Stephen Collins

@stephencollins.bsky.social

21995 Followers 471 Following

Illustrator & cartoonist | Guardian & Prospect (full scripts in alt text) | graphic novels | children’s books | WFC | My stuff: https://linktr.ee/stephencollinsart

The Beatles childhood homes tour

[Scene is at sea - we see Odysseus’s ship sailing past an island]

NARRATOR:
And next on his Odyssey

Sir Christopher Nolan led his followers

[We see that instead of Odysseus it is CHRIS NOLAN captaining the ship]

Past the Island of X

Inhabited by People Who Criticise Films From Just Watching The Trailer

[Show a load of guys on the rocks of the island, all tapping away on their phones]

They were led by their King,

the Musk.

The Musk stayed up all night in his cave

[Show a giant Elon Musk hunched over his computer at night in a cave, tapping away]

Posting comments about how he thinks Lupita Nyong’o is the wrong colour to be Helen of Troy, who wasn’t real

But Sir Christopher was immune to the song of the people of X

because he famously didn’t have a smartphone.

NOLAN [at the front of his ship, bellowing into the storm and waving his Nokia brick phone]:

I DON’T EVEN HAVE EMAAAAIL

[Narrator again]:

And he turned to his followers

NOLAN [turning to all the guys on his ship, all Nolanbro types, looking at their phones]

MEN!

Put down your mobile telephones! Do not listen to the sirens of X!

[Intense, Nolan-style close up on Nolan’s big, serious face]

NOLAN:
Some people will not like my big serious film…

But some people will like it...

and that’s fine.

[Ship sailing into the distance]:

MEN:
Hurrah!

[Ends]

[Scene is a kitchen, a person is boiling some peas on the hob]

1
PERSON 1:
Oh dear!

PERSON 2:
What is it babe?

2
PERSON 1:
I am so overwhelmed with cooking these peas...

PERSON 2:
You mean you’re not using AI peas?

3
PERSON 1:
AI peas?

PERSON 2:
They’re peas with AI!

4
PERSON 2:
AI powered peas harness the potential of your peas

PERSON 1:
What

5
PERSON 2 [Now in voice-over as hi tech meaningless graphics play]:

Taking your peas to the next level with new AI features powering your peas

6
PERSON 2 [V/O over increasingly ridiculous graphics]:
Each pea has AI in a way we haven’t quite worked out yet but it’s fine

7
PERSON 2:
Putting AI to work for your peas and connecting every corner of your peas

PERSON 1:
Peas don’t have corners

PERSON 2:
It does not matter!

8
PERSON 2:
Our game-changing PEA-AI gives you the freedom to get the peas done

9
PERSON 2:
From opening the bag of peas
to boiling the peas
to eating the peas

10
PERSON 2:
to spending millions on adding AI to the peas and then having to work out what that means

11
PERSON 1:
Is it necessary to -

PERSON 2 [grabbing her buy the cardigan]:
THE PEAS HAVE GOT AI, JANET

12
[Advert ending image showing the product, a bag of peas, with its slogan]

PEA-I AI PEAS WITH AI

Just ‘peas’ for God’s sake buy the AI peas

[Ends]

[Scene is a BEACH. A man is sat eating chips on a blanket - or rather he is trying to, but a terrifying, haunted-eyed SEAGULL is stood next to him, staring intently]

SEAGULL:

Well well well.

You must be one of these ‘Starers’.

[Show man trying to stare the seagull out]

SEAGULL:

Read an article in the Guardian did ya? ‘Stare seagulls out to save your chips’...

Come on then.
Look into my eyes.

[We see his cold, terrifying, haunted eyes in close up]

Can you see the darkness?
The things I’ve seen?

[Hypnotic waves are coming out of his eyes now]

The things I’ve... eaten...?

Frozen shit from a sewage pipe off the coast of Sussex…
The still-pulsing intestines from a badger by the A602…

Thaaat’s it

Look into the truth

The truth you’ve always known.

I am a seagull.

I am harder than you.

And I am having your chips.

11 [The man’s facade breaks, His eyes water, his lips wobble]

SEAGULL [Eating chips]:

Nom nom nom.

[ENDS]

Print of a comic strip by Stephen Collins, originally in the Guardian.

Script for the comic is as follows:

[Scene is the Tudor royal court. ladies and gentlemen standing round. In the corner a very fat HENRY VIII is hunched over playing a lute.]

1
LADY:
Hey Anne Boleyn -
Who’s that lute player?

ANNE BOLEYN:
I dunno

[Determined face]

But I’m gonna find out.

[Title lettering panel]:

THIS SUMMER

[Scene is now two musicians - one with a harp, the other is Henry VIII again playing the lute]

HARPIST:
Yo Henry VIII -

Who wrote that sick lute riff yo’ jamming?

HENRY VIII:
Why...

[Looking around, modest, surprised at the attention]

I did…!

[Title lettering panel]:

SEE THE STORY

[Scene is now a tudor record producer with ruff and wearing dark sunglasses]:

PRODUCER:
Congratulations Henry
Your lute thing is a hit and your story is now one of uncomplicated musical success!

[Show a panel with lots of Beatlemania-style scenes of success for Henry the musician - swooning tudor girls, playing lute on stage, waving to fans as he descends from his golden carriage. In the middle of it in Tudor lettering are the words]:

“UNCOMPLICATED MUSICAL SUCCESS MONTAGE”.

[Another scene - a man is saying to Henry]:

MAN:
Say Henry VIII -
Are you doing anything outside this narrative that is very bad or weird?

HENRY VIII:
No.

[Title lettering panel]:

…OF A MUSICAL GENIUS
who definitely didn’t do anything outside this narrative that was very bad or weird

[Scene with Thomas Cromwell]

THOMAS CROMWELL:
Hang on Henry aren't you also a -

HENRY VIII [jumping in front of him with his lute held aloft]:
LUTE SOLO!

[Final film title panel]:

HENRY VIII:
Rock Biopic
[rated U]

[Ends]

Scene is a LONGBOAT sailing on the sea. It is all drawn in the style of the Bayeaux Tapestry. A voice is coming from the boat:

Owwww

Uuuuuuurgh

Ooooooooh

[Scene changes to on the deck of the boat - still drawn like the Bayeaux Tapestry. A SOLDIER is talking to HAROLD, who is lying on the deck of the boat, with the arrow in his eye.]

SOLDIER:
For God's sake stop it Harold!

HAROLD:
Oh I'm sorry. It's not like I've got an ARROW IN MY EYE or anything

SOLDIER:
Look, we discussed this. The arrow is your thing. People want to see the arrow.

HAROLD:
It's been in there for 950 years. I should really see a doctor

SOLDIER:
No! We are travelling to England to be displayed in the British Museum.
What do you think people would say if you didn't have your arrow in?

HAROLD:
I don't care. I want it taken out. It hurts.

SOLDIER:
No.

HAROLD:
But I could get it seen to in England! The NHS has some of the best tapestry eye surgeons in the world!

SOLDIER:
Oh right, I get it, so this is health tourism...

HAROLD:
Duh, no, cos I'm Anglo Saxon?

SOLDIER:
Ohmigod you sound so Brexit

[Silent pause,, they cotuinue to sail]

HAROLD:
Uuuurgh

SOLDIER:
SHUT UP

[Ends]

1
[TV show titles]:
SORT YOUR LIFE OUT

2
[STACEY SOLOMON and the team are outside NIGEL FARAGE’S house with Nigel and his girlfriend LAURE FERRARI]

STACEY:
So Nigel - you're a politician aren't you?

3
FARAGE:
Yes Stacey but I also have a hobby...

4
LAURE [proudly, but slightly worried]:
Nigel collects nutters.

5
[Interior - Stacey and the team entering Nigel and Laure’s house. It is crammed with weird-looking people].

STACEY:
Oh my goooorsh

6
STACEY:
Look at all the weirdos!

7
STACEY:
Where do you sleep?

NIGEL:
Over there
on the pile of racists

8
[Nigel is showing Stacey his collection of lunatics]

NIGEL:
This one talks a lot about UFOs in Doncaster

[He gestures to councillor Kieran Lay standing in a display case]

STACEY:
Wowww...

9
[Showing her Reform councillor Steven Lewis, standing behind a lamp]:

NIGEL:
This one thinks we are in a simulation made by Satan called ‘the Matrix’

STACEY:
So many types!

10
STACEY [voice over]

But Nigel is worried his collection is affecting his electability at work.

[Nigel is starting to cry]

STACEY [putting hand on his shoulder]:
Oh babe...

11
[They are now in THE WAREHOUSE where Stacey puts all the belongings out into zones. Each zone is full of weird looking people. They are labelled: RACISTS, ANTISEMITES, PLANDEMICS, MISOGYNISTS etc]

STACEY:
So listen Nigel,

We can't leave leave the warehouse...

12
STACEY:
Till you've donated half of these to Restore.

NIGEL:
I CAN'T DO IT STACEY

[ends]

[Scene is a UK sports pub, during an England game]

1
[Close up on 2 pints being held in plastics, in people's hands, they are Madri, and Stella]

MADRI:
Welcome back to the second half

2
A goalless and rather dry game so far Stella

3
Yeah Madri, it’s surprised me

I was really expecting to see some goals when they put me in a plastic

4
Oh - Kaaaane and IT’S IN!!

But the flag is up…

5
Our Italian colleague Peroni’s gone early…

[Show one man throwing a pint ]

5
That’s embarrassing Madri

You can see from the expression Peroni’s owner doesn't usually watch football -

6
[Replay of bloke looking silly going to the bar]

Beautiful slo-mo return to the bar there

To drop another £8.20.

7
The fans are clearly expectant, Stella
I've not been sipped all match

8
My guy's filming content of himself

[show guy with a selfie stick filming himself 'watching' the screen]

BLOKE:
Gonna be liiiimbs

9
ESTRELLA:
Determined to capture his own spontaneous joy

BLOKE:
Oooh

10
ESTRELLA:
Sadly this is just part of English tournament football now, Madri

11
If you ask me it's emblematic of a society-wide substitution of genuine, lived joy with a forced social media performaaaa

12
[the pints have all been thrown and have disappeared out of shot]

[Ends]

Scene is a domestic room in ANCIENT GREECE. The traveller ODYSSEUS enters to meet his DAD, an old, bearded man.

DAD:
Odysseus!

ODYSSEUS:
Father!

DAD:
It’s so good to see you after all these years! How was your journey?

ODYSSEUS:
Not bad, yeah

DAD:
Which way did you come?

ODYSSEUS:
Oh... I dunno.

I just followed the sat nav

[There is a silent pause. Odysseus’s dad smiles, a frozen rictus of affability which says ‘that is not acceptable and I’ll pretend you didn’t say it’.]

DAD:
Which way did you come.

ODYSSEUS:
Um. I dunno, Dad

DAD:
Did you come via the domain of the Cyclops?

ODYSSEUS:
I think.... um....

DAD:
Through the lair of the Laestrygonian cannibals?

ODYSSEUS:
Uh....

DAD:
Past the siren song of the enchantresses?

ODYSSEUS:
Dunno, I had a podcast on

DAD:
You must've gone the Western Edge of the World way, past Scylla the six-headed monster and the Whirlpool of Charybdis...

ODYSSEUS:
Is that by the McDonald’s roundabout

DAD:
Yes

ODYSSEUS:
Yeah I did come that way

DAD:
OOOH YOU SHOULDN’T COME THAT WAY

[Ends]

[Scene is a BEACH. A little kid is running towards the shore. Speech bubbles that follow are mostly coming from THE SEA, which is sort of talking to us.]

1
THE SEA:
Happens all the time.

2
THE SEA:
One second they’re a kid thoughtlessly running into me for joy

[Show kid running towards the sea]

3
THE SEA:
And the next, they’re an adult standing there
contemplating my sublime, death-like endlessness.

[Show the kid instantly transformed into an adult, hands on hips, boringly contemplating the horizon].

4
THE SEA:
I mean, I get it. I’m the *Sea*.

I don’t really do the whole ‘time’ thing.

But it always seems to happen so *quick*.

5
THE SEA:
Right. One way to fix this.

[Shoe the waves licking up against their toes]

6
PERSON [shocked from cold]:
JESUS

7
THE SEA:
Come on
a bit further ….

[Person paddles out into the water a bit]

8
THE SEA:
That’s it…
bit further…

[Person wades to waist height]

9
THE SEA:
Right.

[Person standing still waist height in sea]

10
THE SEA:
HAVE THAT.

[BIG WAVE goes over them]

11
[They are instantly transformed back to a kid again]

KID [laughing]:
UURGHHAHA

12
THE SEA:
Works every time

[ends]

[Scene is a guy with beard and glasses reading a poetry book in a pub. A screen showing football is behind him]

PRESENTER [TALKING TO CAMERA]:

It's a harrowing sight.

An unsporty person, trying to adjust to a world of sport.

[Show everybody else in the pub watching the World Cup on the screen].

But at one rehab centre in East London, there is hope.

[Cut to interior of a SPORTS HALL. The Presenter is showing us round as coaches try to throw balls towards bookish-looking patients].

PRESENTER:

Here, the chronically sports-repellant are given the skills they need to integrate into society.

[We see a woman in a cardigan waiting for the ball to be thrown at her to catch]

[She stand unmoving as it bounces of her forehead]

COACH:
Nearly

[Cut to a to-camera interview with a UNSPORTINESS THERAPIST, sat next to a pot plant and on the wall are framed pictures of different types of ball with directional instructions - a tennis ball - HIT - a football - KICK - a rugby ball - THROW].

THERAPIST:

We have seen a sharp spike in admissions this summer

People come to us suffering the long term effects of being goths, studying arts degrees or just being shit at P.E.

We try to coach all our patients in basic rules and banter skills.

[Cut to a coach in tracksuit sat at the bar in a pub, on the stool next to him is the same poetry-reading bloke we saw earlier].

GUY:

"Ooh he's hit the woodworm...

COACH:

Woodwork.

THERPIST [V/O]:

And when you see them reintegrate. it just makes it all worthwhile.

[The guy again, still reading poetry while all the other people look at the football, reacting to a missed goal opportunity]

EVERYBODY IN PUB:

OOOOH

GUY [a beat late]:

Ooh... woodworm.

[Ends]

[Title]:

How Does It Feel, Mr Footballer?

[Following panels show a footballer being interviewed in various scenarios]

1
[Making first contact with an alien on another planet]:
Yeh y’know obviously it’s a great to make first contact, we’re here to represent humanity and give it 100 per cent

2
[Chained above the fiery pit of Hell] :
2 Yeh y’know obviously it’s disappointing to be in the fiery pit but you’ve got to look forward

3
[Being devoured by tiny Nanobots in a future dystopia]:
Yeh y’know obviously the murderous nanobots are a factor but we’ve got to take the positives

4
[On WW2 VE-Day]
Yeh y’know obviously we’re pleased to win World War 2, they came out organised and made it difficult for us

5
[In a multi-dimensional vortex]:
Yeh y’know obviously there’s no easy games at the multiverse level, take one dimension at a time

6
[Stood on a cloud, next to a shining orb of light]
Yeh y’know obviously it’s great to see the face of God, we’re happy with that

7
[In the midst of an apocalypse, the world on fire]:
Yeh y’know obviously we wanted to survive as a species but we haven’t managed to do that

[Ends]

1
[Title panel, parodying an advert poster for a music festival]:

BACKSLIDE 2026: TRIBUTE FESTIVAL

2
Come on down to the tribute act festival which revives the worst bits of history!

[Show a festival scene but instead of colourful flags dotting the landscape there’s England flags on lamp posts]

3
World War Too:

Great powers playing all the ‘Gathering Storm’-era hits

[Show Putin and Trump on a festival stage but they are just standing at podiums]

4
The Near-anderthal Men:

Loving recreation of pre-civilised misogyny

[Cavemen on stage one of them saying into mic: “This one’s called High Value Female”]

5
The National Socialisn’ts:

Uncanny British impersonation of 1938 Nazi brownshirts

[English white nationalists on stage - bomber jackets, skinheads, tattoos, England flags etc]

6
Measles, Mumps and Who-bella:

Antivaxx family revive the classic diseases of yesteryear

[Show a family of three - mum, dad, little daughter - sat on stools on a festival stage like a folk trio. Dad is saying into his mic “This is whooping cough” while his daughter coughs into her mic]

7
Dark Satanic Wills:

Four tech bros called Will try to do the Industrial Revolution again, but shit

[Four guys on laptops stood on a stage like Kraftwerk. They are all wearing identical tech bro clothes , hoodies jeans etc]

8
Rich n’ Poor!

Guillotine show in the family tent

[Family tent scene. Show a guy in a hoodie with head in a guillotine on the stage, another person also in modern dress holding blade up, the whole crowd filming the show on their phones.]

11
And don’t miss…

The Retro Bubble Show (biggest since 1929!)

[A man in 1930s dress out in the field, making an enormous bubble]

12
[Back to festival poster]

The Great British Tribute Festival:

Bringing it all BACK!

[Ends]

A painting depicting a dragon on the roof of an old English school spire. Sat on the dragon's back are four members of a family, each reading special books they like. On the dragon's head, is their pet dog. In the background is a fantasy landscape of green fields, distant mountains and castle.

[Scene is a TV REMOTE CONTROL with a finger hovering above it. The voice we hear is coming from one of the APP BUTTONS which are located directly beneath the navigation play/pause etc buttons].

1
Hey Mr Finger yeah you’re gonna press me

2
I’m a button for some random thing called BoBuuTV

[closer up on the button speaking, it is for some unknown streaming platform called BoBuuTV]

3
I be hangin' with my homies: Disney, Netflix and Prime

4
When you accidentally press me and it’s…

5
...BoBuu tiiiime!

[scene now has a couple trying to watch TV but they've accidentally turned on BoBuu]

MAN:
Argh sorry

6
I’ve got the bad remake of Poltergeist,

[Show the App Library with bad horror films, including Poltergeist, 2015]

7
The ouvre of Seann William Scott

[show the films of the now-disappeared early 2000s star, Seann William Scott]

8
And a catalogue of films which looks like proper films but not.

[Show a library of lots of knock-off films, like you get on Rakuten TV or PlutoTV]

9
So I’m never pressed on purpose!
Does BoBuu look like BoBuu cares?

10
I still get more finger action than them Ceefax freaks down there.

[Show the coloured buttons at the bottom of the remote]

11
[Show the couple again, trying to watch iPlayer, the woman just returning from a wee break as the man goes to unpause their show]

Yeah BoBuu’s doin’ fine
I’m gettin’ pushed four times a day
Cos the sadist who designed us

WOMAN:
OK turn it back on

12
Put me right beneath Pause/Play.

[BoBuu app com back on the screen]

WOMAN:
Oh DAVE

MAN:
Argh sorry

[Ends]

An illustration of a Venice canal scene, with a bakery shop window to the right. A figure in his 40s is walking past the window and catching and glimpse of his own reflection in it, which is of himself aged 21.

[Scene is ICE CREAM VAN, a DAD and his child are at front of queue]

1
DAD [to kid]:
What would you like then darling?

2
DAD:
Would you like an ice cr-

ICE CREAM MAN:
Cut the crap.

3
DAD:
Sorry?

ICE CREAM MAN:
Let’s stop pretending, yeah?

4
ICE CREAM MAN:
*You* want an ice cream, don’t ya.

5
ICE CREAM MAN:
You, a grown adult, want an ice cream.

6
ICE CREAM MAN:
A special ice cream with spwinkles and a choccy bar pushed into the top, just for you.

7
ICE CREAM MAN:
To eat in the street. In your *forties*.

8
ICE CREAM MAN:
You pretend you’re here for your kids, but it’s always for you.

9
ICE CREAM MAN:
I’ve given up appealing to kids with cartoon characters on my van

10
Just drawn creepy pictures of *your* favourites instead

11
[Show the side of his van with a weird airbrushed painting on the side. It depicts the hideous, badly drawn, distorted faces of Fiona Bruce, Alastair Campbell, Rory Stewart, Micah Richards, Richard Ayoade and Noel Gallagher]

12
DAD:
Is that… Fiona Bruce?

ICE CREAM MAN:
You love her.

[Ends]

Illustration of a man and woman begging their dinner guests for forgiveness as the man pushes the woman out from kitchen on top of a giant roast chicken on a hostess trolley, the woman is on her knees on the chicken dressed in mourning, begging the guests for forgiveness, there is a grey cloud above her and rain is puring down on her. meanwhile the guests all look like “what the hell is this?”.

A woman named GEMMA and a man we’ll call GEMMA’S BOYFRIEND are sat on sofa in front of TV in slouchy clothing. It is evening.

1
GEMMA [yawning]:
I’m going to bed

2
[She gets up]

3
[She walks up stairs]

4
[She gets into bed]

5
[She turns the lights off and goes to sleep]

6
GEMMA’S BOYFRIEND [his voiceover but we see his face as he is still sat on the sofa, looking stunned]

And that’s when I knew:

Gemma was the Messiah.

7
[Cut to a preacher on a rostrum talking to a crowd of people. He is stood beneath a giant fresco of Gemma’s face bearing the words: SHE JUST WENT TO BED]

PREACHER:

She performed the miracle!
To show us the way!

8
PREACHER:
The miracle…
of going to bed without faffing about for absolutely ages.

9
[Cut to one panel showing a TV screen with news ticker headline: MESSIAH GOES TO BED JUST LIKE THAT, other forms of news on phones, newspapers etc with headlines SHE JUST GOT RIGHT IN THAT THING... A MIRACLE... ALIEN - OR GOD?]

10
[Cut to another preacher, this time in a massive stadium, a gospel choir singing behind him]

PREACHER:
She did NOT have a check of the thermostat…

CROWD:
Hell no!

11
PREACHER:
She did NOT have a three checks of the front door…

CROWD:
Halellujah!
Whoo!

12
PREACHER:
She did NOT even have a lil’ beddy-byes doomscroll…

WHOLE CROWD:
AMEN!

[ends]

The scene is a LATE NIGHT CHAT SHOW, present day. The audience are clapping the host who is starting the show.

On the center of the wall behind the host is a huge version of the famous Author Portrait of William Shakespeare from the First Folio - the image is the iconic one we have of Shakespeare, ruff, beard, bald].

[Close up on the HOST.]

HOST:
And now - l can't believe I'm actually saying this...
Please welcome. through the newly invented Time Portal..

[We see now that there is a glowing hi tech box on the stage]

HOST:
MR… WILLIAM… SHAKESPEARE!

[Huge applause, whoops, cheering from the audience]

[Through the Time Portal comes WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE - grinning and waving to the audience, revelling in the attention. He has a full, glorious, brown, flowing head of hair.]

SHAKESPEARE, still smiling glancing up at the huge author portrait on stage]:
Who's the bald guy?

HOST:
That's your author portrait!

It's the only one we've had of you for the past 400 years.

[Shakespeare again. His grin is fixed but waning. He looks at the host. Back at the bald portrait. We see it again. It is really very bald. Shakespeare looks a it. His grin is fading ever so slightly now. He looks back at the host.]

HOST:
I believe it was put at the front of your collected works after you died by your lifelong rival, Ben Jonson.

[Shakespeare again. Shakespeare’s smile has gone now. He looks back at the host. He looks back at the bald portrait. He looks at the host again. Then he abruptly turns and walks back out of shot]]

SHAKESPEARE:
COME HERE JONSON YOU FU- [Words truncated as he disappears back in time through the portal, while the host runs trying to catch him]

[Ends]

[Scene is the Tudor royal court. ladies and gentlemen standing round. In the corner a very fat HENRY VIII is hunched over playing a lute.]

1
LADY:
Hey Anne Boleyn -
Who’s that lute player?

ANNE BOLEYN:
I dunno

[Determined face]

But I’m gonna find out.

[Title lettering panel]:

THIS SUMMER

[Scene is now two musicians - one with a harp, the other is Henry VIII again playing the lute]

HARPIST:
Yo Henry VIII -

Who wrote that sick lute riff yo’ jamming?

HENRY VIII:
Why...

[Looking around, modest, surprised at the attention]

I did…!

[Title lettering panel]:

SEE THE STORY

[Scene is now a tudor record producer with ruff and wearing dark sunglasses]:

PRODUCER:
Congratulations Henry
Your lute thing is a hit and your story is now one of uncomplicated musical success!

[Show a panel with lots of Beatlemania-style scenes of success for Henry the musician - swooning tudor girls, playing lute on stage, waving to fans as he descends from his golden carriage. In the middle of it in Tudor lettering are the words]:

“UNCOMPLICATED MUSICAL SUCCESS MONTAGE”.

[Another scene - a man is saying to Henry]:

MAN:
Say Henry VIII -
Are you doing anything outside this narrative that is very bad or weird?

HENRY VIII:
No.

[Title lettering panel]:

…OF A MUSICAL GENIUS
who definitely didn’t do anything outside this narrative that was very bad or weird

[Scene with Thomas Cromwell]

THOMAS CROMWELL:
Hang on Henry aren't you also a -

HENRY VIII [jumping in front of him with his lute held aloft]:
LUTE SOLO!

[Final film title panel]:

HENRY VIII:
Rock Biopic
[rated U]

[Ends]

1
[Guardian headline title]

Inspiring Travel Ideas for 2026
Chosen By Our Readers Who Are Microplastics

2
Stuck for somewhere to go on holiday this year? Microplastic Guardian readers offer their travel tips

3

A Pristine highland river

This glorious unspoilt Scottish river feels a million miles from a sausage roll packet, but it’s actually just a short picnic away!

Paul and David, sausage roll packet bits

4
Breathtaking Mountaintop

True travellers know it’s not about the destination, but the journey. We simply left our plastic bag with no plan, hopping a serendipitously from gust to gust all the way to the Haute-Pyrénées

Sue and Tom, bits of plastic bag

5
Polar Bear’s balls

Since we left our Space Invaders packet in 1983, we've developed a taste for adventure. Most tourists are happy with package holidays in European genitals, but the Arctic Circle has some wonderful undiscovered testes.

Janet and Ian, crisp packet particles

6
Human foetus

Human placentas are such tourist traps, with every single one on Earth now occupied by microplastic holidaymakers. We've gone ‘off the beaten track’ and entered the a delightful foetus’s lungs.

The Wilsons, ground Ford Ka indicator wand.

7
Liz Truss

We’ve spent four glorious summers in the frontal cortex of former UK Government star, Elizabeth Truss. A truly vibrant spot to just sit back, relax, and watch the colourful thoughts roll by!

Diogo and Shawna, spork dust

8
Your Child’s Eyeball

The wonder of travel is seeing the world with fresh eyes, and you can't get fresher than the eyes of your kid. Easily accessible via the bloodstream.

Dennis, polyurethane spray foam

9
The Mariana Trench

Ever since we were dropped into the sea in 2022, we’ve strayed ever further from the ’tourist trail’. Last year we found this blissfully peaceful Pacific trench.

Louise and Di- fragment of Rebekah Vardy’s agent’s phone case

[Ends]

This is a cartoon parody of the Guardian Blind Date column, but instead of humans, the characters on the date are a computer arrow cursor, and a big yellow Guardian button with “Support The Guardian” written on it, like you get at the buttom of the ‘Subcribe please” advert popup. Both characters have legs and arms. There is also drawn in the corner, a selfie of them in a restaurant, like they have in the real Blind Date column.

BLIND DATE

Cursor, 46, a computer cursor, meets Button, 52, a website button

Cursor on Button:

What were you hoping for?
 Looking for someone to click with.

First impressions? 
Good font, round ends. Big yellow face.

What did you talk about?

Button talked a lot about her job at the Guardian, where she helps people fund vital independent journalism in a media landscape controlled by billionaires and big tech algorithms.

Most awkward moment?

When I told her I’d just been in a two-hour click-hole that began “Do dogs have four wrists” and ended in the filmography of Jason Statham.

What do you think Button made of you?
 I think she thought I should be clicking on something more worthwhile.

Did you go on somewhere? 
A fun little ’support the Guardian’ page.

And … did you click?

Yes!

Marks out of 10?

9 - would have been 10 if she hadn’t kept asking me for money.

Button on Cursor:

What were you hoping for?

Money to fund my important journalism.

First impressions?

Pointy head. Bit pixelated.

What did you talk about?

How an independent press is crucial to democracy but is being threatened by economic and authoritarian forces around the globe, and supporting the Guardian on a monthly basis makes a big impact in support of open, independent journalism. And whether dogs have four wrists.

Most awkward moment?

When he started talking about dog wrists and Jason Statham.

Did you go on somewhere?
 I showed him my favourite Support the Guardian page.

And … did you click?

Yes!

Marks out of 10?

He signed up, so a full 10.

Scene is a THEME PARK. A family are just arriving at the end of a long queue for a ride. All we can see of the ride's name in this frame is ’...THE RIDE’.

1
MUM:
Ugh... look at this queue

2
KID:
They've made the set quite fun though

3
DAD:
I love the theme detail

[We see the theme of the ride, which is built around the queuing area, seems to be a RUN DOWN UK HIGH STREET - Vape shops, unaffordable housing, empty units, bookies, etc.]

4
KID:
Ooh, look dad

There's screens!

5
[There is a screen to keep people entertained and informed in the queue, as they have at theme parks. At first it reads]:

Current queue time: 45 minutes

6
[Then the image on the screen changes to a ride promo video]:

SOCIAL CONTRACT: THE RIDE

7
[Video continues]

The uk's most on-the nose metaphorical experience!

8
Feel the FEAR of worrying your kids will be worth off than -

[A voice interrupts the audio]

PSHWXFT Ladies and gentlemen -

9
I'm sorry to announce

The Social Contract ride has broken down

10
Queue time is now indefinite

PEOPLE IN QUEUE:
Uuuugh

11
VOICE:
But any guests who've got enough money,

12
Can just buy a Q-jump pass and they'll be fine.

13

[Show wealthy looking people in the express lane queue, running past everyone and shouting "WHOOO!” as if they're on a rollercoaster]

14

MUM: That was amazing

KID: Let's go again

[Ends]

Just a self portrait of me and my dog. It's a cartoon basically. I am bald with a beard and glasses, and she is grey and furry wire fox terrier

1 ‘There follows a public safety message from the Ministry of Taps.’

2 [Show a moustachioed man in a white coat, standing next to a sink with two taps.]

Hello.

3 Here are two beautiful, British taps.

4 Don’t they make you proud? Cold and hot, divided in modesty, as God intends!

5 But in recent years, more and more Britons are using ‘mixer taps’ - a highly addictive form of foreign tap.

6 The great British tradition of washing one’s hands via a weird sort of hot-to-cold dance is under threat. [Show someone doing this dance]

7 The 'mixer' is a gateway tap.

One minute you're dabbling with a dual faucet.

Next thing you know, you're 'dancing with the fisherman's hose'.

[Show one of those big bendy fishmonger’s hoses that people have these days]

8 See here the brain of a healthy, two-tap using Briton:

[Show diagram of a brain with two thirds of it devoted to ‘WASHING HANDS’]

9. And this... is the brain of a ‘mixhead’:

[Show same brain diagram, but the Washing Hands section is replaced with ‘FOREIGN THOUGHTS’]

Remember: Mixing can lead to foreignness and fishmongery.

BRITONS: DON’T MIX YOUR TAPS

[Ends]

1
[YouTube style thumbnail title, a la Mr Beast, but instead of humans it’s two POLLEN PARTICLES with faces and arms and legs named BRAD POLLEN and TOM POLLEN and they are doing shocked Mr Beast type faces. Above them the title says]:

20 GOES on the UK’s scariest Water Ride!

2
BRAD POLLEN [to camera]:
Hey guys - we’re Brad and Tom Pollen

3
BRAD POLLEN:
And today we’re gonna 20 times on the UK’s scariest water ride… in 30 seconds.

TOM POLLEN:
This is insane bro

4
[Show a MAN sleeping on a blanket in his garden]

Built in 1992, Darren Hayes in Exeter has a 97mph sneeze and *total* antihistamine-resistance

5
[Show the Pollen brothers inside a long tunnel, which is Darren Hayes’ nose lining, and they are settling down as if at the top of a water slide. They are holding a SELFIE STICK to film themselves as they go down the slide.]

BRAD POLLEN:
OK bro we’re in the nose lining

TOM POLLEN:
This is it

6
[An enormous blast of wind and mucus blasts them out of the nose passage]

7
[Show POV of selfie camera]

BRAD:
WUUUURGH!

8
[Still on selfie cam, now with blue sky behind them as they have exited the nose]

TOM POLLEN:
WUUUURGH SPLFSPLSF

9
[Cut to Tom and Brad in a pool of green water on Darren’s belly as if they’ve just come out of a water slide. We can see the top of the slide - Darren’s face - in the background looking groggy]
BRAD POLLEN:
DUUUUDE

TOM POLLEN:
That was INSAAANE

10
BRAD POLLEN:
It doesn’t even go ‘achoo’,
it’s just like this *roar*…

TOM POLLEN:
Let’s go back in

11
[Show Darren having a sneezing fit]
CHAOUGHWW
SCHOUGHWWW
SCHOUUUUGHWWW

12
BRAD POLLEN:
20 rides, we did it!

TOM POLLEN:
Let’s go again

[ends]

Mark Zuckerberg [standing in his normal posh living room, talking to camera]:
So today I want to show you our plans...

*PING* - a screen appears in the air above Zuckerberg’s wrist

Mark Zuckerberg:
...for the Metaverse.

Mark Zuckerberg [to his wrist-screen]:
Hey Nick

Nick Clegg [appearing on screen]:
Hey Mark

Nick Clegg:
You coming to the meeting?

Mark Zuckerberg:
You bet!

[The room transforms into digital lines]

[Zuckerberg is now transported to a different place with Nick Clegg by his side. They are in the US CAPITOL during the January insurrection, anarchy unfolding all around them].

Mark Zuckerberg:
Wow! Where are we, Nick?

Nick Clegg:
I think we’re in
an insurrection!

Nick Clegg:
I thought I’d clicked ‘join meeting’ but I must have inadvertantly joined one of the many far right groups being promoted by our algorithm.

Mark Zuckerberg:
I don’t like it Nick! What should we do?

Nick Clegg:
Well…

Nick Clegg:
We could admit our tech libertarian ideals are flawed, change the algorithm which makes us billions, and build a bold new virtual world which brings humanity together rather than tearing it apart and killing democracy.

Or…

Nick Clegg:
We could change
our avatars!

[They are both now changed into wacky avatars]

Mark Zuckerberg:
I’M A MOUSE

The scene is ALEX KARP, CEO of Palantir, sat in an armchair by a fireside with an open children's book. His hair is wild, his stare intense, his eyes shifting round the room. The comic has many panels of silence where he just stares at us intensely.

[Silent pause]

[Silent pause]

ALEX KARP:

Hi there.

I'm Alex Karp.

CEO of Palantir.

[Silent pause. Shifty eyes]

[Silent pause]

And if you're an enemy of America something really bad is going to happen to you.

And your friends and your cousins and your parents

And you need to go to bed scared and wake up scared

[Waving his arms around now]

Because the American people don't wanna hear your woke pagan ideology anymore

And you need to know that this technology will take power from educated female voters and -

VOICE FROM OFF-SCENE
Alex...

ALEX KARP:
Huh

[Pull wider to show that this is in fact the set of the CBEEBIES BED TIME STORY and a CBEEBIES PRODUCER is talking to him from next to a camera operator].

CBEEBIES PRODUCER:
This is the Cbeebies Bedtime Story

[The book Alex is supposed to be reading is on a screen. It is titled: THE TECH BRO AND THE MAGIC BUBBLE]

ALEX KARP:
I could destroy you

CBEEBIES PRODUCER:
Sorry

[Ends]

Scene is WAITROSE CUSTOMER SERVICES DESK. Behind it is a staff member, whose name we will soon learn is BECKY. She is dealing with a customer, for now out of shot, while talking to her manager on the phone.

BECKY [on phone]:
Yeah, hiya...

2
BECKY:
Yes I have a customer here who wants to complain about the Easter eggs.

3
BECKY [putting hand over receiver while addressing the customer stood at the desk in front of her]:
Sorry what was your name again?

4
[Pull back to show the customer is a very tall, green-skinned, PAGAN GODDESS, festooned with flowers. Stood next to her is her son, a normal human teenager in a hoodie, who looks mortified by his mum.]

PAGAN GODDESS:
Eostre the Pagan Goddess of Fertility

5
BECKY
Sorry -
Your name is Easter…?

PAGAN GODDESS:
Eostre.

6

[Vicky pauses, trying to take this in].

VICKY:
Your name is Easter and you want to complain about the Easter eggs.

7
PAGAN GODDESS:
Sorry love, what’s your name?

BECKY:
Becky

PAGAN GODDESS:
Well, Vicky -

8
PAGAN GODDESS:
If it was you who’d shagged the solar god of the Equinox to give birth to an actual living god - my son Darren here -

TEENAGE BOY:
Muuum…

9
PAGAN GODDESS:
….only to have all your efforts totally forgotten by history, you’d have a complaint too!

10
PAGAN GODDESS:
Aisle four is full of products, with no hint of the true meaning of the festival!

11
BECKY:
You mean… Jesus…?

PAGAN GODDESS:
I mean shagging, Vicky.

12
PAGAN GODDESS:
Is it too much to see just a little bit of pre-Christian sex in Aisle 4?

TEENAGE BOY:
MUUUUM

[Ends]

Easter Eggs in the Bible

BREAD EGG:

The first ever Easter egg was hand made from bread by Jesus at the Last Supper. Came with a free Holy Grail and two bits of bread.

[Image shows a very rough basic egg made of bread in a box clearly made by a carpenter.]

FIRST SMARTIES EGG:

St Matthew’s Gospel describes candy-covered rabbit droppings that came “actually inside the egg”, not in a separate packet like nowadays.

GOD’S POSH EGG

One for the aunties: the first ‘high-end’ Artisan egg made by God himself. Dark chocolate, posh box, infinite cocoa content.

[Image shows a posh egg on a cloud in heaven]

ROMAN YORKIE EGG:

The first Yorkie egg came in a chariot-shaped box marketed at ‘Manly Romans’. Latin wordsearch on the back.

[Image shows an elaborate cardboard chariot box containing the egg]

EARLY SNICKERS:

Snickers used to be called Marathon and before that it was called UNG-ERWEH which meant ‘Fourteen Lashes Unto The Shepherd’. We can see why they changed it!

CREME EGGS:

According to the Gospel of St Matthew, Cadbury’s Creme Eggs were “absolutely massive” and had “proper chocolate” in 2000 BKE (Before Kraft Era). Scriptures describe a ‘mystery filling’ that gave mild chemical burns. [Show a giant Creme Egg in someone’s hands]

SATAN’S EGG:

Never one to be outdone, the Lord of Darkness sought to compete with God on the ‘sophisticated’ market. High quality dark egg cursed by Satan himself, with two free bars of ‘loathesome matter’. Withdrawn from sale.

[Show an evil looking red egg in a box with ‘666’ on it, two bars of what looks like bloody flesh, blood dripping out of the front.]

[Ends]

Scene is a young boy and his mum sat on floor of his bedroom. He is opening his birthday presents.

MUM:
And this one’s from Uncle Pete and Aunty Liz…

[unwrap]

[We see the toy. It is a miserable looking rabbit character in an open fronted box with 'PRESS ME' and an arrow pointing to its ear.]

[Boy presses ear]

RABBIT:
Bollocks.

[the mum and boy look slightly shocked at the rabbit toy]

[close up on toy]

[Boy presses ear again.]

I’m not doing this any more.

[Press]

I’ve reached the end of the line.

[Press]

Do you have *any idea* how many times I’ve been regifted?

[Press]

THIRTY FOUR TIMES I’ve been wrapped and unwrapped.

[Press]

Thirty-four pairs of disappointed eyes… thirty four temporary homes…

[Press]

I've seen storage cupboards in Milton Keynes… Home-office shelves in Stoke…. moments lost in time, like tears in rain…

[Press]

I’m in the *regifting zone*, see…
Good enough to gift, but *just that bit* too shit to keep.

[mum throws the rabbit over her shoulder into the bin]

MUM:
It’s broken

RABBIT:
SWEET RELEASE

[ends]

[Scene is a TV news DEBATE FORMAT like Newsnight or Laura K.
In the studio, NIGEL FARAGE is a guest on one side, and the GOVERNOR OF THE BANK OF ENGLAND is the other guest.]

1
FARAGE:
It's simply outrageous!

2
FARAGE:
Replacing Sir Winston Churchill on the £5 note with a badger is woke madness.

3
BANK OF ENGLAND GOVERNOR:
Mr Farage, I can assure you that I and my colleagues at the Bank of England have listened to your concerns,

4
GOVERNOR:
And we have gone to great length to ensure
that the badger is, in fact...

5
GOVERNOR:
...Anti-woke.

[The £5 note appears on the screen behind him. It shows a badger, with a black military cap on its head - looking suspiciously like a Nazi SS officer's cap.]

6
[Beat of Nigel Farage reacting silently to the image on screen]

7
FARAGE:
The badger is anti-woke.

8
GOVERNOR:
Indeed!
[Pointing at the design on the screen]
If you look down the bottom we've included a quote from him...

9
[Close up of the quote at the bottom of the new £5 note, which reads]:

"It's not racist to be concerned about immigration, Carol"
- The Anti-Woke Badger

10
FARAGE:
The badger... said that?

GOVERNOR:
It's a comment he posted on Facebook.

11
FARAGE:
Well he's quite right! It's not -

12
[Farage pauses again, distracted by the image on the screen]

13
FARAGE:
What's with the hat?

GOVERNOR:
He's into history.

[ends]

1 [Nurse talking to camera]
This is usually our busiest time of year at the centre

2 [Show a sign outside a medical institution reading:]

Centre for Adults Who Still Can’t Get Their Heads Round Daylight Savings

3
NURSE:
We have a spike in admissions when BST starts

4
CONFUSED PATIENT BEING LAID DOWN BY NURSES:
Is it forward or back?

NURSE:
Lie down love

5
We often see the same patients ever year

PATIENT:
So it’s like… time travel?

DOCTOR:
No

6 Every year we try to explain BST to them in a fun and memorable way

[The patients are sat around a fun show, with people dressed in bunny suits jumping around a giant clock]

BUNNY: And now I *spring forward*...

7
[Bunny springs forward one hour on clock]

8
PATIENT WATCHING SHOW:
I don’t get it

9
The hardest patients are the Summer Time refusers

10 PATIENT [sat strapped to a chair as a doctor talks to him through a screen, through a tannoy]

PATIENT: But why is it better?

DOCTOR [talking through microphone]:

Because it complicates things.

11
PATIENT:
How is that good?

DOCTOR:
It makes you more tired.

12

DOCTOR [to assistant]:
Fetch the cattle prod

[Ends]

[Scene is a suburban UK street, at night. A voice is coming from a semi-detached house.]

VOICE:

So let me get this straight:

You're a large, magic bunny...

[Cut to interior scene. We see a close-crop of the EASTER BUNNY, standing in the darkened living room of the house. The room is all drawn in atmospheric purples and blues, and a quadrant of light is cast on the wall from a streetlight outside the window.]

[We are still looking at the bunny. He is holding a boxed Easter egg. We noiw see that the voice speaking is not him but is instead coming from a character outside of frame].

Who's broken into this house at 1am to deposit shop-bought chocolate eggs...

EASTER BUNNY [looking awkward]:

Yes.

VOICE:

So people can remember...Jesus.?

EASTER BUNNY:

Yes.

[Pause]

Well I mean it sounds weird when you say it like that.

It is weird.

EASTER BUNNY:

Not as weird as you!

[Pull wider shot. We now see that the Voice is that of a large HAMSTER, who is holding a digital clock].

EASTER BUNNY:

What even is the 'BST Hamster' anyway?

BST HAMSTER:

*sigh*

I'm a large, magic hamster who breaks into people's houses at night and changes their clocks so they feel confused.

[Pause. They stand in silence, in the dark, thinking].

[Close up of the Bunny's face. he is still thinking in silence. He looks existentially nauseous].

EASTER BUNNY:

Do you ever feel your life makes no sense?

[Close up of the BST Hamster. He looks the same - silent, horrified].

BST HAMSTER:

Yeah.

[They stand in the silent living, dark room, in depressed silence.]

[Ends]

[Scene is the UK tv show BARGAIN HUNT, at an antiques fair. Presenter NATASHA RASKIN SHARP, expert KATE BLISS and two contestants are shopping for antiques.]

1
NATASHA RS:

Now Derek's spotted a real gem here…

What is it, Kate?

2
KATE BLISS [holding an odd-looking grey item in her hands]:

This, believe it or not...

...is the Rules Based International Order.

[We see the item close up. It is a cracked, broken, misshapen lump of grey pottery with two holes, a UN flag daubed on it, and a random wooden handle sticking out the side.

The contestants both make a face like, “Oooh”

KATE BLISS:

It was made in America

And it's actually what we used to stop World War 3, before everyone got bored of doing that.

So how it worked is, the Americans would speak a geopolitical issue into this hole here…

Turn the handle….

[Speaking into the object’s hole]:

Should we bomb Iran...?

[Lifting her face up from the object, smiling at the contestants]

…and then they'd just do whatever the f--- they liked.

CONTESTANT 1 [easily impressed face]:

Sounds pretty special, Julie

CONTESTANT 2 [to stall holder]:

We’ll give you £290.

[The seller, incidentally, looks a lot like Tony Blair, but that's just a side note]

[Cut to the AUCTION SCENE at the end of Bargain Hunt. The object is on the podium, the auctioneer closing the bidding].

AUCTIONEER:

Sold! £3.65.

CONTESTANTS:

Oh noooo

[We now pull back to see a wider view of the antiques fair and auction, and see that in the distance there is smoke, a distant mushroom cloud, ruined buildings]

NATASHA RS [To the contestants]:

Everything's riding on your mustard pot now!

[Ends]

1
[Opens with a wide view of a city skyline, empty blue sky]

2
[same image but now a huge, light grey rectangular object has appeared in the sky, at such an angle that we can't quite see what it is]

3
[cut to the people going about their business on the ground. Slowly they start to realise something has appeared in the sky.]

4
PERSON 1 [squinting up at the sky]:

Is that...

5
[we now see the object from their point of view. It is a huge floating voice note, as you would get in WhatsApp, and it is from GOD. In the bit showing how long the voice note is, it says: 4m years.]

6
PERSON 2 [Close up of their face looking horrified]:

It's a four-million year long voice note.. from God.

7
PERSON 1 [closing their eyes in despair]:

We've got to listen to it, haven't we.

8
[cut to some time later, a huge crane has been erected next to the voice note, a person at the end of it, reaches out and presses the play button]

9
GOD [voice coming from the voice note]:

Hiyaaa

10
GOD:

Sorry babes I was gonna do another Testament but I'm sending a voice note instead

11
[Show the people below, shutting eyes, looking pained as they resign themselves to having to listen to the whole thing otherwise they will look rude]

GOD:

Thought I'd just, y'know... set you all right again... woah look at that pigeon... haha I'm on Heaven High Street right and I just saw a big pigeon... anyway where was I...

[In between panels, to indicate time passing]:

(...)

12
[the scene is now the same as panel one, except the city skyline is now degraded, long since dead, an apocalyptic scene of lifeless ruin, silent beneath a blood-red sun]

GOD:

...Aaanyway sorry for the long note babes love you all byyye

*Bip *

[Ends]

[Scene is Kemi Badenoch, walking through beautiful springtime countryside and woodland. Around her, lots of spring-like things are going on - children dancing round a maypole, butterflies flitting, bees buzzing, flowers blooming, cricketers playing on village greens. Throughout all this, she just stays glued to her phone, and talks to us without looking up]:

[Title panel, like one of those old cute Ladybird books]:

'What To Look For In Spring
with Kemi Badenoch'

KEMI [glued to her phone, walking through beautiful scenes]:

One thing that always brings me joy at this time of year

is to spot a really dank meme.

Or seeing the number of plays on my Jordan Peterson podcast

Or beholding one of my mutuals get traction on X with a thread on Cultural Marxism and Gender Ideology

Or an inspiring takedown of Critical Race Theory by Katharine Birbalsingh, Britain's Strictest Headteacher!

Ah-look - @Rando64's posted a fire crying-doge meme clapping back at a leftist journalist's take

....on my Insta post memeing what I said to Jordan about the West being in crisis from the metropolitan elite.

[A silent panel of Kemi walking, still looking at her phone]

[Walking off into the woods, still on her phone]

KEMI:

Beautiful!

[Ends]

LET'S NOT PLAY FRISBEE WITH THAT POET ANYMORE.

[This is a comic strip, with a poem laid over it. On each panel a new line of the poem is written. The scene is a park, in the summer. A man in a trenchcoat - implicitly Philip Larkin - stands folorn, motionless, looking at people throwing a frisbee. It becomes apparent as the comic progresses that they are trying to play frisbee with him. He stand stock still for the whole comic, watching the frisbee as, panel by panel it soars closer and closer to him].

After contemplating the approaching frisbee for two silent panels, Philip begins his thoughts:

Unloosed, unheralded,
You soar toward me
Across the dying afternoon.

bright disc of childhood,
Long since thrown wide
Of Youth's green imaginings,

Your slow declining arc
Figures a sky-written truth:
We will all succumb, and soon

To earth's hard oblivion.

[The frisbee hits Philip on the head with a resounding DONK. He falls backwards, to the ground.

[Ends]

Scene is a suburban street. A green RANGE ROVER is parked on the kerb. We see two men approach it. We'll call them MAN 1 and MAN 2.

MAN 1 [showing Man 2 the Range Rover]
So yeah here it is

59,000 on the clock

Nice racing green

MAN 2:
Looks lovely

MAN 1:
It's got the heated seats, auto headlights

[Man 2 looks in the front seat]

MAN 2:
Really nice

[man 2 now opening the back door]

MAN 1:
Reverse camera, air quality sensor

Leather upgrade -

MAN 2:
What's that?

MAN 1:
What

MAN 2:
There's something on the back seat there

[we now see what he is looking at on the back seat. it is the tiny, shrivelled, calcified form of ANDREW MOUNTBATTEN WINDSOR, claw-like hands laced, his tiny body all grey, his hunted eyes glowing red]

MAN 1:
I can't see anything.

MAN 2:
You've got Andrew Mountbatten Windsor

MAN 1:
That's just light wear

MAN 2:
It's not light wear mate, it's the former Prince

It's completely ingrained in the leather

[he scratches disdainfully at the melted form of the royal wraith]

MAN 2:
Is this why you didn't show the back seat on the listing?

MAN 1:
It's a design feature.

MAN 2:
I've come down from Suffolk mate.

[Ends]

[Scene is THE OSCARS. On stage a PRESENTER CELEBRITY is about to announce Best Director.]

PRESENTER: And the winner is

Mr Director, for…

Let's Just Bung It On Streaming.

[Huge applause. On the screen behind him, a movie poster comes up. It is a Cinema Paradiso-style poster capturing the romance of cinema - a young boy beneath a movie projector beam, his rapt face illuminated by the image onscreen, while a design of movie film loops around behind him. The title is LET'S JUST BUNG IT ON STREAMING.].

[A typical grey-haired, bearded DIRECTOR comes on stage to accept the award. The rapturous applause stops as he goes to speak, pinching his fingers together meaningfully as he goes to speak].

DIRECTOR:

Thank you.

Thank you.

Y'know...

When we were making this picture I said to the studio,

"I'm not making a movie here.

I'm writing a love letter...

...to bunging it on streaming."

[HUGE BURST OF APPLAUSE]

DIRECTOR:

I want people to experience this like real cinema.

A communal thing...

Where you pause it every time someone needs a wee

Or mum wants to look up "what's that man been in".

I want this movie to just turn up one day on your TV

And you don't even know whether you're watching tellu or a film for the first 30 minutes.

I want to make literally one promotional poster...

And put it on one bus stop...

Behind the Screwfix in Bedford.

[HUGE APPLAUSE]

[Ends]

[We see a close up of a young white male, tanned, white teeth, coiffed hair clearly an influencer on social media. It is an image such as you see when social media posts are shown on the news. In the corner of the screen is named a location: DUBAI. He is staring slightly off-camera for several silent panels of the comic strip. His eyes move slightly. He is having a thought.]

From off-screen a newsreader’s commentary comes:

NEWSREADER:

Extraordinary images here

of an expat in Dubai

[The influencer’s eybrows raise slightly]

…Having their first ever geopolitical thought.

[CUT TO a BBC news scene. The BBC newsreader CLIVE MYRIE is talking to an interviewee next to the screen showing the social media influencer’s face. The interviewee’s name is David Jones].

CLIVE MYRIE:

To explain the significance of this moment we’re joined by David Jones, our Expat Thoughts correspondent

DAVID JONES:

Clive, this is momentous

It was caught on film at the end of an Instagram post titled: ‘Dubai Is Brilliant’.

[Pointing at the screen, the influencer’s expression still the same]

You can clearly see in the eyebrows here, the dawning realisation that there *might* be something in the world beyond his dickhead self.

It marks a *huge* departure from all the Dubai Expat’s previous thoughts.

CLIVE MYRIE:

Which are…?

DAVID JONES:

You've Got To Get Yourself Out Here Mate, Everything Is So Clean, I Don't Have To Pay Taxes,
I Am Incurious As To Why I Do Not Have To Pay Taxes, and Spa.

CLIVE MYRIE:

And might we see an expansion of these new Thoughts in coming days?

DAVID JONES:

I think we can expect to see:

“I Deserve To Be Airlifted By A Country I Pay No Tax To”

CLIVE MYRIE:

Mmm.

[Ends]

[Scene: exterior of Buckingham Palace. A voice comes from inside] Hello and welcome to the media training session!

[Scene moves to Interior, a room in the palace. THE QUEEN stands before a screen, hosting a workforce MEDIA TRAINING session for the Royal Family, who are all seated on chairs.] 
THE QUEEN: As you know we had to cut the PR budget, so I thought I’d do it myself

Now then: today’s topic is a common PR danger:

‘Avoiding Association with Sex Traffickers’.

So - Question 1.

What is the best way to avoid association with sex traffickers? 
Is it:

(a), Don’t associate with sex traffickers.

(b) Travel 3,500 miles to stay in a sex trafficker’s house to tell them you don’t like them.

(c) Something else?

[The Royal family all raise hands, apart from Andrew]

THE QUEEN: Ooh what a lot of hands!

THE QUEEN: Andrew?

ANDREW: Um 
ANDREW: Is it (c)… Release detailed records of your sweating history to Newsnight…?

[The Queen stares at Andrew for a beat]

THE QUEEN: [Same image as last panel, her face unchanged]: Let’s do the picture round.

THE QUEEN: Which face says, “I had nothing to do with the sex trafficker?”

[on the screen behind her are two faces labelled (a) and (b), one depicting a normal smiley face, the other depicting Andrew’s massively guilty expression from the BBC interview]

[Ends]

a cartoon portrait of Andrew Windsor doing the Guiltiest Expression Ever in his Newsnight interview

SCENE: A PASSPORT CONTROL GATE, IN THE SKY, ON A CLOUD. THE PASSPORT CONTROL GATE HAS ‘CORPOREAL REALM’ WRITTEN ON IT.

PASSPORT CONTROL OFFICIAL: Passport please, sir.

OFFICIAL [LOOKING AT PASSPORT]: Ah - the famous Dr Jenner!

EDWARD JENNER, A FLOATING GHOST IN EDWARDIAN GARB: Indeed, haha

OFFICIAL: And what's the purpose of your visit to the corporeal realm, Dr Jenner?

EDWARD JENNER: Haunting.

OFFICIAL: Oh lovely. Anyone nice?

EDWARD JENNER: Just a little tour of some anti-vaxxers.

OFFICIAL: Wonderful. I hear Andrew Wakefield’s bedroom is just •perfect• at this time of year.

EDWARD JENNER: It is! I spent last summer standing by his bed, calling him a c--.

OFFICIAL: Lucky yooou…

OFFICIAL [LOOKING AT DOCUMENTS]: Oh... oh dear...
 EDWARD JENNER: Is everything OK?

OFFICIAL: I’m afraid your card says you haven’t had the required stupidity vaccination for your trip.

EDWARD JENNER: Oh dear!
 OFFICIAL: It’s fine - we can do it here… 
Just read this anti-vax tweet by Jim Carrey 
EDWARD JENNER [reading a smartphone]: Egads!

[Ends]

[Scene is a domestic kitchen. Night time. The room is all blue apart from warm orange-pink light streaming in from a streetlight outside. In the center of the room stands a woman named BRANDI, standing in pyjamas looking contemplative, the light cast dramatically on her face. At the doorway, leaning against the frame, her partner JOEL stands has woken up and found her in the kitchen.]

JOEL:
Honey… what are you doing?

BRANDI:
Can’t sleep

Guess I just like standing in the kitchen at 3am thinking about the supernatural threat we temporarily defeated last year.

While saying that out loud in a manner which sounds casually ironic but is actually just blatant exposition.

JOEL:
Brandi… you're talking strange...

BRANDI:

Dammit Joel.

It’s time you knew.

You're a Netflix character.

[Joel looks shocked]

BRANDI:

Everybody you know has been forced to speak to you in second screen dialogue.

Second screen dialogue helps the people scrolling their phones in front of the TV to follow the -

JOEL:

Stop explaining, Brandi!

[Hands on head, emotional expression, warm pink light cast on his face against the cool blue darkness of the room].

JOEL:

So that's why my entire life has looked so glossy and...

BRANDI:
Yep...

Warm/cool colour graded.

[Cut to a TV show TITLE SCREEN]:

SECOND SCREEN
- A Netflix original -

[Ends]

Portrait in gouache on paper of a woman in a sunny allotment. the heads of her children are poking out of the ground and she is watering them with a watering can. To the sides stand her husband, her dog, and in the distance are her houses and car.

Reddit post accompanied by a photo of hot looking young Stalin with lovely hair:

hey guys how do I get Stalin hair without showing the barber a picture of Joseph Stalin.

Cartoon strip

[Show DANIEL DAY LEWIS in a sit-down junket interview to promote a film]

1
DDL:
In a way I suppose the process

2
DDL:
of showing different stories to an audience
Literally *through* yourself, almost as a kind of tool,

3
DDL:
is very similar to that of being an actor.

INTERVIEWER:
Fascinating

4
DDL:
And then of course when I was lucky enough to meet ViewMaster himself

5
DDL:
Do you remember when I came to your attic?

6
[Silent panel of a MATTEL VIEWMASTER sitting on a chair next to him]

7
DDL:
ViewMaster was kind enough to invite me into his attic

8
DDL:
And I sat in his box with him, and studied his mannerisms

INTERVIEWER:
Such as…

DDL:
Sitting in a box.

[About here we see a movie poster behind them that says VIEWMASTER starring DANIEL DAY-LEWIS - A Mattel film]

9
DDL:
Did you ever feel you were getting… lost in the role?

Oh it’s like a sickness, haha!

10
DDL:
I remember going home to my wife one evening
and demanding that she look into my “Viewing Holes” - that’s what I called my nipples

11
DDL:
And I “showed” her this whole satirical story about Mattel, and the politics of ViewMaster….

12
DDL:
That was when we knew we had our story.

INTERVIEWER:
Incredible

[Ends]

A family portrait painted by Stephen Collins. A family of four, two parents and female kids adult and teenage, all sitting on to- of things that are meaningful to them like cupcakes and teddies etc. the setting is a canyon in the USA and the sky is bright blue.

Scene is a spoof TV news item. The NEWSREADER is talking to camera from behind the desk.

NEWSREADER:
Now, here to discuss the smartphone ban in schools…

We have with us, YouTube Shorts.

[Pull back to show an anthropomorphised version of the YOUTUBE SHORTS screen, sat in the interviewee's chair across from the newsreader]

NEWSREADER:
Good morning.

YOUTUBE SHORTS:
Hi

NEWSREADER:
You Tube Shorts, you work in education...

YOUTUBE SHORTS:
Yes.
I work in schools across the country teaching Epic Dance
Fail, Try Not To Cringe Challenge and Al Slop.

NEWSREADER:
And will the proposed phone ban limit your ability to do your job?

YOUTUBE SHORTS:
No.
I'll still be on all school laptops because YouTube is vaguely educational and Google have made me impossible to turn off.

NEWSREADER:
So children are being asked to do their homework on...

...the most advanced distraction machine ever created?

YOUTUBE SHORTS:
Well-
I think a more constructive way to frame that question might be:

Can IShowSpeed jump over a moving Lamborghini?

[The newsreader silently looks at the screen on YOUTUBE SHORTS's front, where a YouTuber jumps over a Lamborghini. This continues for an awkward beat]

NEWSREADER:
Woah.

NEWSREADER [returning to awareness]:
What were we talking about?

YOUTUBE SHORTS [pointing at the next Short which has appeared on its own front]:
Look at this fat dog.

[ends]