Phil Comics!

@philcomics.bsky.social

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Phil Comics by Ben and Steve! Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/philcomic/ Web: haveyourphil.com

DR. STOP Come, Phil. Who are you to hinder What’s Coming? PHIL I just don’t want my bones sliced!
DR. STOP Humanity will soon evolve beyond the need for Grocery Stores. PHIL Really?
DR. STOP I brought you here because I need a non-traditional thinker. PHIL That’s me, Dr. Stop!
DR. STOP I’ve been watching your career with great interest. PHIL But I just started last week.
DR. STOP Hello, Phil. I trust your trip was uneventful. PHIL I didn’t do anything.
PHIL Where are you taking me? DRIVER Quincy, MA - Stop & Shop Corporate HQ.
RAY Thanks for taking the time to meet me, Phil. PHIL I didn’t do anything.
COWORKER Phil, Ray wants you in his office. PHIL I didn’t do anything.
PHIL Great news! I just got the text - the restaurant is open! ANDY But the Second City Mainstage show is about to begin!
ANDY Phil, you’ve made a fool of yourself. PHIL (angry) You don’t get it, Andy-
ANDY Wow! The Field Museum was great! PHIL (unhappy) It’s just a bunch of dusty old bones.
PHIL (sad) Terrible news - the Weber Grill Restaurant is still closed for a private event! ANDY (wearing Cubs jersey) That’s okay! We can go see Sue the T-Rex!
ANDY (binoculars) A foul ball is heading our way! PHIL (grumpy) I wish a plate of Grilled Steak Skewers was heading our way…
ANDY I got something to cheer you up! PHIL (Excited face) Is the Weber Grill Restaurant open??
ANDY Wow! This is “The Bean!” PHIL (unhappy) Whatever.
PHIL The door seems to be stuck! ANDY (squinting, pointing, reading) This explains it: “Closed for Private Event.”
PHIL Welcome to the best restaurant on Earth - the Weber Grill Restaurant! ANDY Oh…ok!
ANDY Hey Phil! PHIL Hey Andy! How’s the Chicago Marriott Downtown Magnificent Mile?
PHIL (in bed with wife) I can’t wait to show Andy the sights! SHEILA Let me guess - the Weber Grill Restaurant?
ANDY This time tomorrow I’ll be in the Windy City! PHIL Don’t worry, Andy- I’ll give you a "Locals Tour.”
PHIL That was just my brother on the line! SHEILA How is Andy?
Phil is sad and says "The end..?" in front of his bird book which only has 20 birds, and the rest are ?'s
MAUREEN stands with PHIL and GRAYSON MAUREEN The votes are in and the winner is Grayson.
PHIL (sweaty) Joey! I hope I can count on your vote tomorrow. JOEY I love you Phil, but Grayson’s got the edge. He’s seen 30 birds!
PHIL Maureen, Graysons gotta go! MAUREEN What now?
Grayson - remove these posters at once! GRAYSON Starting to sweat?
PHIL is eating at Duchess. A paper airplane flies into frame. PHIL What the-?
PHIL Scared yet, Grayson? Take a look at my campaign poster.
PHIL This Grayson man is ridiculous! At least I have your vote! JOEY You might…
PHIL Maureen! Stop this SHAM of a nomination! MAUREEN Grayson filed the correct paperwork on time. He is on the ballot.
GRAYSON standing above PHIL GRAYSON Hello, Phil. Sorry to interrupt your Duchess Dinner (Duchess logo). PHIL (holding hamburger, mouth full) Mmhm?
PHIL You’re that new guy Grayson! Welcome! GRAYSON Cute club you’ve got here.
MEANWHILE! GRAYSON Hey buddy! Is this a good spot to bird? JOEY It’s the best in Stratford! I just saw a Northern Flicker!
PHIL Did Dr. Whitman balance the books with QuickBooks™? MAUREEN Yes, why?
PHIL I’m on the Birding Ballot, Joey! JOEY That’s swell, Phil! Good luck!
PHIL Maureen, put my name on the ballot for Treasurer! MAUREEN Are you sure, Phil? That’s a lot of responsibility.
JOEY Did you hear? Dr. Whitman’s moving to Monroe. PHIL (is drinking a soda, eyes go wide)
PHIL Thank you for being on the show, Bryan. Where can listeners find you? BRYAN You can find my podcast Snaq Attaq on all social media platforms. PHIL And I hear you have a new show with local comedian Sean Rose. BRYAN Yes- Sean and I are re-watching BoJack Horseman and talking about it. It’s called BoJack Attaq. PHIL Listeners, do yourself a favor and check out these two great shows. BRYAN Thank you. Thank you for having me on. I had a great time.
BRYAN Having a lobster tank in a grocery store was a hit for the whole family. PHIL (PHIL HAS FACE IN HIS HANDS IN FRUSTRATION)
Phil on a podcast saying "Trader Joe's doesn't understand what a shopper wants."
PHIL Don’t you have some lobster tank thing to talk about? BRYAN I don’t want to anymore. PHIL No, you have notes. Let’s hear it. BRYAN Why, so you can interrupt me about Trader Joe’s? PHIL I said my piece. Now you say yours. BRYAN O.K. - I miss the lobster tanks in grocery stores.
PHIL Stew Leonard’s is a family store. It’s a local store. BRYAN But-
BRYAN I’m sorry, I need to push back a little bit. PHIL Try it. BRYAN You call Trader Joe’s juvenile, but I know you shop at Stew Leonard’s. PHIL Yea. And? BRYAN Stew Leonard’s has animatronics that sing and dance while you buy your groceries. PHIL That’s different and it’s unfair to even compare them.
PHIL I get at least one email about Trader Joe’s every week. It’s getting old.
PHIL Does Trader Joe’s even have a pharmacy? BRYAN I don’t think so. PHIL I’d rather go to the grocery section of a Target instead of a Trader Joe’s. BRYAN And those aren’t good. PHIL I know, that’s why I said it. BRYAN Oh. Right.
BRYAN Having a lobster tank in seafood was like visiting the aquarium!
BRYAN I didn’t realize we were talking about Trader Joe’s, I thought you wanted to talk about something else. PHIL Like what? BRYAN I wanted to talk about lobster tanks. PHIL What about them? BRYAN Y’know. When we were kids there was always a lobster tank? Now there isn’t? PHIL Sure.
PHIL Trader Joe’s doesn’t understand what a shopper wants.
PHIL At my nephew’s christening they served what I thought were Oreos or maybe Hydrox.
PHIL Trader Joe’s has turned grocery shopping into a farce.
PHIL Part of the Shop Talk ethos is that you’re getting my expertise. BRYAN That’s right.
PHIL We recently got a five star review on Apple Podcasts. BRYAN Oh really? PHIL Listener JTBlutter writes, “Five stars! This show is great! Do Trader Joe’s next!” BRYAN That’s a nice review. PHIL I don’t think so. I think it’s coercive. BRYAN I guess so.
PHIL Welcome to Shop Talk, the podcast where we take grocery stores seriously.
The end! A large red eyed Hagar looms over a muscular Phil, with Honi grabbing his leg and Dr. Zook hanging over all of them
PHIL (beat up) It was nice to know you, Honi - but I gotta go. HONI What happened?!
HÄGAR So you’re the lout who wants to steal my Honi! PHIL And who are you, her brother? Ha ha
HELGA You must be the young man who wants to marry my Honi! PHIL I am! Who are you, her sister?
HONI O, Phil! You have pillaged my heart! PHIL That’s right, baby!
HONI I’m Honi! And who are you brave warrior? PHIL I am Phil the Pillager. Maybe you’ve heard of me pillaging.
Bartender! Another tankard of mead! PHIL Make that two. On me.