jeremy kaplowitz

@jeremykaplowitz.com

33271 Followers 565 Following

nyc "comedian" plz follow @quorators.bsky.social ty

Simpsons Duff Lite joke cropped
Sorry, but it’s 2052 and I’m SICK of these Gen Beta Babies coming for me. I'm Gen Alpha, child of Millennials, but in actuality, I was raised by AI slop. Unlike lazy Gen Betas, I was alive before the world of COVID-19. I grew up actually reading good Reddit AITAs, instead of having it beamed into my neurochip. I admired real celebs, like Mr. Beast, and The Rizzler. We are NOT the same. DO NOT mess with us.
quorators
jeremy kaplowitz
quorators
folks its dead senator lindsey graham
kevin smith tweet from 2009 Ten years in and we bone like we're c heating on each other WITH each other. A decade-plus and her clit/brown/taint-area still pOwns my dick.
MarketWatch: What’s the best piece of financial advice you’ve ever gotten? Fineman: I can give you my favorite one, which came from Lorne. He said you always want to live in a place you can’t quite afford, which is a very New York thing to say. MarketWatch: That’s fascinating, especially in an era of sky-high rents in the city. What do you think the logic is there? Fineman: I do think it’s motivated me to work 10 times harder than I probably would. And I’m very happy working.
me wet
comments saying they love the chinese movies
charlie kirk statue ofc
Graham Platner Puts Nazi Tattoo Back on Chest After dropping out of the race for Senate, the Maine Democrat announced that there was no reason for him to not have the tattoo anymore.
Elaine with AI modern haircut
ai generated bald tony soprano
4 cards in hand, including Finesse (0 cost, gain 4 block, draw 1 card). one card in discard: another Finesse. ascension 8 with Silent
hasan reading my tweet
Millie Bobby Brown thinks that she was a closeted gay soldier who was slain with a sword to the spine in a past life.
It seems like every A-lister in entertainment, music, and sports was invited to Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's wedding at Madison Square Garden. Except Amy Schumer.
megalopolis
Nature's Ultimate Risk Management STrategy When a female chimpanzee is in heat, she doesn't put all her eggs in one basket. She diversifies - mating with nearly every male in the troop. Result? Total paternity confusing. Every male thinks the baby might be his... so nobody wants to harm the offspring. Brilliant portfolio protection. Moral of the story: Never be 100% concentrated in one position. Spread the risk. Keep them guessing. Protect your downside. Whether it's chimps or capital - diversification is king. [pic of two chimps fucking]
Sen. Mitch McConnell was found unconscious when rushed to the hospital.
me: so you didn't get the childish jabs I sent to that number? them: Oh, I get it. My bad. Nice one. They’ll bury you next to George Carlin one day.
No. My opening email states that I was trying to track down whether that 40 number belonged to you or Mark Roebuck, since that’s what Matt Fresh shared with me. The Ash payment comment threw me off and made me think it was yours, and that you were withholding the codes. Its all good. I’ll figure something else out. Lets end this thread.
them: I literally just work in IT. Text your childish jabs to someone else. me: just sent a few to a number that ends in 40. did you get them?
I get it, man, you're probably not used to seeing jokes after every funny person left the website. good luck!
Jeremy, Im here working, trying to complete a task. Not at a bar telling jokes. So when someone says, "how much will your CEO pay me for it" and nothing else over text, Im supposed to guess that you’re trying to be funny? You could have shared the info from your last message the first time, which does help. Later.
email subject that says "harddrivema"
my response "hm idk what will Ash give me for it?"
Alex has been saying six seven in every episode for the last few weeks and it is assisting the re-development of my psychosis. Great ep
rainbow that i saw at the queen's night market
political compass quiz results 72% gamer vs 28% pervert 34% laurel vs 66% yanny 47% guy who quotes tim robinson in public vs 53% guy who makes 9/11 jokes 75% knows what "red scare" podcast is vs 25% alcoholic your closest match: Shadow the Hedgehog Unemployed
me holding my leg up and you can see a big cut on it
'Backrooms' Sends Hollywood Running to Reddit for New Ideas
’90s Jerry Seinfeld Doing Bits About His 17-Year-Old Girlfriend
Punk Dad Can Still Hang — Maybe Next Friday Between 5 p.m. And 8 p.m., or Potentially Two Saturdays from Now, but Only During the Day
quorators
israel tweeted: Your bagels are Jewish And they are delicious But don't forget about hummus by the seaside Israel in five
the rizzler knicks hype video he tweeted today
May 30th 2022 i ratioed elon musk and he posted a meme about how god is testing him and he needs to put his phone down
#B7E4CF tattoo on a wrist
google ad for bags of blood??
bill gates in the social network but its the guy from nathan for you
Is Ben Stiller actually this level of famous? He was the male model in that one slightly watchable comedy, and his dad was fun in Seinfeld, and, um...
three butt plugs on a trash can
cat in lap
A man in Tennessee who was arrested and jailed for 37 days after refusing to take down memes about Charlie Kirk’s death has won an $835,000 settlement.
“He likes to do the thing where I hold his scrotum and tell him to cough,” Oz explained. “He is always asking if he can do the cough test, so we do it once or twice per day. He says I have very warm hands. I think it makes him feel safe, but I think it also makes him feel strong. I tell him he is very good at being the president. People always do the whole oh I was just following orders thing, but I love my job and it's an honor to serve.”
it is happening again
The Hamlet Factory from above
someone points out that the Clone Wars had "Rotta the Hutt" as a baby and i suggest baby ackbar and Jeremy Hammond suggests baby c3po
my 2 star review of Obi-Wan Kenobi (2022) it's really funny to me that they just keep doing kid versions of the OT characters. was trying to think of a funny person to suggest they do next but they honestly have gotten to all the main ones already! idk, baby jaba????
Star Wars Producer Scrolls Through Kurosawa’s IMDb for Next Idea by Jeremy Kaplowitz Jan 17, 2024
barton fink beach scene
the dark knight
jack quaid saying "obama's pretty hard to top"
Francesca Scorsese has been cast as a Mrs Smith in ‘MR & MRS SMITH’ Season 2. (Source: Deadline)
the odyssey artwork on like a pot or some shit
Brianna Wu post from yesterday: When I was Israel, I didn’t go to Hebron, which is a city controlled by Palestinians. My fear was that I’m just famous enough to get recognized and that a Palestinian mob would murder me for being trans. It is mind blowing to me that trans people cannot recognize the people that fought with us for LGBT rights are our friends and the terrorists that throw trans women off roofs are not.
Trump: Dumocrats. They’re dumb. It’s d-u-m. I got rid of the b. So, you’re only changing one letter. E goes and the U comes.
me sad