Anton Chigurlboss 🏳️‍⚧

@skeiser.bsky.social

2027 Followers 2197 Following

41 y/o ND she/they aspec/arospec transfemme in Philly. Standup comic, writer and aspiring muscle mommy for hire. Obscure references make the Sue Keiser Difference™. Needless to say, 18+, MDNI susantkeiser@gmail.com

Wikipedia entry of the late great Vincent Pastore (1945-2026), best known as Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero on the HBO drama "The Sopranos". The text most pertinent to this joke reads as follows: "In 2006 he made his Broadway debut in the musical CHICAGO as a replacement playing Amos Hart." (Photo of Pastore at a fan convention circa 2013 (larger-framed white man in his mid-to-late sixties with a full head of curly salt-and-pepper hair wearing a sherbet-orange polo shirt, as if college basketball coach Bruce Pearl, Sr. needed a body double.)
[Facebook post by Susan Keiser, 4 minutes-ish ago] If I am not mistaken, today (July 30/31) marks the fifth anniversary of finally coming out to myself as a trans woman. I can't say I don't care about being seen as the woman I am. I can't say I don't still feel extremely dysphoric most of the time. But I know I'm a woman, and trans, and a trans woman, and those are three of the things I'm proudest of being, among so much else. I just want people to see me for who I am (or to shut up about not seeing it), and to see that more in the mirror myself. The important thing is knowing what I want, what I need, and working towards both while still being happy with my journey so far. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support. I love you all. [See less]
Susan (white bald trans woman in her early forties wearing a black blouse adorned with white stars, a pair of large rectangular-framed glasses, and the yellow strap of a Trader Joe's bag), on her 42nd birthday, in front of a black painted storefront with near-bare branches, white door with an insect screen, and a window with a small LED neonish sign that glows "Embrace ur freak!"[sic] behind her right shoulder (so to the left of her).
480p screen grab of German comedian Maria Clara Groppler wearing the tattered Reebok replica jersey of Hall of Very Good Auburn and NFL linebacker Takeo Spikes from his sole season with the Philadelphia Eagles, 2007. GEH VÖGEL, SCHWACHKOPF!!!!!
Paperback from around 1982 for James M. Cain's 1947 novel THE BUTTERFLY, announcing "NOW A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE" with a promotional still of Pia Zadora wearing only a very loose flowered scarf(?!) with much of her scantily clad body tastefully obscured by a shadow while sitting in the front seat of a truck. Ms. Zadora won two Razzies and a somewhat dubious Golden Globe Award as Best Female Newcomer that year for her role as Kady, which was essentially purchased by her then-husband Meshulam Riklis by wining and dining the otherwise infallible Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
The Phillie Phanatic soaking up his well deserved kudos
Howard Jarvis (1903-1986), a conservative politician and activist, who spearheaded California's successful Proposition 13 ballot initiative in 1978 which capped property taxes and the power to raise taxes in the Golden State without a 2/3 vote in the state legislature. So, fuck him for choking public funding in what would still be one of the world's biggest economies if California were its own nation. This is a screenshot of Jarvis (white man in trenchcoat in his mid-seventies wearing glasses) from what has become his biggest legacy: his role as Ted Stryker's cab fare in the 1980 Zucker/Abrahams/Zucker film AIRPLANE! He is stuck in the backseat of an early 1970's sedan converted into an otherwise unmanned taxi, spray-painted yellow and with yellow hubcaps (the cab, not Mr. Jarvis).
The Sewer Boys from DICKS: THE MUSICAL (two humanoid puppets with monstrous faces who look like old balding men in a spa bath, but with diapers instead of towels wrapped around their hips, held behind a cage.)
Citizens Bank checking account balance of -$69.79. It is probably inflated due to late fees that should be refunded due to getting it "up" to 21 cents, but the way they do it is so fucked up, they might even add onto this for all I know. So think of it as a whopping 21 cents. My other account has a whopping 24 cents, after having to transfer from that account over to here via PayPal just to get it above zero
New York Knicks-style logo, but instead of "NEW YORK" in small blue letters and "KNICKS" in giant orange letters outlined in blue, it reads: REMEMBER IN THE 1996 WHOOPI GOLDBERG MOVIE EDDIE WHERE THE OWNER TRIED TO MOVE THE KNICKS TO ST. LOUIS (grey, blue and orange logo featuring a basketball in front of a grey triangle, normally the wordmark above the ball would say "KNICKS" and the blue text above it would say "NEW YORK", instead of my niche joke pointing out a major flaw in a 30-year-old movie's plot.) logo created using: http://pixelframe.design/new-york-knicks-logo-font-generator/
1980 black and white photo of a middle-aged man with salt-and-pepper hair and smoking a cigarette while wearing a suit and tie and a pensive smirk on his face. There are microphones in front of him.
Citizens Bank checking account balance of -$52.77 as of 10:14 pm, Thursday, June 11, 2026. I am in the middle of moving a friend and this passed my mind. My deepest apologies for my keep having to do this shit. I have $10 cash and $32 in a second account to last me until next Wednesday. Thank you very much.
Susan (white trans woman in her early forties, wearing a wavy auburn wig, glasses, plastic beads (one each of red, blue and green), a pink and black "she/they" pronoun pin with the pink "she" part made illegible by the sun, and a black T-shirt with the old Philadelphia Eagles logo and the text "LGBT: LET'S GO BIRDS TRANSSEXUAL"). HAPPY PRIDE, EVERYONE!!!!!
The June 1, 2026 Google doodle 'celebrating' the kickoff to Pride month. It features a vaguely queer lavender-tinted disco ball representing the second "O" in "GOOGLE" with light red, yellow, and blue streaks surrounding the ball, and the rest of the text represented in lavender and light royal blue 70's-coded neon font. A vague purplish shadow is underneath, with specks of light as if the ball is illuminating a, um, empty floor. This was in light mode (I know), and on the live site, the disco ball twirls like one does. This makes me almost miss the fucking neoliberal "corporate Memphis" flat art shit of the late 2010's. The most DON'T SAY GAY-ass tribute to pride I've seen yet, but the month has just begun. URRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH.
A VHS copy of the 2004 indie and/or TV movie THE SLEEPY TIME GAL, starring Jacqueline Bisset (middle-aged white lady holding her hands together pensively while in front of a greenish background). I have no idea what this is about.
The WAFFLE HOUSE logo (Yellow square blocks with bold capital letters inside each square, as if the words it makes are stacked one atop each other), spelling out: A TRANS PERSON PEED HERE AND NO ONE NOTICED (made by me via the Waffle House Logo Font Generator: https://pixelframe.design/waffle-house-font-logo-generator/)
Screenshot from the early 1990's Saturday Night Live skit "Happy Fun Ball" where a handful of 35 year-old kids go "IT'S HAPPY... IT'S FUN... IT'S HAPPY FUN BALL!!!" followed by several minutes of Phil Hartman espousing increasingly horrible disclaimers about Happy Fun Ball, including "WARNING: PREGNANT WOMEN, THE ELDERLY AND CHILDREN UNDER 10 SHOULD AVOID PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO HAPPY FUN BALL."
The 2020's retro-style Burger King logo with two words in red balloonish font between two orange buns with the slogan HAVE IT YOUR WAY in thick dark brown Cooper Black-ish font, but it reads as follows: KING FUCKER Chicken
Houston Astros All-Star pitcher Claude "Frenchy" Raymond, in a crouching position with his fly open on his 1966 Topps Baseball card. He is wearing a road jersey with the word HOUSTON obscured by the folds of the uniform and by the glove on his left hand. Raymond, a native of Quebec, played from 1959 to 1971, mostly as a reliver for the Braves, Astros, and the expansion Montreal Expos. He would also become the French-language radio announcer for Montreal from 1972 to 2001, and the English-radio announcer for the Expos in their final season in 2004.
Graphic from Google's preview of tonight's Game 2 of the first-round NBA Eastern Conference playoff series between the Philadelphia 76ers and the Boston Celtics, with the logos of each team on the top and showing the win probabilities of both on a tug-of-war style bar: 76ers (in royal blue): 13% Celtics (in green): 87% As a Sixers fan, fuck this mediocre franchise and their neutral evil (GM Daryl Morey) to outright evil (Epstein pick-me Josh Harris) front office and ownership. (The players are fine, I guess.)
Tweet from the late, great ESPN reporter Pedro Gomez (@pedrogomezESPN), mistyping while reporting a game delay due to an intense dust storm, also known as a haboob: @Rangers and @Dbacks delayed in downtown Phoenix because a baboon went through town and overloaded the grid, knocking some lights out. 7/31/18, 12:09 AM 1585 Retweets 3819 Likes
Email sent to me today (3/24/26): YOUR ACCOUNT IS OVERDRAWN. ACT NOW. Bill for [Bank] Total: $40.22, due Mar 23 Total amount due: $40.22 Due Date: Yesterday [sic] (3/23/26)
Legendary character actor M. Emmet Walsh (1935-2024), standing inside an open telephone booth with the receiver cradled by his neck and holding a cowboy hat with his left hand as an 18-wheeler passes by in the 1984 Coen Brothers film BLOOD SIMPLE.
Susan (white trans woman in her early 40's, wearing a long-sleeved denim blouse and a black T-shirt with an old-school Kelly green Philadelphia Eagles logo peeking out, donning translucent-framed large-lensed glasses, red lipstick, and a wind-swept curly auburn reddish wig)
Susan (white trans woman in her early 40's, with glasses and a black and grey heather beanie covering her bald head, and wearing a pink T-shirt with thin white horizontal stripes and its shoulder rolled up to expose her right bicep, which is curling a 1-gallon bottle of Turkey Hill Diet Iced Tea). She is down to about a half-gallon a day and somewhere around 325 lbs., though the 50-plus pound weight loss is largely due to the GLP-1's necessary for her to eventually get a much needed hernia operation (she wears a hernia brace during each workout, which she is medically cleared for, and has not experienced any issues with it so far). The background is a city park at dusk.
blurry low-res print from an ad in the June 1962 issue of National Geographic, which reads: THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2026. REMEMBER THIS DATE... IT'S DOOMSDAY ["Doomsday" is underlined, and November 13 of this year falls on a Friday.] The rest of the ad (not shown) features hundreds of words in a much smaller font talking about how on that inaccurate date the Earth's human population would reach 50 billion (with a "b"), triggering the point of no return for mass starvation... unless such corporations as American Cyanamid lead the way in antibiotics and pesticides, preventing the nightmare of such similar places as Japan and New Jersey having 10,000 people per square mile.
A 300g jar of Nutricost brand Creatine Monohydrate held in a white trans woman's hand while in line at a major problematic big box retailer. (It's Walmart.)
Teaser poster for the 1980 disaster film (in both genre and production) VIRUS, featuring a literal mountain on people in montage form with a gender-obscure white person hugging a Japanese man stop what appears to be a group of polar explorers, Sherpas, and Scuba divers, which is itself atop a mountain surrounded by a cityscape to the left, Antarctica to the right, and a submarine emerging from the sea at the bottom. The top text reads (spoilers): "1982: Mankind Has Been Wiped Out Except 863 Persons on Antarctica WHO WILL INHERIT THE EARTH?"
Susan Keiser (white trans woman in her early 40's with glasses, earbuds, and wearing a beanie and a blue heather hoodie at a Planet Fitness) on her first trip to the gym in years.
Susan (white bald trans lady in her early 40's with glasses, black wireless earphones and a plum purple winter coat) in front of a multi-paneled window with a blue and pink neon sign that reads VINNIE'S BARBERSHOP. I shaved it on Monday so my wigs could fit better, and what do I do on this relatively nice day? I left both of them at home.
Canadian actress Christine "Moose" McGlade (white teenager and/or young woman with long dark curly hair, wearing what appears to be a swimsuit, purple with black v-stripes) on the iconic 1980's children's TV series YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION. She is being "slimed" (having green-colored viscous liquid poured over her) after saying "I don't know.
BDSM test results that identify me as "The Mannequin" (submissive-leaning puppet and rope bunny): Bound and blank. Restraint silences your body, control silences your mind. You disappear into perfect stillness. (so basically, I'd rather be transformed than fucked) My partner (lol because honestly, I'm a one-woman show) would be "The Mirrored" (switch; puppet/puppeteer): You control and you're controlled. The dynamic inverts on a dime.
Picture of Susan (bald white trans woman in her early 40's, almost completely shaved head but with eyebrows intact, and with her one studded earring on her left as well as lipstick on her lips). She still has leftover hair on her bare shoulders and elsewhere, and needs another run with the Dollar Tree Lady Mach 3 or whatever for the spots she inevitably missed on the back of her head.
Public service ad from around the mid-1980's showing legendary Philadelphia Phillies infielder Mike Schimdt in uniform holding a pint of milk with his right hand, and his gap-toothed upper teeth showing underneath his milk-less trademark mustache in front of a blue background. Next to his face is a giant cartoon quote bubble going HOLY COW! and below the square panel text in a smaller but similar font saying MILK HAS LESS THAN 4% FAT! Beneath that are the words "Middle-Atlantic Milk Marketing Association" in a much smaller, non-cartoonish font.
A 26 or 27-year-old DeForest Kelley (1920-1999) in the 1947 Maxwell Shane film noir classic FEAR IN THE NIGHT (based on "Nightmare" by Cornell Woolrich), wearing a white tanktop that exposes his taut, hairy chest.
Chyron for a mid-2000's ESPN segment called JACKED UP, wherein their commentators would highlight the concussion-inducing plays of the day, only a few years before "Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy" would become a household term. I am not depressed enough to check on how many people in these segments have passed away and had confirmed cases of CTE, nor do I immediately know how many of those still alive are experiencing symptoms, but the number is definitely not zero.
Google Image Seach photo showing far-right grifter Jacob Wohl (young top-heavy roided-up guy with big arms and chest, four-and-a-half pack abs, and chicken legs wearing nothing but a green pair of swim shorts with a black or dark blue drawstring.) At top left is the site header for wikiFeet Men (accompanied with a blue circular logo featuring a pink/purple feet silhouette). Underneath the photo reads "Jacob Wohl's feet" and "Images may be subject to copyright. LEARN MORE"
Bank statement of @skeiser.bsky.social showing a -$23.81 balance before additional overdraft fees. For transparency, user also has another bank account, which currently has less than $9 and is replenished a whopping $60 by her rep payee once a week. She makes less than $100/mo on Patreon and even less from her fledgling standup career, and is currently on disability after four inpatient stays from late 2022 to mid-2024 due to major depressive disorder and other mental health issues. Thank you very much for your understanding.
Black-and-white concept illustration of the never-built Fokker F26 aircraft, circa 1946. Never intended to be actually manufactured, the F26 looks is a stout airplane similar to contemporary aircraft save for two giant jet engines directly underneath the fuselage. They make the plane look as though it has big tits.
Me holding a 4x5 signed photo of actor M. Emmet Walsh (1935-2024), best known for his lead role in BLOOD SIMPLE and supporting roles in such films as THE JERK, BLADE RUNNER, CRITTERS, and BACK TO SCHOOL. Photo features a jowly white man with white hair, bushy eyebrows and mutton chops, wearing a black, white, and yellow striped shirt. The autograph underneath his photo reads: Best Wishes, M. Emmet Walsh in semi-cursive handwriting and the capital "E" drawn to look like a little face with stick figure legs underneath. The M. stands for "Michael".
Self-portrait (circa 1932) of American Regionalist painter Grant Wood (1891-1942), showing a white man with close-cropped sandy hair in round-rimmed glasses wearing a turquoise-grey V-neck shirt in front of a farm landscape. The landscape features a yellow-ish sky and a large weather vane at the right of the portrait. Wood, best known for his iconic 1930 painting American Gothic, has a chin that looks like a pair of buttocks.
Selfie of Susan Keiser, a 41-year-old white trans woman wearing a pink fleece sweater, purple coat, glasses, and a black hat with hair extensions forming a ponytail. She is in a dive bar restroom adorned with stickers and graffiti, and is about to co-host a holiday open mic. She is wearing a shaving cream beard, as she is about to enter the stage pretending to be Santa Claus, but her Wet N' Wild lipstick makes her look like The Joker.
A grey mug with blue yellow and green bubble and cursive font which says HAPPY HOLIDAYS from Susan Keiser
Review from my Letterboxd account (https://letterboxd.com/SoSueMe/) of Yorgos Lanthimos' 2025 film BUGONIA: *** Watched 07 Dec 2025 Thanks, I hate it (complimentary). [no likes yet]
Movie poster for the 1930 "Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer ALL TAKING picture" MADAM SATAN, featuring Kay Johnson in a scantily clad dress barely covering her chest and navel, and a horned mask. The exploding zeppelin in the background kinda spoils the ending to the movie.
The infamous Wawa GOBBLER, a hot turkey hoagie full of stuffing and cranberry sauce on a 10" roll, laying on its wrapper next to an unopened half gallon on a wooden and black painted concrete bench.
Chalkboard prompt imploring visitors to Philly AIDS Thrift in Philadelphia: I'D RATHER BE A ROBOT (less than 20 votes, taken just before I cast my vote for robotification) A VAMPIRE (43 votes)
1985 press conference photo of the USFL's New Jersey Generals head coach Walt Michaels in between his team's quarterback, 1984 Heisman Trophy winner Doug Flutie, and (sigh) the team's owner Donald Trump. It is being held in a marble-interior room at Trump Tower, with a gigantic blue circular team logo featuring the word "Generals" on the bottom in a red Italic serif font, underneath a five-star oak-leaf cluster military insignia. The Generals, as a team, weren't bad, with Flutie and Georgia legend Herschel Walker leading the offense, and in a league whose best teams could genuinely compete with at least the middle of the NFL pack. That said, Trump led an aggressive and ultimately failed push for the original United States Football League to directly compete with the NFL by getting the season eventually move to the fall, which forced the move of some of its better teams in established NFL strongholds such as Philadelphia and Detroit, as well as an infamous anti-trust suit in which the USFL won in 1986, but was awarded one dollar (later amended to about $3.76).
Sports Illustrated cover from late in Joe Flacco's rookie season in 2008 with the following text over the body of Pittsburgh Steeler Lamarr Woodley, who is crouching triumphantly over a sacked Flacco: STEEL CURTAIN II: DEFENSE That Same Old December Song in the NFL by Jim Trotter
Wikipedia entry for Paul Shaffer, David Letterman's longtime band leader, and the co-writer of the legendary Weather Girls one-hit wonder "It's Raining Men". The text between the header and the opening paragraph (and his trademark bald forehead) reads as follows: For the United States military aide to Iran, see Paul R. Shaffer. For the French holocaust survivor, see Paul Schaffer. For the Chilean cult leader, see Paul Schäfer.
Screenshot from the "Homie the Clown" episode of THE SIMPSONS, with the legendary Dick Cavett hosting the "Regional ACE Awards" (The CableACE Awards [sic] were given out in the 1990's to cable programming in a bid to claim prestige before the Emmys were more inclusive of non-network entities. Ask your grandparents.) The Frinkiac pseudo-Matt Groening font caption reads: MY TIME'S ALMOST UP HERE, SO I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY I KNOW WOODY ALLEN. (scattered applause)
Screenshot of the 1995 "The Simpsons" episode "The Springfield Connection" (the one where Marge becomes a quickly disillusioned cop and accidental counterfeit jeans wearhouser), showing a bored Marge's two yellow feminine hands holding a copy of SPONGE AND VACUUM magazine, with a wet yellow sponge and the headline: PREVIEW OF THE '96 SPONGES
Screenshot from a 2000's Chilean ad for CERVEZA CRISTAL spliced into a scene from the original STAR WARS (none of this "A New Hope" bullshit). Obi Wan Kenobi is about to give Luke Skywalker a lightsaber (I think) but instead he opens a cooler and gives him a nice CERVEZA CRISTAL (accompanied by a bass baritone voice singing "CERVEZA CRISTAL" the way Rod Stewart sang "FOREVER YOUNG").
Screenshot of one-time Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Kansas Jayhawks head football coach Charlie Weis, Sr. from a 1989 interview with NJN (New Jersey's public broadcaster at the time). Weis, all of 33-years-old and a former assistant at South Carolina at the time, was in his first and only season coaching Franklin High School in Franklin Township. After winning the state title that year, he would go on to spend fifteen years in the NFL before coaching Notre Dame and, um, Kansas, among other assistant coaching jobs. (White man in his early-to-mid thirties but looks both much older with his chubby face and apparent unibrow, and much younger with a 10-year-old boy's bowl cut if it also had bangs, on a high school athletic field on a fall afternoon. The Berlin Wall would fall within a month.)
Screenshot of EA Sports NCAA Football 2004, in which I'm about to coach then 1-AA (FCS) Georgia Southern, known forever more for their success employing a run-heavy option offense, to the point where they literally run you out of town if you try to change it. I have *your* Georgia Southern Eagles running the classic Texas Tech Air Raid offense (fuck Art Briles forever, though), with a very aggressive play style. They're passing 69 percent of the time (nice). Having simulated their first season as an D-1 Independent, with a 2:1 FCS-FBS opponent ratio, we went 10-2.
Cleveland Browns starting quarterback Joe Flacco, literally half a lifetime ago getting tackled in what may either be practice or a spring game for the Pitt Panthers circa 2004. He would later transfer to the University of Delaware, get drafted in the first round of the 2008 NFL Draft by Baltimore, and win Super Bowl XLVII with the Ravens. He graduated from Audubon High School in 2003; I was his mascot (the Green Wave, which was essentially Gumby with a pompadour, lockjaw, and jaundice, in 2000 and 2001 before graduating in 2002.