuzu’s petals.”
“For crying out loud, I was hibernating! … Don’t you guys ever take a pulse?”
“Egad! It’s those weird possums from across town! … Everyone fake like you’re dead.”
“I wouldn’t do that, Spunky—I have friends in pie places.”
In medieval times, a suit of armor often served as a family’s message center.
Tapeworms visiting a stomach park
“Okay—those that want to call our new club ‘The Buccaneers’ raise their … Hey! Who’s the wise guy that keeps cracking his knuckles?”
“I lift, you grab. … Was that concept just a little too complex, Carl?”
“What the? ... Margaret! Margaret! Wake up! ... The bed’s covered with coconuts!”
Charlie Brown in Indian country
“It’s no use. I drink and I drink, and I still can’t forget.”
“You’re gonna be okay, mister, but I can’t say the same for your little buddy over there. … The way I hear it, he’s the one that mouthed off to them gunfighters in the first place.”
The Hendersons of the Jungle
Hannibal’s first attempt
“He’s using blanks—pass it on.”
Knowing how it could change the lives of canines everywhere, the dog scientists struggled diligently to understand the Doorknob Principle.
Through mostly grunts and exaggerated gestures, two fishermen-gatherers attempt to communicate.
“That does it, Carl. … You’re through doing the bookings.”
“You’ve got to watch out for them gopher holes, Roger.”
“Hold still, Omar. … Now look up. Yep. You’ve got something in your eye, all right. Could be sand.”
“Don’t ask me how it happened, Stan—just get your abdomen over here and get me unstuck!”
“Sorry, mister, but this is what we do to cattle rustlers in these parts.”
“Heeeeeere, yakity yak yak yak! … Come, come, yakity yak yak yak!”
“Well, don’t look at me, idiot! … I said we should’ve flown!”
“Oh Thorg! The new bird feeder is wonderful!”
“You know, Sid, I really like bananas. … I mean, I know that’s not profound or nothin’. … Heck! We all do. … But for me, I think it goes far beyond that.”
“There! Quick, Larry! Look! … Was I kidding? … That sucker’s longer than the boat!”
“Those snakes? Oh, they’re just signing, honey.”
“Wait just a gol dang minute here! He’s been dealin’ from the bottom of the deck, Jake! My pappy always said, ‘Never trust a grizzly.’”
“Well, I suppose you’re all wondering why I’ve asked you here today. … Ha! I’ve always wanted to say that.”
How vampires have accidents
“It’s worse than I first suspected, Mr. Binkley—you don’t even have a funny bone.”
“Remember, milk, eggs, loaf of bread … and pick up one of those No-Penguin-Strips.”
“So, Carl—attacked by any giant carrots lately?”
“Oh, God! Here comes Finchley! … He’s out of the closet, you know—says he kills only for food, not for sport.”
“You folks like flies? Well, wait till you see the parlor!”
“Harry! I found this note from Mary Beth! … She’s run off with a spoon!”
Loch Ness mobsters