Paul F. Tompkins

@pftompkins.bsky.social

167985 Followers 980 Following

TV & standup & improv & podcasts, hardly any movies paulftompkins.com/live

A 2023 Twitter tweet from Twitter by Ben Rosen on Twitter: moderator: governor desantis, what do you have for girl dinner desantis: that's just- to think i would eat a- i'm not even going to answer such a wildly inappropriate question moderator: vice president pence, same question pence (too close to mic): saltines and butter @benrosen.bsky.social
Harrison Ford
It’s this box of chocolate chunk cookies for sale at the jersey mikes counter and for some reason there’s a sticker on the box reading NOW HIRING
It’s ya boi (me) facing a mirror and singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” and then just as I get to the title lyric the camera pans down to a laptop displaying a full screen title card for a tv show called “Titanic Sinks Tonight” IT’S CALLED COMEDY, HONEY
A restaurant sign for a burger joint called Rademak’s. The sign features a disturbing oval-headed thing eating a gigantic hamburger. The restaurant’s slogan is THE HAMBURGER THAT MADE NEW BUFFALO MICHIGAN FAMOUS and the world HAMBURGER is ominously in quotes
It’s me & it’s Scott Aukerman and we are telling you about these shows
Three men old enough to have seen the Dread Zeppelin documentary address the camera
From the article: “As someone who lives near a Best Buy, I'm at Best Buy often," Newsom told reporters during a news conference. "And I'm paying sales tax on a lot of this prewritten software. And then I find out that all my friends that aren't near a Best Buy, they're downloading and they are not paying sales tax. How is that fair?"
TOMPKINS
A man wearing a gorilla costume with a Suns Jersey
Crunch, the anthropomorphic wolf mascot of the Minnesota Timberwolves. He’s a wolf. Im not a basketball guy or David Attenborough so no idea how the name “Crunch” ties things together here
Screenshot of an information box about the population of California indicating that the population is about 39 million people which makes $20 million statewide on diapers for babies seem like maybe not that big a crisis
Photo of an airplane in-seat screen showing the Riddler at a diner counter and the display at the bottom shows a heartbreaking amount of time left in the film
Trailer for the upcoming season of CRIMINAL MINDS: EVOLUTION
A promotional poster for the film House of Gucci, the film that featured American actors doing sub-Mario level Italian accents while speaking English and the occasional actual Italian word for some reason? The cast faces the camera like they are people confident that they are definitely Italian
Issa he, Jar-Jar
Screenshot of this replier’s bio which just says “To be clear, I am always soliciting respectful advice”
A dumbass cartoon mascot for the coal industry. His name is Coalie. He’s wearing a mining helmet which means he is a traitor to his own species
Thumbnail for a tv show called DEAR KILLER NANNIES
The guy from the famous Onion story "Heartbreaking: The Worst Person You Know Just Made a Great Point"
Pic of my TV displaying a scene from The Dead where Colm Meaney in a tuxedo is shaking hands with some old-fashioned lady
A disappointing email from GoDaddy.com: Price Quote for vampire.net Hi Paul, I wanted to follow up and share the details on vampire.net. The current list price is $29,000. Click here to buy now via secure checkout on GoDaddy. If you'd like to review any details, reply here or call me directly using the phone number below. I'm here to help. Best, Hannah Irrera Sales Development Rep
Screenshot of a DM from @ugarles. The phone number at the end is highlighted i went to the website and ... their office are on Sunset Vampire Corporation: 8730 W. Sunset Blvd., Ste. 250, W. Hollywood, CA 90069 (310) VAMPIRE
Screencap of a text exchange Me: I cannot tell you how tickled I was Guy at the register could not have cared less My friend: you will never believe what the domain name is for that wine
A picture of a bottle of wine sitting on a kitchen counter. The wine is called DRACULA wine and the label has a picture of fuckin Dracula doing the cape over the lower face move. The bottle of wine has a gorgeous little red satin lined Dracula cape hanging around its neck. Judge not lest ye be judged
The perfumer Alan Cumming
Oh it’s one a these shoebill storks that everyone is talking about because it’s as tall as Sabrina Carpenter. We can do better, birdwise
“A student alerted a school resource officer at Summerville High School on February 9 about a planned protest set for February 20, according to a police report obtained by Newsweek.”
Oh it’s Adrien Brody the artist on SNL
This guy in the ad for changing your address online is looking at his phone and smiling like “I can’t believe this is real”
It just goes to show you that a trip to the jewelry counter can sometimes turn into a terrifying ordeal
Artwork for the podcast featuring Alimony Tony in his signature tennis whites, standing in front of a backdrop of $100 bills
Screenshot of a blusky bio with the words “cosmic sarcasm getting me added to lists” highlighted
Wikipedia says MacArthur Park was released in April 1968
Robin Duke plays Rickie Lee Jones
Tweet from Senator Ruben Gallego: We all know who's really running things in this White House. Stephen Miller is the brains behind the most unhinged and depraved policies we've seen in generations. Americans are tired of his isane, extremist vision for this country. It's time for him to go. Trump needs to fire him. Now. No funding DHS with that creep calling the shots.
Oh it’s the famous Nick & Brad
Grace Freud and Grant Crater
Fiona Landers playing guitar and singing
Patrick hosting in front of the chili ingredients
The Devil, the last guy you wanna see!
DeadblossomJesse presenting a slide show of gorillas that have passed away
Comedian Mary Houlihan on stage, she’s wearing a nice t-shirt promoting the artist Monet
A man stands in front of a table upon which is an assortment of chili ingredients, a crock pot and a whiteboard
Promotional art for a show, see previous alt text for details
Promotional art for a show- there js a cool drawing of a ol time flying saucer with three little bald freaks in the bubble dome on top
A little mustached guy looking at the camera
Screenshot of a Twitter exchange where someone quote tweets the same interview the dork above quotes, with the Twitter user asking if AOC has changed her position on abolishing ICE and AOC responding that she has not
I don’t know, it’s a still of some goofy handsome dude in some peasant clothes and next to him I some little bald weirdo who looks like a 7 year old who was enlarged to adult proportions and then shrunk back down to 7 year old size? I’m sorry that’s the best I can do
Post from Nextdoor: “ICE ALERT! They are pulling people out of their cars at COSTCO Atwater!”
Social media post from the White House with a dark, just flat-out sinister image of RFKj with meme font saying “WE ARE ENDING THE WAR ON PROTEIN” Seriously the picture is fucked up
Text from a friend of mine: “[Other friend] was walking her dogs a block from her house in Silverlake and ice rolled up and took two gardeners They are going up in the hills and nabbing people. Warn your neighbors!”
A promotional image for the show, featuring a drawing of a good ol fashioned flying saucer
“Liberals are supposed to stand behind science, and that includes genetics. Pretending there isn't a difference between biological men and women isn't a winning political stance, it's dishonest, and prevents a real conversation from happening” Doctor Science has spoken!
THE FRONT-RUNNER Californias Gavin Newsom would rather be wrong than weak. By Helen Lewis (Header for an Atlantic article about Gavin Newsom, it features a picture of him looking like a real smart politics guy)
VARIETOPIA 1/15 7:30pm bit.ly/sfsf26vtopes SPONTOURCO 1/16 7pm bit.ly/sfsf26spontourco FAKE TED TALKS 9:45pm bit.ly/fttsfsf25 TAH 1/17 7pm bit.ly/sfsf26thrilling 380/564 WORKJUICE IMPROV 1/17 9:30pm bit.ly/sfsf26wji 137/564 THE NEIGHBORHOOD LISTEN 1/18 1pm bit.ly/sfsf26tnl
A screenshot of a cute photo of Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell having been added to my mother-in-law’s digital frame
Still from a parody news show called “No, You Shut Up!” which featured a human anchor and all Henson puppet correspondents
“Progressives have been asking this for a long time” with a gif of Homer Simpson and Bart (his son) on a couch and Homer is patting the empty seat next to him and the words WELCOME, JOIN THE CLUB are over the image and not even in the Simpsons font
Two people made the same joke about turning the idea machine off and on again, I’m just teasing them ;)