Beth Ember

@ctrlaltdltffs.bsky.social

702 Followers 514 Following

Poet who loves #writing, #poetry, & brains So far: #disability - #neuropathy, severe #depression, #PTSD, and much more! "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose."

eight long, frustrating years of describing symptoms to a half-listening doctor well, the last two years they listened and acknowledged it but did nothing about it So I started saying, "I have all the symptoms for POTS but I've never been tested," so they'd test me their attention remained anywhere else frustrated, sad, angry but never giving up yesterday I saw my neurologist she looked through my chart and immediately ordered the tests for POTS I don't know how the results will help at this point but I want every answer I can get, and I want it in writing so I have something to cry over in relief
don't build too close to the water or the tide will destroy it but I did anyways made a moat around it drew on the sides with sticks the side facing the sea has a big skull and crossbones and flying proudly from atop the tower is my green umbrella from last night's drink the tide is getting closer almost kissing the sandcastle I love to watch it melt into the water as if that's it's destiny once it's just a lump of sand again it's time to go home before the tide tries to melt me too
I needed sleep after a long day of traveling. If there were other survivors out there, they would be scanning through the channels like I do every day. It made sense to leave a message playing on one station for a few hours while I slept. Like staying in one place when you're lost instead of wandering around in circles. The message said I was looking for others but didn't state my location. A woman traveling alone needs to stay safe. I'd been searching like this for weeks with no bites. Not even a numbers station. I know they're out there. I know they hear me. snuggled in blankets radio crackles "... hello?"
you tried and tried to break me every way you could think of made me open up credit cards in my name and wouldn't allow me to use them but you sure did LIAR expected me to work full-time a second job part-time and do all the housework and take care of the baby while you played video games ADDICT I did everything you wanted and you still found faults (just like my father does) yelled screamed hit then told me it was all my fault and you're the victim WHORE you tried and tried to break me but I'm still here, MOTHERFUCKER hope your Catholic wife knows that you use any excuse to get out of the house alone to go hook up with guys
when my daughter was little her father wanted me to play with her dolls, restaurant, cars vs monsters parents don't play with children, that's absurd! my parents never played with me until I was an adult and could play pinochle age eight: I told my mom I wanted to die and my daughter told me how she loves being alive ...maybe it's not so crazy after all
little birb, my chirpy friend you've never had it rough but grocery prices are rising and times are getting tough pinching pennies here and there don't know what else to do I wonder if you'd taste better with teriyaki or barbeque
here I lie all alone, but not lonely my friends live in my phone a digital bluesky bringing life the friendships my soul craved to help it heal from trauma and torment with love and passionate poetry slowly this antisocial solitary one is crawling closer to "better" (whatever that is) thank you
it's easy to get lost in thought staring into the canyon when was that layer on top, were human ancestors living yet? no one's figured out how it really formed a split in the earth of wonder, mystery, and eternally unanswered questions (with the lines of the poem in the shape of the Grand Canyon)
we're all damaged somehow broken at the hands of the past more heartache than fury at how that ordeal changed you and the trajectory of your life you were forced down the wrong fork in the road full of pain, thorns, destruction it pulled you in, keeping you like taffy and you wilted like a flower in heat still today, you get stuck and wilt when the darkness washes over you melancholy wraps itself around you and you can't help but wonder who you would have been had you gone down the other road
still a glimmer of life in these old eyes regardless of the hollowness inside a turbulent storm, fight against my own mind the depression's like blankets - it's comfortable here makes getting out harder each time, I fear forty years of this makes a person quite weary but there's still a tiny glow - an ember, you could say a tiny bit of hope that never goes away keeping me alive to call tomorrow yesterday
the hotel stood for fifty years not updated for at least twenty years with worn carpet, dated furniture, an unstable parking garage, employees required to hate their jobs on Sunday it was demolished imploded with 700 sticks of dynamite it sounded like a bomb even from a mile away eleven floors gone just like that falling from the top down in a dust cloud only the elevator shaft remaining like a big middle finger to the city it's going to be a parking lot for the hospital across the street the four parking garages they have aren't enough, I guess
I would tell little lies all the time just to get away from him faking weekend overtime or a doctor's appointment and I lied by omission about the online therapy I did for a year (being careful to hide it) to deal with him and get help to leave him sometimes a lie is necessary to save yourself
polar bear ursus maritimus slow and solitary thundering across tundra wandering the vast icy bay searching for bearded seals and maybe a massive male to conceive a cub or two then be on her way large dinner plate paws thick black deadly claws people are perfect prey
a plate of barbeque chicken wings
I'm the outsider always on the edges ignored and talked over first one to be abandoned the only one not invited and they make sure I know it different relationships (friends family work) same behavior no one will tell me what I've done wrong it's lonelier than being alone
time to go pick the ripest apricots and plums from the trees out front, strawberries from the little greenhouse and wildflowers if I have time guests are coming and I'll make the fruit salad then set the table perfectly while grandpa barbeques and grandma makes the sides while telling tales of how they had to stretch food during The Depression
My throne is behind the wheel. My safe space is surrounded by metal and glass with music filling every empty crevice. I drive to get the feelings out and to explore. There's always somewhere I haven't been yet, something new to see, something beautiful. And then there's the king of all drives, the road trip - bags packed, passenger seat full of snacks, and a whole world to see. I may have a deadline, a place and time to meet, but what's to stop me from taking any of these hundreds of exits and seeing what kind of life that brings? Who's going to stop me from spending the rest of my days driving, hair in the wind, not knowing where I'll end up? It's a different kind of freedom, tickling parts of me that nothing else can reach. No rules. No expectations. No one making decisions but me. I am in complete control of my life for once. behind the wheel I control my destiny free as a bird
four skull sutures and one metal plate lobotomized quickly with no time to wait tinnitus louder than the music plays feeling new bones after losing the weight lightning in my heart, thunder in my head one two three four pills before bed osteoporosis, smouldering esophagus quite looking forward to my first bionic hips
fat little Hotei, little laughing Buddha made of heavy, light green jade bought on the busy streets of China nearly 40 years ago laughing with your pearls of wisdom and cup of abundance, you also bring balance, joy and harmony keep watch and protect me like you protected the wonderful woman who traveled across the world to collect you and love you Hotei (the laughing Buddha) is based on Budai, a real Buddhist monk from 10th century China. He is also an incarnation of Maitreya, the future Buddha.
if we went into space to save our human race and came across the crew that lost radio contact in '22 saving that ship isn't part of our mission but you're itching for an expedition why use precious oxygen when you can't make them breathe again? what killed them, we don't know I really don't suggest you go if it still lives, it could kill you too one sign of doubt and you're through (I've seen all the movies) we close the airlock and leave you here can you face that fear can you survive with no eyes or an alien on your face as a surprise or any of the other horrors we've seen will you remain a hero or become a has-been
Sierpinski triangle triangles upon triangles upon triangles add one, remove the center, keep subdividing and removing centers to make the complex design lather rinse repeat and stack em up infinitely and insanely to make the delicate lace
I picked up the fat paw shaped thing pressed the button and said, "hello?" just like Grandpa taught me the static crinkled and crackled as I changed stations each time saying hello and waiting for a response before moving on until I received an answer an old voice, of wood and stone raspy, earthy, older than time it breathed at me through the mic "... I've been waiting for you."
of course he's married the man who said so many times he'd move the stars for me doesn't belong to me I'm almost desperate for this to not be true, I dread the incoming melancholy familiar but no less welcome why try anymore when I only end up broken?
Fat sea lions lounging on a pier that they took over in Newport, OR. It belongs to them now.
he's got me transfixed doing things I never would from just a look (those blue eyes!) or a steamy whisper distracted all day with him on my mind, waiting to see him again, for him to lace me up in his limbs, to feel his breath on my neck to press our hearts together and see what happens
Snatch movie poster
something sweet in the air today solved today's Wordle on the first try ordered medium, received large fries won first place in that giveaway something sweet in the air today off in the distance, a rainbow lies an epic day, you can't deny cake baked for you without a birthday something sweet in the air today
Fight Club movie poster
backstabbing loose lips excitedly told secrets of twisted thoughts and malice, someone who trusted them, called them a best friend yeah, say your prayers and practice guilty avoidance - they're broken and scheming bitter revenge of burning rage you'd better run, bitch
I clench my fists and jaw in anger and passion and regret that I left you behind, my love never knowing your fate beyond never kissing you again we understood so little in war I didn't realize how long a lifetime really is, how much it would burn passing every second half a world apart remember what I promised you was true my heart belongs to only you and I could never love another
they rebelled and flew away newfangled nanobot drone show one-by-one, their walkout was slow originally a spectacular aerial display they rebelled and flew away nanobots displayed "fuck you!" what? no! they drew a dick then started to go who knows what went wrong that day they rebelled and flew away
even the stars can see that tonight we're all alright celebrating with easy laughter and luscious strawberries telling dirty jokes and bad puns with tales of past adventures reveling in pure happiness beneath our favorite stars
love bruised me less once I was gone he put a sack of clothes by the door didn't want me there - we're done for no longer would I be his pawn love bruised me less once I was gone asked for me back, but he settled that score his punching bag wouldn't return anymore convinced I'd be back, he said I was wrong love bruised me less once I was gone I grew stronger, now I can soar and won't be that naive anymore through trauma to no longer feeling torn love bruised me less once I was gone
cry for what this bird will see all the lighthouses she wants abandoned places, ghostly haunts northern lights and grand Paris cry for what this bird will see strangers revealing secret thoughts the lives of all the loves she lost an adult that used to be her baby cry for what this bird will see
want to attack me about my sins? pick a crime, let's go for it I'll give you all the dirty details what's sitting beneath the surface never dissipates, it's always there (though time brings haziness) as a reminder of what I've done like a memo on the fridge door or a pain without a cause and I won't apologize for all of it
self-medicated myself into trouble for the first time and won an I.V. in my shoulder my veins are tiny and they roll so they stick what they can find and try, try again until they hit gold like I'm a human pincushion this time it only took two people four tries to paint me in bruises
by design, she's yours evermore built to never leave your side you can learn to like and adore by design, she's yours evermore you won't be alone anymore wanna keep her? thirty days to decide by design, she's yours evermore built to never leave your side
talking not to me but around me sitting all around the room you can't hear me when I speak maybe you won't hear me maybe you're not meant to, fine I'll speak to everybody else leave you out out OUT of it like you leave me out of it mutual feelings, family's family all family should love and you just don't
hill blocks view. you've been warned, haven't you? so no complaints! I don't want to hear it! especially from you, Jeff, you and that mouth, keep it shut! yes, the hill blocks the view, can it be fixed? maybe raze the hill - or put a road over it so everyone, all of us, can drive to the top and see it! why not?
what makes you think you've earned the right to give me any advice on my chronic illness that you don't have? it's been crawling through my nerves for nine years - what makes you think that at some point in those nine years I haven't tried your dumb naturopathic advice? this is the point where you mind your own business and go away - now that, you've earned the right for
pieces of me crumble away like an old statue                   ...plink
go to sleep, my dear and dream of fluffy sheep leaping wooden fences not being brutally eaten by those zombie wolves cause if they getcha you're for sure a goner and I will betcha you'll be loudly singing baa baa zombie sheep 'fore your eyes even close... aww look, you're asleep
to catch a ripple you have to bamboozle the thing making it meaning stop moving your damn toes or they're going in the bait bucket a bait bucket with some worms trying to escape and a toe sticking out (probably as a warning) and a body of water with two ripples in it
with a whistle in one hand and a thistle in the other he went to make a loud toot but only made his lips fizzle! a pretty purple thistle and a blue and red whistle that says BMF on the side
a little star fell to a field bounced off a little cat it didn't give him superpowers but man, that butt is fat! a drawing of a classic orange male cat in a field who is frowning and quite unhappy with his really big, floppy buttocks and the star that caused it is visible off to the right.
there's an upside-down umbrella birdbath in the garden with shade and shield below for all the birds and little animals except squirrels, because fuck squirrels there's a drawing of an upside-down umbrella with a menacing-looking squirrel next to it holding a large knife and pointing at the reader as if to say, "you're next."
staircases that lead nowhere cause confusion and questions except that one that lead to peace - at the top was a jam session pencil drawing of staircases going to a platform with jars of jam playing music, one on guitar, one on drums, and they're having a great time
the devil wanted to create a quake the biggest one ever seen he smiled and jumped as high as he could! but forgot about the trampoline drawing has the poem written in red above a red trampoline sitting in grass, and at the top it says "WHEE!"
a hand-drawn blue whistle pop with spit drooling out of it poem: whistle pops don't fizz they don't even whistle the only thing they're good for is collecting spittle!
lemon, blood, whale whale whale whale what do we have here a lemon margarita? no, a Bloody Mary, dear! blue whale on the left, purple whale on the right holding said Bloody Mary
When I worked in call centers, I used to ask friends to give me random words and I'd write them a little poem or give them a silly drawing. So, and I know this could be dangerous with this crowd, give me 2-3 words and a little time and I'll give you a silly little poem or drawing, your choice! (drawing is a call center Jabberwocky - very bad ink drawing)
stuck inside my broken head where there's so much dread and terror about absolutely everything (I just hide it well) victim of my own thoughts my own torturer after all I know what will hurt the most, where will hurt the most and people wonder why I hate myself
drawn deeper into her web where I will cling that sweet voice feed on her words and sultry touch and I don't want to play that game because it will only end in a gruesome crash just like always but I know I'll go just like always I'll follow her anywhere because I'm hopelessly in love
no one listens when I speak anything I say is misinterpreted in a mean and mocking way as if the very thought of me saying anything is both stupid and hilarious treated like I'm the devil by absolutely everyone, beaten as if I were a criminal when I committed no real crime I wish they'd hurry up and burn me at the stake already I know they want to they're salivating for it
A leashed wiener dog standing on a red cliff at Park Avenue Viewpoint, Arches National Park, Utah, US
that once-happy home had become a prison decorated with shells little reminders everywhere of love and better times but it was suffocating one day I packed the car and just left without telling anyone I reached the bridge to exit the state I came to hate "Bird Set Free" played as I crossed the rushing water and I burst into tears I sang and I cried and laughed and grinned because I was FREE finally free! and I never, ever have to go back
after the brown and tan plaid suitcase zips shut after you get it down those horrible stairs after you lurch it into your tiny car's backseat after you drive carefully so as not to get pulled over after you get down the unused dirt road after you drag the suitcase out of the car after you pull the suitcase to the freezing water after you take it into the river's current after you're sure it's drowned and gone after you're sure you got away with it...
it really takes big balls, my friend to satisfy your curiosity knowing it could be a grisly end snaking your way across the world always trying to save the girl and you may have to face your fears trying to outdo your peers but man, it sure makes you feel alive