Spank The Monkey

@spanktm.bsky.social

78 Followers 129 Following

Australopithecine specialising in arts and entertainment reviews. Longer-form babbling available at https://spank-the-monkey.co.uk.

A view of a crowded Royal Albert Hall from the choir seats.
The Geographer restaurant in Fort William, with a board outside it containing the lyrics to Donald Shits His Troosers.
Sunley Window 2026 by David Hockney, at Turner Contemporary in Margate
Red Box's 1986 album The Circle & The Square.
Spotted in St Ives harbour: a ship called Dignity
Hopey's band as seen on the cover of Love & Rockets issue #24.
From a wall in Leeds in 2013, a Lovecraftian creature with the hair of Bart Simpson, the eyes of SpongeBob Squarepants, the beak and torso of Donald Duck, the hindquarters of Pepe le Pew, and a crotch that appears to be made from Goofy's mouth.
One night, a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonged to him, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand, and he noticed that many times along the path of his life, there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life. This really bothered him, and he questioned the Lord about it: “Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way. Yet I have noticed during the most troublesome times of my life, there’s only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me.” The Lord replied: “My precious precious child, I love you, and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, that must have been when I was appearing on… Junior Kick Start… Junior Kick Start…”
From front to back - programme booklet for Siren Craft Brew's 13th anniversary beer festival, a half-pint glass of their Zestiny mandarin pale ale, and a tank that may well have been used in its brewing.
The go-go dancers from Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
The covers of LEN DEIGHTON'S ACTION COOK BOOK and LEN DEIGHTON'S FRENCH COOKING FOR MEN.
A policeman putting his hand over the camera lens. In the background, King Arthur and his knights are being arrested.
A truncated notification from YouTube, specifically the Off Menu podcast feed: "Is Chris Packham a bit of a cu..."
That Twin Peaks title meme but for Burnistoun.
The Nancy cartoon by Caroline Cash in which Sluggo complains about his new job that 'they pay me in WOIMS' (spelt w-o-i-m-s for you screen reader people).
The empty stage of the 100 Club. On the left, a backdrop of a leather jacket bearing the title Andrew O'Neill's History Of Punk. On the right, a mic stand. It's the interval, he's not there.
A K-beauty store whose name is spelt M O I D A. It's only just occurred to me that if you're using a screen reader, merely saying the name Moida isn't going to cut it.
Tweet from YourFavoriteGuy: 'Kid Rock was the alternate name for Epstein Island'
The front page of the Edinburgh Evening News from August 13th 2014, a story about the Caledonian Hotel and their plans to introduce outdoor seating. The headline reads SUPER CALEY GOES BALLISTIC, THESE CHAIRS ARE ATROCIOUS.
Photo of Dave Lee Travis
A bookshelf containing copies of the Viz annuals (reading right to left because that's how Google Lens did it): THE WRESTLER'S NECK THE GUARD'S PARCEL THE BARBER'S POLE THE ZOOKEEPER'S BOOT THE COPPER'S TORCH THE WIZARD'S SLEEVE THE TRUMPETER'S LIPS THE PIEMAN'S WIG THE JESTER'S SHOES THE BOOKIE'S PENCIL THE OTTER'S POCKET THE CLEVELAND STEAMER THE FULL TOSS THE TURTLE'S HEAD THE BIG BELL END THE CAMEL'S TOE THE BILLPOSTER'S BUCKET THE PORKY CHOPPER THE FISH SUPPER THE SAUSAGE SANDWICH ON THE BONE THE THICK REPEATER THE SPUNKY PARTS THE RUSTY SHERIFF'S BADGE THE DOG'S BOLLOCKS THE BIG PINK STIFF ONE THE BIG HARD NUMBER TWO THE DUTCH OVEN THE BIG HARD ONE THE ONE-STRING BANJO THE BUTCHER'S DUSTBIN THE COUNCIL GRITTER THE LAST TURKEY IN THE SHOP THE PEARL NECKLACE THE PAN HANDLE THE FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE THE BEAR TRAPPER'S HAT THE BAG OF SLUGS THE CLOWN'S PIE THE HANGMAN'S NOOSE And I just hope somebody appreciates the alt text.
Incredibly stylised illustration of a man on a horse leading a parade of people down a street, watched by several wild animals.
Poster for the movie Animal Totem, featuring a man in a black suit pulling a wheeled suitcase across a field.
The merch stand for the Paris stage production of La Haine.
Poster for Bob L'Eponge: Le Film
Poster for the film Vie Privee
Cover of Who Killed The JAMs? (1988)
A badge on Untappd illustrated with a big number 500 and reading "LEGENDARY. Your beer tastes are legendary. That's over 500 different brews!"
At the Royal Albert Hall, waiting for the sumo to start.
The words 'EVERYONE IS INVITED' on top of a luridly coloured background, as seen in the LFF 2025 trailer.
Sunset over Lockwood Way.
A can of Harvestfest beer made by the nice people at Pretty Decent.
A Blackhorse Beer Mile card with stamps from all nine bars on the route.
A half of Roadie in front of the tanks at Signature Brew.
Half of Don Westie at Pretty Decent. Just one more to go after this...
A half of Fermie Sanders in the Exale taproom. (Note the mittens on the pump clip.)
A glass of Tre Monti Albana Orange from the benches outside Borough Wines.
Half of Stargirl at 40ft Brewery.
Half of Jamboree outside the all-new East London Brewing Co taproom.
Glass of Courtney at Renegade Wines. Zoom in for more info.
A half of Two Flints' Santiago on a table at Big Penny Social, with a guy on the left stopping me from getting the whole of the sign in the background.
A paper cup of mulled cider brandy in front of the tanks at Burnt Faith.
A poster for the Blackhorse Beer Mile's Harvestfest, happening right now (information correct at time of writing).
The Bussey Building in Peckham, photo taken from ground level (outside the Eko taproom in fact). Way up on the roof you can just about see the screen of the rooftop cinema showing Amelie.
A notification message from OneDrive, reading "27 August! Today over the years. See what made this day special over time." The picture is of two street bins in Edinburgh, overflowing with rubbish after several weeks of a bin strike.
A poster for the show Eireann, featuring the quote 'an evening to excite and satisfy your Irish palette'. Unfortunately 'palate' is spelt as in colour, rather than taste. At least they aren't suggesting the show will satisfy a wooden structure you can stack things on.
An advert for a hearing aid system by Hidden Hearing, cunningly disguised as a pair of specs. "I can't believe it's a hearing aid!" is the tagline.
A screenshot of the EIFF listing for the remake of The Toxic Avenger, with a cast list that includes Arthur Hunnicutt, Harry Joe Brown, Maureen O’Sullivan, Randolph Scott, Richard Boone and Skip Homeier.
Quoted text - "It's the role of artists to be avant guarde, inappropriate, challenging, disturbing - from James Joyce to Sex Pistols and Playboy. Politicians really should not try to censor this."
Answer: two hundred and fifty fucking quid!
A food stall called Mum's Falafel
Soho Theatre Walthamstow looking niiiiiiice. I mean, it just is. I remember 40 years ago when this was a tripled fleapit.
An Easter bonfire, Berlin, this evening.
A one-metre high cake decorated to look like a can of Siren Soundwave IPA. It's standing on top of a beer barrel which has a sign attached to it reading "DO NOT TOUCH! THIS IS A CAKE!"
The door of the temperate carnivorous plant section at Kew Gardens. During their Orchid exhibition, there's an additional sign reading 'Quiet space: please enter if you would like a quiet moment'.
Screenshot of Spotify playing H.O.O.D - 2025 Instrumental by Kneecap. There's a little E warning on screen.
A poster for the Royal Academy exhibition 'Michelangelo Leonardo Raphael, Florence c. 1504'.
A cartoony poster for the film The New Year That Never Came, featuring a group of people holding two banners: one with the title of the film, the other proclaiming Down With Ceausescu! In the background, a statue of the man himself is being pulled down with a crane.
An image generated by spotify-unwrapped.com pointing out that of the £143.88 I spent on Spotify this year, only £0.19 was paid to my favourite artist. Sorry, Noep.