fesshole 🧻

@fesshole.bsky.social

103930 Followers 3 Following

Confess your sins anonymously - will the internet absolve you? Buy show tickets 2025/6: sites.google.com/view/fesshole Add confession b3ta.com/addfess Buy book amazon.co.uk/s?k=very+best+of+fesshole&tag=b3ta-21 Run @robmanuel.b3ta.com

Sometimes I fake my toddler's scribbles in family birthday cards because I can't be bothered to get her to do it. Fesshole GOLD from 12th May 2021
I won 2.4m on the lottery mid 2020. I told friends and family my new house and car came from investing in Amazon in 2006. They think I'm a genius and it deters scrounging. Fesshole GOLD from 12th May 2021
Working my notice at a hotel reception 10 years ago I got shouted at by a complaining customer. I was so angry I copied their details and signed them up to all kinds of crap. To this day I use their details whenever I don't want to use my own. I've remembered them off by heart. Fesshole GOLD from 10th May 2021
I have been training my children to interrupt tedious Zoom meetings with colleagues to allow me to get on with some actual work. They get £1 a go, and will interrupt upon receiving a WhatsApp. Fesshole GOLD from 11th May 2021
It was my car's second birthday last week. I gave it premium unleaded instead of normal unleaded for the first time ever as a present. Fesshole GOLD from 11th May 2021
Someone at work called me an "elder statesman" and dignified in my approach to working with others. I'm only 46 and the reason I stay quiet and make 'considered decisions' is that I'd be swearing my fucking head off at the cunts if I didn't. Fesshole GOLD from 10th May 2021
This past year has been hard and a few weeks ago I went to take my own life but ultimately couldn't go through with it. The next day my wife showed me her call log & my parents had called her twice. They died over 2yrs ago & the number is out of use. Fesshole GOLD from 10th May 2021
My 10 year old son got a trail cam for Xmas and sets it up at night. Not much wildlife in our garden and he was getting disappointed with nothing being captured, so I bought a rubber rat and fishing line and drag it across the garden so he has captured something to see Fesshole GOLD from 10th May 2021
I'm a paramedic and got called to a complete cunt. He was a real piece of work demanding this and that with nothing actually wrong with him. As we walked outside to go to hospital as he had demanded, I switched off his freezer. Bastard. Fesshole GOLD from 9th May 2021
I have been working a job for three years that could be done by a macro in Excel I could make in 10 minutes. I will never tell anyone as I love browsing Reddit all day and I have zero ambitions in my work life. Fesshole GOLD from 8th May 2021
As a kid, I once dialled the telephone operator and sang the full theme tune to Boon: Hi Ho Silver by Jim Diamond. When I finished, she and others listening in all laughed and clapped. I've never told anybody that in 30 years. Fesshole GOLD from 8th May 2021
I worked for a major High St bank. Every week someone came in with £100 worth of 50p coins wanting them exchanged for more 50p so he could outsort the 'special' ones fir his collection. I'd put his on floor behind me and then give him the same ones back again. Fesshole GOLD from 7th May 2021
My boy has started big school and become self-conscious about his teenage complexion. Some kids have started ridiculing him about it, making him so unhappy, withdrawn and lonely. I confess: if I could get away with it, I'd fucking stove their 12yo heads in. Fesshole GOLD from 7th May 2021
My wife loves beer, football and rugby and I do love her but I have no interest in these things. This is absolutely fine, we have plenty of other things in common, but I do wonder if I'm taking up someone else's ideal wife. Fesshole GOLD from 5th May 2021
I'm a Departmental Manager and was hosting a Zoom conference call for the whole department. My partner brought me a cup of tea, but I didn't realise until the end of the call that, every time I took a sip, the words "I'm A Twat" could be seen on the bottom of the cup. Fesshole GOLD from 5th May 2021
My job is repetitive and boring it's data entry and since working from home I've 'outsourced' it to my 16 year old son, I showed him what to do and he enters the data giving me 6 hours of my day to get jobs done I otherwise have to do at night- I pay him £10 a day Fesshole GOLD from 6th May 2021
I have a massive tattoo of the band Lostprophets on my back which is way too large to remove. Fortunately most people don't know who they were but when I meet someone who does I just want the ground to eat me up. Talk about fucking regrets. Fesshole GOLD from 6th May 2021
I was told to make someone redundant by a weak boss who couldn't face it. She came into the meeting, started crying and told me she was resigning as she couldn't bear working for the boss. I told her to keep quiet, shredded her letter and told her to take the £12,000 payout. Fesshole GOLD from 4th May 2021
I lied to a woman by telling her I spoke fluent French and later, during sex, she asked me to speak French as a turn on. I quickly ran out of what few words and sentences I knew and moved on to simply reciting the names of French footballers. Emmanuel Petit really got her going. Fesshole GOLD from 5th May 2021
I work for a major charity in the UK and it's worse than you could imagine. The senior team are all right-wing boomers on massive salaries doing the bare minimum. It's a scam. The temptation to write an exposé for the Guardian is overwhelming. Until then, there's Fesshole. Fesshole GOLD from 2nd May 2021
I hated being "dad taxi" for my teenage daughter and her mates and getting asked to do tip runs etc in my BMW Estate. So I sold it and got a two-seater Smart Car, I look a twat driving it but nobody asks me lifts anymore. Fesshole GOLD from 2nd May 2021
I only found out today, thanks to my wife explaining it to a 5 year old, that thunder is the sound made by lightening. I was told it was clouds rubbing together and I've never questioned it. I'm 44. Fesshole GOLD from 3rd May 2021
After a three day drug-fuelled bender I went to see my Mum to nick a few of her sleeping pills. Found her stash and necked a couple. 2 hours later instead of falling asleep I was rushing my tits off on some of the best ecstasy I've ever had. Dark horse, my Mum. Fesshole GOLD from 1st May 2021
I'm an ex-Michelin Star chef, have worked all over the world in some of the most famous restaurants in the world and have written for nationally recognised food magazines, but I still have no idea what bay leaf tastes like or why anyone adds it to food. Fesshole GOLD from 1st May 2021
I got drunk in a nightclub in Sydney years ago. Bumped into someone I knew which was remarkable. The next day I was informed it was 'Toadfish' from Neighbours. Fesshole GOLD from 2nd May 2021
I split up with my wife of 15 years in September and moved out. We have recently been seeing each other again in secret to see if we would work and be a couple again without the pressure of the kids and family knowing. I'm effectively having an affair with my wife. Fesshole GOLD from 30th April 2021
I'm short. 5'6". I've always hated being short. Women always want tall guys and men look down at you. Literally. On the rare occasion I see a man smaller than me I get close to them, enjoy the moment, and think - you short little cunt Fesshole GOLD from 1st May 2021
Ever since my asshole boss found out I'm a lesbian, he's been "jokingly" trying to get me to have a threesome with him and his girlfriend. He doesn't know I've already fucked her twice at work xmas parties. Fesshole GOLD from 28th April 2021
Here's the best public confession for March 2021 - honestly think this was the best month we've seen - so many funny ones. Do follow @fesshole if you don't already and do share this so we get even more great confessions. https://t.co/fSysZ3rcqx Fesshole GOLD from 28th April 2021
My wife got us a lockdown puppy without consulting me. She said it would get me out of the house to exercise more. I've now lost two stone and I've being having an affair with a fellow dog walker for two months. I love our puppy! Fesshole GOLD from 29th April 2021
The music went quiet in the strip club and everyone heard me open my Velcro wallet Fesshole GOLD from 28th April 2021
Sorry Suzanne - the reason you've been complaining about a fishy smell in the office that no-one else can detect is because I've been dipping your headset mic in a bag of scampi fries for the past few months Fesshole GOLD from 26th April 2021
I've been a paramedic for 20 years . When people ask me what's the worst thing I've seen, I usually tell them a story about something somebody shoved up their arse. I don't think they could handle the murdered kids or fucked-up suicides. This job has ruined me. Fesshole GOLD from 25th April 2021
Look, I'd love to come to the gig tonight, It's at the Cambridge Junction, in Cambridge at 7:30 - tickets link is in profile and also https://www.junction.co.uk/events/fesshole-live/
I watched American Psycho 20 yrs ago & ever since, whenever I'm having sex doggystyle, I do the Patrick Bateman bicep curl & pretend I'm looking in a mirror. It makes me feel like a Sex God. My wife caught me doing it the other day & laughed her head off. It's killed the vibe now Fesshole GOLD from 24th April 2021
I have a law degree and a successful sales career. In lockdown I 'fixed' the dishwasher using a bent teaspoon as a spare part. Six months later it's still working. This is more satisfying than anything I've done in my career, and possibly my life Fesshole GOLD from 24th April 2021
I'm a grown man of 35. When I'm listening to music and someone asks me what I'm listening to I'll say some random band/rock music. I'm really listening to Disney's Moana soundtrack. That whole soundtrack is banging. Nothing better to lift the spirits. Fesshole GOLD from 22nd April 2021
In the late 80s, me & pals used to go to the city square in Hull, coax 5 / 6 EACH, pigeons into our jackets, then go in the Debenhams store and set them free, it was absolutely fucking chaos
When my daughter goes to bed I play Animal Crossing on her switch for about an hour. Clean up her town, sell fish to make her more bells. She thinks her character is working while she sleeps. Makes her very happy. Fesshole GOLD from 22nd April 2021
When Hull City reached the play-off final in 2008 I managed to get tickets before they went on general sale by correctly guessing a season pass holder number. Sorry to whoever's number it was who probably missed the biggest game of their life.
Sometimes my 4-year-old son is just a little cunt. Fesshole GOLD from 22nd April 2021
Went to see Fesshole live. Got drunk and accidentally got into an old argument with long term partner and nearly broke up after. Thanks Fesshole.
My best friend died nearly 3 years ago. I don't think I'll ever really be over it. I like to write WhatsApp messages to him because he still exists on my phone and in some strange way he may listen. Fesshole GOLD from 21st April 2021
I live in Cambridge, my wife works in publishing, and I use the Oxford comma all the damn time.
I took a photograph of my arsehole to send to my boyfriend and accidentally sent it to my mother. She asked what it was and I told her it was weird looking fruit I had found in the supermarket. Now she's asked to come round and try it as she's never seen anything like it. Fesshole GOLD from 20th April 2021
Been with my girlfriend for 2 years. I just woke her up in bed with a really loud fart. She laughed and then went back to sleep. Thinking of proposing as she must be 'the one'. Fesshole GOLD from 17th April 2021
A load of reviews saying Fesshole Live is good - if you click the tickets link in profile you can read them on the tickets site
I got attacked in an unprovoked attack by an 18yr old when I was 12, he had to write an apology letter to me- I tracked him down on FB this year and found out where works and reported him for racist comments 3 days later he put a status about 'snitches' and looking for work Fesshole GOLD from 17th April 2021
If I you bought an autographed Cat Stevens album in a record shop in Hull about 35 years ago, I'm sorry. That was my handwriting.
To my husband, as you live on your phone/Twitter and follow fesshole.... stop complaining about your lack of sex and change your underwear more than 2-3 times a week. I do the laundry, I know Fesshole GOLD from 14th April 2021
Whenever my colleague makes inappropriate jokes I always pretend to be naive and not understand them so that he's forced to explain them. Fesshole GOLD from 14th April 2021
Folk club in dark pub, Cambridge, early 1990s. Couldn't work out where the increasingly pungent smell was coming from. Half way through the first set, realised I had been playing inadvertent and catastrophic footsy with a large dog turd under the table. Left before the break.
My partner spent a fortune on some dungarees. He thinks he looks 'arty' but he looks like a fucking overgrown toddler and now I'm repulsed by him. Fesshole GOLD from 12th April 2021
I was in my mid thirties before I realised the Elgin Marbles were not in fact a collection of ancient Greek balls. I studied history at Cambridge.
People who do a full food shop at Tesco petrol stations should be shot. Fesshole GOLD from 12th April 2021
I'm 78 yrs old. Never smoked, hardly drink. My wife died 8 years ago. I have all my faculties and it's fucking abysmal. All I do is wake up with random pains, and it's all likely cancer. I go for a piss and then my dick decides to carry on after I've finished. Kids.. Do drugs! Fesshole GOLD from 11th April 2021
My mum kicked me out of her house when she found out I'm gay, she never answers my calls. I still try to call every weekend though. I don't know why. I walk past her house most days, sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just knocked on the door. Never had the bottle though. Fesshole GOLD from 11th April 2021
I write for a craft beer blog. I always wax lyrical about the latest over-hopped IPAs, go on about their aromas, flavours and palates. The truth is, most of them are rank and you can't beat a nice cold can of Carlsberg or any other lager that beer snobs look down their nose at. Fesshole GOLD from 11th April 2021
Woke up after a huge night to find out fire brigade had been, hadn't a clue. They left a card "you burnt toast, alarm activated, we came in through kitchen window. Couldn't wake you. Have a nice day!" I lived on 2nd floor, ladders & sirens were involved. I slept through it all! Fesshole GOLD from 9th April 2021
The wife called me by mistake when she was supposed to be calling the Chinese restaurant to order. I was in the next room. I put on a fake Chinese accent and gave her a load of shit so she threatened to talk to my manager. Fesshole GOLD from 8th April 2021