Julia Clement

@juliaclement.bsky.social

77 Followers 71 Following

If you like my memes, feel free to share, either here or elsewhere. Just keep my credits. To see more, follow me. Auckland based comedian, playwright & comedy producer.

DEATH looms over Julia sitting in a basket of fruit. Text: DEATH: All berries are edible. Some only once. [The mythological character formerly known as DEATH]
DEATH looks on. Beneath him Julia does a mic drop. Behind her a zombie head has a "No" symbol superimposed. Text: DEATH "They said that comedian died ... how stupid do they think I am? I can see they're still walking and they don't look like a zombie to me ... I hate zombies." [followed by 2 minute rant about zombies]
DEATH stands to the far left, front and right a laughing comedian holds her belly. Text: DEATH: Here I am, laughing in the face of life. [The mythological character formerly known as DEATH]
Julia coughs, beside her is an emoji wearing a surgical mask. DEATH stands before a microphone. Text: Julia: I have a bad cold. DEATH: That’s funny, I have a bad Julia.
Three views of Julia: First she is having high tea, middle she is an a version of Edvard Munch's The Scream & in the final she is holding a cup of tea with a ooo expression. Text: I have a cup of tea every year, but I am trying to cut back.
DEATH, The Grin Reaper looks on. Text: I really like my new name. I am now called "It's just a bad cold." The mythological character formerly known as DEATH.
A despondent Julia with a mug sits on the ground outside a shop doorway. Images of burger meals are displayed. Text: If Luxon does end homelessness, who's going to guard the shop doorways in Queen Street overnight?
A despondent Julia with a mug sits on the ground outside a shop doorway. Images of burger meals are displayed. Text: Nobody needs to be unemployed in this country. You can always get a job sitting outside Burger bars asking for spare change.
A ghostly Julia with a mug sits on the ground outside a shop doorway. Images of burger meals are displayed. Text: The homeless woman that normally begs outside the Newmarket burger bar wasn't there today. I hope she's gone somewhere nice for her vacation.
A delighted comedian is awarding a score of 10/10. Three small animals share her delight. 6 headstones are below. Text: A typo prone friend asked if his jokes were any god so I printed them and put 1 on each of 14 fresh graves. No resurrections yet.
Julia sits at a busy desk. Behind her a second copy of her is shooting a ray gun, behind her is a third copy holding up a heart. Text: I’m writing a book about a science fantasy author who secretly writes romances. It's transgendre literature.
Three musicians play a guitar, bongos and a drum. Text: The set was ruined because the air guitar was out of tune and the air drummer’s tempo was worse.
Julia and a worker are installing solar panels on a roof. An oversized moon and star field is behind them. Text: It's dawned on me that solar power is the answer, but it won't happen overnight.
Julia in a uniform stands behind a smaller version of herself on a giant paper dart. Text: My brother took ages to clear customs. In retrospect it was probably a mistake to send him a txt asking if they'd found the drugs yet?
The coalition of cruelty is in a burning dumpster. An unconcerned comedian sips her drink. Rubbish is on the ground. Text: Best thing about being in a coalition? You can blame unpopular policies on your partners. Worst thing? You get blamed for their bad policies.
Julia sits on a giant paper dart. Later she is looking at a giant pocket watch. Text: At Auckland airport waiting for my brother. Before I left home 1/2 hour ago flight was 13 min early now 17 late. Did it stop while I drove?
A modified endoscopy diagramme labelled for an innuendoscope. Julia is being held aloft by balloons tied to her trouser. Text: With so many jokes on endoscopes relying on innuendo, I prefer to sit them out.
Julia sipping a drink stands in front of a burning dumpster with the coalition of cruelty in it. Rubbish is on the ground. Text: I refuse to surrender my country to people who think climate change is fake and trickle down is real.
Julia wakes up, another picture of her sleeps on. Text: The opposite of “Woke” is “Sleeping”.
A frustrated Julia stands behind a "No" symbol over an accounting software logo. Text: Why would I buy accounting software from someone who can't even spell Zero?
Julia is examining a politician. Another picture of her is showing fear. Text: NZ politics is a case of Winston, Looseton.
A pipette dropping water into an eye; Julia, drowning. Text: Was the Labour/Green proposed tax on water aimed at homeopaths?
A robot vacuum cleaner is pushed up against a conventional vacuum cleaner. A frustrated Julia stands behind them, Argh! is in big letters. Text: Sibling Rivalry: My Roomba just choked itself trying to eat the big vacuum cleaner's power cord.
Julia examines a rat. Text: I'm unable to donate blood as when one of my medications is given in huge doses to pregnant rats it can cause birth defects. Personally I'd rather my blood was given to humans, not rats.
Two purple giraffes on opposite sides of a portcullis. Text: LSD's original name was LSD-25. Dr Albert Hofmann synthesized new forms until number 25 when flying purple giraffes blocked the lab's portcullis.
A burning PC. An exasperated comedian throws her laptop and papers in the air. Text: When I registered juliaclement.com, Godaddy suggested I should also register juliakind.com and juliamild.com.
Julia examines a photograph of Charles Dickens. Text: When someone describes a first world problem, I like to reply "Dreadful, that's like something out of Dickens" shake my head & walk off ... I would have made a great Disney villain.
An exasperated Julia stands in front of a burning computer. A second version of her has an anvil dropped on her head. Text: Why does autocorrect "fix" everything except my real typos?
The coalition of cruelty is in a burning dumpster. An unconcerned comedian sips her drink. Rubbish is on the ground. Text: Best thing about being in a coalition? You can blame unpopular policies on your partners. Worst thing? You get blamed for their bad policies.
Three images of Julia. In two she is drinking tea, in the third she bathes in it. Text: Tap dancing lesson #1: Drink two pots of tea with no toilet breaks.
Julia looks at Hypatia of Alexandria & Marie Curie. Below them are two modern scientists. Text: If I seem smart it's because I'm copying over the shoulders of geniuses.
Julia stands beside a giant bowl containing something that looks like guacamole. There are giant corn chips. Text: Tonight's dinner was bought to me by the letter C: Chilli, cucumber, courgette, cavocado and comato; into blender and eaten with Corn chips.
Julia stands by an open closet crying. Text: So let's get this straight. Harriet Potter was forced to stay in the closet by her transphobic uncle & aunt?
Julia stands beside a diagramme of a colonoscope with the captions changed to Bluetooth, speaker, rectum & innuendoscope. Text: I've just invented the innuendoscope. It has a small but powerful loudspeaker in the tip that tells risque jokes from inside your anus.
Julia looks over an old fashioned manual coffee mill. Text: Q: Where is decaf coffee made? A: Ground zero.
Julia lies on the ground, Mickey Mouse's shoe is touching her head. Text: If you want a picture of the future, imagine Mickey Mouse's shoe stamping on a human face — forever. (After George Orwell, 1984) — This is about excessively long copyright terms.
Julia lies on the floor, dead, a ghost rises from her, a second picture of her throws her laptop and papers in the air in horror. Text: Sometimes I forget I'm dead. The woman who inherited my PC is baffled whenever she notices I've been posting on it.
A rugby player in Fitzroy Primary School playing strip with a yellow circle behind. Julia with mathematics & geometry symbols. Text: Rugby may be a game of two halves but circles are a game of 2π.
Julia at a mic in a stand, her arm looks almost like she's doing a mic drop. Text: OK Julia, you're supposed to be a comedian. Think of something funny to say.
Julia in an Elizabethan ruff holds up a skull. Another comedian with a concerned looks is standing in front of theatre seats. Text: No spoilers please, but Hamlet does win in the end, doesn't he? I mean Shakespeare wouldn't be such an amateur that the hero loses?
Julia sits in an inflatable pool holding a drink. Text: Life guard at the pool said my swimsuit was too revealing then asked if I was male or female. I replied "Then it can't be that revealing."
Julia is eating a pasta or noodle meal. Several worms float above her. Text: I wrote a letter today and used the word "Mnemonic" four times. Every single time I spelled it wrong, so I wrote this little mnemonic to remember it "Many Nematodes Eat Mushy Organic Noodles In Cafes" which would be great if only I could remember how to spell nematoads.
Julia is eating a bowl of ramen. Two other comedians are being lifted by balloons. Text: My doctor told me I need a lighter diet so I wrote The Helium Cookbook.
Julia on a scooter with a dog in a sidecar are in a road tunnel. Text: I wanted to take the Waterview tunnel, but someone told me where it came out. SPOILER!
Julia on her knees has a ghost coming out of her. Another picture of Julia is holding up a small clock. Text: I intend to live forever, or die trying (Paraphrase of Joseph Heller's, Catch-22. Said about Yossarian.)
Two trolls are under a bridge. One has a small child pulling its ears, the other has a face in its chest & no head. To one side there is a burning PC & Julia watching the scene. Text: I don't understand how Internet trolls function. How do they get decent WIFI under the bridge?
Julia at a mic. Smaller versions of her are laughing progressively more intensely finishing with one rolling on the floor and the last holding her sides. Text: Comedy's all fun and games until someone splits their sides.
An upset Julia with the words "Oh My" above her head. A second image of her is at a microphone. Text: Totally pissed off at the scalpers. My show's been on sale for 4 days and they still haven't bought all the tickets.
Julia at a microphone. Two upset copies of her behind a massive aubergine. Text: I'd tell penis jokes, but there's a shortage.
Julia is held aloft on the spout from a blue whale. Text: Question on a quiz show: The main food of Blue Whales is? Krill, Anchovies, Sardines? Obviously Krill, how's a whale going to open a can?
Julia is experiencing a cold winter blast she is not dressed for. Text: The Winter solstice is at 8:24PM 21/6/26. After this the days will get longer.
Julia is coughing, she stands next to an emoji wearing a mask. Text: Time to get tough on people who stand too close to themselves.
Three images of Julia, each with a different cat. Text: Are my wife's pets my step cats or my cats-in-law?
Julia is examining an epilator. Text: The epilator took 15 years to develop. One to make it work & fourteen to make it hurt more.
Julia in bed looking at her phone with a happy surprised expression. Text: You can't call a person truly alone who has social media and 5G coverage.
Julia examines a face crudely made up to resemble the moon. It has a rocket capsule sticking out of its eye. Text: Cinematography in 1902 was nowhere near advanced enough to fake a moon landing so we have to accept Georges Méliès' <<Le voyage dans la lune>> as a record of the first successful French moon shot. It's a shame that they lost their moon base to the NAZIs in 1940 & never got it back.
Julia sitting on a WC looks down on a caricature of Winston Peters. Text: Winston's the laxative of NZ politics. If he's the answer, you really can't give a shit.
Julia is wearing sunglasses reflecting fire. A diagonal line crosses each lens. Text: You can always spot Aucklanders ... Windscreen wipers on our sunglasses.
Julia unhappily looks down on herself sitting on the floor in a corner looking miserable. Text: Political correctness has not gone mad, it's just on antidepressants.