♠

@perthwise.bsky.social

2763 Followers 500 Following

late 20's | she/they/it | tensioned like a car spring | 🔞 | my cool bubby: toolow.bsky.social 🤍 fa: https://www.furaffinity.net/user/perthwise

r: i wont hate you. ill never hate you.

p: i know you wont!!! Its- – h. Its not fucking fair!! Its supposed to be easy for me to figure these things out but every time i try i end up more confused than when i started!!!!!! i am so tired!! im tried so hard just to get to the point ive finally gotten to!!! its everything i have just to make the courage to dress the way i do!! to talk the way i do!!

i pushed myself away from these decisions and these choices so long it scares me half to death just to make them!! and it makes me feel pathetic!!!!

im out of gas, my brakes are cut!! I finally finished everything i set out to do and suddenly im realizing ive got more ahead of me and its opening out in front of me like a chasm!!

I– *shaky, deep inhale* …

r: i dont know! but its a fucking start!! all you have told me is how much you hate your body and hate your past and hate your brain! im just starting in the one place i can help!!

i cant make the decisions for you! i cant untangle your thoughts for you! i cant make you set aside every single one of your misgivings and reservations about sex so that you can finally enjoy it!!!!

p: ….

r: in fact! it kind of sucks to hear that i cant make you comfortable enough to let that guard down! that despite my best efforts to make you feel safe, cater to your wants and needs, appeal to your kinks. none of that is enough to help you trust me enough to even get you off!!!!!

youve never let me do that!!! i cant and wont force myself on you when you tell me you will be fine getting off on your own later, or that just being here getting teased into next week is fun enough!!! thats not a barrier im going to cross!!!

p: you want to know how to make me feel wanted and appreciated so bad??? then how about you make sure every little tiny scenario where i feel like a stranger in my own body and curse myself for every tiny little thing i do that makes me feel like less of a woman. doesnt. fucking. happen. go back in time and tell my kid self that ignoring the feelings i had back then was dooming myself to decades of sexual dissociation and dysmorphia!!

r: ….

p: i held those feelings for so long!!! so long!!!!! i dont know how to let them go!!! i dont even know if i can!!! even if you can come up with some sweet words that account for every last one of my mental misgivings and internal barriers, i cant get off because even touching my junk is a reminder that the equipment i have is a dysfunctional piece of garbage!!!!

r: so what happened?

p: nothing earth shattering. bad, confused teenage sex. but i still think about it.

p: i think about nervously walking up to her house and not really knowing what to do or even really what she wanted. she showed me her albums and her piano and her bedroom, and she also talked to me about her favorite posts on social media, that id never even heard of before because i was usually busy dissociating from my body and trying to see if i could get my leg behind my head rather than spending an unreasonable amount of time on a computer. but thats beside the point. she, in retrospect, was begging me to make a move i didnt even know i was supposed to. she eventually relented and got blunt with me. so… i obliged.

p: i didnt like it much. in fact it was so wholly u satisfying and uncomfortable that i decided shortly afterwards that i was homosexual.

r: hahahhahaha. you didnt even try again?

p: no… maybe, im not sure. i did see her again though. before she moved far away somewhere… i liked her a lot. she was a troubled person, like me. she wore it on her skin though. in a beautiful way. i hope she is still around, somewhere…. i…. dont even remember her name.

r: you know, if you just sit there and keep getting frustrated, youre not going to get anywhere with this

p: that's not nearly as easy as you make it out to be.

r: well… i can’t magically make you pour out your feelings about all of this. well… i could but that's not the point. if youre just going to be cagey about all of this–

p: no, listen, i– ugh… it's not that i dont want to talk about these things. i do! frequently! but being frustrated and confused and upset about this stuff… that's my normal, that's my baseline.

r: that seems a bit counterproductive.

p: *irritated* yes, it is. ive noticed.

r: well you're gonna have to help me out here no matter what, unless you want to just drop this and do something else. im not interested in anything else with you if “prickly and upset” is your idea of aftercare.

Thousand Waves of Grass, an iterator, is holding an incubation tube with a fetal organism inside. They are thinking about the fate of Sliver of Straw and seem to have an idea about it related to the organism.

Thousand Waves and another iterator, Chorus of Whispers chat about their occupants fondly. Waves has been raising their slugcat while Chorus seems to be attempting to heal his.

Waves says goodbye to Curling Frond. Equipped with the power to see and touch through time, she travels to Sliver of Straw's final resting place, where an absurdly large tree has grown.