Brian Burwell

@brianburwell.bsky.social

378 Followers 645 Following

In small doses, botulism toxin tightens and tones the facial muscles... instead of killing you in the most horrible fashion imaginable. Give me back my floppy face!
This isn't a business plan. It's an escape plan.
(ALL CHEERING) Let the dumping resume! What's going on? Everybody dead. Oh, see now. You know who they gonna blame this on.
The name "Brian" in lights like the name "Roxy" during the song of the same name from the musical "Chicago"
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the car designed for the average man: the Homer! Any questions? What does this monstrosity cost?
You brought this on yourself.
"Burkina Faso"? "Disputed Zone"? Who called all these weird places? Quiet. It might be you. I can't remember. No, I'm gonna ask Marge! No! No! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins. Ahh.
I'm dying. (COUGHS) I need mouth-to-ass resuscitation.
an upset trump being comforted after shitting himself while out golfing
(ALL GASP) Hey, cool. The air is on fire. Ho, ho, ho. Everyone's dead.
A screenshot of what the weight of $1.00 of gold would be. With the price of of gold being $4,551 per troy ounce on July 15, 2026, $1 worth of gold would weigh approximately 0.00022 troy ounces (or 0.0069 grams).
Image of "album art" for ai music. Ai slop such as: "mushroom cloud," "hillbilly wobble wobble," "she bad, but so am I," and "granny ate my gummy."
An image of a bottle brush with colorful bristles sitting in two parts after falling apart
Well, I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory, like we did last year. This isn't bad. It's not that good. But it's not that bad. It's so-so. Uh, More or less.
Still shot of the iconic scene from "The Six" where Cole Sear (Haley Joel Osment) says, "I see dead people," with the caption at the bottom of the image.
(SCREAMS) He's dead! Wait. What are these strings on his lap? What the... He isn't dead. He's one of those dog-operated puppets that's been adapted for use by a cat!
We now return to the E! True Hollywood Story.
and your daughter is a flopper.
List of prohibited items you cannot bring to the Salute to America 2026 A Fourth of July Celebration: ✕ Aerosols (Bug Spray and Sunscreen) ✕ Ammunition ✕ Animals other than service/guide animals ✕ Backpacks and bags exceeding size restrictions ✕ Balloons ✕ Balls / Frisbees ✕ Bicycles ✕ Bull Horns / Noise Makers ✕ Camping Chairs ✕ Coolers ✕ Drones and Other Unmanned Aircraft Systems ✕ Drink Tumblers ✕ Explosives ✕ Firearms ✕ Flammable Liquids ✕ Folding Chairs ✕ Food / Water Bottles ✕ Glass, Thermal, or Metal Water Bottles ✕ Laser Pointers ✕ Lighters ✕ Mace / Pepper Spray ✕ Packages ✕ Pocket Knives ✕ Range Finders ✕ Recreational Motorized Mobility Devices ✕ Selfie Sticks ✕ Signs Exceeding the Size Restrictions (20" × 3' × 1/4") ✕ Skateboards / Scooters ✕ Structures ✕ Supports for Signs and Placards ✕ Toy Guns ✕ Umbrellas ✕ Vapes or Smokeless Tobacco ✕ Weapons of Any Kind
A gif from Futurama with Professor Farnsworth saying, "not even God One and God Two put together," to suggest you shouldn't expect miracles.
What if we live together, and you understand what I'm saying?
I have to go take a diarrhea!
A Hellish landscape of how Mar-a-lago will look during the end times before everyone there is dragged to Hell during Armageddon.
Do not eat the blue mints!
Ee-eew. Lisa, the blob has got me! Don't touch me, or it'll get you too! Dad, you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean. Chlorine, eh? My face is on fire!
Lightweights! Oh, wait. Chlorine.
Image of a criminal
A photo of two Anker SOLIX C300 portable power station boxes even though only one power station was ordered. A standard 12 fl oz can is seen in the photo to give scale.
Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.