Miles Grover

@butt-goblin.com

644 Followers 793 Following

Kind of a fish-out-of-water situation, except the fish thinks having lungs is kinda cringe. Also the fish has a big butt https://butt-goblin.com

Butt Goblin just shows up in offices and claims it's "Take Your Goblin to Work Day" any time he wants to steal a stapler [Butt Goblin, holding a stapler behind his back, to a woman at a desk]: Oh hi, I'm Dave's goblin
Butt Goblin, trying his hand at being a mad scientist, invents a gum that actually does stay in your stomach for seven years. [Butt Goblin (dressed in a lab coat and holding up an Erlenmeyer flask full of a bubblegum pink substance)]: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
The mystery of what happened to the nose of the Great Sphinx of Giza is no secret to goblin archaeologists. But given how many people died when the nose fell off, they're OK with it staying mysterious [Butt Goblin lectures before a projection showing the original Great Sphinx with a green face, long ears, and a long nose. Then there's an image labeled "WHOOPSIE" with the nose falling off and people running away, and an image of the sphinx as it appears today with no nose]
Jimothy the Raccoon was born with a spinal deformity, which was lucky for Butt Goblin because it meant that he had someone to show him the ropes after he filled that witch's underwear drawer with ants [Butt Goblin seems to have been cursed by the witch to have a similar spinal condition as Jimothy]
It's important not to leave moldy leftovers in the fridge too long. Past a certain point it becomes unethical to just throw them away [Butt Goblin's leftovers have spawned a mold buffalo being chased by a mold guy with a spear]
It’s a horse with a bushy mustache !!
Butt Goblin had to get the truth out [Butt Goblin is handing out pamphlets titled "THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW" and inside it says "HORSES CAN GROW A MUSTACHE - DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH" with a picture of a horse with a mustache. It also says "100% TRUE!" and "ACTUALLY REAL"][This is real btw]
Although the museum curators appreciated Butt Goblin's... generosity, they unfortunately had to decline his donation [Butt Goblin is carrying a framed painting of himself being ridden like a horse by Napoleon]
Goblins typically don't grow any hair on their faces. Except for the instant they become a dad, obviously [Butt Goblin's dad looks surprised as a mustache pops onto his face. Someone off screen is saying "It's a Butt Goblin!" and handing an adorable baby Butt Goblin to his dad]
Butt Goblin's dad never taught him how to shave [Butt Goblin looks into a mirror, his face covered in cuts and gashes, including on his nose, forehead, ear, and even the back of his head. He's holding an electric shaver that says SAFE-T on it]
Butt Goblin is walking 5 dogs on the sidewalk. Caption: Butt Goblin is such a good neighbor! He loves to take dogs from the neighborhood out for a walk, for free, without even being asked
Butt Goblin sits at a bar with a margarita in front of him, chatting with someone offscreen. A slug is looking angrily at the margarita. Caption: Butt Goblin likes his margaritas with a salt rim, and as a bonus it also stops all these slugs from stealing his drink
Butt Goblin sniffs his armpit. Caption: Pit check! Uh-oh, Butt Goblin needs to put on some re-odorant
Butt Goblin finally finds a worm in his apple, only for this to happen [the worm has pulled a gun on Butt Goblin]
Butt Goblin holds an apple with a bite out of it. On the ground are several apple cores. Caption: All the stories about finding a worm in your apple made it sound so easy
Butt Goblin floats carried by a goblin balloon while he drops lit sticks of dynamite, with fireworks going off behind him. Caption: It's a lucky coincidence that the fourth of July happens to line up with the weekly goblin holiday, Día De Explosiones
Butt Goblin snickers behind his friend Lurko the Clown, who has opened a can labeled "SNAKE PRANK!" Caption: The can of snakes had only mixed nuts inside. Lurko nearly had a heart attack! [Lurko shows no emotion on his painted face.]
Butt Goblin stands looking contemplatively in front of a toilet with fire coming out of it. Caption: Butt Goblin might have an unhealthy relationship with spicy food
Butt Goblin and the Sewer Skeleton sit chatting in the sewer. [Sewer Skeleton]: It was so embarrassing. I said "epitome" like epi-tome in front of the whole class. [Butt Goblin]: Oh, I can totally relate. For the longest time I always read "clownfish" as clownf-ish - y'know, like, "kind of clownf" [Caption]: The Sewer Skeleton was really not sure if Butt Goblin was messing with him or what
Butt Goblin's cat, Madam Spaghetti, has been caught using a laptop, viewing a website called MaestroClass offering a class taught by a lasagna-loving orange cat entitled Becoming The Protagonist: Making Main Character Syndrome Work For You. Caption: Butt Goblin has never had a cat before, and none of the articles he read said anything about if this is normal behavior or not
Butt Goblin's Words of Affirmation - You are getting better every day at hiding in the bathroom at work
Butt Goblin's Words of Affirmation - You are complete just as you are. Unless you're trying to do a Voltron, in which case you're going to need more robot lions
Butt Goblin's Words of Affirmation - Today is a new day. The linear progression of time still works normally as far as I know
Butt Goblin's Words of Affirmation - It's OK to make mistakes! Everyone is on a learning journey. And you've learned that dogs don't bend that way
Butt Goblin's Words of Affirmation - You have a really nice butt on the inside too
A man in a suit places a newspaper on a desk. The headline reads "MONKEY BUSINESS RUNNING RAMPANT: MAYOR'S OFFICE UNABLE TO STOP IT". Behind the desk is a horse wearing a top hat and a sash that says MAYOR, stamping his hoof on the desk. Mayor: NEIGH! Damn that goblin! Caption: "They beat us again, Mr. Mayor"
Butt Goblin and a monkey are dressed for business. Behind them are signs with words crossed out: mischief, tomfoolery, shenanigans, hijinks, antics, buffoonery. Butt Goblin: It's go time. Caption: The mayor's war on whimsical troublemaking was not going well
Butt Goblin sits on the witness stand, speaking to a judge. Caption: "Your Honor, if I may, the mayor's office has brought charges against me for mischief in the first degree, but the incident in question was clearly an act of textbook tomfoolery." [Judge]: Case dismissed!
Butt Goblin holds a newspaper with the headline MAYOR DECLARES "ALL-OUT WAR" ON "MISCHIEVOUS LITTLE GUYS" Caption: "I wonder who that's about"
The goal of Butt Goblin's solitary protest outside the mayor's house on a seemingly random Monday at 2AM was mysterious at best [Butt Goblin carries a sign saying "KAZOO PLAYERS ARE REAL MUSICIANS" while tooting on a kazoo]
[Panel 1] AND NOW FOR ANOTHER ONE OF BUTT GOBLIN'S FAMOUS RANTS [Butt Goblin]: Y'all heard of this sandwich, the French dip? [Panel 2] [Butt Goblin]: Roast beef served "au jus"? Jus is French for "juice" BTW [Panel 3] [Butt Goblin]: They give you this little cuppa brown meat water to dip the sammy in and I'm like, this is juice? [Panel 4] [Butt Goblin]: Do they call it A.U. jus because it's from the Alternate Universe where juice is terrible?
Butt Goblin and a boy look through a two-way mirror at two goblins in lab coats examining a goblin wearing business casual clothes with a goatee and a short, common men's haircut. Caption: "My cousin, Gary. So sad. Our scientists are trying to figure out how he got so basic, and if it's contagious"
Butt Goblin stands holding a cross up to an approaching vampire. "That won't work on me unless you truly believe," says the vampire. "What happens if I don't believe in vampires?" says Butt Goblin. "NOOOOOOOO!" screams the vampire. "Don't worry, I do believe in vampires," says Butt Goblin. "I was just curious."
Thor once asked Butt Goblin to cover for him when he had to go to the DMV (for gods). Once. [Butt Goblin is hammering a whoopee cushion in the clouds to produce a fart sound for thunder]
Most people get the story of the Trojan Horse kinda wrong, but Butt Goblin has out-wronged them all [Butt Goblin seems to be telling a child the story of a big wooden man filled with horses]
Butt Goblin holds a can of spray paint in front of a cliff face that he has painted to say "HUFFF MY DINGLEBERRIES, MR. GOD". Caption: Butt Goblin realized it had been too long since he'd had a good smiting
Butt Goblin stands in front of a classroom in his professorial garb, pointing at the chalkboard. The chalkboard says: "So you angered the gods and you got... smote - bad / smited - moderate / smoted - very bad / smitten - nice actually / smitened - pretty bad / smotened - EXTREMELY bad / smoot - just weird". Caption: Much like the Inuit people are said to have many words for snow, Butt Goblin's vocabulary includes many past tense conjugations for "smite"
Butt Goblin is up a ladder installing the last part of a very ornate border around the comic, with a blank white background. Caption: When you don't know what to say, you can always start by fiddling with the borders
Ralph Waldo Emerson said "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds," and for his part, Butt Goblin is ready to fight that hobgoblin [Butt Goblin is drawn in a very different style than usual. He is challenging a hobgoblin in a suit to a fight, and the hobgoblin looks scandalized]
Butt Goblin stands in front of a chalkboard, considering. On the chalkboard is written PRODUCT BRAINSTORMING, followed by several ideas. "scissors with blades on the wrong side - useless but still dangerous" "inside out shoes" "hats that light up if you fart OR get a boner" "bucket that is... slippery?" "slippery bucket [double underlined]". Caption: Some companies are for-profit. Some are non-profit. Butt Goblin just knows he's going to crack the against-profit company.
Butt Goblin holds Athena's helmet and is filling it with "EZ CHZ". Caption: Pranking Athena? Sometimes it almost seems like Butt Goblin likes being cursed by the gods
Butt Goblin's trash can home actually has a big indoor pool inside. But you don't want to accept his invitation to go swimming. [Butt Goblin lounges in a swimming pool full of yellow water with a darker yellow area around his swim shorts]
[Dracula]: So do you think she ever thinks about me? / [Skeletor]: Man! All you ever talk about is relationships! [Dracula]: Do not! [Skeletor]: This is you / [Skeletor holds both his arms out in a wide stance] / [Dracula]: That’s not at all like m- [Skeletor, writhing on the ground]: “Relationships!”
Panel 1: HORSE PARTY [there’s a purple horse and a blue horse] Panel 2: HORSE PARTY [there’s a red horse and a green horse] Panel 3: WHAT TIME IS IT??? [there’s a brown horse and a pink horse] Panel 4: HORSE PARTY TIME [there’s a gray horse and a yellow horse]
Butt Goblin plays a kazoo while a long hotdog rises up like a cobra. Caption: Butt Goblin the hotdog charmer
Butt Goblin stands atop a ladder, holding a bong (the wrong way) full of dandelions over a smoking torch on the wall. Caption: Butt Goblin heard about smoking weed and getting high, and he didn't ask any follow-up questions [This is Butt Goblin number 420]
A woman stands next to Big Butt Bobby (see last week's comics!). She is saying "Who's that, Robert?" BBB is pinching the bridge of his nose and waving at Butt Goblin, who is waving back from inside the kitchen garbage can. Caption: The price of Butt Goblin coming to your aid is that forever after, he's entitled to show up at your house and grab some snacks pretty much whenever
The former bully children lift Bobby up over their heads, shouting "3 cheers for big butt bobby! coolest kid in town" (Bobby has a big butt from all the lifting) Caption: Butt Goblin begins to fade away, having once again saved the day the Butt Goblin Way™
Butt Goblin decides to teach little Bobby how to get back at his bullies [Butt Goblin shouts "Muscles!" while Bobby lifts barbells and squats. Butt Goblin shouts "bench press!" while Bobby lifts a big dumbbell on his shoulders. Butt Goblin shouts "trapezius!" while Bobby deadlifts a big dumbbell.]
[Drawn in crayon] Butt Goblin builds a sand castle with a child while three other children point and laugh. Caption: The child who trapped Butt Goblin in his drawings is apparently a big loser
Butt Goblin, trapped in a child's drawing, finds himself locked in mortal combat with some kind of big chompy squid. At least, he hopes they're fighting.
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Butt Goblin awakens to discover he seems to be trapped in a child's drawing. At least he's still packing serious hams
The rest of book club voted that Butt Goblin was not allowed to be the one that brings snacks anymore [Butt Goblin holds a tray with actual ants on a log, a blanket with lumps in it that says 'pigs in a blanket (they're in there)', and two horrific eggs labeled 'devil eggs']
Butt Goblin waves to a goblin wearing a stove-pipe hat and looking like Abe Lincoln. Caption: Butt Goblin's friend Gobraham Lincoln is in no way related to, or even aware of, the guy he looks like. He works at the stink bug factory in Butt Goblin's home town.
Most people rejected his message. [Butt Goblin pontificates before a group of, I guess, pharisees?] Butt Goblin: "Nachos are just tacos, but sloppy style." A pharisee: "Shut up!" They hated Butt Goblin because he told them the truth. [Butt Goblin turns away in disappointment.] ...and because they were jealous of his juicy badonkadonk. [A different pharisee bites his lip] Different pharisee: "so juicy"
Butt Goblin holds a hotdog that looks like a goblin. Caption: The first hotdog Butt Goblin ate must have been tainted, because now he's hallucinating that the second one is his tiny goblin son [Butt Goblin shoves the hotdog into his mouth while crying]
Butt Goblin's mother hugs him close. She is wearing a t-shirt that says: "World's Greatest Maker of Indescribable Odors". Caption: Butt Goblin's mom loves her Mother's Day gift.