Noah Brand

@noahbrand.bsky.social

523 Followers 175 Following

Pronouns: male. Persona: genially pedantic. Misses: the internet circa 2005.

A page from a 19th-century children's book, describing "all animals of the cat kind" as "naturally sullen, cruel, and treacherous", and generally insulting the furry little bastards.
A photo of a gravestone. The family name is Miller, and the dates given tell a story of two parents who outlived their seven children, all of whom died young. Six of them died in 1907.
Vincente Montella, with a haircut that screams Evil College Professor of the Year 1995.
Five small magazine ads from 1933. LADIES! Delays and Irregularities (abortifacients), HELP WEAK GLANDS (boner drugs), LONESOME? (personal ad magazine), FOR MEN ONLY Brand New (smut), and CONFESSIONS OF A "PANSY" (gay smut)
A full-page ad for "feminine hygiene", mostly euphemistically-phrased birth control devices and pills, all of them of dubious value.
Batman clings to the wall of a building, one foot braced on a windowsill, holding the bars of the window with one hand. In the background, a smoky, red-lit cityscape looms. Batman is saying "Gentlemen." and a voice from inside the window cries "Oh, thank god! Please help--" The whole thing is drawn by Matt Wagner and looks awesome as hell.
A Simpsons screencap in which Disco Stu says "If these trends continue... aay!"
A 1964 photo of James Brock pouring hydrochloric acid into the swimming pool of a motel he owns, because he'd rather destroy the pool than have Black people in it.
A bookshelf containing the complete archive edition of THE SPIRIT by Will Eisner
Tim Drake smiling and thinking "Man, Dick IS good!"
A book from 1994 entitled EROTIC CONNECTIONS: LOVE AND LUST ON THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. Its cover shows a man and a woman in sensual embrace, but their bodies are broken like hollow mannequins. Their absent heads and hands are replaced by glowing outlines. The cover also promises "Covers over 500 adult BBSes" and "Includes 1 FREE MONTH of Odyssey Online". The author is credited either as "The Waite Group" or "Billy Wildhack", neither of which is a real person's name.
A cartoon in which Homer reacts as badly as possible to being called a fake Trojan War fan, and responds to a "Name every ship" challenge by actually doing that.
Al Capone doing the Charleston on top of a flagpole, labeled "Dramatization"
A tuxedo cat with long white whiskers, looking concerned.
Clouds of tear gas billow in front of the Portland, OR ICE building, as protestors stand defiant in the foreground.
Two of Marlene Dietrich's costumes, a military uniform and a formal outfit, on display in a museum. They are displayed on custom mannequins designed to resemble Ms. Dietrich.
A goofy middle-aged white guy in a vintage WWI army helmet, carrying a well-worn steel Captain America shield.
A clickbait link to a CBS news article headlined "Venezuela strikes continue long history of U.S. military interventions in Latin America"
A British seaside postcard depicting a scantily-clad woman talking to a disheveled, much-kissed milkman. In the background, a man in a suit is approaching. "Blimey--here's my husband. Can you come back tonight?" "What, in my own ruddy time--are you kidding, missus!"
A manga page showing a couple of cute kids and a cute little demon. At the top it says "Chapter 1: The Mischievous Demon Appears" with a caption saying "A scary demon has come from hell...?"
A bonus panel from Saturday Morning Breakfast cereal, dated February 2012, in which the author of the comic threatens that his midlife crisis will involve kids' books. The author in question has, 10+ years later, taken to publishing kids' books, thus creating the opposite of humorous irony.
An image of text in which a MAGA man repeatedly gets himself confused with Donald Trump. The payoff is at the end: "It became clear to me that he truly loved Trump not just because he identified with Trump the politician but because he identified with Trump the person being considered 'bad' by progressive standards."
Two panels from an old Legion of Super-Heroes comic, in which girls don't want to date Beast Boy because he might turn into a monster.
An image of a white pumpkin inside an orange pumpkin. The white pumpkin has been painted to resemble a human eyeball, and the orange pumpkin has been cut out to resemble an open eye. It looks like the pumpkin has opened its eye and is staring at you.
A screenshot showing that the guy I was replying to blocked me for giving specific examples of something he said didn't exist.
A black T-shirt with a 2001-era Photoshop of George W. Bush's head on John Rambo's body, over images of an American flag, an attack helicopter, and horse-mounted cavalry for some reason. Osama Bin Laden can be seen saying "Holy shit!" down in one corner. The shirt's main text reads "RAMBUSH - I AM YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE BIN LADEN"
An image of the "Elf on a Shelf" elf, looking severely beaten. The caption around him reads SNITCHES GET STITCHES.
A high-content wolfdog hybrid looking vaguely embarrassed on a sunny day.
A letters page in which the editor acknowledges the awkwardness of the dialogue replacements, and proposes taking it further, with redrawn Ditko panels wherein Aunt May is in a jogging outfit and all the kids at school are in badly-imagined "punk" outfits.
Spidey reflects that he's less popular than Khrushchev, as the Sandman attempts to murder him.
Liz Allan invites Peter Parker to a Peter Sellers movie at the drive-in.
Spidey tells the Ringmaster that he's so corny he makes Thor sound like a teen-age swinger.
A sleazy producer says he'll get Doris Day to sing the title song for a movie about the Hulk.
Peter Parker says Flash Thompson has as much chance with Liz Allan as Khrushchev has with J. Edgar Hoover.
A sleazy producer proposes casting Tony Curtis or a member of the Beatles as Spider-Man in a movie.
Aunt May expresses concern about missing her favorite show, THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.
Spidey flees Kraven the Hunter, joking that Kraven probably still wears a Vote-For-Dewey button.
A four-panel comic strip from basicinstructions.net, explaining how to pronounce Oregon correctly. The mnemonic given is "I'll defend myself with a knife OR A GUN."
The city-street map from the 1984 Activision GHOSTBUSTERS game for the Apple IIe.
A coyote curled up on a Trimet Max train, with the exact same "please please please do not start a conversation with me" expression as every other commuter.
From WATCHMEN #8 (1986), a mockup of the front page of the fictional right-wing magazine NEW FRONTIERSMAN. It shows masked superheroes under the headline HONOR IS LIKE THE HAWK: SOMETIMES IT MUST GO HOODED.
Two panels from Batman/Captain America, by John Byrne, 1996. The Joker, on meeting the Red Skull, is appalled to discover that the Skull is a for-realsies Nazi. The Joker expresses revulsion at the fascist, sneering "I may be a criminal lunatic, but I'm an American criminal lunatic!"
Jet Li and Yasuaki Kurata in FIST OF LEGEND, preparing to fight one-on-one.
Forrest Whittaker cannot fire the rifle he's holding, because a small bird has perched on the barrel and he's unwilling to disturb it.
A still from the movie PATTON showing George C. Scott, as Gen. Patton, slapping a traumatized soldier. The caption describes this as "therapy" and recommends it for young people to prevent them "becoming snowflakes".
A five-panel comic strip that I won't transcribe here, but it's about how we used to have ignorance because we didn't have enough information, and now we have worse ignorance because we have too much information.
The character of Rolf from THE SOUND OF MUSIC, in his goddamned Hitler Youth uniform.
Anakin and Shmi Skywalker from STAR WARS EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM MENACE
Is this loss.jpg?
Five panels of comics, in which Rick Jones notes that between himself, Dr. Strange, and Wong, everyone present has returned from the dead, so it can't be that difficult.
Literally just an image of a text post. Ryan Boyd posts on Twitter in 2022: "my life improved dramatically once i accepted that i have no singular all-consuming calling and instead just want to do a variety of stuff i kinda like until i eventually die" Retyping that without fixing the punctuation and capitalization was painful for me.
A pair of panels from a 1960s issue of LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES in which Beast Boy is ostracized because of his super-powers. The second panel in particular shows a number of cute young ladies avoiding him, complaining "Imagine dating a boy who could suddenly turn himself into a MONSTER!"
A panel from early 20th-century comic strip "The Outbursts of Everett True". Everett, a heavyset bald-headed man in a bowler hat, is smashing some other guy's head into a wall. Everett says "I'm tired of hearing you run this town down!!"
Barbara Capell circa 1970, a pretty young white woman with dark hair and big blue eyes.
A flyer for a 50501 protest on April 5th 2025, at the Japanese American Historical Plaza in Tom McCall Waterfront Park, Portland, Oregon. Rally 12PM-4PM, accessible march starts at 1PM. #50501Portland, and its events, are non-violent, family friendly, and inclusive.
From THE ONION: OUR DUMB CENTURY, an article with the headline "Japan Forms Alliance with White Supremacists in Well-Thought-Out Scheme".
A friendly-looking bald white man wearing a full-face-coverage gas mask.
Incoming "border czar" Tom Homan said large-scale raids as part of President-elect Trump's crackdown on illegal immigration are set to begin as soon as Tuesday. In an interview with Fox News on Friday night, Homan did not offer further details, but he did confirm that Chicago will be one of the cities targeted.