Alexis (Taylor’s version)

@lexistwit.bsky.social

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Twimmigrant. Still figuring this out. Lone survivor of @mockeree.bsky.social. linktr.ee/lexistwit

An even scrappier post-it/biro drawing of a cat, prone on the arm of a chair, eyes heavy, visible arm and leg dangling limply down the side of the chair.
A scrappy biro drawing on a small post-it note, depicting a cat sitting on its bottom, its whiskers ragged, eyelids heavy, a smoking cigarette hanging from its mouth and an open beer can in one paw. Don’t look too closely at its feet. They’re definitely not right. Have I done this one before?
A detailed but scrappy biro doodle on a small post-it note of a snail wearing a tiny top hat, its eyestalks poking out of two holes in the top of the hat. It’s not very good but you should’ve seen the first two attempts.
Wolf Alice homecoming show at Finsbury Park. The stage, before the show. I’m about three rows of fortunately quite short people from the front. My feet have only got to last another seven hours.
A tweet by DC Film News saying “'MAN OF TOMORROW' and 'THE BATMAN: PART Il' are both officially in production. For the first time ever, Batman and Superman each headline their own movie in the same year,” accompanied by a bts photo from ‘Man of Tomorrow’. It’s a screenshot of a Google front page of a tweet. Even my degree of self-loathing doesn’t quite extend to looking at DC stuff on X.
Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz reciting poetry (tv version, obvs)
Doctor title sequence from the Peter Davison era, with the episode title ‘The Garb of an Edwardian Cricketer’ - made using Andrew Blair’s generator from the quoted bleet
Elderly Time Lord refuses to pay porn bill: a publicity still of Jon Pertwee, wide-eyed and hands aloft, in a flowing velvet cape, but now holding up a Virgin Media bill while a glassy-eyed Ron Hayward peers over his shoulder with the air of a man whose little white lie has escalated terribly out of control
A photo of three small potatoes with googly eyes on a kitchen counter. The middle one (not me) has facial hair hastily scribbled on with a marker pen. Don’t be fooled by their wide-eyed innocence. They all want your money and they’re prepared to do anything* to get it. *make a trivial and temporary alteration to their appearance
A screenshot from the JustGivjng page set up by my brother Christian
Original Star Trek title card, made using Josh Mayfield’s Star Trek title card generator (link in quoted post), with the title and writer superimposed over the approaching starship Enterprise. Inevitably, it is “Ed Balls” written by Ed Balls. I’m sorry.
Ed Balls
The ‘Alien’ poster but it’s ‘Albumen’, the egg is a Cadbury’s creme egg with the top cracked open and the goo spilling out, the weird organic grid thing on the bottom is now a moodily lit empty big egg tray, and the tagline is - obviously - “in space no one can hear you creme”.
A painting of Jesus being crucified, close in on his anguished expression, but it’s a tweet by Kay of Burley dated 7 April 30 AD with the text “Sadness in his eyes”
A plastic laundry bin filled with microfibre mop pads in several bright colours - blue, green, yellow etc.
“No. I am your father.”
My tiny kitchen in the aftermath of a culinary apocalypse.
A Tupperware* box containing four pancakes of dubious quality, lidded and ready for me to take to work tomorrow. Out of focus in the background are two of the two halves of a lemon and a pot of black peppercorns, both of which were used in tonight’s atrocity. *actually the box either came from Poundland or wrapped around a Chinese takeaway
You can just imagine this one. No, worse than that.
It is as described. The feta is in cubes, scattered over the surface of the benighted pancake, amongst a forest of whole spinach leaves.
This one is severely burned on one side, like Harvey Dent.
The previous scrambled egg and spinach pancake, now rolled up on a plate. It was about the fifth one made and the first I could actually roll up.
It’s true
A pancake in the heart-shaped pan, this time mostly intact even after flipping
On a plate, the remains of another pancake, now in about four ruined pieces, swimming in lemon juice and chaotically strewn with far too much sugar (and presumably also some cinnamon although I can’t tell them apart)
The same pancake after flipping, now a twisted flannel after mopping up cat pee.
A pancake cooking in a heart-shaped frying pan. It’s a bit oily but mostly intact, which is a better start than expected.
A health and safety at work sign, depicting a simplified human figure bending over and grasping a box with one hand while the other grabs its hindquarters, from which are radiating jagged lightning bolts of pain. The useful advice below it about lifting heavy weights has been hilariously photoshopped to say “Ooh, me piles.” I think I’ve done this before, y’know.
A biro-on-post-it drawing of an old-fashioned steamroller, its driver hidden in shadow beneath the canopy, its smokestack puffing out little clouds in the shape of the word TUESDAY. A red streak wrapped around the front roller runs under the vehicle and trails back behind it to a splattered, flattened human form.
Fatboy Crim: the large boy from the Fatboy Slim album cover, now with the stroke-ish lopsided face of Donald Trump under the sunglasses, and his t-shirt now says “I’m #47 so why try harder”. There’s a modified Fatboy Crim logo underneath and the punningly amended album title ‘You’ve Crime A Long War, Manbaby’, which I appreciate does not add up to a coherent sentence, but who cares? Look, it’s all in service of that Fatboy Crim pun, which is why I’ve now mentioned it three times. Fatboy Crim. (Four.)
iPad notification displaying a Google news alert: “Museum steps in as Wallace and Gromit mania grips Preston”
A cosy festive indoor scene, dimly lit to accentuate the fairy lights and facing into a corner so you can’t see the state of the room. Out of focus in the background is a blur of garlands, presents and fairy lights on what you probably can’t tell is a glass coffee table. Filling the right-hand side is a close-up of a portion of an artificial Christmas tree adorned with several gold and red baubles. Dominating the rest of the frame is Catface, standing on the table to reach the tree and chomping down on a mouthful of pine needles at the end of one of its branches. He is a slightly tubby black and white tuxie. And a cat. The name is silly but accurate.
A screenshot of Trump’s “Truth” Social post about the deaths of Rob and Michele Reiner, which I’m not going to transcribe because it’s disgusting shit. In fact I’ve blurred out all of it except the names. Suffice it to say he’s made it all about himself while disparaging the deceased. You could pull a random bin bag out of any landfill site and it would’ve made a more decent and dignified president than this bellicose tyrant.
A sketchy doodle, in black biro on a yellow post-it note, of a cat facing away from us to scratch the word TUESDAY into the side of a two-seater sofa. The word is broken over two lines, TUES and DAY, to fit, and the letters are formed from three or four close tagged lines to indicate claw marks. The cat is reaching up to put the finishing touches on the letter T (yes, he’s written it backwards (and yes, he is a he, because in my mind he’s my actual cat (although he doesn’t really look like it (and I really hope he hasn’t been doing that while I’ve been here at work (although if he has, I’m pleased with the improvement in his spelling))))).
A yellow post-it note with the new word of God written on it with a Sharpie in my best handwriting. “This Post-It® note is the inerrant word of God and supersedes all previous inerrant words of God. Signed, God” [with a little ❤️ under it]. The small print, written with the fine point at the opposite end of the Sharpie (it was one of those ones), says “All words of God inerrant at time of going to press. Your soul may go down as well as up. There is no such thing as sin. Stay out of each others’ sex lines unless invited. Be excellent to each other. The Earth is (nearly) spherical. Terms and commandments apply.” Despite the trademark symbol, it’s not really a Post-It® note (although it is really a Sharpie). That’s probably a test of faith.
Sheep’s head pumpkin, with T. ocellus pumpkinlet embedded in an eye socket and candle wax dripping down it in what I can now see is not quite the right direction, sitting on my kitchen worktop this morning surrounded by various bits of toolage used in its creation
I carved a biggish pumpkin to look like a sheep’s head, and a little white one into a big eyeball monster which is inserted into the sheep’s left eye socket, dripping wax down its face. Then I’ve taken a few moody video shots of it and edited them into a title sequence for ‘Alien: Earth’, complete with the logo appearing bit by bit almost like it does in the show, except for an annoying alignment issue. It’s not quite right but it kinda works. I need a steadicam for my phone though.
The gruesomely melting face of Kane, the villain from Doctor Who episode ‘Dragonfire’. If it works.
The Predator epic handshake meme with the two hands labelled “I couldn’t read my speech” and “They couldn’t hear my speech” and the handshake captioned “Everyone loved my speech”
A safety sign about lifting, displayed on a wall at my place of work, with the text changed by me from whatever it originally was to “Ooh, me piles” because the figure struggling with the heavy box appears to have lightning bolts of pain emanating from his arse
A tanker lorry with the words “oil monster” written across the front
BBC News alert on an iPhone home screen, saying “The Duchess of Kent, who loved music and tennis, has died at 92”
I put my head down on a pad of lined A3 paper, with my left hand next to it, and drew round it with a biro in my right hand. I’ve then gone over it with a Sharpie for clarity. The result is a slightly wiggly outline of what looks like a falconry glove and a misshapen potato with a single giant ear. M’colleague Chantal says I look like the BFG.
Legendary Vulcan spock group, Sparks.
Leslie Nielsen in Airplane: “Good luck. We’re all counting on you.” Yes I knowingly chose one that omitted “I want to tell you both”, but no it’s not deliberately a still. Mobile signal too shite to download a gif, apparently.
The US version of ‘The Apprentice’, featuring a grinning orange man baby flanked by two gormless nepo babies
Ronnie Barker looking down on Ronnie Corbett in the class sketch from the Frost Report. Look, I’ve got nothing against Bognor and have had some good nights out there, and even brought a bit of it home embedded in my skull once. But I don’t know my place.
Scooby-Doo jumping up into Shaggy’s arms, both of them with surprised expressions
Philip Etemesi, writer of this article ‘10 Classic Movies That Are Absolutely Unwatchable Today’, was previously a senior writer at ScreenRant.
Poster for ‘I Know What You Did Last of the Summer Wine’, featuring Nora Batty in the original Jennifer Love Hewitt role plus Foggy, Compo and Clegg in the places of whoever else there was on the original 1997 film poster. A speeding bathtub is a threatening red-tinted spectre in the bottom right corner.
A poster for ‘Grudge Gregg’, with the judge’s helmet occupied by the lopsided grin of Gregg Wallace, also brandishing a lawmixer. A slogan claims “justice doesn’t get any tougher than this”.
Catface giving me side-eye from his latest cardboard box
A recycled four-year-old photo of a doodle I did on a post-it note featuring a scratchy black biro silhouette of a caped, flying human figure in the clouds, one arm outstretched, below the word ‘Saturday’ in an approximation of the classic Superman logo. It’s not very good but it’s kinda topical and I’ve just rediscovered it.
“Face-folded” Mick Hucknell semi-naked on a beach, with his armless and headless torso now adorned with his ghastly orange hair and his pink belly a besunglassed, blobfish-like face. Hey! I should’ve posted a blobfish face. That probably would’ve been a better joke.
Behold: Spinal Tapestry. In a scene from the Bayeux tapestry, one man demonstrates a contraption labelled ‘Marshalle’ to another, telling him “Verily, it goeth even unto XI”. Various marginalia depict a gauntlet being sniffed, a drum in flames and miniature hengey standing stones that don’t look like anything like Weetabix, you take that back.
A real, unaltered photo of an Argos “seize the sale” poster outside Sainsbury’s, featuring a photo of a slightly creepy-looking doll with her arms raised. Underneath it, in the foreground and slightly out of focus, in my outstretched hand is one of those Coke cans with random people’s names on them. This one says “Megan”.
A blue on white health and safety sign at my place at work, showing a human figure improbably lifting a large box with one hand while the other hand is clasping what I assume is supposed to be its lower back but looks more like its bottom, from which lightning bolts are emerging to indicate pain. The text underneath originally said “Lift correctly” but have been fairly convincingly if puerilely replaced with “Ooh, me piles”.
A photo of a TV screen showing a shot from Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning (part one), with Tom Cruise on a horse in the desert, with the subtitles “come on [horse nickers]”
A faked Facebook timeline from an image challenge in 2015 (eek). Starts with Bruce Banner’s calm Mark Ruffalo profile pic and the status “Bruce Banner was feeling angry”. Your reaction was “You won’t like this”. A second post is “Bruce Banner changed his profile picture” and indeed the profile picture is now green and angry and hulky. Available reactions are “Smash” and “Smash”. There’s one comment in reply, from Black Widow: “u ok hun? xxx”. One final post has Bruce changing his profile picture again, to a different calm Ruffalo, which 4 avengers have liked. He’s posted two replies himself: “omg totally smashed it last night lol must of bin a sick one pms cant renember nuthin and place is all fukd up rofl” and finally “anyone seen my clothes?”. I think I was quite pleased with it at the time.