Burger Bard

@burgerbard.bsky.social

192 Followers 376 Following

A kingly delight in every bite!

"Update!" Vibes, coding
CAPTION: One morning, the Burger Bard was sleeping beneath his favorite tree, waiting for the bell to ring that might call him to action. KNIGHT: The piper must be paid. The chickens will always come home to roost. The old man is dead. Your time is over. Stand up and fight. BURGER BARD: Uh, do I know you? KNIGHT: Since birth. We might have grown up together, if you were capable of growth. KNIGHT: But you never change, never learn. We're stuck in time, both of us. I can't move on til you're gone. KNIGHT: You think you're the hero of the story. You're an advertisement, no more. An invader in the palace of the mind. They'll remember you, but they won't miss you. It goes away faster than you think it will.
(Vibes lives in a cluttered, two-person college-type apartment, and has taken over both sides. A bed, a desk and rolling chair, electrical wires, boxes, clothing, and other clutter are evident. She sits in front of an old computer, and a mid-century device identifiable as an even older computer. Vibes has stolen several wooden crates from the palace.) BURGER BARD: Vibes! You're not ready? You said we were going surfing today. VIBES: We are! We're surfing the internet! The World Wide Web! BURGER BARD: I'm not sitting around all day watching you type things into a computer -- Urk! (Vibes puts her arm on Burger Bard's back. He winces in pain from an old wound.) VIBES: But our "web-site" BurgerBard.com has all kinds of fun comics, games, puzzles and activities! Scan in the proof-of-purchase barcode from any specially-marked Burger Bard product for more exciting content! (A radial grid appears, and artificial mountains. Vibes appears on her own computer screen, emitting binary.)
CURLY: "Call me Ishmael." FRENCHIE: Call me hungry! KOLA BEAR: (seasick) Call me a cab. (urph) VIBES: There she blows! BURGER BARD: It's a sea monster. VIBES: I see. (Burger Bard and Kola Bear are now in a canoe rowing away from Soakey.) BURGER BARD: Faster, Mr. Kola! It must want our delicious Burger Bard fish sandwiches! SOAKEY: That's right! KOLA BEAR: I'm rowing as fast as I can, captain. BURGER BARD: Look out, there's a net! KOLA BEAR: Who's Annette?
They're little. They're fun. They're only at Burger Bard. min·i·a·ture (adjective, noun) smaller than normal, especially as a scaled-down replica an·i·mal (noun) distinct from plants, from Latin "having breath or soul," a living organism feeding on organic matter, typically with sense organs and a nervous system, and able to respond rapidly to stimuli. min·i·mals (noun) little animal friends, from Burger Bard Original Hamburgers
A Burger Bard Crystalectrics game. A plastic LCD handheld. It is the "treasure hunt" game, either Halmon's Egg Hunt or the Bard's Burger Hunt
KING BEAREON: There are none alive who would remember it, but once upon a time, your favorite King was a varsity athlete. I've slowed down over the years but I've still got it. Like the old days. Catching the pigskin and breaking hearts. HALMON EGGS: I found an egg! HONEY HASH BRUIN: Heartbreak is as inevitable as the tides. yet I cannot believe we were meant to carry the weight of a human soul alone. My only crime is that I loved too much. But that was crime enough. I’ll be punished by love til the moon and sun fall from the sky. HALMON EGGS: I found another egg! TACO SAL: Hell of a game to play as an alcoholic. Feel like I'm shooting my own demons. Turns out I haven’t lost my aim. Wait. Something’s wrong. It’s like a dream. We live on the eggshell edge of a dream. There’s a man watching from the window, in the armor of a medieval ... CAPTION: There's 19 exciting Crystalectrics LCD handheld sports games you can play on the go! Collect them all in six designs and a variety of fun colors. But hurry! When they’re gone they’re gone forever!
GLOOMY WOLF: Nyahuhuhoo! My creation is a slam dunk! One does like to be keeping in shape. And dear Beefenschtein, if you can be stopping me getting the ball in the ball basket, oh let's say I'll buy you a toy. BEEFENSCHTEIN: PONY. GLOOMY WOLF: You have enough with the ponies. BAT MAGIC: The Chicken Witch is a deadly foe, but there's one thing she doesn't know. Into this vent I'll throw a heater, Fireballs hot enough to defeat her. The fate of the kingdom is at stake but methinks we'll have a chicken bake. CHICKEN WITCH: [A weakness of the magic crowd: We say our secret plans out loud.] FRENCHIE: I dunno about the fate of the kingdom. I just like to play volleyball, and hope everyone has fun. no need for politics. CURLY: And you're the greatest person alive. But women playing sports is political. Under patriarchy. Because some men need to feel superior to all women. VIBES: Radically political, dudes! New Yolk City can be a dangerous place. Doesn't make sense. Why are there giant spiked balls everywhere? And I collect trophies? Can I have soda instead? nice cold bevvy. CAPTION: Soda Get!
BURGER BARD: Whew, slow down old chum! This isn't a race. KOLA BEAR: Haven't you heard? Everybody's racing to Burger Bard to try the new Crystalectrics sports games! BURGER BARD: Okay but you've got to warn me in advance about these things. I'm the face of the brand and I can't be seen lagging behind. I had two hamburgers and I feel like I'm going to throw up. KOLA BEAR: Delicious Burger Bard hamburgers are a healthy way to start your day! BURGER BARD: They're really not. Unless you dismiss the idea entirely that some foods are healthier than others. KOLA BEAR: I can! BURGER BARD: You need to get your calories either way. We're built to seek out high calorie foods. It's filling, it's something to eat, it's fine. We’ll cut this part out. Good ad read though. KOLA BEAR: Thanks! I live for your approval! BURGER BARD: Unhealthy but honest. Why do I have three arms?
GLOOMY WOLF: Nyahuhuhoo! At fast my lastest creation comes to horrible life! The Lyco-motive! Fast as a silver bullet, a motorized monster on four wheels. I'm feeling the necessity for velocity! BEEFENSCHTEIN: Speed. GLOOMY: You always know the right words to say. VIBES: Rise and slime, slowpokes. DJ Vibes and Honey Hash Bruin are playing the hits and coming right at you with this sporty little number that's got more horse power and girl power than anything else on the road. The Rose Roadstar. HONEY: We were calling it The Pink Princess. VIBES: Til I came up with something cooler. HONEY: You should respect my wishes. Bears used to rule this land. VIBES: Did you race cars back then? HONEY: All we did was race cars. VIBES: Hot.
Issue Ten of ARG Digest Magazine. Burger Bard is featured in a two-page spread.
HALMON EGGS: Ground control to space station Ark. There's been a fuel leak. Five astronauts are stranded in space. I've missed a hot breakfast and the cosmonauts keep calling me "comrade." We can't afford any miscalculation. HONEY HASH BRUIN: We can't afford any what? HALMON EGGS: Take the numbers, Miss Calculation. We're refueling, in space. Kola Bear, are you listening, or are you trying to drink orange juice in zero gravity? KOLA BEAR: Snerp? VIBES: Wow, far out!*
CURLY: "Call me Ishmael." FRENCHIE: Call me hungry! KOLA BEAR: (seasick) Call me a cab. (urph) VIBES: There she blows! BURGER BARD: It's a sea monster. VIBES: I see. (Burger Bard and Kola Bear are now in a canoe rowing away from Soakey.) BURGER BARD: Faster, Mr. Kola! It must want our delicious Burger Bard fish sandwiches! SOAKEY: That's right! KOLA BEAR: I'm rowing as fast as I can, captain. BURGER BARD: Look out, there's a net! KOLA BEAR: Who's Annette?
ANNOUNCER: Vibes the Y2Cat is the Sporty one. She is a terrific athlete, an elite computer hacker, and best skater in the kingdom. BURGER BARD: It's still impossible for me to get used to this redesign. VIBES: Okay. Check out this neat kickflip I can do. BURGER BARD: It always felt so cynical, trying too hard. Pure market research, like, okay, we need the cool girl on the team now. VIBES: You think I'm cool? BURGER BARD: You're like a whole different person. VIBES: Cool. You should try it sometime. BURGER BARD: What, changing myself radically? VIBES: I do everything radically. Maybe you're stuck in the past. BURGER BARD: Do I look like I'm (stuck in the past)? Don't answer that. VIBES: Do you think your on-camera persona is entirely your own creation, uninformed by societal and market factors under capitalism? Because you too have been focus grouped, my friend. BURGER BARD: It's not the same thing.
HALMON EGGS: I knew she was trouble the minute she stepped into my door. But trouble is one of my favorite weaknesses. HONEY HASH BRUIN: Oh Hal, I missed breakfast, and I'm dying for a hearty meal. HALMON EGGS: You've come to the wrong place, Honey. This ain't no greasy spoon joint. This ain't no jazz club either. I don't do that anymore. HONEY HASH BRUIN: Oh, but you must remember this. HALMON EGGS: A Burger Bard hamburger. Hmm, this could be the start of a beautiful meal. HONEY HASH BRUIN: You really mean it? HALMON EGGS: Play it again, Burger Bard. BURGER BARD: The finest burgers in the land, at Burger Bard they're in your hand.
KOLA BEAR: Oh, I'm all out of juice. HONEY HASH BRUIN: Tired, cowboy? How about a toasted honey hash brown to wake you up? (Taco Sal enters) CURLY: It's Taco Sal! TACO SAL: You might think that you're the best, but I'm the fastest taco in the West. BURGER BARD: Can we talk about this? TACO SAL: Draw, partner. KOLA BEAR: Would you accept finger painting? (Taco Sal shoots an empty bottle) HONEY HASH BRUIN: Wow, that's cold-blooded.
CHICKEN WITCH: Eye see you, Burger Bard! To this land you've brought a curse, but I'll do something that is worse. CHICKEN WITCH: Alakazam and roll the dice, I turn your dinner to frozen ice! Caw ba-kaw! BURGER BARD: It's the chicken witch! She's frozen our delicious Burger Bard chicken sandwiches! BAT MAGIC: Soon this witch will take her leave. I've got something up my sleeve. KOLA BEAR: It's a magic battle! BAT MAGIC: It's a magic bat!
HALMON EGGS: Good morning, good morning, good morning from the farm. There's ham and eggs and sausage too, served piping hot and warm. CURLY: A bagel? FRENCHIE: A French croissant! CURLY: An English Muffin too. FRENCHIE: At Burger Bard our breakfast time's a good morning to you! HONEY HASH BRUIN: Our toasted honey hash browns will wake you up and get you moving. KOLA BEAR: I like mine with orange juice.
GLOOMY: My greatest creation! It's alive! Nyahuhuhoo! BEEFENSCHTEIN: Beef. GLOOMY: And just in time. Being a mad scientist makes me hungry like a wolf. BEEFENSCHTEIN: Beef. GLOOMY: Beefenschtein's powerful sense of smell will lead me to the hamburger dinner I crave. BURGER BARD: Did someone say hamburgers? GLOOMY: Burger Bard!
KING BEAREON: I'm still hungry, but everyone's asleep. Oh, wishing star. My kingdom for a cheeseburger! BURGER BARD: Did someone say cheeseburger? KING BEAREON: Burger Bard! BAT MAGIC: Star light, star bright, our drive-thru window is open all night! BURGER BARD: Your kingdom is safe, there's no need to fight. Burger Bard cheeseburgers are a kingly delight. CURLY: And don't forget the fries!