Joe Kaplan

@netpunner.bsky.social

149 Followers 117 Following

Pronouns: They/Them A nonbinary geek, a parent to two wonderful kiddos, a technology professional, and probably some more stuff.

My friend was bragging that her dog could retrieve a ball from over a mile away. Seems a little far-fetched to me.
Canadian bees are closely connected to the flowers. USBs connect to computers.
A man just hit me with milk, butter, and cheese. How dairy!
Where do hackers go when they die? Encrypts
Person 1: I have a pen that can write underwater. Person 2: Wow, really? Person 1: Yeah. It writes other words too, though.
Do not spell the word 'part' backwards. It's a trap!
For a while, Houdini used trap doors in every act. It was a stage he was going through.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c? Because, you can't c in the dark!
Knowing the measurement from the tip of your pinky to the tip of your thumb is pretty handy.
The past, present, and future all walked into a bar. Things were tense.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.
It's important to keep some candy in your pockets at all times... ...it could be a lifesaver.
I never could get my guitar to gently weep, but I did get it to fret.
Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus? Nobody.
Where did Luke Skywalker get his cybernetic hand? The second hand store.
How does Wicket get around Endor? Ewoks!
What do you call a plant that sneaks up on its prey? An ambush!
They tried making a movie about constipation, but it never came out.
Two parrots land on a perch. One bird says to the other, "Wow does it smell like fish here!"
How do Tuskens cheat on their taxes? They always single file, to hide their numbers.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
An acorn is, in a nutshell, an oak tree.
The company that makes yard sticks won't be making them any longer.
There once was a singer of old. Who then broke away from the fold. He won't give you up. He won't let you down. In a word you have been Limerick-rolled.
Prometheus had the first hot take.
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
I don't know why some people make a big deal about planting a garden... ...it's sow easy!
Who is the patron saint of adding people into emails? Saint Francis of a CC.
I was diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. It's called FeeFiPhobia.
Why are monks so good at protesting? The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
I'm always so surprised by the winds in the spring... ... they really blow me away!
Without music, life would (be flat written in musical notation).
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle... ...it really was a vile inn.
Do you know how the Roman Empire was cut in half? With a pair of Caesars!
Contractions function almost identically to the full two word phrase, but are only appropriate in some places in a sentence. It's one of the weird quirks of this language we've.
What does Thor wear under his trousers? Thunder-wear
I wanted to be a monk, but I never got the chants.
√-1 2³ Σ π ...and it was delicious. ----- The square root of -1, 2 cubed, the symbol for sum, pi ...and it was delicious.
I got a job at a bakery. I really kneaded the dough.
When you're trying to be cheesy, but everyone around you is laughtose intolerant.
How did the pickle enjoy its day off? It relished it!
Why was there an H&R Block in the ocean? For tax porpoises.
What is the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop." Goes the weasel.
I heard Sting was kidnapped. The Police have no lead.
When one dog is walking another, is it considered subleashing?
Scientists have grown human vocal folds in a petri dish. The results speak for themselves.
Why did the apple cross the road? To reach the other cider.
Why did the pediatrician keep losing his temper? Because he had such little patients.
How do you tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is? You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What did the fish day when it hit the wall? Dam!
A man in Paris tripped. As he fell, he exclaimed: "Oh no! Eifel!"
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
What is a tree's favorite dating app? Timber.
I'm ok with input charts, but graphs? That's where I draw the line!
Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump!
E minor is spooky. It gives me the EBGBs.
I would love to get paid to sleep! That would be a dream job!