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Ladow: Sir, I’ve thought about what you said about immigrants sneaking over the border to buy all our Lorcana cards… and about the $50,000 signing bonus. Ladow: I guess I’ll join ICE. The people I shoot might be defenseless and unarmed, but it could still be good practice for the army. Judge: Haw haw! You have no idea. Judge: Welcome to our proud brotherhood. Here’s your set of disposable hunting camouflage, your dorky balaclava, and your assault rifle. Ladow: Cool! The safety’s already off!
Ladow: I don’t think I want to work for ICE. I want to fight enemy soldiers who are trying to kill people. Not nurses and ladies who are driving their kids to school. Ladow: Your thing sounds more like being an active shooter than a soldier. Judge: You don’t understand the vitality of our cause. I didn’t want to have to tell you this… Judge: Do you recall the day you went to Walmart to obtain trading cards from Disney Lorcana’s Whispers in the Well set? On release day no less? Ladow: Yeah. They were all gone. Judge: The customer who bought all those booster packs before you got even one could have been a sinister young Hmong boy. He could have been called something threatening like Blong Fang Judge: Perhaps Blong bought them with welfare money he did not deserve. And maybe he’s here because his parents snuck over the border from Laos. What do you think of that? Ladow: Could undocumented immigrants be to blame for the worst day of my life? It sounds right, and it makes a lot of sense…
Judge: Remember that if you feel threatened by an immigrant, a protester, a bystander, you have justification to shoot in self-defense Ladow: Even if they didn’t do anything? Judge: It may seem brutal but it is a mercy. If we do not kill them something even worse will happen Ladow: What will happen? Judge: A person we don’t like will continue to be alive.
The Judge shows Ladow a latino mother with a child, and a latino man smoking a cigarette. Judge: Let us see what you know. Which of these people would we deport? Ladow: Uh... probably the one who's smoking a cigarette? 'Cause that's nasty. Judge: No. The mother with child. By targeting the sympathetic and vulnerable, we prove our impartiality and thus our justice. We cannot be swayed by compassion. We enforce the law. If you’re here illegally, we will deport you. Ladow: Oh. Is she here illegally? Judge: Lol, who knows?
Judge: We can kill anyone we want Ladow: Why would we want to kill? Judge: To kill. No other prize is needed. Killing is war and war is a game in which all other games are contained. And every child knows that games are nobler than work Ladow (thinking): That sounds right… My dad would definitely agree with that. Judge: I also think being a rapist is good too
The Judge: Listen well, kid. In this country, at any given time, there will always be at least one sort of person toward whom unlimited violence is tolerated. Ladow: Bad guys? Judge: It changes with the times. Gays. Drug users. Slaves. When I was in Iraq, it was terrorists. During the Cold War it was communists. When I was in Mexico it was Apaches. It does not matter. Judge: This is our toehold. If we are permitted to savage and brutalize one sort of man, it is yours and mine to expand and manipulate the definition of that group as our whims dictate. Judge: Yuma scalps serve just as well as Apache scalps when one hunts Apaches. Mexican scalps too. Today, America dictates that illegal immigrants are our rightful prey. Very well. Judge: We can broaden that designation. Those whose path to immigration we count too generous; ethnicities we deem too prone to mischief. Even women who defend them in protest can be made to deserve our bullets. Meanwhile: Chug: Shadow, let’s make a pact to never kill any ICE agents who aren’t genuinely possessed by alien brain parasites, even if they’re assholes. Shadow: Agreed.
Rapture: All right, fellas. You want manly? You want non-gay? What’s more heterosexual than admiring and obeying a man who’s strong and can kick your ass? Tim: That is what heterosexuality is all about. Corey: That’s so straight it reminds me of seeing my wife naked. Rapture punches Tim. Rapture kicks Corey in the balls. Rapture stomps on Tim’s head. Tim: Sir, you have bested us in combat, proving that you’re the alpha. Corey: You have beaten us into becoming liberal or gay or whatever you’re trying to convince us to do.
Rapture: All right, setting aside the actual Bibles and their actual message… What is being a Christian about to you? Tim: Traditional masculinity. Definitely. Corey: Fighting against other religions, including atheism. And gayness. Rapture: Well, I think we can all agree that it’s traditionally masculine and non-gay to protect women and children, can’t we? Corey: Obviously, as long as there’s no question that we’re in charge. Tim: That’s like, basic Arthurian chivalry. Rapture: Well, imagine if two young ladies were wrongfully imprisoned in this ICE facility. Is there anything “manly” about subjugating women? Tim: Uh… is that a real question? Corey: I’m embarrassed for you, Bruce. That’s quite the softball.
Corey: Rapture, I love the Bible. You know I do, of course. Tim: We live our lives by it. Corey: But there are some passages that really make sense, and then there are other passages that… well… they’re mostly only used by liberals to dunk on us. Tim: We like to stick with the cool parts of the Bible. The apocalyptic stuff, the pro-Israel stuff, that one part about the full armor of God. Corey: Yes, I have a tattoo of that part. It rules. Tim: All this confusing stuff… like “turn the other cheek?” What does that even mean? It’s very difficult to reconcile with Christ’s explicit pro-gun message. Corey: I’m sorry dude, but all these weird flukey passages… They’re going to lead you astray. Tim: They’re meant to be sort of skimmed over, like the genaeologies. Tim: Let’s put down the Bibles and focus on what Christianity is really about: Policing each other’s porn use. Corey: Bruce, it looks like another flawless week for you. Rapture: Hell yeah.
Corey: I guess I agree that God wants us to be kind to strangers, but are immigrants really strangers? We know they’re our enemies. Surely Jesus wouldn’t tell us to be kind to enemies! Tim: I can think of no bible verse that might suggest “love” for our “enemies.” The scriptures are very unclear. Rapture: Well buckle up, boys! Your brains’ asses are about to get curbstomped when you see what Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount. Corey: Well yeah, but that surely refers to tough love. Like kicking the shit out of them, for instance. Or imprisoning them without due process. Tim: It will help them grow. Corey: And imagine if they strike us on the cheek. Obviously we’re supposed to shoot them then, right? Rapture: Let me just pause to give your asses a moment to limber up for the amount of buckling up you’re going to have to do in order to process the next thing I’m going to say…
Rapture is talking to his ICE Bible Study Rapture: Leviticus 19:34. "The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself.” How does this apply to our work as ICE officers? Tim: Uh… It doesn’t? I fail to see the connection. Corey: That’s from the Old Testament. The New Testament is the one that applies. And it’s famously much more brutal. Rapture: How about Hebrews 13:2. “Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing so some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.” Tim: OK but why would God care if we show hospitality to angels. Corey: I’m not worried about angels having a place to sleep. Why don’t they just sleep in heaven? Rapture: OK, how about the parable of the good Samaritan? “Jesus replied, A man was going down from Jerusalem…” Corey: Uh, Rapture, bro. Corey: I know this is all the inspired word of God and all, but don’t we usually stick to like… the good passages?
Raven: Hey babe, what’s a normal number of free throws to get in a game? Two seems low, doesn’t it? Maybe I’ll bet the over on Joe Ingles? Chug: That’s an end of the bench guy, he doesn’t get minutes. Raven: Right, right… This is so hard. Jack Thompson: You still haven’t started Fanduel online law school? Raven: This is for one of the classes.
Shadow: Stupid evil hairless judge... He's going to turn my son into a hateful rampaging killer... outside of video games! Chug: Sorry dude, but maybe this is the wakeup call you need to not be a huge jackass. Shadow: What? Where’s this coming from? What did I do? Chug: Nothing. Just in general. Shadow: Damn it, my son is joining ICE and you’re using it to throw just nonspecific shade on my parenting? Chug: I don’t mean to zero in on your parenting, necessarily. You’re just generally a jackass, and maybe this will teach you something. You know, like the lessons you’re always learning. Jack Thompson (thinking): I wish I had friends to banter with like this. All I’ve got is… George W Bush: Jack Thompson! I’ve declared pretzels to be WMD’s! To war with the Germans! Jack Thompson: Sir, you’re not currently the president.
Ladow: Are we really in the army? Judge: We make up a fighting force greater than the army, kid. We are neither bound by rules of engagement, nor orders from above. Judge: We are the flame by which the bleeding wounds of this country shall brutally be cauterized. We shall rid this nation of her flab and tumors, until lean muscle remains, and nothing else. Ladow: Do we get to shoot guns? Judge: Certainly. Conflict removes weakness while elevating strength. The greatest purifier of a population is mortal combat. Ladow (thinking): That sounds like something my dad would agree with...
Shadow arrives at his car. Shadow: Hey! Where the f**** is my son??? Raven: Maybe he burned away to ashes from being left in your hot car. Shadow: It's the middle of the night, a-hole. Shadow opens the trunk. Alan is in there. Alan: Shadow! I've discovered a flaw in the "luxury pod" you let me ride in. There's no way to open the door from inside! Aside from that, it's very luxurious. Shadow: Hey Alan, what happened to Ladow? Alan: Well, I couldn't see much from in here, but it sounded like he was taken away by a huge man speaking in literary prose with sparse punctuation. Shit: Sh***! You mean that racist f***k kidnapped my kid now too?! Alan: No, no. He didn't kidnap him. Alan: He recruited him. Shadow is gobsmacked. Alan holds up a jug of antifreeze. Alan: This beverage was very refreshing. Do you have any more?
Male doctor: Have you two changed your minds about insisting on a female doctor to suck the poison out of your snakebites? Jack Thompson: Actually, yes. But we don’t need you to do it. We’ll suck it out ourselves. Male Doctor: Interesting. So you don’t need me? Shadow: We need you to give us the “Marilyn Manson Special!” Male Doctor: Excellent choice. I’ll grab the bonesaw. Outside the hospital, Shadow and Jack Thompson are showing off their new ribcage situation to Raven and Chug. They have an alarmingly low number of ribs. Shadow: LOL, my chest looks stupid. How many ribs did he take? Jack Thompson: Avoiding a gay encounter with you was worth the ribs, and the uninsured elective surgery! Shadow and Jack Thompson are immediately bitten by snakes again. Shadow: Oops! Another rattlesnake bite! Right on the ass! Jack Thompson: No big deal, am I right? Both jacknife over forward and suck their own buttocks. Both: SLUUUUUURP!
Jack Thompson: All right, Shadow… I’m ready for you to… for you to suck the venom out of my bottom. Please be gentle. Shadow (thinking): Unbelievable! I can’t believe I have to perform an intimate act with anti-gaming activist and disbarred lawyer Jack Thompson. Shadow: Just close your eyes, and let daddy do his thing. This is how it has to happen. After all, we can't suck our own asses. Shadow thinks for a moment. Shadow: ... Wait! Shadow is holding the Marilyn Manson CD. Shadow: What if there’s... another way?
Jack Thompson: I can't feel my legs. Death is coming for me. Shadow: Jack Thompson... I want to live. Shadow: We've come to understand each other slightly... I think we need to suck out each other's ass venom. You and me. We have a mutual need. It should be between us. Jack Thompson: I’m afraid, Shadow… It will be like we’re gay… Shadow: Who would have thought… A gamer, and a lawyer who sues game developers… What do we have to be afraid of?
Jack Thompson: I feel near death. I see a light... Shadow: Jack Thompson... Do you know where you're going to go when you die? Jack Thompson: I always thought I would go to heaven… And Jesus would give me a special crown for persecuting gamers. Shadow: Gamer heaven is real, Jack Thompson. A paradise of great games, where the LAN parties are 24/7, and the babes are hot. Jack Thompson: What's a LAN party? Shadow: Shut up. Shadow: They have a PS Infinity there. And that’s not a change of naming convention, that’s numerical. And all true gamers will go there. Jack Thompson: True gamers? Shadow: You know, non-racist, not casual. Cool pose. Able to enjoy GTA outside of story mode. I can tell you a prayer to pray if you like.... Jack Thompson: Bah. I'll never be a true gamer. Jack Thompson: My hard heart will never accept the power of games. I reject your gaming god, and I profane his holy LAN party. Shadow (thinking): Why can’t he see that gaming rocks?
Jack Thompson: Thank Jesus, you saved us, Tom Bombadil! Shadow: I regret calling your chapters of LOTR filler. Shadow: Hey, so you're some sort of fairy guy, and something about that makes it seem less sexual. Can you suck the venom out of my ass? Tom Bombadil: Old Tom Bombadil cannot solve your pickle. Rough is his beard, and his moustache does tickle. Shadow: Oh. Yeah, I guess that's a problem. Shadow: Well, great work chasing off that demonic ICE guy who represents America's sins. Did you get some good footage of him on your phone? Tom Bombadil: Tom Bombadillo didn't have his camera going, He was watching youtube videos on gardening and sowing, He was wand'ring in the hospital and on his phone all day, 'Til he happened on your enemy, and frightened him away! Shadow: Oh. Well are you going to help us stop ICE then? Tom Bombadil: Nah. Later, homos.
The Judge: Stop recording me, old man! I need to enforce the law! Do you realize how much harder that is if I’m accountable to the public? Tom Bombadil: Tom Bombadoodle Bombadilly doesn't care, when his camera is on, it records whatever's there! Judge: Well there's nothing to see here. Look! I’m kissing a minority! Raven: Very weird attempt to be normal, my racist dude. Judge: This isn't worth the trouble. I'm going to go to some other area nearby where I can more easily continue deporting and murdering people. The good guys: Yay! Woohoo! Yeah!
Tom Bombadil walks in. He's holding a phone horizontally and appears to be recording with it. Tom Bombadil: Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow! Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow! Shadow: Dude... WTF? Tom Bombadil looks down. He's wearing red boots. He looks shocked.
Judge: Don’t want to die of snakebite? That’s fine. I’ll just murder you!!! Shadow: Chug, scan this a-hole! He must be an alien brain parasite! Chug: Uh... let's see... Chug: No, this is something else… It says he’s a mysterious and powerful literary character of unclear origin and open-to-interpretation symbolism. Chug: Possible points of reference include Moby Dick, The angels from Evangelion, certain interpretations of The Joker, and the Cat in the Hat. Shadow: Damn, that's one scary lineup. Can't one of these characters be a good guy for once? (From offscreen) Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow! Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow!
Shadow: You idiot! That nonbinary Latinx doctor you just deported was going to save my life by sucking the rattlesnake venom out of my ass! Judge: Then you’ll die. Ha ha! That’s the best thing about racism! The damage goes far beyond the specific wretches I racistly attack! Jack Thompson: But we’re white. Why would you want racism to hurt us? Judge: You defended the illegal doctor I deported. You’re just as bad as them. Shadow: I appreciate the corrected pronoun, but you’re going to regret all of this when your nursing home is understaffed and fruit costs like a dollar per strawberry. Judge: That’s your defense? That without illegals there will be no one to break their backs for America’s table scraps? You’re more like me than you think you are. Jack Thompson: Please don’t let us die of snakebite! Judge: Very well… Then I will shoot you in your beds.
Chug: Dude, you can't just deport whoever you want! Shadow: That was insanely racist of you. Plus illegal. Judge: All power is illegal. A man has no power if he cannot abuse it. He is no man, but a neuter. an instrument that conveys other men’s power from this place to that place. He has no will in him and thus no violence. Judge: The soil of this country bends to the voice of violence as its mother and its only law. He who would restrict the unaccountable exercise of power on it toils in vain. He plants his flag in the lawless soil, and his flag withers and cracks. Judge: Democracy. The rule of law. These are veils that conceal the engine of racial violence, churning on as it has since the first ships brought the first rifles filled with lead for Indian bodies. Judge: The trees grovel before the unimpeded conqueror, begging to be consumed for his purposes. The stones cry out in worship for the subjugator. Racism is God. Shadow: LOL, are you supposed to be Frasier writing a school shooter manfesto? Raven: You sound like if Andrew Tait couldn't get laid.
Shadow: Hey! We've been waiting for three hours! Jack Thompson: Is anyone here?! Judge: Looking for your low-IQ doctor? I deported her, just for kicks. Because I can. I guess your operation isn't happening. It feels good to dismantle healthcare! Hwaaaaa ha ha haaaa! Shadow: Bro… it’s bad to misgender medical professionals while deporting them for no reason and dismantling healthcare.
Shadow: Why is it taking so long for the doctor to get here? This snakebite is going to kill me if my ass doesn't get sucked soon! Jack Thompson: I'm going to lose consciousness.. Raven: The receptionist is gone. I saw plenty of male doctors who offered to help. Shadow: Shoot. I’m still not gay enough to accept that. Jack Thompson: I'm only gay for George W. Bush. Shadow: Whatever. I'm going to listen to music until the doctor gets here... Hey, WTF Raven? Your long-a** Surfjammer Stevens song used up all my data! Raven: ha ha. Raven: Don't worry dude, listen to my old walkman. I brought the CDs I had in my car. Shadow: I guess I'll try it. Shadow: Ugh... Regina Spektor... The Fiddler on the Roof cast recording... Twenty One Pilots... Marilyn Manson???? Did you get these at the library? Raven: I have eclectic tastes. Shadow is listening to Regina Spektor "...And as was only natural, they made porcupine love… porcupine love…" Shadow: This is making the poison hurt more.
Bruce: Thanks for bringing me back to my senses. I’m a senior gamer, and I love fragging whippersnappers, and blowing social security checks on microtransactions! Bruce: The name’s Bruce, but you can call me Rapture. Harmon: Rapture? Bruce: I’m also a CHRISTIAN gamer.
Bruce: Why did you say that? Why did you say that thing about delicious, moist cake? Harmon: I don’t know. Bruce: You know there’s no cake here. This is a detention facility. Your “cake” isn’t real! It doesn’t exist! The cake is a… a load of hooey! Bruce: You’re trying to find the geeks and gamers in the crowd, aren’t you?! Why? They can’t help you! Harmon: You’re scaring Kirby! Bruce: And why do you two remind me of my two granddaughters who don’t talk to me anymore?? Harmon: I was just talking about cake! Bruce: The cake is… The cake is hogwash! Why do I feel sorry for two criminals who aren’t even supposed to be in this country? Why are you tormenting me??? Kirby: What cake? Bruce: THE… CAKE… IS… A… LIEEEE!!!!!! Bruce: AAAAAAUGH!!!!! He tears off his hat and mask. Underneath he has the spiky hair and smug grin of a gamer. Bruce: Let’s kick some ass, young ladies.
The guard who’s been watching Raven and Chug’s girls is playing Nintendo Switch. We’re going to call him Bruce now. Another ICE Agent: Hey Bruce, gaming as always I see. Bruce: This is Hogwarts: Legacy. The witchcraft isn’t satanic anymore now that JK Rowling hates transgenders. Other ICE Agent: You must be the biggest gamer in all of ICE. Bruce: I was… until they put pink blocks in Tetris and gave Lara Croft smaller bosoms. Gaming went woke. Bruce: Now I just play this horse puckey and pretend to have fun. I’m a shell of the gamer I was. Other ICE agent: Bruce… Do you ever feel like it’s all… a lie? Kirby: I wanna go home. Harmon: We’re in jail, Kirby. They won’t let us go home. Kirby: Where’s mama and daddy? Harmon: I don’t know. But they’re watching out for us. They taught us what to do… Harmon: Remember the magic words Mama taught us to say? When we’re alone and in trouble, and we need to find the good people to come and help us? We see Bruce on his switch. There’s a speech balloon from Harmon offscreen. Harmon: “This cake is GREAT! It’s so delicious and MOIST!” Bruce looks shocked and convicted. A tear drops from beneath Bruce’s sunglasses.
Shadow and Jack Thompson are in hospital beds. Nurse: The doctor will see you in a moment. Jack Thompson: Thank you. Nurse: Mx. Martinez, the patients are ready for you. Dr. Martinez: Thank you for using a gender-neutral honorific, but it’s Dr. The big main ICE agent appears. Ice agent: Dr. Deported that is! Wuah ha ha! Seize these brown people! We can’t have these licensed immigrant physicians stealing patients from white chiropractors! ICE agents grab the medical staff. The big ICE agent is playing a violin and dancing. ICE agent: Whaaaa ha ha ha! I never sleep! He keeps fiddling and dancing. ICE agent: I will never die!!!
Chug is checking the guys in at the hospital. Chug: Hey, my friend and this ex-lawyer who is also an anti-games activist have been bitten by a rattlesnake in a sensitive area. Nurse: Do they have insurance? Chug: Not my problem. Chug: Due to homophobia, they want to request that the venom be sucked out by a female doctor, or possibly some sort of pump if you have that. Shadow: I won’t sexualize it at all. As long as it’s a woman. Sorry about my hangups. I recognize that I need to change, but that’s just where I’m at in my life journey. Nurse: We don’t have any female doctors available at this time, but we do have a nonbinary doctor who was assigned female at birth. Would that be alright? Shadow: I wish I wasn’t OK with that, but I still have growing to do. I’ll take them.
Jack Thompson: Chug, can’t you tell your ethnic wife to suck the venom out of our buttocks? We’ve already established it’s not sexual. Raven: No can do. I’m fasting for a colonoscopy tomorrow. Raven: Yes, women get them too. We just don’t bitch about it because doctors are already constantly jamming things up our orifices.
Jack Thompson: Chug! Thank God! I’ve been bitten by a rattlesnake! I need you to suck the venom out of my buttock! Chug: Hmm, that’s definitely a bit uncomfortable for me, but I can hardly refuse. After all, it’s a matter of medical necessity. Chug: And really, it’s just a buttock. There’s no hole involved. It’s not an orifice. I imagine it’s as clean as your thigh, or your lower back. Chug: Sucking on Jack Thompson’s buttock is no different from sucking on Jack Thompson’s bicep, or his shoulder. Not something I’d do recreationally, but not unthinkable. Chug: It doesn’t need to be awkward unless I make it awkward. And this is a fellow human being in need. Your life is on the line. Yes, I will suck your ass. It’s the right thing to do. Shadow: Chug! I need you to suck the venom out of my ass cheek too! Chug: Eh… Let’s go to a hospital instead.
Shadow: So then like… They’re trying to set a trap for the trolls, and they put on a Justin Bieber concert, and there’s this bit where they keep calling him Justin Beaver. Jack Thompson: I need to use the men’s room, can you pull over? Shadow: Sure. Jack Thompson is trying to urinate by the side of the road. Shadow is right behind him. Shadow: …And it turns out that Bugs was sincerely gay for Daffy, so of course he goes ballistic. A rattlesnake jumps up and bites Jack Thompson in the ass. Jack Thompson: Augh! A rattlesnake! Shadow: Watch out, dude. Shadow: See, if you tried gaming you’d develop the alertness and reflexes to not get bit by that rattlesnake. You could just shoot it before it had a chance to-- A rattlesnake bites Shadow in the ass. Shadow: Augh!
Jack Thompson: Video games made your son want to be in the army? Shadow: I know. You’re conservative. I’m not against all military service. Hell, my roommate’s a veteran, and he’s awesome. Shadow: I admire soldiers from like, WWII who fought nazis, but we’re in a rogue state starting idiotic wars for no reason. Why would you put your life on the line for that? Jack Thompson: I agree that the current administration lacks… The intentionality and grace of previous warmongers… Shadow: I told him that if he joined the army he might have to invade Greenland or Canada or something, and he didn’t even understand why that was bad. Jack: And you hold this “Call of Duty” responsible? Shadow: I don’t know where else he would’ve got these ideas. Jack Thompson: I don’t know what to tell you. Shadow: I know, I just wanted to talk to someone who could understand how I feel. Thanks Jack Thompson.
Shadow: So uh… Obviously I don’t think games cause violence. But uh… Listen, I need to get your thoughts, as Jack Thompson… Shadow: My kid, uh, at school the other day… He had an assignment about what he wants to be when he grows up… And he plays a lot of Call of Duty with his stepdad… Shadow: And he said he wants to be in the army.
Jack Thompson: What about that one where you’re a criminal. “Theft of the Auto?” Shadow: Grand Theft Auto? That’s a legal term, dude. How do you not know it? Jack Thompson: I heard you can steal cars and shoot people, and visit sex workers. Shadow: Yeah, but when you do, the cops always come for your ass. Jack Thompson: And then the game is over? Shadow: No, they just chase you around for like twenty seconds. Jack Thompson: I just don’t see how that teaches moral values. Shadow: It’s an annoying waste of time. That’s basically the worst thing that can happen to you in a game. Jack Thompson: And what about, uh, Doom? That one’s just evil, don’t you think? Shadow: Lol, of course not, bro. Hell no. Shadow: You literally kill demons in that one. Aren’t you supposed to be Christian? You want me to let demons live? Jack Thompson: I… I don’t know anymore…
Shadow: …So they added another Sonic type guy. But this one’s a bit grittier, and you’ve gotta fight him, that’s Knuckles. Shadow: And then you’ve got Metal Sonic, which is like, a dark robot version of Sonic that he has to fight. Shadow: Plus there’s Shadow the Hedgehog, he’s pretty much like Sonic, but gritty, and much darker. Shadow: Then there are some characters from the comics who are pretty cool, like Scourge the Hedgehog. He’s Sonic, but dark, and evil. Jack Thompson: Does this “Sonic” do anything at all aside from fighting dark inversions of himself? Shadow: He goes fast.
Shadow: …And yes, you can make “evil” choices, but there are in-world consequences. Sometimes your character wears darker clothing. And you get different ability trees. Shadow: Like, you can’t get healing spells. Or maybe the only way you can heal is by “draining” health from enemies with a creepy purple beam. Plus you usually get a bad ending. Jack Thompson: What kind of bad ending? Shadow: I don’t know, like an ending where you join the bad guys, or die, or take over the universe. Jack: And what sort of choices can you make? Shadow: All kinds. Whether to kill a firaxan shark, or whether to harvest some little girls for energy. Or whether to be polite to friendly aliens or tell them to fuck off. Jack Thompson: Do you still beat the game if you get the bad ending? Shadow: Well, gamers like myself like to go for “100% completion” and see all the endings. Jack Thompson: So if you want to get 100%, you’re required to do evil? Shadow: Yes, but I thoughtfully compare the endings so I can fully appreciate the superiority of the moral path.
Shadow: You know, Jack Thompson… Maybe I’ve been too hard on you. I know I used to call you homo and attack you with a chainsaw, but I’ve mellowed out over the years. Shadow: Now that I have a kid of my own, I can see how people worry about what media is doing to their kids. I get why you don’t trust games. But look at the evidence… Shadow: Studies have repeatedly shown that games don’t cause violence. Chug: Hey Shadow, there’s a brain parasite outside the car. Shadow: Oh, shit. Shadow gets out of the car and confronts an ICE agent who’s not actually an ICE agent, he’s infected by a brain parasite and there’s no cure, so violence against him is sadly justified. Shadow brutally kills the parasite-infected agent using Kano’s skeleton pull fatality. Shadow is back in the car. Chug: Dude, sweet Mortal Kombat move. Shadow: Thanks. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. So there’s actually no evidence…
Raven: Should I put my hundred bucks on the Thunder? Chug: Sure, if you want to win thirty cents. Shadow: Some of those basketball guys are stars, right? Lebron James. Uh, Steve Curry… Chug: Those guys are old as hell, Shad. They’re basically our age. Shadow: If I were betting, I’d try to figure out which team has the most stars, and bet on them. Chug: Genius. You’ve cracked sports betting. A truly elite ball-knower. Ladow: I like Wemby! Shadow: LOL, who the f*** showed you NBA basketball? Jack Thompson: Stop this! You have to focus on the law school element of the hybrid diploma mill and sports betting platform! We need that degree or we’ll never end gaming forever! Raven: It won’t let me enroll in any classes until I place a bet. Jack Thompson: Okay, well the Knicks at Sixers looks like a trap game to me.
Raven: Hey, this virtual law school you signed me up for says I get a free $100 toward my first bet on Fanduel Sports. Jack Thompson: It’s lightly sponsored by a sports betting app. Raven: I want to bet! Who’s that basketball guy with the neck hair? Chug: Brook Lopez? Raven: Yessss! Chug: Babe, don’t bet on the Clips. You want a mediocre team that upgraded at the deadline without anyone noticing. Who are the Trailblazers playing? Raven: Trailblazers… Do they have that unibrow guy? Chug: If you mean Anthony Davis, he landed on the Washington Wizards. That’s actually a good pick. Chug: If you mean D’Angelo Russel, I think the Lakers shot him out of a cannon into the sun. He’s probably in uh… What’s the NBA equivalent of Japan? Raven: It sounds racist, but China. Raven: This is so much fun! I feel like I’m in that one movie… Chug: Uncut Gems? Raven: Air Bud!
A Powerup Comics character. An Xbox 360 with muscular arms and an epic grin.
Shadow, Chug, Raven, Ladow, and Jack Thompson are the car driving. Shadow: All right, nineteen hours and twenty-two minutes to San Antonio. Any playlist suggestions? I’m on a five gig data plan, so let’s stick to two songs per hour. Raven: Impossible Soul by Sufjan Stevens. Shadow: Is that a Scandinavian metal thing? Raven: yes. Jack Thompson: Here’s the situation. I was disbarred in 2008, but since then, games have only continued to be violent. And some of them are also gay. Shadow: That’s what we’ve been saying! Jack Thompson: I need one of you gamers to obtain a law degree, fast, and pass the bar exam so that you can sue game studios on my behalf. Raven: You need someone willing to be a sham lawyer? Jack Thompson: That’s right. Raven: I’ll do it. Jack Thompson: I’ve paid your tuition to FanDuel Educational University, the cheapest diploma mill available. Get on this laptop. You should be able to get your undergraduate degree by Wichita.
Kirby: Stinky poop. Harmon: My sister has a yucky diaper. ICE agent: I signed on to arrest illegals, not change diapers. Can’t you change it? Harmon: I don’t have any diapers. ICE agent: Well we don’t have any diapers. We’re federal agents.. Can’t you stick some paper towels in her pants? Harmon: There aren’t any paper towels. ICE agent: *sigh* well, I was TRYING to enjoy some quiet time on my phone, but fine. I’ll go try to find you something. ICE agent: I’ve got to find some worthless piece of paper that can be used as a diaper and covered in shit without ICE objecting… The ICE agent returns with the American Constitution. ICE agent: Here. You can use this.
Harmon and Kirby are in a crowded cell. Harmon: Hey mister! Hey! Why are we in jail? ICE agent: *Sigh* I’m sorry miss. You’re a bit too young to understand this, but some types of people are just supposed to be in jail. ICE agent: If we don’t do this, it’s longer lines at the bank, Bobby Witt Jr. losing MVP to an oriental, and something called “fiesta” lime chicken at Applebees. It’s best for everyone. ICE agent: I may be old-fashioned, but it doesn’t make me want to “fiesta” when my chicken comes with a little cup of “salsa.” My wife almost had a stroke! Harmon: My dad said that Applebees is the Facebook of restaurants. ICE agent: Maybe, little girl. Maybe. We don’t go there anymore. We just stay home now, and get mad about commercials we heard people talking about at work.
Shadow: Well, we’ll just have to go down to Texas and get your girls back from the ICE facility there. Raven: I hate to say it, since it doesn’t seem very trusting, but before we ask ICE to release our girls from confinement, we might want to lawyer up. Shadow: I don’t know. ICE is law enforcement. I’m sure they’re very careful about obeying the law. Chug: Involving a lawyer should always be a standard precaution. That’s just American. Chug: That’s why Raven and I have a prenup. Raven: I get the Shrek poster signed by Rufus Wainwright, plus whatever’s in the fridge. Raven: Anyway, do you know any lawyers who might be willing to help us for cheap? Shadow: Uh… maybe one… Jack Thompson: Fine, I’ll help you. But after we’re done rescuing your kids, you have to help me sue games.
Chug: Damn it! That miniboss-coded ICE agent just humanely detained our girls! If only we had made Kirby and Harmon more obviously legal by having them be born more white! Raven: I told you to give me your whitest sperm, you asshole! This is on you! Chug: All of my sperm are equally white! They’re tied! I’m white! Shadow: Guys, I’m sure it’s a mistake that they grabbed your daughters. I’m sure they’re having a fine time at the comfortable and law-abiding Whipple building. Let’s go ask for them back. They’re at the Whipple building. ICE grunt: I wish I could help you, but ICE has pulled out of Minnesota. This beloved facility, full of happy memories, is being shut down. Your children have been transferred to San Antonio. Raven: What? Why? ICE grunt: It hurts me to say it, but Holman had us pull out because, well, I’m sorry, but it’s because you didn’t thank us enough. Chug: I didn’t think of that. We deserve to have our children sent to Texas for no reason. Raven: We brought this on ourselves.
An ICE agent steals Chug and Raven’s children. Agent: Heh heh heh! I’m stealing your kids, you domestic terrorist bitches! Raven: No! Chug: Crap! Raven: Give them back you jerk! Agent: No! I’m going to take them away to the ICE Palace of Deportation! Ha ha ha! I loooove being evil! Raven drops down and punches the agent in the nuts Raven: Take this, you child-stealing bastard! Chug: Raven, no! He doesn’t have an alien brain parasite! That’s a normal ICE agent! We need to treat him with human dignity! Raven: Oh no, whoops! Chug: Quick! Switch to peaceful protest before he invokes the insurrection act! Raven: Right! Raven is holding a sign that says “We demand INCREMENTAL CHANGE in the captivity of our CHILDREN! ICE agent: LOL, no way, chumps!
Raven: Can I help kill these brain parasites? Alan: Only if you are willing to mutilate and kill creatures that look like men and wear ICE uniforms. Raven: I’m strong enough. I can do it. Alan: I can give you the moveset of a Mortal Kombat character. Which one do you want? Raven: Voldo. Alan: That’s not Mortal Kombat. Raven: You think I care? Give me Voldo. Alan: My alien species doesn’t have the technology to replicate Soulcalibur characters. The jiggle physics are beyond us. Raven: Voldo has no jiggly bits. And I want the codpiece and thong ensemble too. Alan: I don’t have costumes! I can just give you the moves! Raven: I’m just messing with you, buddy, give me a modified Johnny Cage where every move is the nut punch. Alan: I can give you the whole moveset. Raven: No need.
Raven and the two girls are out of the car now and talking to Shadow and Chug. Raven: So what are you guys doing outside? Shouldn’t you be gaming? Chug: We had to take a break from gaming. Chug: Our cool alien friend needs us to murder certain brain parasites that happen to be infecting ICE agents. Shadow: We’re also peacefully protesting the non-infected agents. Allen: This one has a parasite that can only be destroyed by sawing off his arms and legs and then sawing his head in half. Shadow: Ugh, OK. Shadow and Chug start sawing the brain-parasite infected zombie apart. They saw him apart some more. They saw him apart some more. Chug: You know, maybe we don’t need to be doing this in front of the girls.
ICE agent: Step out of the car. You wouldn’t want “something bad” to happen to you, like the “incident” with the “tragic victim” who “fell on a bullet.” Raven: Hang on, would someone who’s not deeply integrated into white culture have this in their glove compartment? As Raven is rummaging through the glove compartment, the car lurches forward and splatters the agent. Raven (not looking up): Whoops! The car lurches backward and splatters the agent some more. Raven is holding up a CD Raven: See? Belle and Sebastian! I know all the songs by heart too. I’d show you if the CD player worked. Chug shows up with the brain parasite detector. Chug: Good news, babe. The guy you just splattered wasn’t a real ICE agent at all! He’s the undead thrall of an alien brain parasite. Raven: Ah, good.
Raven has been pulled over by an Ice agent. Raven: Here’s my certificate of adoption, my social security card, my passport, a photo of me as a baby with my white evangelical parents, and my Burger King Kid’s Club membership card. ICE agent: The Burger King Kids Club is a little woke. Isn’t one of them in a wheelchair? Raven: One of them is named Boomer, that’s conservative, right? It’s the lesbian. Raven: Look, here are my biracial kids, which prove that I’ve been of service to white penjs. I qualify for the Usha exception. ICE agent: I need you to step out of the car.
Shadow: Hey Alan can I change my moveset to Scorpion? Alan: Sorry, no. Shadow: I just picked Kano because I wanted to do the heart thing. I thought I’d be able to change it later. Alan: Our technology does not allow you to change it. Shadow: I don’t even like Kano! Nobody does! 33 years of advances in graphics and he still just looks like a guy with plastic sh*** glued to his face! Alan: I can’t change it. Shadow: What about Raiden? Can I be Raiden? Chug: Don’t be Raiden, dude. You’re gonna look mega-racist in that hat. Alan: You don’t get the costume, just the moveset. Shadow: Great, then can you change it? Alan: No! Shadow: Can I make my own “get over here” harpoon? Alan: I don’t care. Shadow: OK well we’re gonna need to stop by Home Depot then.
Shadow and Chug see a FAKE ice agent (actually dead and controlled by an alien brain parasite). Chug: OK, NOW the screen is flashing sort of a wine color, how many kinds of parasite are there? Alan: Quite a lot. Alan: This is a “progenitor” parasite. It can only be destroyed by breaking the host’s bones with a sledgehammer and pulling his intestines out through the anus. Shadow: Ugh. FINISH HIM Shadow uppercuts the agent into the air. The agent falls down below the original screen as Shadow and Chug watch. The agent falls all the way down into a pit of spikes and is impaled. Chug: Shad, we still have to do the intestine thing! You can’t use stage fatalities like that! Shadow: *Sigh* I’ll go down and get him…
Chug is pointing the parasite detector at another ICE agent. Chug: OK, now there’s a blinking amber light. Alan: That ICE agent has a super-parasite. Alan: It can only be destroyed by cooking the host and feeding its flesh to other infected ICE agents. Shadow: Damn! Shadow and Chug kill the parasite host using Mortal Kombat moves. Shadow and Chug shove the body in the oven, its face is frozen in fear. Shadow and Chug are cutting slices off from the body and making sandwiches. Shadow and Chug are handing out sandwiches to ICE agents. Shadow: I hope no one who doesn’t know about the alien brain parasites sees us and mistakes what we’re doing for violent protest.
Allen: Time to exterminate more brain parasites. Shadow: I just wish they didn’t use innocent federal agents as hosts. Chug is pointing the device at an ICE agent Chug: Hey, why is the parasite detector going crazy? Allen: That agent has a queen parasite. I’m afraid it can only be removed by torturing the host to death with pliers. Shadow and Chug are torturing the host to death with pliers. Shadow: This whole situation is so sad and unfortunate.