Sparker ✨

@sparkerpants.bsky.social

216 Followers 227 Following

ATX. Large dog enthusiast. Writer. Editorial Director. Make an assessment.

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs, Sorry for the convenience.”
A horse_ebooks classic: “as you might know, I am a full time Internet”
Screenshot of announcement that Dunkin’ Donuts is now launching its viral 48oz drink bucket nationwide that can be refilled with iced coffee, iced lattes, and Refreshers
Gods most enormous kitten stretched out upside down on the couch
Extremely normal image of the president, definitely not as Jesus but as a doctor because doctors are always famously wearing red shrouds on their shoulders and healing people with light coming out of their hands and also being prayed to *EAGLE SCREAM*
The “potato soil” meme with SOIL erased to read MOIST. I am an artist.
Pinterest collage of Cookie Monster asking life’s most important philosophical questions “Like Orpheus I am not strong enough to not look at what I want”
An enormous black cat that is actually an 8-month-old kitten, upside down on a couch, oblivious to everything in the human world except the snacks we produce for her to enjoy
Cookie Monster’s British cousin, Biscuit Monster, is just Cookie Monster in a hat
Suggestive light switch cover of the Greek statue variety
Enormous black kitten lounging on a green bath mat I put by the back door in a futile attempt to mitigate the amount of dirt the large dog tracks into my home. She is using the large dog’s koala toy as a pillow.
My “lunch” at this conference: a plate of sad fruit that did not taste good
Screenshot of the horrible bullshit evolution of the chain email “curses” we used to post on FB 20(!) years ago. Repost or in 7 days you’ll die!!! Transcript of the horrors: YOU'VE BEEN HIT BY THE |^^^^^^^^^^^^| |BEAUTIFUL truck | '|""";.., ___. |_..._...______===|= _|__|..., ] | "(@ )'(@ )""""*|(@ )(@ )*****(@ ONCE YOU'VE BEEN HIT, YOU HAVE TO HIT 8 Beautiful People IF YOU GET HIT AGAIN YOU'LL KNOW YOU'RE REALLY BEAUTIFUL! IF YOU BRAKE THE CHAIN, YOU'LL BE CURSED WITH UGLYNESS FOR 10 YEARS SO PASS IT HIT WHO EVER YOU THINK IS BEAUTIFUL.
Screenshot of recent calls, 90% of which are Spam Risk
Follow-up text from yours truly reading “Close enough welcome back Marshall Applewhite”
“Did the aliens hold a meeting with you and tell you about some important plan?”
Screenshot of Bluesky introducing a new feature “Saved Posts” with an example post from Jerry Chen, ultimate Poster
An English mastiff enjoying a nice pool day
English mastiff closeup BOOP and teefies!!
An English mastiff who has done crimes and will DO THEM AGAIN
An English mastiff and tuxedo cat are napping giant-to-tiny foot on a grey couch
Me indulging in my hobby of fucking with spam texters by telling them I cannot wait to attend their BBQ to feast on succulent human meats
POV: A tuxedo cat with a small mustache judges your workouts from her perch on a pink chair covered with a leopard Snuggie in a futile effort to prevent its demise. There is a ceiling fan above her head, which is full of crimes (her head not the fan)
English mastiff relaxing in a baby pool at her daycare when her ancestors were bred for war etc
Clickhole screenshot with headline “Heartbreaking: The Worst Person You Know Just Made A Great Point”. The man in the photo looks like Stephen Miller and is your new sleep paralysis demon
A fawn English mastiff who is Biggest Baby Girl
A woman reclines on a hotel bed with a pillow featuring an unknown man on it. He wears but one sleeve. He is as unknowable as the depths of the ocean outside of the window beyond
The Vogue Diet of Sadness for your colon is as follows: Breakfast 1 hard-boiled egg 1 glass white wine (dry, preferably Chablis) Black coffee Lunch 2 eggs (ideally hard-boiled but poached if necessary) 2 glasses white wine Black coffee Dinner 5-ounce steak (grilled with black pepper and lemon juice) Remainder of white wine (one bottle allowed per day) Black coffee
NYT Connections thinks they’re real funny with this
Comment from yours truly on a LinkedIn post reading “By preschool your child should be contributing to the family OKRs. By Kindergarten they should be setting their own and crushing their KPIs. JUICE BOXES ARE FOR CLOSERS.”
Ridiculous woman (me) in a Bucees St. Paddy’s Day shirt at a local block party showing off a temporary tattoo
Screenshot of an ad for “Dark MAGA cap” that explicitly says “Imported and not manufactured in the U.S.” while the hat of course reads “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN”
Haunted Garfield doll now available at Walmart
An English mastiff, absolutely thriving in the sunshine
Mini-horse Posting
Woman laughing with salads headshot. It is me. I am woman. I stole these salads. Where is your vegetable god now. He is dead. I ate him. While laughing. Hire me.
Teen girl in glasses with frizzy hair wearing a pale blue button-down shirt with a navy scarf and blue plaid shirt to look like the school uniform in Princess Diaries
ET dead in the river wearing his I VOTED 🇺🇸 sticker this is what happens when illegal aliens do votes I guess
Screenshot from a Facebook group called Porch Goose Club of America. It is a photo of a Bigfoot statue wearing a goose-themed Valentine’s dress. The AI suggestions underneath the photo include “more about Bigfoot’s dress” and “Bigfoots reaction to the dress”
Whitman’s Solid Milk Chocolate Bar now with more Jesus
A woman with long auburn hair and a fawn English mastiff sit together in a field of bluebonnets. The woman is wearing a hat with a heart on it that says DOG MOM. The woman is me.
LinkedIn News Top stories: DEVELOPING "Trade war rattles markets", "Tarrifs alarm business leaders", "Chick-fil-A is reinventing drive-thru", "More workers now have two jobs", "OpenAI introduces research agent", "X lawsuit targets more advertisers"
“Your drink has a hat” but honestly 2/10 effort you didn’t just like the photo I guess
Screenshot of text reading: "Instead, we — especially women & people from other systematically marginalized groups — are taught to self-help-book our way out of structural problems. To believe that all our problems would go away if only we were to strictly follow some 17-step plan."
Still image from a smart birdfeeder capturing a House Finch and a Lesser Goldfinch
An English mastiff trying to hide under a table in a vet’s office
Screenshot reading “Have children” right next to “Don’t want children”
Definitely Bonzi Buddy and not Moloch
Screenshot of a squirrel hanging upside down to help himself to the bird food Ma’am this is a Bird Buddy
Screenshot indicating the smart feeder is Ready for birds!
Homer Simpson Big Toasty Cinnamon Bun meme
An English mastiff in the background of a shot of berries; she is a Blueberry Wanter
A porch goose wearing a knit “scarf” that’s a reusable coffee holder
Aragorn FOR FRODO meme charging the black gates the way I go for the cheese in my fridge