get your war on

@getyourwaron.bsky.social

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posting one a day, unless I forget or am busy. | Not David Rees http://www.mnftiu.cc/category/gywo/war1/

get your war on 41 - #8 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/20/war41-8/ 1: Dennis Hastert said al-Qaeda is gonna attack us to influence the election because they want John Kerry to win. The guy has, like, such an incisive mind. But then why did al-Qaeda strike on 9/11, two years before the Democrats had even picked their nominee? Or was that a late endorsement of Al Gore? 2: So al-Qaeda wants Kerry to win? Good! I swear to God, al-Qaeda, this is the ONE TIME I'm rooting for you motherfuckers. There's an old Buick behind my garage- you have my permission to blow it it, dance around in a circle, and thereby influence the election. You may sleep on my floor for ONE NIGHT- but as soon as Bush gives his concession speech, I'm going to fucking kill you. 3: But didn't anyone tell Dennis Hastert that we defeated al-Qaeda when we invaded their country, which is called Iraq?
get your war on 41 - #7 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/20/war41-7/ 1: I love how the only sure thing in Iraq is a 15% corporate tax rate... and that the corporate tax rate is actually lower than the probability of an all-out CIVIL WAR. Freedom is almost too much on the march. 2: I wonder iff Bush would be willing to peg the Iraqi corporate tax rate to the probability of delaying a civil war until after the US election. I wonder where he'd draw the line? Do I hear fifty-one per cent? 3: The way Bush is acting so nonchalant, I wouldn't be surprised if he thought civil wars only occur in the United States in the 1860's. "Thank God nobody named Jefferson Davis lives in Iraq, huh Don? Then we might have a problem!"
get your war on 41 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/20/war41-6/ 1: The only thing that got Tall Afar's citizens through the days of being denied electricity and running water was the inspiration of that sweet 15% corporate tax rate! "Mommy, I'm gonna improve my market capitalization as soon as this parasite leaves my body!" 2: "Ooh, Mommy, you know the only thing worse than having a marginal tax rate above 15%? Having dehydration-related diarrhea in the dark!" 3: How long would Heritage Foundation pundits let their children go without running water, if the reward was a flat 15% tax rate? I bet they'd put those Iraqi parents to shame.
get your war on 41 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/20/war41-5/ 1: Is Toby Keith gonna sing a song about US military cutting off the water and electricity in Tall Afar? Has he ever crossed over to the Rhythm & Possible War Crimes chart? 2: Maybe the Army thought it'd be cool if Iraqis thirsted for something other than freedom for a few days. 3: Yeah. There's nothing like literal thirst to put metaphorical thirst in perspective.
get your war on 41 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/20/war41-4/ 1: I like President Bush's optimism about Iraq. I kinda wish he'd go over there and walk the streets and share it with Iraqis personally. Seems kind of silly to waste it all behind a podium. 2: But there's a reason for his optimism: We handed out more free soccer balls in Baghdad! 3: Great. And what the fuck are we supposed to do when some insurgent figures out how to kill people using soccer balls?
get your war on 41 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/20/war41-3/ 1: So the best-case scenario for Iraqis involves "tenuous security"? What kind of dipshit best-case scenario is that? "Tenuous" is a worst-case scanrio word. Hell, I don't want to hear "tenuous" when I'm talking about a barbecue, let alone a country full of angry motherfuckers I can't understand! That's like saying, "Don't worry... the bullets in this gun are just tenuous." Fuck that! I'm not into tenuous. Tenuous isn't cutting it for me. 2: Oh, come on- if Iraqis had something better than tenuous security, how could they be sure they were still living in Iraq? We're probably just being culturally sensitive. 3: Cultural sensitivity is very important. Isn't that why the corporate tax rate in Iraq is capped at 15%? I know that's not tenuous.
get your war on 41 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/20/war41-2/ 1: If Iraq descends into a civil war, will Bush get to count it as one of his? 2: In a civil war, who gets naming rights? Will the Kurds and Sunnis have different names for it? I'm probably gonna root for the Kurds, so I guess I'll go with their name. 3: The only fair thing would be to let Paul Wolfowitz name it. After all, it's his baby whether he owns up to it or not.
get your war on 41 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/20/war41-1/ 1: Why does the National Intelligence Estimate call a civil war in Iraq the "worst-case scenario?" That's not so bad. I can think of worse scenarios. Like, what if Iraqi animals started kidnapping humans? I bet the State Department never thought about that! 2: You know the minute an Iraqi animal kidnapped a human, Richard Perle would start pushing for us to bomb a zoo in St. Louis or something. 3: I swear to God, at this point the only strategy Richard Perle is qualified to push is a fuckin' broom at Wendy's.
get your war on 40 - #7 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/01/war40-7/ 1: In the Ownership Society, you get to buy stocks and make up your own medical plans! You get to be, like, your own personal government. I'm gonna issue a coin with my face on it! 2: I will agree to participate in the Ownership Society if white collar crime becomes a capital offense. Like, if motherfuckers get hung. 3: It's funny- when I first heard Bush mention the new Ownership Society, I thought he was talking about Iraq. I was like, "Dude, don't just come right out and say it!"
get your war on 40 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/01/war40-6/ 1: The coolest thing about another four years of Bush would be the unveiling of the "Ownership Society!" Doesn't that sound bad-ass? You get to be in charge of your own Social Security! 2: Are you kidding me> What the fuck would I want to be in charge of my Social Security for? That's not my job. I don't know how to do that shit! And in case Bush is wondering, I don't want to have to deliver my own mail, either. 3: But it's the "Ownership Society." You will own part of society! 4: WHY DO I GOTTA OWN EVERYTHING ALL OF A SUDDEN???
get your war on 40 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/01/war40-5/ 1: You know who I would've rather seen at the podium than the Bush twins? Douglas Feith and Richard Perle. I think they have cuter hijinx. 2: Oh yeah, those two are trouble all right! They can get pretty rowdy, bless their hearts! 3: Seriously, what recent high-profile fuck-up has Richard Perle not been involved in? I bet Hurricane Charley was just the motherfucker's karma.
get your war on 40 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/01/war40-4/ 1: You know what was the MOST AWESOME part of Schwarzenegger's speech? When he said Republicans would "TERMINATE" terrorism! Being eleven years old ROCKS! 2: And so, here we are- I'm the only person who still takes the War on Terrorism seriously. Who said Irony was dead? 3: Or what about when he said people who are skeptical about the economy were "GIRLIE-MEN?" Ha. Who knew Schwarzenegger wrote his speech fifteen years ago? That's ambition.
get your war on 40 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/01/war40-3/ 1: You know, it almost makes me want to vote for Bush. Because what if he totally just cancels the War on Terrorism? What if he's like, "Fuck it- it's not like we're gonna win this shit. Let's do something fun with the money. Who wants a pony?" 2: If we stopped fighting the War on Terrorism, who would be responsible for taking Richard Perle seriously? The Tooth Fairy? 3: If we stopped fighting the War on Terrorism, it would free up more time for all of us to fight the REALLY important war: The Vietnam War.
get your war on 40 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/01/war40-2/ 1: So as long as we'll never win the War on Terrorism, can we please stop fighting it? Or at least take a few months off? 2: But if we stopped fighting the War on Terrorism, what would Condoleezza Rice do all day? 3: Yeah- I'm so sure Condoleezza Rice does something all day!
get your war on 40 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/09/01/war40-1/ 1: Hold up- Now Bush is saying we'll NEVER WIN the War on Terrorism? Who elected him Noam Chomsky? 2: I can't believe he said that. What the hell? I mean dude, sure- you completely screwed up the Iraq war. But it's OK; someone will fix it for you! Don't give up on us now! 3: It's like if someone strikes out at bat, and then turns around and predicts nobody will ever be able to win a baseball game again. Umm, actually, it's just that you will never be able to win a baseball game. Because you totally suck at baseball.
get your war on 39 - #7 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/08/26/war39-7/ 1: I can't believe Doctors Without Borders is pulling out of Afghanistan. Did they finally run out of sick people? 2: Umm... I think it's more like they've finally run out of patience with being attacked by the Taliban. For some reason. Hold up- the Taliban? I thought we totally vanquished those fuckers. What happened to the vanquish? 3: So how is Doctors Without Borders gonna help Afghans now? By sending 'em Tylenol through the mail?
get your war on 39 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/08/26/war39-6/ 1: What are stem cells? Two months ago I had never heard of them, but now politicians can't shut up about them. Stem cells? That's like, the most scientific thing a candidate has ever mentioned. 2: Why can't we have a national debate about something scientific that I like? Endoplasmic reticulum in the mother-fuckin' house!!! 3: If Bush is gonna keep arguing against science, why not go all the way and argue against gravity? I bet he could convince some of his supporters they were floating.
get your war on 39 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/08/26/war39-5/ 1: I'm scared. I think Bush is going to win the election. Dammit. 2: Look on the bright side- if George W. Bush wins the election, it just proves that no one can be held responsible for anything. Not even the president. 3: I just want to see him be held responsible for one thing. I'd settle for a candy wrapper dropped on the White House lawn at this point. Just to let me know it's still possible.
get your war on 39 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/08/26/war39-4/ 1: Anyway, yeah, the Swift boat stuff is fun. So where's the real campaign? How do I get to see the real campaign? 2: This is the real campaign. This is it. 3: Wait a minute- you mean this is the real campaign even for the grown-ups???
get your war on 39 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/08/26/war39-3/ 1: Umm... guess what everybody? I don't give a fuck about the Vietnam War. Fuck it. Why act like it's interesting to me? Hell, I don't even remember it. 2: I don't give a damn if you were a war hero, or a war criminal. Just shut the fuck up about it, OK? We've got, like, three wars going on righ now IN THE PRESENT. I don't have time to give a fuck about Vietnam. You killed a bunch of Vietcong? Good for you. You say on your ass and got drunk in Texas? Great. I really couldn't give a fuck. You had "other priorities?" Fine. Get me some health insurance, you dumb motherfuckers. 3: HEALTH INSURANCE? How am I supposed to read a newspaper article about that? You think I want to look at some chart?
get your war on 39 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/08/26/war39-2/ 1: You know when I realized it was important to get to the bottom of whether John Kerry threw his medals over the bow of his Swift b-ahh fuck, who am I kidding? I can't even keep track of what I'm supposed to give a fuck about, it's so goddam retarded. 2: Come on, focus! Mekong Delta! Explosions, yes... but how many? Bronze star?!? Texas Guard National Air- 3: You know, there was a time when I would've been sad to hear that OVER A MILLION MORE AMERICANS ARE NOW LIVING IN POVERTY. But now my reaction is, "Good! I hope it's all those Swift-boat-givin'-a-fuck idiots."
get your war on 39 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/08/26/war39-1/ 1: I have to say, I'm impressed with how objective the press has been about this Swift boat issue. They're really giving me the space I need to make up my own mind. Does it help that I'm a stupid fuck? 2: That reminds me: How do you convince a Washington journalist that you're not slapping him in the face? 3: I don't know. How? 4: Tell him you're not.
get your war on 38 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/07/27/war38-5/ 1: You know what the CIA's motto is? "I can't believe it's not intelligence!" 2: You know what the White Houses' motto is? "Waging a Never-Ending Global War On Terrorism menas never having to say you're sorry. Because there's no time. Because we need to make up more crazy shit." 3: You know what the FBI's motto is? "The 'I' stands for "I will never be fired.'"
get your war on 38 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/07/27/war38-4/ 1: Last night I came up with a solution to the Israel/Palestine problem: Beating Ariel Sharon to death with the corpse of Yassir Arafat. Duh! 2: Those two are like John Lennon and Paul McCartney- they need each other to do their best work. It's hard to imagine the Middle East without 'em. 3: The only comforting fact about the Middle East is that no matter what, in a hundred years Sharon and Arafat will be ruining someplace even hotter.
get your war on 38 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/07/27/war38-3/ 1: Remember the Great Baghdad Power Vacuum of 2003? Is that what led to the Great Baghdad Disappointment Surplus of 2004? 2: Oh, come on. We owe the Iraqis nothing. We've given them their first taste of freedom in decades. We did a good thing, and they should thank us even if it, um, kills them. 3: Well, my question is always the same: When can I start blaming the guys in the sandals with all the guns pointed at them?
get your war on 38 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/07/27/war38-2/ 1: People who complain about the botched occupation seem to have forgotten one thing- Donald Rumsfeld's military push towards Baghdad was brilliant. 2: Yeah, right. Maybe I missed something, but wasn't the "military push" basically just us driving through the desert? That's "brilliant?" Driving in a straight line to get somewhere? And as far as defeating Saddam's army... look, no disrespect but the goddam NBA could have defeated Saddam's army. Big fuckin' deal-what was it, like a thousand malnourished motherfuckers in khakis shooting rifles from 1980? And our military thought that was the fight to win? Calling all strategic masterminds: that wasn't the fight to win. 3: There's a new law at the Army War College: Any fight with Ted Koppel riding along is automatically not that important.
get your war on 38 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/07/27/war38-1/ 1: Is Operation Iraqi Freedom the most expensive botched American thing ever? 2: The only thing that could've been more botched would be in America had landed on the moon using a rocket that only flew one way - with a crew of 130,000 astronauts who then killed 10,000 innocent moon men. We botched this motherfucker like botching was going out of style. This thing was so fuckin' botched, I'm surprised the name of the war wasn't misspelled. 3: I wonder if historians will refer to Operation Iraqi Freedom as a manifestation of the Botch Doctrine?
get your war on 37 - #10 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/06/28/war37-10/ 1: OH IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE A LITTLE MORE EXPENSIVE THAT I THOUGHT PLEASE DONATE ANOTHER $25,000,000,000 VIA PAYPAL
get your war on 37 - #9 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/06/28/war37-9/ 1: HEY DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE REVOLUTION IN MILITARY AFFAIRS? 2: SOUNDS GOOD WHAT IS IT? 3: I DON'T KNOW
get your war on 37 - #8 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/06/28/war37-8/ 1: A PRIEST, A RABBI, AND A MUSLIM CLERIC WALK INTO A BAR- 2: WHY??? 3: I DON'T KNOW
get your war on 37 - #7 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/06/28/war37-7/ 1: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? 2: WHY??? 3: I DON'T KNOW
get your war on 37 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/06/28/war37-6/ 1: WHAT IF I COULD GET AWAY WITH FUCKING UP GET YOUR WAR ON LIKE DONALD RUMSFELD GETS AWAY WITH FUCKING UP WARS?
get your war on 37 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/06/28/war37-5/ 1: Don't worry about the violence in Afghanistan (that NATO is undoubtedly quelling via ESP from inside Kabul). It's only in the run up to the election. 2: Yeah right! Everyone seems to think the Taliban are racing to kill people before the election because they're afraid Afghans will magically vote them into a parallel universe or something. Or do you think this is just the Taliban's last blast before they put down their guns and become policy wonks? When the Taliban is still killing humanitarian workers six months from now, Washington will probably say it's just violence in the run-up to the six-month anniversary of the election. 3: Maybe the White House thought with all the hoopla over Iraq, they should prove they can passively transfer sovereignty, too.
get your war on 37 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/06/28/war37-4/ 1: At least one good thing will come of this-now NATO will get more involved in Iraq's security. 2: Ha! I'm sure NATO will be happy to help in Iraq-as long as their troops can be stationed inside Kabul. 3: Now, that's just not fair! Why should NATO venture outside Kabul? Afghanistan is dangerous! Haven't you ever heard of the TALIBAN?
get your war on 37 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/06/28/war37-3/ 1: I gotta say, after hearing so much about inefficiency and incompetence in Iraq, it's amazing that we actually got to sovereignty ahead of schedule. We're like the Domino's Pizza of liberation! 2: I can't tell if handing over sovereignty two days early means America is the baddest-ass sovereignty transferer in history, or just that it's actually not that hard to do. 3: Does this mean we'll be bringing the troops home two days ahead of schedule?
get your war on 37 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/06/28/war37-2/ 1: What were the first words spoken in the newly sovereign Iraq? 2: "Mr. Bremer! Aren't you staying for the reception?" 3: You know, I'm surprised he didn't take one last leisurely stroll through the lazy streets of Baghdad. 4: I love it. Nothing says "Good luck" like handing off sovereignty and then running straight to the airport. Do we always treat sovereignty like it's a goddamn grenade?
get your war on 37 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/06/28/war37-1/ 1: What the heck? They transferred sovereignty two days early? Now I have to cancel my Iraqi Sovereignty Party on Wednesday! 2: What happens at an Iraqi Sovereignty Party? 3: You tell your guests they're in charge, but they can't drink without your permission.
get your war on 36 - #9 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/27/war36-9/ 1: "GOOD OL' UZBEKIKITTY! CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE GARFIELD MOVIE!" Meow! People are complaining about how I treated one of my prisoners! 2: "Shelkavenko had an open, bloody head wound approximately 5 centimeters long on the left side of his scalp, along with abrasions and indentation on the right side of his neck, and a long wound to the back of his neck. He also had bruises on the underside of his right art, and abrasions on the back of his shoulders. (His) scrotum was unevenly blackened and swollen, and he had a long indentation at the top of his left thigh. He had a bloody wound on his right leg and scratches on the backs of his ankles." 3: Can you top that, Amerikitty?
get your war on 36 - #8 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/27/war36-8/ 1: You know I almost feel kind of bad bringing this up right now, but... Ermm... American forces in Afghanistan told civilians they'd be denied humanitarian relief unless they provided intelligence about Al-Qaeda. 2: "Humanitarian relief: Just because Raytheon doesn't make it, doesn't mean it ain't a weapon." 3: What did the people in western Sudan say about the Abu Ghraib prison scandal? "'A few bad apples?' You don't know how good that sounds right now! We're pretty hungry."
get your war on 36 - #7 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/27/war36-7/ 1: Just how loud will Lakhdar Brahimi yell "I'M OUTTA HERE" on June 30th? 2: All this talk of June 30th reminds me-I am telling you right now that you will be able to fly on May 29th. If I come by on May 30th and you're not flying, I'm gonna yell-BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM FOR NOT FLYING LIKE I TOLD YOU TO? 3: Ha! I was gonna make a joke about some historic date in Afghanistan's future-who do I call to find one?
get your war on 36 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/27/war36-6/ 1: The closer we move to June 30th, the more excited I get! Has Iraq decided who's gonna land the sovereignty jet on the aircraft carrier of their destiny? Sovereignty rocks! (What is it, by the way?) 2: "Sovereignty." Parsed much? As of this evening, it means Iraqis will take control of their country. 3: Wow, With all the shit they've been through over the years, we couldn't find them a nicer country to take control of than Iraq?
get your war on 36 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/27/war36-5/ 1: You know what thought woke me up at three in the morning last night? Rumsfeld, Feith, and Perle are actually more incompetent than they are evil. How the hell is that possible? 2: You know what I realized? All these guys you see on TV, speaking about Iraq and sovereignty and June 30th and whatnot? None of them has any fucking idea what they're talking about. I listened to those blowhards for over a year and I didn't learn A SINGLE GODDAMN CORRECT THING. They talk out of their asses so much their cushions are probably deaf. I'd learn more about the future of Iraq if I read a Golden Book Encyclopedia upside down in the dark. 3: Ooh-if you do that, will you look up the entry for "Ignore?" I want to know if it still has that picture of Sudan.
get your war on 36 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/27/war36-4/ 1: Something really put things in perspective for me today. Kanan Makiya said he had a feeling of foreboding about Iraq. He said postwar planning was a total failure. If he's feeling nervous, we're fucked. 2: I know. He was one of the few people whose pro-war arguments didn't make my retinas detach from my eyes rolling up in the back of my head. And now even he feels let down? What's next-our fuckin' missiles start feeling sad? 3: Poor guy. Sometimes you're so happy to finally get incited to the prom, you don't care who'll be breathing down your neck when the lights go out.
get your war on 36 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/27/war36-3/ 1: Fuck a mild-mannered apology on Page 10. The only honest way for the New York Times to deal with this shit would have been to run a big-ass banner headline that says, "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL READING US? DOES JUDITH MILLER HAVE TO KILL YOU HERSELF?" 2: What about, "All the news that's fit to print, if by 'that's fit to print'" you mean 'that's actually un-fact-checkable horseshit pulled out of some con-man's ass and solemnly regurgitated on the front page, just so we could keep sitting at the tough guys table'?" 3: And you know what's most embarrassing for the Times? They forgot to charge Chalabi a marketing fee.
get your war on 36 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/27/war36-2/ 1: Did you read that article in yesterday's birdcage liner? Explaining how it bravely chose to believe in Iraqi intelligence when others didn't have the courage to dream? 2: Brave, brave, birdcage liner! Now that everyone on earth knows Ahmad Chalabi is Iraq's answer to fuckin' FAGIN, you're looking for closure. Mmm. You know what a wise man once said: "Fool me once... Shame on. Shame on you... You fool me, you can't get fooled again." BY THE WAY THAT'S THE MOTHERFUCKER WHOSE WAR YOU HELPED WAGE. 3: What's your problem? Isn't birdcage liner supposed to be absorbent?
get your war on 36 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/27/war36-1/ 1: It's the funniest thing-every morning my paperboy throws a bundle of birdcage liner on my front stoop. 2: I think I know which birdcage liner you're talking about. I pay a dollar for it every morning, just so I can look smart on the N/R Line. 3: And on Sundays, I get a massive, ten-pound bundle of birdcage liner! I should start raising ostriches!
get your war on 35 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/15/war35-6/ 1: I'm sick of all the flies in the ointment! How do we get the flies out of our sweet ointment of liberation? 2: Maybe we should get a better team of ointment salesmen-ones that don't have a history of coarsening Iraqi's skin. 3: I don't understand your attitude towards Iraq. You make it sound like you're not even looking forward to wiping your hands of it. 4: Ha! If people start trying to wipe their hands of Iraq now, their fucking wrists will break off before half our troops are home.
get your war on 35 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/15/war35-5/ 1: Come on, June 30th! Come on, baby! Almost there! 2: Yeah, right. June 30th. Good ol' fake-ass June 30th. You know good and well not a goddamn thing's gonna happen on June 30th! You might as well look forward to June 799th. "What's gonna happen on June 30th?" "Oh, transfer of sovereignty to the new democracy of Iraq's future, blah blah blah." Oh, really? Shut the fuck up! You know what's happening on June 30th-some dudes in suits are gonna sign some proclamation Iraqis haven't seen, and then a marching band will stomp around in a circle while Ahmad Chalabi pouts like a brat. People act like June 30th is the Iraqi Democracy Rapture. Whatever. You know what it's gonna be like in Iraq on June 30th? It's gonna be hot and dusty. 3: Maybe, but July 1st is gonna be AWESOME!
get your war on 35 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/15/war35-4/ 1: OK, now we're at the stage where people's fucking heads are being cut off? Golly, what a compelling counterargument to prisoner abuse, you fucking INSANE JIHADIST ASSHOLES! 2: Why don't we just cut to the chase and say the first side to rape a thousand retarded donkeys is the winner? 3: The thing about raping a thousand retarded donkeys is, no matter if you think the rapists are revealing their culture's true nature, or are simply a few bad apples, you still wind up with a thousand raped, retarded donkeys.
get your war on 35 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/15/war35-3/ 1: This is fucking crazy. I'm debating whether to watch a video of a man getting his head chopped off because it'll help give me a better understanding of jihadists. Then I'm debating whether I should spend more time looking at Iraqis being led around on leashes because it'll help give me a better understanding of- 2: Shut up! It won't help you understand anything. Besides, the War on Terrorism ain't about understanding-it's about over-standing. 3: Man, I'm glad to hear you say that. Because this shit is less fun to learn that calculus.
get your war on 35 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/15/war35-2/ 1: I knew we were moving fast in Iraq, but I never realized it was in a race to the bottom. 2: Ooh, a race! And the track is so crowded! I see Muqtada al-Sadr up ahead! Has he lapped us already? 3: I hope the Iraqi spectators appreciate the sporting competition! They know enough to just watch it on TV, right? It would suck if they decided to watch it live.
get your war on 35 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/05/15/war35-1/ 1: What rots first on a fish? The body or the head? 2: You know, when a fish gets rotten enough, you can't even tell the body from the head. 3: Jesus! My eyes are watering and I don't even live over there.
get your war on 34 - #9 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/04/16/war34-9/ 1: Hello? Palestine? Anybody home? If you had only answered the door a couple days ago, you could have played an exciting role in deciding your future! It was so exciting, I'm not even sure you exist anymore! 2: "Knocked?" Yeah, I'm sure we knocked. Come on, you couldn't even work up the energy to answer the door? You must be watching something really good on TV! 3: Say, does that big-ass wall screw up your reception?
get your war on 34 - #8 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/04/16/war34-8/ 1: Afghanikitty, why is Hamid Karzai such a pussy? He's trying as hard as he can! Thpppt! 2: Seriously, it's been two years and the guy can't even run his own country? Meow! What's he afraid of? 3: Is it all those mean ol' alley cats outside Kabul? Why's he letting them run the show? Those are some mean alley cats! Everyone's afraid to step on their tails! Ack! Say... could you go remind Amerikitty that I'm still here? I think I have eight less than nine lives left.
get your war on 34 - #7 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/04/16/war34-7/ 1: "GOOD OL' UZBEKIKITTY! DONALD RUMSFELD'S FAVORITE PUSSY!" What did the man say while being boiled alive? "Me-OW!!!" 2: The nice thing about being Donald Rumsfeld's favorite pussy is that he'll always be sweet on me! America never forgets the good pussy! 3: Wow, who are you? You don't look so good! Don't you remember me? I'm Afghanikitty!
get your war on 34 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/04/16/war34-6/ 1: I loved it when the reporter was basically like, "Just who the hell exactly are we turning sovereignty over to on June 30th? Space Ghost?" And Bush said, "Fuck, I don't know-go ask Lakhdar Brahimi." 2: And everyone in America was like, "WHO THE FUCK IS LAKHDAR BRAHIMI? Can he balance the budget, too?" 3: You know the last country Brahimi saved? It's called "Afghanistan." I dare you to go live there.
get your war on 34 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/04/16/war34-5/ 1: You know what's weird? It's almost like, when we moved troops from Afghanistan to Iraq, we moved all our Stay the Course and Stand our Ground too. I don't think we heft a single Stay the Course lying around over there. 2: You know what the bottom line is? If Bush was a doctor he'd use the "get well soon" card to diagnose the illness. 3: Are you suggesting that if we're fighting a "war of ideas" in the Muslim world, we need a commander-in-chief who can successfully express one when he opens his mouth? I always thought the White House was just handicapping itself so the Clash of Civilizations wouldn't look fixed.
get your war on 34 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/04/16/war34-4/ 1: Complicated times call for simple language! How else do you justify being allies with Pakistan without your goddamn head exploding from cognitive dissonance? 2: Listen. Me like simple words. Make me feel strong. OK. But simple words plus morally compromised geopolitical strategic framework not so great. Maybe? Or me bad citizen for think that? 3: Listen, man-What part of "Democracy Freedon Stay the Course Terror Terror" don't you understand? 4: Hey-You're putting me "under the spot" here. Can I go get my friend to hold my hand while you ask me questions?
get your war on 34 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/04/16/war34-3/ 1: Look, if President Bush had whatever Stephen Hawking has, and he couldn't speak correctly because his face was all frozen up and drooly and he rolled around D.C. in a motorized wheelchair with Condoleezza Rice feeding him oatmeal-then I wouldn't care how he talked. But the dude is like, the MOST PHYSICALLY FIT MAN IN AMERICA. He went to YALE. What the fuck? 2: You think just because the words are garbled in his mouth, they're garbled in his mind? 3: Hell yes they're garbled in his mind! His mind is like one of those spinning cages where you pull out the winning lottery numbers-but there's only four goddam little balls in his cage: "Freedom," "Democracy," "Terror," and "Stay the Course." He opens his mouth, one of the balls drops out. That's not a conversation, that's Keno. 4: Wait-who said anything about having a conversation?
get your war on 34 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2004/04/16/war34-2/ 1: OK, really. What am I supposed to say? "Thank you, President Bush, for holding a prime-time press conference? Your crumbs are so delicious? It means so much to us that you took precious time away from your stupid fuckin' hole-in-the-wall, dusty backasswards fake-ass ranch down in dipshit CRAWFORD, TEXAS to speak to us about the crappy war in Iraq that you and your staff completely fucked up because you're a bunch of FUCKING EGOMANIACAL RETARDS?" 2: No you DIDN'T! No you didn't make fun of the ranch in Crawford, Texas! Typical East Coast elitist! 3: "East Coast elitist?" Fuck it, sure-is that what you call it? Fine. All I know is I'm from New York City, I can actually think on my feet, I can string two fuckin' sentences together without notes, and I could answer some motherfuckers' questions about a war without just spitting out eleven different permutations of the same goddamn "goo-gah freedom" phrase! So sue me-that makes me elitist? Good! If "elitist" just means "not the dumbest motherfucker in the room," I'll be an elitist!