Sir Michael

@sirmichael.bsky.social

16912 Followers 235 Following

Creator of the Sturdy Wheelbarrows podcast and the grandson who continues to be persecuted for wearing jean shorts to his grandad's funeral :(

The most beautiful horse portrait you've ever seen. It deserves to replace the Mona Lisa in The Louvre.
World Cup 2026 Penalty Shootout Rules 1. Five players from each team are selected as designated penalty takers, with each taking one penalty kick. 2. In the event that any of the designated penalty takers are kidnapped by a gang of marauding pirates before they have taken their penalty, a replacement penalty taker may be selected. 3. If the replacement penalty taker is also kidnapped by the same gang of marauding pirates, negotiations will begin with the pirates to get one or both of the kidnapped players returned in order to take their penalty kick. 4. If negotiations are successful, the shootout will proceed as planned. 5. If negotiations are unsuccessful and the pirates issue a heartrending public statement in which they explain that they were driven to these kidnappings as a means of drawing attention to a series of global regulations in recent centuries, which have adversely affected their ability to make a living from ocean piracy, it is likely that this will see them gain significant public support. As a result, the regulations which have most damaged their industry (military crackdowns on pirate ships, ports refusing to grant safe harbour to pirate ships etc.) will be immediately overturned. 6. This embarrassingly weak concession to the pirates will almost certainly have disastrous effects on other industries but that will be someone else's problem.
Newspaper front page. World News "Not a fan of FIFA." Man criticises governing body Just days ahead of the men’s World Cup, FIFA - the governing body of world football - has been rocked by criticism from grocery shop employee and online personality Sir Michael. Speaking before the big kick-off on Thursday, Michael said, “I don’t really like the acronym ‘FIFA’ very much. If you see it written down, you wouldn’t know that it’s supposed to be pronounced ‘fee-fah’. A lot of people probably pronounce it ‘fy-fah or fiff-ah by mistake. People should be able to see an acronym written down and immediately know how it’s pronounced.” While he has yet to respond, the timing of the criticism could not be worse for FIFA president Gianni Infantino who was already under pressure following the shambolic preparations for his organisation’s showcase event and faces an election in 2027 to retain his position. Asked if he had an issue with the names of any other organisations, Michael also singled out NASA for criticism. “It should be spelt NASSA,” said the Irishman. “People could easily see NASA written down and think it’s pronounced ‘nay-sah’. Hopefully they’ll change it one day.”
Section 3.8 of the terms and conditions document for Adobe Acrobat Reader, which, scandalously, ends without a full stop.
Newspaper Page World News Disaster Averted! Tech Support Almost Goes Horribly Wrong [Sir Michael's stunning profile picture] Earlier today, grocery shop employee and online personality Sir Michael was involved in an unusual slip of the tongue. While talking to his grandmother about a loading problem she had been experiencing with a webpage, Michael suggested "trying it on a different bowser." Was Michael referring to the Super Mario character? No, he was not. He had intended to say "browser" but accidentally omitted the second letter. Speaking at a press conference after the incident, a visibly emotional Michael said, "I made a mistake. I meant to say browser but I said Bowser instead. Like the character in Mario games. I don't know how it happened as I'm not even into video games but, luckily, Nan didn't notice so it didn't cause any confusion." Asked afterwards if this incident would affect future tech support for his grandmother, Michael replied, "I wouldn't have thought so, no. It was just a bit of a mix-up. If Nan asks for help with more tech stuff in the future, I won't shy away. You have to be strong enough to come back from errors in this business." Michael's grandmother was not available for comment on the incident but it is believed she has since got the webpage to load on her iPad.
My Review of 2026 Number: 2026 Reviewer: Michael Cunningham Comments The number 2026 is, in my opinion, one of the best numbers between between 1731 and 2294. It is an even number and I like that two of the four digits are 2, which is one of my favourite single digit numbers. I also like that it has a zero in it. Most of my favourite large numbers have a zero in them. And I don’t mind the 6. In conclusion, I am pleased to award the number 2026 four stars out of five. Favourite Things About This Number - The fact that it’s evenly divisible by 1, 2, 1013 and 2026 - It is a dignified-looking number, imo - The fact that 2 makes up 50% of the digits in 2026. I find that very aesthetically pleasing
Named Correctly or Incorrectly Here are some films that were named. But were they named correctly or incorrectly? Downfall (2004) Not a bad title but perhaps an even better one would have been Fall Down (because that's what Hitler does after shooting himself). The producers are probably still kicking themselves that they didn't think of this title at the time. Named correctly or incorrectly? Incorrectly There Will Be Blood (2007) Film titles should not be spoilers. This gives away too much of the plot by pre-informing viewers that there will be blood. Should have been called Maybe There Will Be Blood, Maybe There Won't Be. Named correctly or incorrectly? Incorrectly Captain Philips (2013) Too incomplete. It's a good start (because the film does involve Captain Philips) but it omits the names of all the other characters in the film. It should have been called Captain Philips, His Colleagues, The Hijackers and The Army Guys. Named correctly or incorrectly? Incorrectly Weekend at Bernie's (1989) Film in which two guys go to Bernie's house for the weekend, which is perfectly encapsulated by the title. Excellent. Couldn't be better. Named correctly or incorrectly? Correctly
Q: What is hantavirus? A: I don't know yet. I only heard about it an hour ago so I haven't had time to look it up. Q: How is it spread? A: Again, no idea. Q: Could it turn into a pandemic? A: Not too sure. Q: What symptoms should I be looking out for? A: I don't know what the symptoms are but please be vigilant for all of them, whatever they may be. Q: What is the incubation period for hantavirus? A: I don't know what that is. Q: Is there a vaccine? A: Not that I've heard but I haven't asked anyone. I could try asking my dad but he wouldn't know either. Q: Should I be worried? A: Maybe. It's hard to say for sure.
Sir Michael Statement Regarding UAE's Withdrawal from OPEC and OPEC+ 28/4/26 As many of you will by now be aware, the UAE today announced its decision to withdraw from OPEC and OPEC+. Knowing, as I do, the way that scurrilous rumours can rapidly spread online, I wish to get ahead of the speculation by making it clear that I had no involvement in the UAE's decision. This was a choice made solely by the leadership of the UAE. They did not seek my counsel at any point and nor did I offer it. To be very clear, I did not influence this decision in any way. Indeed, even if I had been consulted – which I was not – I would have found it very weird given that they've never consulted me about anything before. Then, if they continued to insist, I would have made it clear that I was a terrible choice of consultant given that I don't know what OPEC and OPEC+ are. Nor am I certain that I know what UAE stands for and where it's located. I think it's in the Middle East but I can't check because I misplaced my map of the world sometime before Christmas. I know it's somewhere in the house but I can't find it. I've looked almost everywhere (except for the storage boxes in the attic but I really don't think it would be in any of those because they’re mostly Christmas decorations and such). Also, if I had got a call from an unknown number in the Middle East, I wouldn't have answered it. I never answer calls from unknown numbers anymore. There's just too many scam calls these days. Something should definitely done about that if you ask me. Anyway, basically what I'm saying is that it would have been insane for the UAE to ask for my advice on this decision and, even if they did, I would have said no because I don't feel my career in a local grocery shop has properly prepared me to advise on major geopolitical issues. To conclude, I reiterate that this was a decision that had nothing to do with me. I hope you can all believe me. Michael Cunningham
Similarities and Differences Between a Bald Eagle and a Human Baby Similarities - No teeth - Not capable of flight in the first ten weeks after birth - Are not the same as golden eagles - Not particularly skilled in the ancient art of origami - Uninformed about the causes of the Franco-Prussian War of 1870 - No appreciation for Renaissance paintings - Unwilling to clarify their position on nuclear proliferation Differences - Bald eagles typically travel alone whereas human babies are usually accompanied by a parent/guardian How to Tell Them Apart As we can see, there are far more similarities than differences between bald eagles and babies so the tell-tale sign is whether or not they're travelling alone.
8 Changes I Would Make to Titanic (1997) 1. I would add eight extra cast members. I don't know what roles they would play but acting is a precarious profession so it would be good to employ more people. 2. Change the name of the film from “Titanic” to “Boat.” This would make it more popular because it would attract interest from fans of all boats, not just fans of the Titanic. 3. Change the name of Jack Dawson's character to Jack “Simon” Dawson and then make the main plot about why his parents chose to give him that middle name (we eventually learn that it's because his deceased grandfather was called Simon). 4. Change the setting to a different ocean. 5. Insert a 45-minute scene in which we see the damage caused to the iceberg because it's important for viewers to understand there were two objects impacted by the collision that night. 6. Fewer deaths (would make it a more upbeat film). 7. The sinking scene goes on too long and doesn't really add anything to the story so I would cut that out. 8. The final scene would see Jack being dramatically rescued from the water by a mystery character on a jet ski, who is revealed to be his grandfather Simon (he faked his own death for unexplained reasons).
Reasons Why I'm Not on Artemis 2 - Am prone to travel sickness on journeys of more than 75km and I'm almost certain the moon is further away than that. - I don't know any of the other astronauts and I don't think they know me either so we probably wouldn't have anything to talk about. - Would have missed Gogglebox. I know I could have watched it on Catch Up when I got back but I feel it's one of those shows that's best enjoyed as it airs. - I don't really believe in the moon as a concept. - Worried I might be put in charge of the controls which could lead to my lack of training being exposed. - Told my dad I had a shoulder injury to get out of helping him to mow the lawn on Tuesday so he would have found it suspicious if he saw me taking part in a major space mission the next day. - Wasn't sure if I had to provide my own spacesuit and felt like I had left it too late to ask the people at NASA for clarification. - Have a dental appointment next Wednesday and didn't want to miss it because it's a very busy practice and it usually takes weeks to reschedule.
How to Escape If You're Ever Forced to Walk the Plank by 16th Century Pirates 1. Ask to exercise your legal right to speak privately with your lawyer. Pirates may be bloodthirsty barbarians but they still have to abide by the law 2. Your lawyer will hopefully be able to find a loophole in 16th century maritime law that can be used to undermine the pirates' case against you (if not, you should hire a new lawyer) 3. Most 16th century pirates hoard their treasure instead of using it to assemble a team of expert legal advisors so they probably won't be able to successfully dispute complex maritime case law 4. This will hopefully result in the charges against you being dropped 5. The pirates will probably then offer to sail you safely back to shore as they will feel guity about wrongfully trying to make you walk the plank. Tell them there are no hard feelings and wish them well on their next pillage.
7 Facts About The Pacific Ocean That You Won't Believe Pictured: Water (one of the main ingredients of the Pacific ocean) 1. The Pacific Ocean is one of the top 11 largest oceans on Planet Earth! 2. The amount of water in the Pacific would fill more than 26 medium-sized buckets. 3. It would take a strong swimmer OVER AN HOUR to swim from one side of the Pacific to the other! 4. Julius Caesar was never farther than 100,000km from the Pacific Ocean at any point in his life. 5. Producers decided not to film the 1962 movie "Lawrence of Arabia" in the Pacific Ocean as they felt it did not look dry enough on camera to plausibly resemble a desert setting. 6. Computer experts advise against dropping your laptop in the Pacific Ocean, claiming that "it is unlikely to function as well afterwards." 7. There are currently no plans for the Pacific Ocean to be renamed "The Atlantic Ocean" as it is thought this could lead to confusion.
How to find out what year you're in if you're transported back in time The Dinosaur Method -Look around you. Are people being chased by dinosaurs? If so, it is somewhere between 250 and 65 million years ago - To narrow it down further, check the news headlines. Are there any reports about an asteroid that's on an imminent collision course with Earth? If so, it is much closer to 65 million years ago The Pompeii Method - Find the nearest internet café and book a flight to Pompeii. When you get there, walk around the city. If everyone is alive and well, it is pre-79AD - However, if you notice that everyone is screaming in terror about the massive volcanic eruption that is currently destroying the city, it is the year 79AD and you should immediately call a taxi to take you back to the airport The Battle of Hastings Method - Check to see if The Battle of Hastings is in progress. If it is finished or has yet to start, it is probably not 1066
Q&A: The Strait of Hormuz Q: What is The Strait of Hormuz? A: I don't know yet. I haven't had time to look it up. Q: Where is it located? A: Again, I haven't found that out yet but I'll probably have some time next week to do some research so hopefully I'll have more information then. Q: How many ships usually pass through it per annum? A: Hard to say. Probably a few. Q: What happens to the global economy if ships are unable to sail through it for weeks or months?? A: Not too sure. Q: Is there an alternative shipping route that could be used? A: Ok, I definitely made a mistake doing this Q&A before I had a chance to research the subject. I could ask my dad, I guess. He might know. Hang on. Ok, I asked my dad and he doesn't know either. He's useless at stuff like this. Q: Is this worse than the oil crisis of the 1970s? A: Hard to compare the two because I don’t know anything about either.
Easy-to-Remember Conversion Chart Gallons to Litres 1 Gallon = 1 Litre Pounds to Kilos 1 Pound = 1 Kilo Fahrenheit to Celcius 1°F = 1°C Inches to Centimetres 1 Inch = 1 Centimetre Feet to Metres 1 Foot = 1 Metre Miles to Kilometres 1 Mile = 1 Kilometre
Nitrogen vs Nitrogen (12:30pm KO) Nitrogen vs Nitrogen (3pm KO) Nitrogen vs Nitrogen (3pm KO) Nitrogen vs Nitrogen (3pm KO) Nitrogen vs Nitrogen (5:30pm KO)
What Happened on This Day Throughout History? On this day in 1,643,891,281BC: Couldn't find any information about this day as there was no recorded history back then. On this day in 3,391,004BC: Same problem with this year unfortunately :( On this day in 264,741BC: I don't believe this. Can't find anything for this day either. On this day in 2,938,603,818: Ok, this has been a disaster. In hindsight, I probably should have selected some specific recent years myself rather than letting an app choose them at random. Major mistake on my part. Hopefully it's still been informative, though.
Sir Michael Statement Regarding Winter Olympics Speed Skating Final 18/2/26 To whom it may concern, It is with a heavy heart that I publish this statement. This evening sees the final of the men's Short Track Speed Skating at the Winter Olympics and it is with a heavy heart that I must announce that I will not be competing in it. Please be assured that I have not taken this decision lightly but, for the following reasons, I believe it to be the right one: - I do not own a pair of skates and feel this would put me at an unfair disadvantage. - I don't know which direction I'm supposed to skate around the circuit and I would feel very embarrassed if I went the wrong way. - I've got a check-up with my dentist at 9:15 tomorrow and I don't want to risk not being back in time because it's a very busy practice and it takes ages to get a new appointment. I have suggested that they should hire an additional dental hygienist but so far they have not listened. - The other skaters might be angry at me for not competing in any of the qualifying rounds. - I've just checked what outfit speed skaters wear (skin-tight onesies) and I don't think I have one of those and I would feel awkward asking one of my competitors if they have a spare suit that I could borrow. - I don't know if it's a communal changing room but I have unusually small nipples that I'm a bit self-conscious about and I don't want the other skaters to make fun of them. I know some people will be disappointed by this news but I ask that you accept my decision and not try to change my mind. Furthermore I ask that you all accept the result of the race and do not discredit the gold medallist's achievement just because he didn't beat me. That is not his fault and he deserves respect regardless. Thank you and good luck to all the competitors in tonight's race.
Map of the world with the following key: Yellow: Throwing M&Ms at each other from across a supermarket car park Red: Taking it in turns to hold aloft a medium sized fish Grey: Other All countries are in grey.
The most beautiful drawing of a horse ever created by mankind
PRESS RELEASE Sir Michael Responds to Criticism of Recent Lee Harvey Oswald Biography I wish to address the controversy surrounding my recent biography of Lee Harvey Oswald. I believe the book to be a tour de force, with some fascinating insights into his life. Unfortunately critics and readers strongly disagree, with many calling it “the worst book ever written” and “the work of an idiot.” Amongst the cruel jibes, one criticism in particular has been repeatedly raised: “Why on earth does he make absolutely no mention of the JFK assassination in a biography of Lee Harvey Oswald?” My response is simple. I made the decision not to mention the JFK assassination for the same reason I chose not to mention the Titanic in my biography of Captain Edward Smith: I just don't see how these events are relevant. Lots of things happen in the course of a person's life and it would be impossible for me to include absolutely everything. I chose to focus on other things instead, such as Oswald's penchant for cinema and Smith's impressive facial hair, and I stand by those choices. I hope this draws a line under the controversy once and for all as I will not be commenting further on this matter. It is time to look forward, not backwards. Speaking of which, I am excited to announce the release of my next biography, which is a detailed look at the life of Napoleon Bonaparte. It will be released in the autumn and I am pleased to report that it contains no mentions of Waterloo, the retreat from Moscow or either of his two exiles. I did not consider any of these events important enough to supplant the sixteen chapters I've written about his taste in headwear.
How to Tell if Your Brother is on a Horse 1. Look through your brother's bank statements and see if he has recently hired or purchased a horse. If he has, the chances of him now being on a horse just increased considerably. 2. Check where your brother's feet currently are in relation to the ground. If they're a few feet off the ground and separated by the width of a horse, there is a chance he might be on a horse. 3. Sneak into your brother's bedroom and read his diary. If last night's entry mentions that he's got a horseriding appointment today, there is a strong possibility that your brother is now on a horse. 4. Ask your brother if he'd mind you sitting directly behind him. If he says "no, there's enough room for both of us on this horse," that could be a sign that he is currently on a horse.
Turkey, Spinach and Ricotta Lasagne Serves: 2-3 Preparation time: 10 minutes Cooking time: 20 minutes Ingredients: avocado oil, 1 small onion (chopped finely) 2-3 garlic cloves (chopped finely), 100g frozen spinach, 1 free-range egg (beaten), 5000g turkey mince, 100g ricotta, 200g lasagne sheets, 300ml tomato pasta sauce, 50g grated cheese, sea salt and black pepper 1. Begin to heat the tomato sauce in a saucepan on a low heat. 2. Add the avocado oil to a frying pan on high heat and cook the onions until translucent. 3. Next, add the garlic for 2 minutes and then add 5000g of turkey mince. 4. Next, ask yourself if the preceding instructions sound right. They don't, do they? 5000g of turkey mince is insane. And why are you cooking the sauce first? And do you really think you can make lasagne in 30 minutes? That's ridiculous. These are clearly not helpful instructions so why have you been following them? 5. Have you always been someone who blindly follows instructions from people who claim to know what they're doing? Do you think this stems from the relationship you had with one or both of your parents? Do you have a history of subjugating yourself to people you view as authority figures? Recommendation: Forget about making lasagne and work on your assertiveness instead. You are your own person but you're letting other people control your life. Make lasagne later. Start making the new you now.
My Foolproof Strategy to Win The Traitors (as a traitor) I would wear a green traitors' cloak to breakfast one morning. But doesn't that make me look like a traitor? Absolutely not because I would then reveal that it's a knock-off cloak which I bought from a dubious street vendor nicknamed Contraband Craig. I would then take out my real traitors' cloak and compare the stitching of the two garments, proving beyond doubt that the knock-off cloak is a bootleg. This would throw my fellow players off the scent because they would assume that an actual traitor has no need to purchase an inferior quality cloak on the black market. I would then put both cloaks away and march serenely to victory. Afterwards, I would donate a significant portion of my prize money to Contraband Craig so that he can finally go legit.
Cloud Computing The 6 Facts You Need to Know 1. To understand, cloud computing, think of a briefcase with dozens of files in it. Just imagine what that would look like. Got it? Good! Well, cloud computing is the exact opposite of that. 2. Several moderately successful businesspeople use cloud computing, including a landscape gardener in Estonia and a guy I went to school with who sometimes wears a hat. 3. Some experts predict that by the year 2100, over TWO HUNDRED different files will be stored on the cloud! 4. Peregrine falcons are the fastest creatures on Earth and can travel at 200 miles per hour. 5. Sorry, I accidentally pasted a fact about peregrine falcons into number 4 and I don't know how to delete it. That was intended for a different project that I'm working on about peregrine falcons. It is not related to cloud computing so please disregard. 6. The mix-up with the peregrine falcon fact has caused me to lose my train of thought and I have now forgotten what the final fact was going to be. Sorry about that. Hopefully I will remember it soon.
Horses: The 6 Facts You Need to Know 1. The fastest thing in the world is either the speed of light or a horse. Scientists have not been able to determine which is faster yet because they are both very fast. 2. A horse can run faster than a man. Therefore, getting a piggyback from a man will not fully prepare you for the speed of horseriding. 3. Most horses are unable to read so if you wish to communicate with a horse, don't waste your time writing a note or sending an email. 4. The majority of horses have no concept of time. So if a horse neglects to wish you happy birthday or happy Christmas, don't take it personally. 5. I heard a rumour once which claimed that horses have x-ray vision and it enables them to see through 3 layers of clothing. I don't know if it's true but I always wear 4 layers of clothes when there are horses around, just to be on the safe side. 6. Horses struggle to walk up and down flights of stairs so if you need something from upstairs, it's faster to get it yourself.
Michael's Movie Reviews for 2025 - One Battle After Another Review: Didn't get a chance to see this one unfortunately. Rating out of 9: n/a - Avatar: Fire and Ash Review: Hadn't see the previous Avatars so didn't feel ready to watch this one yet. Rating out of 9: n/a - 28 Years Later Review: Was going to watch this but did something else instead. Rating out of 9: n/a - Sinners Review: Saw an ad for this but didn't see the actual film itself. Rating out of 9: n/a - Mission Impossible: The Final Reckoning Review: Wasn't interested in watching this one, tbh, so I didn't. Rating out of 9: n/a - Weapons Review: Meant to watch this but then I forgot to. Rating out of 9: n/a - F1: The Movie Review: Good idea to make a film about a keyboard button but haven't seen it yet. Rating out of 9: n/a - Superman Review: Planned on watching this today but decided to write this review instead. Rating out of 9: n/a
Michael's New Year's Resolutions for 2025 - Don't hold any large pieces of furniture above my head for more than 8 hours at a time ✅ - Avoid getting trapped in a submarine with a celebrity horse ✅ - Say the word “the” at least once during July ✅ - Don't cross the Indian Ocean unaided ✅ - Try not to discover any new planets and/or galaxies ✅ - Refrain from interfering in the trade negotiations between Canada and the Mercosur bloc ✅
Four hotel door signs. The first one is red and reads, "DO NOT DISTURB (unless you bring good news regarding my nephew's battle with athlete's foot. It would make my day to hear that his feet are less itchy than they have been in recent months)" The second one is blue and reads, "DO NOT DISTURB (unless you've just seen a really cool cloud formation and you think I'd like to check it out. In that case, I don't mind being disturbed at all)" The third one is green (I think - I'm extremely colourblind so I'm not certain) and reads, "DO NOT DISTURB (unless there's a local production of Grease that's about to go on stage but the actor playing Danny Zuko is ill and the director thinks I'd be an ideal stand-in. In that case, let me know at once)" The fourth one is maybe purple (again, very colourblind) and reads, "DO NOT DISTURB (unless you have evidence that clears my name of suspicion in The Case of The Hat Bandit, in which several hats were stolen from the heads of people in my town between 2001 and 2005. It has never been solved).
Changes I Would Make to Home Alone 1. The film would be set in the summer (there are more than enough Christmas films already). 2. Instead of being left home alone, Kevin would accompany his family on their trip. 3. To ensure the title of the film is still relevant, I would change the family surname to Homealone. 4. Instead of being a child (not relatable for adult audiences), Kevin Homealone would be an adult (relatable for adult audiences). 5. The Wet Bandits would be children, who have not yet turned to crime. They have no role in the film and are never mentioned. It is unclear why they are called The Wet Bandits. 6. At their Airbnb, the Homealones discover a recently deceased body. 7. For convoluted reasons, they have to pretend that the corpse is alive so they put sunglasses on it, which somehow fools everyone. 8. The rest of the film plays out exactly like Weekend at Bernie's.
Changes I Would Make to The Sopranos 1. Tone down the violence. Not necessary. 2. Lose the swearing. Viewers don't want to hear that sort of thing. This could be done by having the opening scene involve Tony and his friends agreeing to a “No Swearing” challenge. 3. Drop the mafia stuff. Doesn't add anything to the story. 4. Instead, Tony manages a reputable shoe shop. 5. No guns. The manager of a reputable shoe shop has no use for weapons. 6. Tony's surname should also be Tony. This would make it easier for viewers to remember his full name. 7. The main storyline could be about the challenges of running a physical shoe shop in the age of online shopping. 8. Tony's best friends should all be sopranos in a local choir so that the title of the show makes sense. 9. Every episode ends with the choir singing a lovely song about their friend Tony Tony.
Ideas to Make The Traitors Even Better - Each of the players who are selected as traitors will wear a hat at all times. - These hats will have a large letter T embroidered on the front (this will help viewers to remember which players are the traitors). - The faithful players are not permitted to wear a hat. Unless they really want to, in which case they will be allowed to wear a hat which has the letter F embroidered on the front. - Traitors and faithfuls are not allowed to swap hats. - If anyone loses their hat, they must go to the nearby shed to get a new hat. This is The Hat Shed. - Players must wait until they are outside The Hat Shed before they put their new hat on. - Any player who wears a hat inside The Hat Shed will be deducted 1.9 points. - The Hat Shed will close at 10:04pm every night, except on Thursdays when it will close at a slightly different time.
Excuse Form Name: Date: Event you cannot attend: I will be unable to attend the above event as I will be participating in the selected event below with my good friend Sir Michael, who, as you can see, has corroborated my claim: - Important business meeting - Unimportant business meeting - Cutting each other's hair - Michael is teaching me a new way to memorise the alphabet - We are thinking of building a treehouse together. It's not definite yet but we're doing some preliminary research on it. - Michael is comforting me about the tragic loss of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago - Trying on each other's shoes The above excuse has been officially corroborated by Sir Michael. Signed: Sir Michael
How to Become a Successful Businessperson 1. You need to prove to yourself that you're serious about being a successful businessperson so call your current boss and quit your job. This will focus your mind on becoming a successful businessperson. 2. If you are in a relationship, end it immediately. Tell your partner that you've got business to do and you don't want to be distracted by their attempts to love you. 3. Start your first day the right way - by getting up at lunchtime. This will ensure you feel rested for your first day of business. Also, you'll be up just in time for lunch, which you should try to make a business lunch. 4. Have a long business lunch. At least 5 to 6 hours. If your business lunch lasts less than that, consider having a business snack immediately afterwards. 5. Your first order of business after lunch should be to purchase a new desk. This will be your business desk. If you already have a perfectly good desk, take it outside and burn it. This will ensure there's plenty of room in your house for your new desk. 6. When sitting at your new business desk, think of an ingenious business idea. Not roller skates, though. Someone already thought of that. 7. Once you have thought of your ingenious business idea, find a customer and sell it to them for at least 100 (unless the customer considers that price too high, in which case you should reduce the price to something more affordable). 8. Now that your business is thriving, you have almost made it as a successful businessperson. However, you will need to expand the business to continue being successful. So at this point, consider purchasing a second desk.
The Pros & Cons of The Wikipedia Page on Doors Pros 1. Is a useful source of information about doors 2. Provides a pretty good overview on the history of doors 3. Contains several enjoyable pictures of doors Cons 1. Not quite enough pictures of doors for my liking Conclusion As we can see, there are more pros than cons so my final rating for The Wikipedia page on Doors is 6/9. To put this in context, this means that The Wikipedia Page on Doors is worse than Getting a Nice Haircut (7/9) but better than Being Trapped in a Freezer (2/9).
The Evolution of Horses Throughout History Earliest Horse (roamed the Earth millions of years ago) [Black square: No photo available as cameras had not been invented at this point in history] Mid-era horse (roamed the Earth thousands of years ago) [Black square: No photo available as cameras had not been invented at this point in history] Modern-day horse (roams the Earth now) [Picture of a horse]
Amazing Facts About the Solo System 1. The sun is so far away from Earth that you would need to tie together ELEVEN stepladders to reach it. Do not use twelve, though, because then you would overshoot the sun and we do not know what lies behind this might circle of fiery wrath 2. The solo system of 9 planets (Earth, Mars, Juliper, Plato, Moon, Sun, Nursa Major, International Space System, don't remember what the last one is called - will look it up and fill it in here before I post) 3. Our solo system is almost 150 years old. The only people who were alive for its formation are now so old that we cannot get any sense out of them. They are kept alive only by medical science and their determination to keep voting for racists in elections 4. Many monkeys were sent into the solo system as captains of the early spaceships. They have yet to come back, leading many experts to conclude that the monkeys have formed an alliance somewhere in space and will one day return to wreak a terrible vengeance upon us for casting them into space. WE NEED TO START PREPARING OUR DEFENCES FOR WHEN THE MONKEY ALLIANCE ATTACKS
Bobby The Very Tall Squirrel Once upon a time, there lived a squirrel who was over 8 feet tall! His name was Bobby and his favourite food was hazelnuts. Unfortunately squirrels weren't meant to be 8 feet tall and, unsurprisingly, Bobby was unable to find enough food to sustain himself through winter. Bobby died in January, his existence a meaningless footnote in an uncaring universe (a fate that awaits us all). Other squirrels attended his funeral but did so out of courtesy and not because they particularly liked him. The End
PREDICTIONS FOR SUMMER 2025 1. Summer 2025 will be forever known as “The Summer of Soup” 2. My new gang, “The Soup Troops”, will receive at least 2.5 million membership applications 3. Led by me, The Soup Troops will conquer at least one plot of land, which we will immediately declare independent and we will then rename it Soupland 4. I will be elected President of Soupland in a landslide vote 5. I will purge Soupland of any dissidents and anyone who I suspect is only pretending to like soup RESULTS (August 20th) 1. Sad to report this has not really caught on yet :( 2. Membership applications currently stand at four, one of which I suspect is not a genuine application because it just says “SOUP SUCKS!!!!” and the requisite fields have not been completed 3. The Soup Troops and I attempted to seize the north corner of the local park but we were chased away by several wasps. 4. Soupland presidential election remains undecided as Colin has lost the key to the ballot box (he thinks he left it in his nan's house but she's away on holiday at the moment) 5. I am starting to fear an uprising. There has been a lot of anger within the Soup Troops rank and file since I unwisely ordered a sandwich for lunch instead of soup at Friday's Party Congress :(