Jon Bois

@jonbois.bsky.social

347837 Followers 261 Following

jon https://www.patreon.com/c/SecretBase https://www.youtube.com/SecretBaseSBN

50007: Second draft T.J. Bro I have been trying to hit you up for months. I got something for you. JUICE. hit me T.J. Sliced ketchup. Sliced mustard. Sliced mayonnaise. Sliced hot sauce. Sliced ranch dressing. All solid. JUICE. hold up here T.J. I figured out how to stabilize sauces and shit. No more fuckin' with the little packets. No more stupid bottles. It just comes out of a can like cranberry sauce. You can slice it like a butter knife. JUICE. hooooold up here T.J. Yeah. It's mad congealed. And that means shit doesn't spill everywhere or come out the sides when you make a sandwich. JUICE. this also means, and i'm sorry if i'm jumpin to conclusions here, i just feel as though we opened the ark of the condiment. this means that an addition such as ketchup could be regarded not as a condiment of fluid and indeterminate quantity but a signature filling, a stackable, countable food integer. no longer will one ask for some ketchup. one will ask for a ketchup T.J. See, you get it. You're seein' the vision here, bro. You got, like, special glasses where you can see the vision. TEN. You're just describing glasses, I think.
chuck, a 20-pound dog with a brindle coat, expectantly waiting for me to throw a toy he dropped in front of me
justin timberlake "it's gonna be may" meme
screencap: Seth Rosenthal @sethrosenthal.bsky.social I complimented a guy on his Dick
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE JON FINISHES JAR OF SALSA “I’m sure I’ll pick up some more at some point,” says Bluesky personality NEW YORK – Jon Bois (@jonbois.bsky.social) announced Friday afternoon that he and his family has finished a jar of salsa purchased weeks prior, and plan to purchase a new jar of salsa in short order. “I finished the last of it today,” Jon said. “I’m sure I’ll pick up some more at some point.” Jon offered little insight into whether he’ll stick with the same brand of salsa, or reach for another label. “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll just grab whatever [the grocery store has available], probably.” Taco nights must be a hit in the Bois household, no? “I mean, yeah, I guess,” Jon offers. “ We put it on our tacos and stuff. All that’s really going on here is that I ran out, so I’m gonna get some more. I don’t think there’s much more to it than that.” Perhaps Jon would be interested in hearing some of his Bluesky followers’ favorite brands of salsa? “No, not really.” Media Contact: Jon Bois (operator, @jonbois.bsky.social Bluesky account) ###
video thumbnail: VENTURA VS. RYAN PT. 1 THE HISTORY OF CHARGING THE MOUND
youtube thumbnail showing an excavator on fire with the title "Bad day doing tree work"
[poster with photos of Nolan Ryan, Robin Ventura, Craig Grebeck and Bo Jackson] The history of charging the mound Episode 9 Robin Ventura vs. Nolan Ryan Premieres in two parts on Secret Base's Patreon Part 1: July 6th (44 minutes) | Part 2: August 3rd (38 minutes) Releases on YouTube in October patreon.com/SecretBase
screencap from spaceballs where dark helmet flies headfirst into a console
The Circleville Herald Sat., Nov 28, 1970 - Page 9 Washington rookie pitcher Dick Suck, 25, hurled for Savannah and Buffalo in 1969.
screencap from pee-wee's big adventure in which pee-wee is finally tired of hearing the hobo sing songs
gif of tracy mcgrady's face frozen into the maddest frown you've ever seen as a graphic appears onscreen establishing that his team has just lost 94-86
print on the back of a bag of hal's potato chips: Hal was NY BORN, NY MADE He lover to tease his sons by calling potato chips "crackers."
tweet of mine from april 21, 2022: apologies but i've got a huge backlog of things i need to get mad about, and i probably won't be able to get mad about cnn+ until fall 2029. right now i'm mad about microsoft silverlight. i expect to start getting mad about buzzfeed listicles at some point in 2026
photo of tv showing upcoming mlb schedule, including rockies, a’s and phillies
woodward and bernstein in all the president's men
photo of a beach that’s like 12 square pixels
batman
"progressively larger dominoes falling" meme with the same image superimposed on the small domino and an image of the dominoes having fallen superimposed on the large domino
justin timberlake "it's gonna be may" meme
3D illustration of a larger circular room with glass double doors on the far side. on the floor of the room are the words: "I’m walking back to the hotel. I get three-quarters of the way out of the lobby, and all of a sudden I go, “ohhh fuck.” And I’m standing here like this. I got my butt pinched so fuckin’ … I’m fucked. I can’t move. All of a sudden, you know, I felt all right, I went just like this … *BWWWWWFFFFFHHHH* Water. I had some food poisoning from the crabs. Take off my leather jacket. Tied it around my waist. And I’m just standing there, and it’s just runnin’ down my leg. I got jeans on, black bucks, no socks. And I just start fuckin’ walkin’. Every time I’m walkin’, something’s coming out. It’s water. Straight fuckin’ water. Then, to show you how sick I was, to tell you how sick I was, then I’m standing outside, I go to get out my cell phone, and I call a guy … [inaudible] I said, “Larry, you won’t believe this. I’m standing outside the fuckin’ Bellagio. I can’t move. I got shit everywhere. I shit all over myself. And Larry’s about a 48 waist. So he brings me over a pair of pants. And some towels, and some towels.
James Harden [photo of james harden in nets jersey] World's Greatest Basketball Player
mac os screenshot: i tried to name a file killsomebody.png and got a notification saying "'killsomebody.png' already exists. Do you want to replace it?'
scatter plot labeled "Batting averages described as 'paltry,' 1918-2026. Source: newspapers.com." the plot contains 710 data points that mostly sit between .150 and .250, but some of which sit as low as .000 and as high as .833
a map of the united states with the states california, kansas, missouri, illinois, kentucky, north carolina, louisiana, and alabama highlighted
photo of tv showing knicks 60, hawks 19
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE JON BUYS NEW CAN OPENER “It was time,” says Bluesky personality NEW YORK – Jon Bois (@jonbois.bsky.social) announced Saturday afternoon that he had purchased a new can opener. The utensil it is replacing has been in Jon’s possession for “well over a decade,” but after many years of satisfactory performance, wear and tear had at last begun to take its toll. “I’m not positive of exactly when or where I got it,” says Jon, “but I know I took it with me when I moved [from Louisville to New York in 2014]. I’m pretty sure I had it for a solid couple of years before that at least. If I had to pick a year, I’d say 2011. I most likely would have bought it at the Kroger on Goss in Louisville, since I lived nearby at the time. “Who really knows, though. I don’t keep very good records on that stuff.” The new can opener, purchased at a nearby grocery store for $3.99, figures to see light to moderate use – perhaps two to three times per week – in Jon’s household, and it’s expected to last roughly as long as the old can opener. “We need to open cans of stuff on a regular basis,” he explains. “Tomatoes, beans, coconut milk, tuna, you name it. All I really expect is that it stays in decent shape without wearing out or breaking or something. There’s nothing worse than when you’re in the middle of making dinner, you don’t have any way to open a can of something, and you realized you’re [totally] out of luck.” The acquisition had been in the works for several weeks, Jon says. “The teeth in the gear in the old one were starting to rust, and we’d been noticing that the wheel hadn’t been cutting as well lately. It seemed like it just wasn’t getting a good grip on the lid of the can the way it used to. I didn’t want to wait for it to break entirely before getting a new one. It was totally a good can opener as far as those things go. It just wore out, that’s all.” Media Contact: Jon Bois (operator, @jonbois.bsky.social Bluesky account) ###
screenshot from edsbscharitybowl.com showing that $461,666 has been raised from 1572 donors
an infowars t-shirt that says "YOU ARE THE INFO WAR"
Jon Bois @jonbois.bsky.social holy shit. i was just watching the cavs-raptors game and the ball fell out of the bottom of the basket. it was with 4:04 left in the second quarter if you can get your hands on a replay. the guy shot the ball, it went through the hoop, and then it straight up fell out of the net and onto the floor 2:11 PM • Apr 18, 2026 Everybody can reply v 57 reposts 6 quotes 6 quotes 814 likes 4 saves
me and alex rubenstein standing with the seattle pilots monument at the former location of home plate which is now outside a lowe's. the guy's bat has been broken for many years now
fake screenshot of bluesky advisory: "Had about enough of your bullshit"
dale gets a "bait and switch!" chant going at the cookout and hank tries to singlehandedly counteract it by chainting "bait and bait!"
@baberuth tweet from 10/26/2007: Thanks for turning Fenway Pak into "CLOWN TOWN". Did they take their little clown car with them for "THE DANCING FOOL". The Babe!
20 bouche a la reinee, bkb, basically a chicken pot pie 19 chana curry, bombay grill 18 yassa yapp, joloff 17 birria tacos, la ruta del taco 16 chicken shawarma wrap, dar 525 15 original chicken sandwich, filly luv, i actually like this one even more than peaches 14 pepperoni pizza, rocco pizza, pepperonis are the little curled up kind, very important 13 salmon goodness sandwich, bk bagels, involves sour cream but somehow works 12 catfish sandwich, ma-n-pop 11 oxtail, bed-stuy fish fry, i don't usually even like oxtail that much 10 ribs, royal rib house, plan for a wait on weekends but it's worth it 9 whatever sandwich they’ve got, shipwreck 8 maple glazed donut, fat doughnut, i think they're open again 7 pastrami sandwich, david’s brisket house 6 hot chicken thigh + tater tots, peri peri, gold standard of fast food 5 burger, trad room, yes the best burger in bed-stuy is at a japanese place 4 gumbo, peaches, order an extra to go as leftovers 3 lasagna, saraghina, they sell a $30 can of tomatoes that i will one day buy 2 chicken biscuit with gravy, brown butter, one of my favorite breakfasts anywhere 1 si krong khua, ler lers, spicy ribs with sticky rice. unreal honorable mention: best menu item emeritus, griot sandwich, grandchamps, this was one of the best sandwiches i have ever eaten
screencap of tweet: Draymond: We still going to the BBQ? Harden: The Ball is my BBQ which I'm about to dunk into.
photo of man with pie all over his face with onion headline: Winner Didn't Even Know It Was Pie-Eating Contest
michael irvin tweet edited to read MAN WHEN I CARRIED YOU IT WAS THEN THAT I CARRIED YOU.
a series of photos of characters in The Pitt alongside their Star Trek: TNG comps dr. robby: picard langdon: riker dana evans: q abbot: guinan mckay: dr. beverly crusher park the shark: worf ogilvie: data al-hashimi: troi gloria underwood: borg picard santos: lore whitaker: barclay dr. mohan: young picard victoria javadi: geordi la forge collins: tasha yar
a janky cgi diorama depicting Ten-Cent Beer Night, Cleveland, Ohio, June 4th, 1974
mario standing inside the shoe in super mario 3
text of official creative commons license: "Jon's cardamom joke © 2026 by Jon Bois is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International"
isaiah thomas at a press conference holding up a cavs jersey that reads "ALWAYS BELIEVE 2007"
Drafts 7d this post isn't any good either. to the drafts folder with you 7d file this one under N.G.P. ... Not a Good Post! 7d p.u. – this post stinks to high heaven! 7d this post is just plain not good enough to publish, and that's that 7d this post is no good. forget the draft folder – stick this one in the garbage can! 7d oh, what's the use 7d this is a TERRIBLE post! no one will like it! 7d dang it
a 3D chart labeled "WINFIELD" with rows and columns representing the intersecting careers of Milt Wilcox, Nolan Ryan, Mike Krukow, Mike Norris, Dave Rozema, Lenny Randle, Dave Winfield, George Brett, and Robin Ventura
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE JON REPORTS IT IS “COLD AS BALLS” OUTSIDE Bluesky personality also describes weather as “colder than balls” NEW YORK – Jon Bois (@jonbois.bsky.social) released the following statement Saturday afternoon at approximately 1:30 p.m. local time: “It’s cold as balls outside today. It’s supposed to get even colder, too.” Minutes later, Bois issued a second statement: “It’s colder than balls out there. You really gotta bundle up, because it’s as cold as balls out there.” Media Contact: Jon Bois (operator, @jonbois.bsky.social Bluesky account) ###
screenshot of google image search results for "jim leyland smoking," featuring many photos of jim leyland smoking
poster for The Last Castle (2001) starring robert redford, james gandolfini, mark ruffalo and delroy lindo
NFL’s New Overtime Rules - First possession per team - Which comes first: score or possession - If coin flip is heads, elect to kick or receive. Same if tails, once possessions - If a field goal is kicked on first possession, team on field must acquiesce Designed by Jon. Share with your friends if you found this helpful!
screenshot from A View To A Kill (1985): while aboard an airship grace jones helpfully ushers a businessman downstairs to get a drink at the bar in the basement, a thing airships are famously known to have
NFL’s New Overtime Rules - First possession per team - Which comes first: score or possession - If coin flip is heads, elect to kick or receive. Same if tails, once possessions - If a field goal is kicked on first possession, team on field must acquiesce Designed by Jon. Share with your friends if you found this helpful!
chuck, a 20-pound mutt with a brindle coat, sitting on the couch with his toy alligator
a photo of wildman whitehouse with lettering above him spelling "CATASTROPHIC"
stathead screenshot: table showing two other instances of a team kneeling on 4th down in the 4th quarter while trailing. cowboys vs. 49ers on 10/8/2023 and bengals vs. falcons on 9/22/2002
Chat summary Auto-generated experiment - Quality may vary Viewers in the chat are discussing a quarterback's performance and a specific play, with many debating whether the wide receiver Jeudy should be blamed. Some viewers are also annoyed at the ads.
"HMS Agamemnon," 1850 engraving (i couldn't track down the name of the artist), with text from "The Story of the Atlantic Cable" by Charles Bright cut out and superimposed over the waves
illustration of the hms agamemnon listing almost totally sideways
NFL’s New Overtime Rules - First possession per team - Which comes first: score or possession - If coin flip is heads, elect to kick or receive. Same if tails, once possessions - If a field goal is kicked on first possession, team on field must acquiesce Designed by Jon. Share with your friends if you found this helpful!
clip art of a guy dunking a basketball while inside of another basketball with the text YOUR NAME / TEXT above it
NFL’s New Overtime Rules - First possession per team - Which comes first: score or possession - If coin flip is heads, elect to kick or receive. Same if tails, once possessions - If a field goal is kicked on first possession, team on field must acquiesce Designed by Jon. Share with your friends if you found this helpful!