M

@lll74.bsky.social

20 Followers 37 Following

At a point in my life I thought I was comfortable in my gender and sexuality I was forced into chemically and medically induced nightmare that has shifted every last perception of self and left me deeply confused about everything. My life’s gone from child abuse, to years of intense hypersexuality, to 5 years of adderall that made orgasms last 20 minutes, to 5 years of nothing but chronic pain veins failure related to EDS and a blot clot , 2 years of maximum of max dose testosterone (because I couldn’t take adderall), to suddenly having stage 3 prostate cancer with no chance of saving any nerves and having to be chemically castrated with lupron to keep my T levels at absolute zero. Oh then I lost my insurance. I’ve been sling shot across this extreme spectrum. But really that’s not really what’s freaked me out so much as realizing the extreme affects hormones have on how you think, your self image. It’s exposed abusive people close to me. It’s made me totally rethink everything I’ve been programmed since birth and completely re-examine things like desire and what’s driven my entire existence. I wish I had people to communicate with about these things but it’s all so specific and trauma related. I’ve always felt alienated but I could act the roles and wear the masks and make people happy. Then I realized I’ve always been an extreme pleaser, and I’m not even sure I was ever anything for myself. I feel like I’m too late. Docs say sex is possible, but nothing comes out. ED is nearly guaranteed so I would have to rely on a pill. And I wouldn’t get much out of it. This is with a partner that’s interested in being supportive during recovery. I have a partner who has scleroderma and lupus and has not always been supportive in my sexual health. I was always a super awkward boy, AuDHD since an early age. Had to go to speech therapy, was always dirt poor and bullied. Huh found a place to ramble I guess…
5’11 and 140 today. If I grow my beard out some my face doesn’t look as sunk. I can’t eat. Typical diet lately is 2 black bean burritos a day. I just can’t stomach food. I just want this all over with.