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A screenshot. It would have been bad enough had this been a prime 2010s Timbers side going this ham on Seattle. But what makes this such an utter catastrophe is that the 2026 Timbers might be one of the worst sides Providence Park has ever assembled. Aside from James Pantemis - who of course played like prime Manuel Neuer on Thursday, though he's usually a good keeper regardless - there's a bunch of nobodies, a bunch of good players well past their prime, and I guess there's also Finn Surman. Diego Chará is older than sin for crying out loud. Granted, they didn't have the 300-pound millstone of Phil Neville hanging around their necks. But the mid-1917 Hapsburg Empire was still the mid-1917 Hapsburg Empire, whether its field armies were led by Conrad von Hotzendorf or not; ditto for their soccer equivalents. I guess that makes the Sounders our Italy equivalent. They certainly played according to the immortal spirit of Luigi Cadorna; that is to say, in a manner of disastrous incompetence.
Screenshot of the 2026 MLS Next Pro Western Conference table based on overall record. Portland Timbers 2 are in third place.
History, baby. History.
A professional soccer pundit.
Translation THOMAS CHRISTIANSEN WILL CONTINUE TO COMMAND OF THE PANAMA NATIONAL TEAM The Panamanian Football Federation reports that, through its Executive Committee, it has decided to give continuity to the sports project it began in 2020 with Thomas Christiansen as coach of the Men's Senior Team. The FPF reached an agreement with Christiansen, which establishes mechanisms so that the next Executive Committee, which will be elected in December, can decide to give continuity or not to this project without putting at risk the finances of the federation. In the coming days the legal representatives of the FPF and Thomas Christiansen will begin the process of drafting the respective contract. The FPF and its Executive Committee, after a thorough and detailed analysis, are convinced that, after the work done in recent years, with Thomas Christiansen the National Team will continue to evolve and bring joy to our country, also creating better conditions for all members of the ecosystem, Including the clubs of the federated leagues and amateur soccer (through their provincial and corregimiento leagues), among others. The FPF thanks Thomas Christiansen for his willingness during this process of talks, which will be formalized with the signing of the contract in the the coming weeks to start the new stage from August 1, 2026 until the end of the World Cup process 2030.
Screen shot of T2 goalkeeper Sam Joseph’s 2026 stats.
Bed sheet tifo with “Shut Up, Alexi” spray painted in large letters on it.
Days since the last Timbers hat trick in league play.
List of results of Montreal and Timbers matches in Montreal going back to 2012.
The number of days that have passed since the last time the Portland Timbers posted a hat trick in league play: 6867 days.
Screenshot of the FotMob app. Phil Neville’s mugshot is strangely absent.
Matt Doyle’s Matchday 1 power ranking for the Portland Timbers Football Club: “14. Portland Timbers: Diego Chará forever.” Up 3 spots from last week.
“Alexander Aravena's time at Gremio is over. After two seasons, the Chilean striker decided to end his spell at the Brazilian club and is now packing his bags for a new challenge abroad. “According to information from ADN Deportes, the national team player will continue his career in Portland Timbers, a team that competes in the MLS in the United States.”
Matt Doyle’s selection for the 2026 Gass Theorem Player of the Year where talks about Kristoffer Velde (“he wants all the smoke”) but ultimately doesn’t choose him.
Matt Doyle’s preseason power ranking for the 2026 Portland Timbers. “Phil Neville got the Timbers to play HARD against San Diego in the playoffs. It was suicidal, man-mark everywhere stuff, but they executed with real commitment in pushing that series to three games. I just want to point that out.”
Latest PTFC rumor.
“Santos has shown interest in the attacker Antony Alves, formerly of Corinthians, who plays for Portland Timbers in the MLS, and inquired about business conditions, but has cooled its pursuit of the player at this moment. “The North American team is asking for about 10 million dollars (R$ 55 million) to negotiate for him, a value considered high. He has a contract until the end of 2026 with Portland. “The information was initially disclosed by Ge and confirmed here.”
Screenshot of a tweet. Portland Timbers winger Antony possibly on his way to Santos of Brazil?
A white banner with a message in black spray paint hanging from a rail. It reads, “SHUT UP, ALEXI”
PTFC rumored transfer target Diego Tarzia celebrates. Text reads: “From the United States, they confirm that there are two MLS clubs interested in Diego Tarzia. Portland Timbers and San Jose Earthquakes are the ones interested in the winger from Independiente.”
Timbers August 2026 schedule before the addition of a minimum 3 Leagues Cup matches.
A screenshot of FC Tulsa’s Taylor Calheira stats for 2025.
Phil Neville
Number of days since David Hague recorded the last hat trick in league play for the Portland Timbers.
Count of days between today and the last time the Portland Timbers recorded a hat trick in league play.
“Fans are not stupid. I'm sure these games will sell some tickets, which always happens when Mexican teams come to the United States, but only the most naive will see this as anything like a genuine competition, no matter how loudly participants scream "We are taking this extremely seriously" as RSL head coach Mike Petke did. My suspicion is that most fans, especially those without a team participating, will simply ignore it while also crossing their fingers that their team isn't forced to play in it the subsequent years. Even if MLS teams perform well, no one will accept it as proof that the quality gap has been significantly closed.” Sounder at Heart, May 31, 2019
A soccer pundit with an unfortunate moment popping open a champagne bottle.
A professional soccer pundit.
Latest News Juan Mosquera Transfer from Portland Timbers to Anderlecht Anderlecht has expressed interest in Juan David Mosquera, according to Argentinian journalist Mariano Olsen. Mosquera, a 22-year-old Colombian international, is currently under contract with Portland Timbers in MLS until the end of 2027. His market value is noted to be around 3 million euros. Alongside Anderlecht, Spartak Moscow is also reportedly interested in acquiring the skilled right-back. Since joining Portland Timbers in the summer of 2022, Mosquera has made 93 appearances, scoring four goals and providing ten assists. Anderlecht's pursuit of Mosquera is fueled by their need to bolster their defense, particularly on the right flank, due to existing challenges with player availability and the potential departure of current squad members.
Injured Portland Timbers players Zac McGraw, David da Costa, and Antony’s reaction to seeing RSL take the lead this evening.
The number of days since the last Portland Timbers hat trick in league play. 6556 days.
A very learned sounding self-own.
A screenshot of the stats of the May 4, 2025 match between Sporting Kansas City and Los Angeles Galaxy. SKC won 1-0 on a Galaxy own goal and without recording a single shot. Historic.
Latest Power Ranking for PTFC.
Screenshot of some of Matt Doyle’s MLS Matchday 7 Power Rankings.
Matt Doyle’s introductory sentence for his MLS Matchday 7 Power Rankings.
“6468 days July 15, 2007 - March 30, 2025” The number of days that have passed since the Portland Timbers last hat trick in league play.
A screenshot of the Des Moines Menace Starting XI for their Lamar Hunt US Open Cup First Round matchup vs Sporting Kansas City II on 3/19/25.
Evander’s latest Instagram story. Text reads “Tomorrow…” with 3 bubbles
Darío Zuparic is shown a picture of the current conditions in Portland. He says, incredulously, “It’s Photoshop”
Evander of the Portland Timbers doing fitness drills. He is wearing lots of layers. It’s an overcast sky. It appears he’s at the Timbers trading facility in Beaverton, OR
Evander’s latest Instagram story. Text reading “Everything is gonna be alright” superimposed over a picture of a dusky sky and an empty road, save for one vehicle.
Screenshot of an Instagram profile