CEEFAUX

@ceefaux.bsky.social

5056 Followers 9 Following

The TV listings you never did know that you didn't not need, in glorious teletext several times a day. GSOH. Non-smoker preferred. Ring top bell. Your home is at risk if you store dynamite in it.

23.00 FILM: A NIGHTMARE ON ELMO'S STREET Horror where children are 'taught a lesson' by, amongst others, a numeracy obsessed vampire, a giant mutant yellow bird, and a monster with an insatiable hunger for cookies. It's time to turn fear up to 1,2,3,4,5 6,7,8,9,10...11,12. (Brought to you by the letters R,I, and P)
19.45 FILM: EBOLA HOLMES Millie Bobbie Brown stars in an adventure which has gone viral.
15.00 FILM: WATERSHIP DOWN DOWN, DEEPER AND DOWN Harrowing tale of a colony of wild rabbits being hunted by the band Status Quo.
21.45 FILM: THERE WILL BE BLOOD Period drama.
21.00 FILM: THE BILL ODDIESSEY Blockbuster retelling of the Greek legend about the baddies versus The goodies.
20.00 WORLD CUP FINAL After five weeks of nail biting action and drama, who will emerge as the best open-top container designed to hold various liquids for consumption. With analysis by Danny Drinkwater and Jimmy Glass.
15.00 HE-MAN & THE PHDS OF THE UNIVERSE More intellectual cartoon sequel.
15.00 FILM: STAR TREK III - THE SEARCH FOR SPECK Hammy sequel.
17.45 PETIT FILOUS SUNDAY Like Ski Sunday, but for kids
21.00 FILM: NO WEDDINGS BUT MORE THAN 10,000 FUNERALS Documentary about an undertaker updating their CV.
Thank you for following us all 5,000 of you lovely, lovely people
22.00 FILM: FIGHT CLUB
15.00 FILM: FULL-ENGLISH BREAKFAST AT TIFFANYS Served with Hepburnt toast and Peppard eggs - base on the book by Truman Cup-o-tea.
18.35 DIXONS OF DOCK GREEN PC drama
16.45 PADDY POWER RANGERS Alien Attack 3/1 Initial Skirmish 7/2 Morphin' Time EVENS Mid-episode twist 2/1 Giant Mech Battle 3/1 Victory EVENS Life Lesson 1/10
21.00 TUSKMASTER Alex Horne and Greg Davies set more crazy challenges for an elephant, walrus, narwhal, warthog and wild boar.
21.00 FILM: WHEN HARIBO MET SALLY Comedy drama about a woman who loudly orgasms when eating sweets.
16.00 THE ROD HULL AND TEMU SHOW More adventures with the ginger haired lunatic and his low budge, not quite right looking, delivered in four weeks, flammable, opaque returns policy, puppet.
16.00 FILM: ESCALATOR Modern remake of The 39 Steps
17.00 LIVE FOOTBALL: ENGLAND VS THE REST OF THE WORLD Cancelled due to an overcrowded pitch.
18.00 OFFSPRINGWATCH Once again the team focus solely on pretty flies and white guys.
22.00 QI FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY Entirely male, heterosexual panel show.
20.01 BRITAIN'S FAVOURITE AFTER DINNER MINT
22.00 NEWS AT TEN-FOUR-GOOD-BUDDY Today's key events shouted down a CB Radio by a hillbilly trying to out-rn the police.
21.00 FILM: KNIVES OUT OF OFFICE Thanks for your email. I, Benoit Blanc am, if the truth be told (and it is told) unable to offer a response at this time. Once I am, as it were, able, then I shall most surely respond, for that is the right thing to do, is it not?
17.00 THE A-TEMU Another significantly cheaper and inferior adventure with Cannibal Smith, Spaceman, Hurlin' Mud Maddock and Mr Z as P.A. Maracas.
21.00 FILM: DULY Sequel to the film Dune.
19.00 FILM: THE MATWIX Keanu Reeves stars as a computer programmer who learns that the world around him is not real and is, in fact, constructed out of long based biscuits topped with caramel and covered in chocolate.
17.00 COLUMBO PLAYS CLUEDO The shabby detective spends who hours appearing not to be at all interested in the board game, before correctly identifying the murderer, location and weapon when one of the other players coughs or does something else that seemed quite innocuous. Guest starring McGoohan as everyone else.
16.15 CATTLE OF THE PLANETS Mis-translated Japanese cartoon with all dialogue dubbed by cows.
20.00 FILM:DIE ANOTHER DAY Due to a mix up with the booking system, James Bond is asked to return to Dignitas at a later date.
18.00 FILM: INDY PEN DANCE DAY Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum star as two stationery shop assistants asked to promote a set of Harrison For character writing implements by moving their bodies to music.
17.45 WORLD GUMMIDGE SWAPS HEADS STOOD STILL SCARE CROWS
19.30 YOU AIN'T HALF HOT MUM Worryingly incestuous sitcom.
16.05 THE LITTLEST OBOE More adventures with the kind-hearted stray double-reeded woodwind instrument
20.00 FILM: MURDER ON THE PIZZA EXPRESS Agatha Christie's classic story where the twist is that there was no actual murdered - the victim had simply topped himself.
21.00 FILM: WITHNAIL AND H Richard E Grant plays the neurotic alcoholic unemployed actor who accidentally goes on holiday with the cheery blonde chap from Steps and ends up drinking 5 large gins, followed by 6,7,8 pints of cider (ice in the cider).
2000 FILM: WHEN HARRY KANE MET SALLY Can men and women ever just be friends of will sex alwa..OH YES! YES! YES! YES! YEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
21.00 WHO SCOOBY DOO YOU THINK YOU ARE? The ancestry tracing show are on hand when the cartoon dog pleads with them to prove he is not actually related to Scrappy Doo. Waraning, contains scenes of Zoinks and Jinkies.
15.00 MURDER, SHE EMOJI'D Typewriter, piano, music, old lady, man, woman, aubergine, woman, sad face, aubergine crossed out, man, angry face, knife, lady, screaming face, skull, gravestone, old lady, magnifying glass, lightbulb, man, worried face, running, police, gun, judges gavel prison bars, old lady, smiley face, piano, music typewrite, STOP sign.
19.00 THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR-BNB Now this is a story all about how This family home is a rental now Chillin' out, maxin' relaxin' cool 3 double bedrooms and use of a pool would suit a party, about 7 or 8 Longer stays get a discounted rate Whilst for a cab to take you ther "Host was friendly, pricing fair."
20.00 TO THE MANOR BOURNE Exciting reboot of the classic 70s sitcom. Audrey Forbes-Hamilton is shocked to learn that the owner of her former estate is a nouveau riche businessman and engages in a visceral 12 minute fist fight and intensely shot 28 minutes car chase in an attempt to kill him.
21.00 FILM: CON RYANAIR Action thriller starring Nicolas Cage who must stop a group of insane criminals from charging passengers extra for just about everything on the flight.
21.00 FILM: GET CARTE D'OR Michael Caine in his iconic role as a gang enforcer who returns to his home town to buy some slightly nicer than normal ice cream.
19.00 EMINEMMERDALE Eric Pollard you don't remember me I wrote you a letter, care of ITV Said you're great. Corrie is wack Let's do shots up at The Woolpack How sad I was that your wife died But you never wrote, didn't reply I hate you now, think you're trash Also, you have a stupid moustache Screw you, I hope you get shingles or beaten up by one of the Dingles
18.45 HI-DE-HAIKUS Behind sharp banter, Ted's loneliness echoes loud A clown with no cheer Peggy watches them dance Yellow coats full of glory Her dreams slip further Between dance sets, hush Barry jokes to hide the ache Yvonne smiles, then sights Knobbly knees parade Spike narrates to empty seats Applause is long gone Xylophone tapes soft, Gladys strikes notes to no-one Silence hums along
21.00 FILM: CASINO ROYALE WITH CHEESE What they call that James Bond film in Paris.
17.00 FILM: CHARLIE AND THE GLUTEN-FREE, ETHICALLY SOURCED, FREE-RANGE, VEGAN ORGANIC, PLANT-BASED, FAIR TRADE COCOA-FLAVOUR FACTORY. Highly inoffensive remake of the Roald Dahl story.
18.00 OPENHEIMMER ALL HOURS It's been a funny old day. I came up with the deadliest known weapon known to all of mankind. I said to Granville that "Now I had bbbbbebbbecome ddddddeath". There was an almighty bang and I thought that was the end. Turned out to be that damned till.
13.00 FILM: NONE LIKE IT HOT British remake made by anyone attempting to do anything today.
22.00 FILM: BASIC INSTINCT 10 PRINT "SHARON STONE IS GUILTY"; 20 GOTO 10 RUN
A melted listing, honest.