Ed Stern

@edstern.bsky.social

3855 Followers 1623 Following

Basic Prog Brit Woke Remoaner Centrist Dad. He/Him, Bi, ADHD, the usual. Former Splash Damage game dev. Full-Stack Narrative Designer/Game Writer available for hire: https://www.sternword.co.uk/

Photo of blue sky, sea on horizon, and foreground of sand, actual factual sand, albeit with ripples of coal sand throughout it.
Photo of the interior of a grabby claw machine, containing only soft toys of Simpsons characters.
Photo of a truly bizarre nearly machine gun, apparently constructed from brass tubes and wrought iron hooks.
Photo of mishapen gnocchi frying in a pan.
Photo of two trays of handmade gnocchi of extremely varying sizes and finish. Flour-covered sweaty making-own-body-dough author/cook out of shot.
Selfie of bearded old guy in sunhat and shades and green shirt with blue fishies on it, set against a background of pure blue skies, intersected by vapour trails, because of planes and ting.
Selfie of very tired rather pink middle aged man, the alleged and actual author, wearing what looks like a white cricket shirt but is actually much much less comfortable but you see, it claims to protect against the rays of the sun, and this man is too pale not to esteem this the highest virtue, for verily he is a slightly blue white, like unto the exhaust of the Millennium Falcon.
Photo of frankly indecent French patisserie display case, featuring the familiar coffee and chocolate eclairs, but also a third, new, previously unsighted third kind. It’s very pale. Off-white. It is Vanilla Eclair. And now all things are possible.
Photo of French beach, entirely deserted, vaguely post-apocalyptic. Or maybe very immediately pre-apocalyptic. Any road, there’s no fucker here.
Photo of French blue enamelled thermometer, on a French wall, in France, the graduations in centigrade, annotated from The Great Paris Cold of 1871 to at its fearsome upper register simply “SÉNÉGAL”
Photo of a packet of mango flavour Jaffa Cakes, which shouldn’t work, but do.
Selfie of greying bearded white dad guy, with those clip-on sunglasses on his actual glasses and a flat cap, feeling hungover despite not having drink anything man 50s really 50ing, feel me?
A frozen paratha in a pan, newly unpeeled from its protective film. It appears white, wet, innocent of possibility or potential.
Screengrab from kindle edition of Christopher Clark’s IRON KINGDOM The Rise and Downfall of Prussia, 1600–1947: “TWO-HEADED STATE In the summer of 1796, crowds of Berliners swarmed to see the latest theatrical sensation orchestrated by the famous Swabian illusionist Karl Enslen. The show opened with a trio of beautifully fashioned automatons: a Spaniard with a flute, a woman playing the glass-organ and a trumpeter who could also speak. There followed an 'aerial hunt' involving floating animal figures filled with gas, and an android gymnast whose movements were so life-like that one would have taken him for a man, were it not for the muted creaking of the neck-joint. Towards the end of the performance, the lights were extinguished and a loud clap of thunder announced a series of ghostly apparitions culminating in a spectacular trompe-l'oeil. Then there is seen far off in the distance a bright star; the star widens; and out of it there comes the very exact likeness of Frederick the second, in his usual clothing and posture [... ]. The image grows bigger and bigger, comes nearer and nearer, until it seems to stand as large as life just before the orchestra. The effect of this apparition on the floor and in the boxes was remarkable. The clapping and jubilation was endless. When Frederick seemed about to retreat to his star many called 'Oh stay with us!' He returned into his star, but after loud cries of encore he had to come back twice. Here was a theatre of the modern type, where darkness was used to heighten the impact of illusion (a recent innovation), where tickets and seats were set at different prices for different pockets. Men and women, minor officials, craftsmen and clerks mingled in the audience, but people of noble estate were there too, and even members of the royal family - albeit only as paying customers. And here was the figure of the resurrected king summoned back to life to satisfy a crowd hungry for entertainment…”
Photo of a Jamaican lamb Pattie on a white plate oddly semi-circumfered with a rainbow-coloured furry headband. It’s a lot to take in, frankly.
Screenshot from news story: “A "turkey reaping" archery decoy; (photo/Heads Up Decoy) It also puts a bright spotlight on target identification and the risks that come with turkey reaping, a tactic where a hunter uses a turkey fan or decoy as cover while moving toward a bird. Wisconsin DNR says the tactic is legal, but also warns hunters not to use it on public land or in the woods because of the safety risk.”
Selfie of author, a straggly-bearded man, squeezed into a suit like a seal into a binbag.
Selfie of bearded Middle Ages man wearing clip-on sunglasses on his regular degular normal glasses.
Screengrab of text from Iron Kingdom: The Rise and Downfall of Prussia: 1600 - 1947 by Christopher Clark: “The choreography of this occasion invoked a tradition of great antiquity. The oath of fealty had been an accoutrement of sovereignty in western Europe since the twelfth century. It was a legal act by which the constitutional relationship between sovereign and subject was 'actualised, renewed and perpetuated' In time-honoured fashion, the Estates representatives swore that they would never 'under any circumstances imaginable to man' break their bond with the new sovereign, all the while kneeling before the Elector with the left hand laid across the chest and the right hand raised above the head with the thumb and two fingers extended. It was said that the thumb signified God the Father, the index finger God the Son and the middle finger the Holy Spirit; 'of the other two fingers, folded down into the hand, the fourth signifies the precious soul, which is hidden among mankind, while the fifth signifies the body, which is a smaller thing than the soul' A specific act of political subordination was thus merged into the permanence of man's submission before God.
Photo of take-away food receipt with AI generated text that hovers between actual English letters and letter-shaped pictograms
Photo of tempting-looking spinach and feta flat pastry
Digital flyer image of The Classic Album Band playing David Bowie Tuesday 14th April live at the Ivyhouse, 7:30PM 40 Stuart Road, London SE153BE
Video selfie of author, a bedraggled middle aged bearded man with a cold, in bed, trying to see if the ultra-croaky state of his throat has any positive uses.
Photo of two bottles of soya sauce, one “light soya” and the other “dark soya” in a frankly laboured visual pun on the space exploration incomprehension meme “where is the light source?” meaning point of illumination
Selfie of author, a bearded bespectacled rapidly aging white male, looking dubiously off frame.
Antique sepia publicity photo of I believe the actor Claude Raines in the 1920s, sat in a chair, pointing dramatically out of frame.
Photo of frozen banana stand with a sign spelling “bananas” with three letter Ns. B. A. N. A. N. N. A. S. Thus resembling at first glance the made-up word “banamas”. Yes, autocorrect, banamas. Oh no. Oh nooo. That’s me spelling that wrong forever now.
Photo of the cover of Elvis Costello’s Brutal Youth
Screenshot of the Wikipedia entry for the Russian science fiction writer Stanislaw Lem with a photo of him, and a toy spaceman/alien next to a typewriter. The photo caption mentions only Lem without specifying which of the two is him, which seems like the sort of thing Wikipedia editors love to be fake-fussy about.
WW2 black and white photo of HMS Campbeltown rammed against the gates of the St Nazaire dry dock as part of Operation Chariot in 1942. Before it blew itself, and the gates, and hundreds of visitors sky high.
Reference photo of a rubber ferrule, such as might be found on the non-bent end of a walking stick to increase grip and decrease toppling injuries.
Screenshot of the Wikipedia entry for the Irish navy’s Samuel Beckett-class offshore patrol vessels: “The Samuel Beckett-class offshore patrol vessel is a class of offshore patrol vessels (OPV) ordered by the Irish Naval Service from October 2010. The first vessel is named Samuel Beckett and was commissioned in May 2014. Construction on this first vessel commenced in November 2011. A further three vessels were named James Joyce, William Butler Yeats and George Bernard Shaw, and delivered in 2015, 2016 and 2018.”
Image of Sarah and Duck, from the BBC animated kids TV series of the same name. Sarah is wearing her customary beanie. Duck is a duck.
Photo of a tan-and-white alpaca with what looks like a badly-Photoshopped wig but really genuinely is its own actual factual hair. The alpaca appears loutish, as if plotting gratuitous violence, or at least suddenly using a human face as a fleshy spittoon.
Video of all manner of bees buzzing around some lovely fluffy pink cherry blossom. Lil bees. Bumble bees. All sorts of buzzing fellers, loving it.
Selfie of author, a shambles of a middle-aged man, increasingly grey-bearded, spectacles-bedecked, staring off-frame as if contemplating hard-won victory rather than biscuits.
Screenshot of article: “The surveillance logs, portions of which have been quoted in a newly unsealed U.S. grand jury indictment, read at times like an absurdist document: two operatives of Russia's most secretive assassination unit conducting a murder-for-hire plot through a consumer translation tool, their every instruction and status report preserved in legible, timestamped entries on an American company's servers. It was, as a source close to the investigation later noted, even better than a wiretap because it arrived transcribed.”
Photo of bowl of unfairly delicious steamed Lo Mai Kai sticky rice parcels wrapped in lotus leaf.
Screenshot of Auden song lyrics “The chimney sweepers Wash their faces and forget to wash the neck; The lighthouse keepers Let the lamps go out and leave the ships to wreck; The prosperous baker Leaves the rolls in hundreds in the oven to burn; The undertaker Pins a small note on the coffin saying, "Wait till I return, I've got a date with Love." And deep-sea divers Cut their boots off and come bubbling to the top, And engine-drivers Bring expresses in the tunnel to a stop; The village rector Dashes down the side-aisle half-way through a psalm; The sanitary inspector Runs off with the cover of the cesspool on his arm-To keep his date with Love.”
First of two screenshots of W.H. Auden’s poem The Fall Of Room: “ The piers are pummelled by the waves; In a lonely field the rain Lashes an abandoned train; Outlaws fill the mountain caves. Fantastic grow the evening gowns; Agents of the Fisc pursue Absconding tax-defaulters through The sewers of provincial towns. Private rites of magic send The temple prostitutes to sleep; All the literati keep An imaginary friend. Cerebrotonic Cato may Extol the Ancient Disciplines, But the muscle-bound Marines Mutiny for food and pay. …
Photo of a cardboard box in a kitchen, absolutely covered in a thick mousse of colourful poster paint in several bright colours. It’s like a vivid thermal imager view of a meringue on fire. There’s no way this thick layer of paint will dry before the heat death of the universe.
1960’s advertising colour photo of a housewife on the phone as if mid-conversation with the caption “Yes, that’s correct. And the horse you rode in on.”, thus implying she has previously invited the other party to go fuck themselves.
Screenshot of a Twitter post with a biology textbook illustration of a crab in a crack titled “Crab in moist crack” captioned by the poster “him: you better not be a crab in a moist crack when i get there Me: “ thus mplying that the author has contravened this specific hard-to-disobey injunction by indeed, somehow, being a crab in a moist crack.
Photo of hardware store shelf containing tubes of “Sealant Adhesive” which doesn’t even slightly look like “Seal / Ant Adhesive” for god’s sake Ed, what are you thinking, your public won’t stand for this dreck, think of your Holy Mission, this can’t and won’t be end well if you’re just phoning it in like this no you hang up, no you.
Photo of a hardware store shelf containing tubes of “Grab Adhesive”, which looks very very slightly like “Crab Adhesive” if you are under caffeinated or a bit groggy or both.
A black and white image of Spock, Uhura and Kirk all grimacing with added text captions “Ouch/Yikes/Oof”
Black and white photo portrait of Alan Brooke, confusingly titled Viscount Alanbrooke, the Chief of the Imperial General Staff, looking like a middle management non-entity rather than the military titan he was.
Official black and white photo portrait of General Dwight D Eisenhower.
Photo of a fast food shop narrowly trademark-avoidingly named “DOMINS pizza and kebab”
Black and white publicity photo of Carry On actor Peter Butterworth looking smug.
Photo of a child’s bedside window ledge, upon which are arrayed 7 minidiscs, an antique digital audio storage medium.
Antique woodcut illustration of a flood, showing livestock, humans, houses and a church all sorely submerged and vexed by th’intemperate waters.
Photo of a South London residential street with standard South London two-storey terraced houses. One has a simply colossal palm tree by its front door, seriously, like the size of the damm house, like you’ve mixed up a GI Joe toy accessory with Warhammer miniatures, seriously how big is this palm tree? It’s, it’s, it’s like the exact height and volume of the house. They might as well not have windows, they’re getting no daylight past that thing. Jesus H Christ I’m telling ya, that’s an absolutely colossal tree.
Sepia selfie of bearded middle-aged man, glasses askew, looking about him in dismay and confusion.
Oil painting (probably) of semaphore railway signal post next to a set of train tracks.
Photo of a South London residential street with standard South London two-storey terraced houses. One has a simply colossal palm tree by its front door, seriously, like the size of the damm house, like you’ve mixed up a GI Joe toy accessory with Warhammer miniatures, seriously how big is this palm tree? It’s, it’s, it’s like the exact height and volume of the house. They might as well not have windows, they’re getting no daylight past that thing. Jesus H Christ that’s an inordinately large tree.
Screengrab of a Temu page advertising a Valentine's Day special offer of a bag of dessicant silica gel packets.
Short video of very small very hairy Cavapoo puppy having a scratch and wandering off, doubtless to see about her business.
Screengrab from Reddit subforum “CatBongos” showing a photo of a black cat with the title “Achoo says lots of folks went from "molon labe" to "just comply" real quick, didn't they?”
Photo of very small very black tiny puppy on white kitchen floor.