Kludge's Art

@kludges.art

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Theatre technician, backstage near you. Intermittent furry artist. [ Profile art by Ectogeist and Pupydogeyes ] Not online much but still reachable daily. Taken (for granted) 🖤

I’ve had a problem that only gets worse the older I get: I look too young. And getting braces this summer is only going to exacerbate that. I’ve wondered if I should just move to the Philippines because maybe I would look normal there, but even my landlord’s Filipina aunt saw me a few months ago and told me that she thought I was a teenager. The grass is always greener on the other side, and whenever people learn my age the response has always been like “Wow, you look so young! I’m jealous!” I understand where they’re coming from, but I know they will never understand the lifelong struggle. They don’t know that people don’t take me seriously because I look like this. No one would want to listen to someone who looks like a kid, so I can’t work a job that requires me to have any kind of authority in the slightest, like any customer service job ever. I despise wearing formal clothes because, since I’m abnormally short, the result is the same as putting a baby in a suit and tie: Adorable like a kid playing dressup. I wouldn’t dare to step into a bar or club or 18+ space wherever because I know I won’t be welcome there. Aside from my multiple fears regarding alcohol, I can’t imagine not being met with laughs and looks of disgust. “Oh, so they let little kids in here now?” is what they’ll think, or maybe even say out loud. I was crying at a bathroom sink last year after watching a really good play when someone walking in snarkily said “Huh, I thought this was the men’s room” when passing by. I wish I could have lunged at him or looked at him or said anything at all, yelling some kind of eccentric monologue about how impactful that play was and that crying is an important part of life and that he should grow the fuck up and learn that emotions makes us human or whatever. My only defense is silence as to not make situations worse as I’ve never been trained to defend myself, so I just ignored him and left as soon as I finished washing my dumb face.
Faith SAT, Woman ASS
Cutting the plug end off of a lamp while other disembodied plugs lay strewn about
I suppose a decision I could pinpoint was how I wanted to try applying to jobs again. But I knew I had no solid experience, so I figured I should seek out anything I could possibly put on a resume. I did some volunteering for a bit. Eventually, and on a whim, I joined theatre production, thinking I would just do it for a semester and move on to something else. But I fell in love with it, and I’m starting to experience the world because of it. Actually interacting with people, getting a job for the first time (and a fun one at that), even contributing to a furry convention after thinking I’d never enjoy being in such a space before. I’ve barely scratched the surface and haven’t really figured things out myself, and things are admittedly still rough in many ways. But for once, I actually feel like I might survive if I keep at it. I know how grating it is to be going through something for so long, and someone gives you a simple-sounding answer (because it’s certainly not simple), but if there’s any words I can offer is to keep trying things. Even if something seems trivial. At the least, it’s something new and possibly a fun activity. At the most, it changes everything for the better. I hope things turn up for you soon.