Discovering Polyamory

@discoveringpolyam.bsky.social

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Helping with those first steps into learning more about ethical non-monogamy. www.discoveringpolyamory.com linktr.ee/discoveringpolyamory

Don't assume everyone in the polyamory community wants the same things as you...
Cowboy: Someone who dates a polyamorous person with the intention of forcing them into monogamy
One of the biggest barriers to polyamory is not being honest with yourself about what you want...
Polyamory isn't off-the-peg, it's pick 'n' mix...
"Couple Privilege" Behaviours and beliefs that grant a "couple" benefits and rights over the people they are dating
Relationships change over time, and it's nothing to be afraid of...
When you explore polyamory, you learn about so much more than just relationships...
Compersion The positive feeling experienced when you see your partner experiencing happiness, separate from you
It's okay not to know what you want from non-monogamy...
If you want to explore polyamory, you're going to have to work on your time management skills...
"Comet" - A parter you only get to see infrequently when you come into each other's "orbits"
Believe it or not, exploring polyamory can feel very lonely, and that's okay...
Exploring polyamory will not save a broken relationship. It will only make things worse...
"Collector" Someone whose only aim is to collect as many partners at once, rather than creating fulfilling relationships.
Setting "Rules" for your partner to follow when opening your relationship will actually make things much harder...
Check-In A scheduled safe space for you and your partner to discuss your relationship When navigating something as complex as polyamory, you can't simply assume you and your partner are on the same page. Setting regular Check-Ins gives you the space to safely discuss your feelings so you can address issues before they evolve into problems.
One of the joys of polyamory is that it frees us from the idea that one person has to be our "everything". By removing this idea about needing to "complete" each other, we can focus instead on being our authentic selves, leading to stronger, more connected relationships because we are no longer trying to be the person we think our partners need or want us to be.
Don't worry if your polyamory looks different to mine. Polyamory is about discovering the kind of relationships that work for you, not copying what works for others. We can learn a lot by looking at what other people are doing. It's one of the best ways to discover all the different options that are out there. But that doesn't mean we have to emulate them.
"BI/PAN-ROMANTIC" Someone who feels romantic connections with people of any gender Romantic feelings often come hand-in-hand with sexual ones, but that isn't always the case. While some people can only feel romantic feelings for someone they are sexually attracted to, others have no such restrictions.
Deciding you want to explore non-monogamy and polyamory is a big step. Coming to terms with that decision and figuring out precisely what it means for you is an even bigger one. Don't worry if the next steps seem daunting. There is no rush. Take the time to do things at your own speed.
Polyamory is not just about sex and dating. It's about re-learning how to open ourselves up to new connections, relationships, and friendships without restriction. There are so many restrictions on what social and emotional connections are socially acceptable and which are not. What polyamory does is allow us to see these for what they are: Artificial.
"Bait & Switch" - Leading someone to believe you are single, then trying to include your existing partner Finding people to date as a couple can be hard, and you wouldn't be the first to try to game the system. But it's not okay to try to lure people in by lying to them and then trying to force a third person into a situation. 
There is nothing wrong with the traditional path of the Relationship Escalator. It's only a problem when it happens automatically without us realising, or when we're shamed for wanting to do things differently. But part of polyamory is learning there is nothing wrong with stepping off the escalator and doing things our own way.
"Anchor Partner" A partner with whom you have significant domestic ties A partner with whom we have particular domestic ties, such as living together, but with the understanding that this doesn't give them any implied importance over other partners. Often used as a non-hierarchical alternative to the term "Primary".
Polyamory can be hard. Not only is it filled with things that are confusing to navigate and hard to understand, but finding people who want the same things as you often makes dating feel exhausting. But the thing is, monogamy is no different. Navigating and understanding monogamous relationships was just as complicated. We are simply taught to accept it.
Polyamory isn't inherently superior to monogamy. Superior relationships come from refusing to unquestioningly accept what you're told to do, actively learning how relationships work for you personally, and seeking partners who will meet your needs. As long as you are doing that, it doesn't matter what your relationship looks like.
TOP TIPS FOR EXPLORING POLYAMORY: Read! (Or Watch! Or Listen!) It's a simple one, but many of us overlook it. It's possible to figure out polyamory alone, but, like everything else in the world, you're going to find it a lot easier if you actively learn from those who came before. You don't have to become an "expert". There are no tests. Just go out and find something that speaks to you.
Love and commitment do not require sexual exclusivity. In fact, I'm prepared to bet everyone reading this post has known at least one relationship where the couple actively and obviously disliked each other and yet still remained sexually exclusive.  We need to let go of these false assumptions about relationships. Sexual exclusivity is one form of commitment, not the only one. 
Top Tips for Exploring Polyamory: Polyamory is a journey, not a destination Polyamory isn't a destination. There is no endpoint you can skip to if you complete the necessary steps fast enough. It's a learning journey where we seek to discover more about ourselves and what we need from our relationships.
HOW DO YOU OCCUPY YOURSELF WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS ON A DATE? A lot of people have difficulty when their partner is on a date, especially when new to polyamory. But being alone isn't a bad thing. In fact, many people consider the alone time they get while their partner is on dates to be one of the main benefits of polyamory.
As Pride Month comes to a close, I'd like to say two things. The first is that this is a safe space for everyone, no matter who they are. We're all in this together, and arbitrary divisions based on who, how, or where we were born do nothing but harm us. The other is a reminder that Pride doesn't end on 30th June. Never stop celebrating who you are, and never stop protecting those who need it.
Top Tips for Exploring Polyamory Set regular Check-Ins The reason I make a lot of posts discussing Check-Ins is they are incredibly beneficial to maintaining healthy relationships. You'll be amazed at how having an agreed safe space can make discussing hard topics so much easier.
HOW MANY WAYS HAS POLYAMORY IMPACTED - AND IMPROVED - YOUR LIFE OUTSIDE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS? Embracing polyamory has an impact on more than your romantic and sexual relationships. It helps us become more true to ourselves and, through this, opens us up to more authentic experiences and connections.
It doesn't matter if your polyamory looks different from your neighbour's polyamory. Relationships are a spectrum. If the way you build them looks different to someone else's, that's nothing you need to worry about. As long as no one is being hurt and everyone is openly and honestly communicating, then you are free to build whatever relationships work for you.
Top Tips for Exploring Polyamory Be aware of overcorrecting Exploring polyamory involves pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and forcing yourself into things that feel uncomfortable. But it's important not to overcorrect too far.
DO YOU NEED A HEADS-UP BEFORE YOUR PARTNER HAS SEX? What happens when your desire to not hold your partner back from having fun clashes with your insecurities? Do you see asking for a heads-up beforehand as a gesture of reassurance or a way to demand your permission before they can sleep with other people?
There are so many stories out there of people who were burned by polyamory. There are so many people out there calling their relationships "polyamorous" as a shield to defend unethical, sometimes abusive behaviours. None of these mean polyamory doesn't work or that polyamory is an excuse to hurt people. Polyamory isn't harmful. People are.
Top Tips for Polyamory: Be ready for things to hurt Exploring polyamory isn't easy. It involves giving up ideas of security while facing envy and insecurity head-on. You can't avoid this, but you can prepare yourself for it and cushion the blow.
HOW DO YOU MANAGE WHEN YOU STRUGGLE WITH POLYAMORY? All of us struggle with polyamory. No matter how long we've been practising, we all find things difficult at some point. What are your tips for others in these situations? How do you get yourself through when things get hard?
Do you think you could never be polyamorous? Or are your attitudes about relationships caught up in Patriarchal conditioning? Polyamory isn't necessarily about dating multiple people. It's about deconstructing our preconceptions about relationships and learning to rebuild them free from the harmful preconceptions of ownership and mastery over our partners.
TOP TIPS FOR EXPLORING POLYAMORY Be ready to push against your comfort zone (but not too hard) Exploring polyamory is going to involve stepping into uncomfortable situations. But as long as we are safe and supported, those situations can lead to amazing experiences.
WHAT'S BEEN THE HARDEST PART OF POLYAMORY? Has it been jealousy? Finding partners? Envy at how much easier it seems for others? Difficulty understanding what you want? Hostility from people in your life? All of us will encounter problems, and not all of them will be the same, so remember to give yourself the same compassion you give others.
The reason we're polyamorous doesn't matter. We can argue all day and all night about whether polyamory is "natural", how our ancestors' relationships looked, or how different cultures have enforced their social norms on others throughout history. At the end of the day, we have no need to justify polyamory to anyone.
Top Tips for Exploring Polyamory: Set out Agreements on what you are doing When making such a significant change to your relationship style, you need to sit down at the start and agree on what you are comfortable with and what you agree to pursue.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR FROM POLYAMORY? One of the things we learn from polyamory is that relationships can have infinite variety. And often, the problems people face on their journey come about from them trying to achieve their goals without actually taking the time to figure out what those goals are.