The thread o’ tweets

@threadotweets.bsky.social

24260 Followers 1 Following

All the tweets I love, a few I hate. A few skeets too! Posted individually this time instead of threaded Posting in large batches, pls address complaints to dennisbhooper Alt text added but reply w/ additional description as you see fit. Also bluesky @‘s

Devon Price @drdevonprice its fast fashion to You. im wearing a forever21 sweater i got during the bush administration 10/10/21
Lauren L Walker @LLW902 the simple fact of the matter is that those of us who committed every sea shanty from Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World to memory are just better prepared for prolonged isolation than the rest of you 3/16/20
name cannot be blank @stfuayen when i randomly remember one of my shirts i haven't seen in a while (Morty from Rick and morty waking up confused)
horse deals @heymermaid "This bad boy can fit so many oats" I slap the thoroughbred on his flank and he takes off running. I start to cry and jog after him
Daniel Kibblesmith @kibblesmith I love that Slow Horses is mainly one spy who strategically makes himself so disgusting that he's effectively invisible and one spy who is unforgettably handsome and is always running top speed and shoving people out of the way shouting MOVE IT, I'M A SPY
Cullen Crawford @HelloCullen. landlords should not exist except as a mean nickname sailors call us
dave karpf @davekarpf Aug 26, 2019 This afternoon, I tweeted a brief joke about a well-known NYT op- Ed columnist. It got 9 likes and 0 retweets. I did not @ him. He does not follow me. He just emailed me, cc'ing my university provost. He is deeply offended that I called him a metaphorical bedbug. Alright fine... here is the email: (Screenshot of the email from Bret Stephens) From Bret Stephens, New York Times Stephens, Bret< to dkarpf, gwprovost 9:10 PM (59 minutes ago) Dear Dr. Karpf, Someone just pointed out a tweet you wrote about me, calling me a "bedbug." I'm often amazed about the things supposedly decent people are prepared to say about other people -- people they've never met -- on Twitter. I think you've set a new standard. I would welcome the opportunity for you to come to my home, meet my wife and kids, talk to us for for a few minutes, and then call me a "bedbug" to my face. That would take some genuine courage and intellectual integrity on your part. I promise to be courteous no matter what you have to say. Maybe it will make you feel better about yourself. Please consider this a standing invitation. You are more than welcome to bring your significant other. Cordially, Bret Stephens (Top of screenshot of Prof. Karpf’s original quote-tweet) Dave Karpf @davekarpf The bedbugs are a metaphor. The bedbugs are Bret Stephens. Stuart A. Thompson @stuartathompson Breaking-There are bedbugs in the NYT newsroom.
helena @freshhel I understand tht a very popular personality to perform rn is like "glamorous philosopher" but some of you are stupid
the heart @Fredward3948576 I am beyond blessed to inhabit the Earth at the same time as the moose, a beast of considerable proportions
Oscar Meyer Lansky @Medium Reginald "So yeah, this is my dog" "Hey there pal! How are you doing?" "And this is my cat" [nods] "Comrade."
slate @pleasebegneiss.bsky.social alright everybody stand up for this person to sing a really hard song about the war of 1812 solo a cappella, if they fuck up it will haunt them forever. then we'll play some baseball
@raxkingisdead I like the whole Gondor/Mordor thing. All cities should have an evil version right across the river, like DC and Arlington
Alec Sulkin @thesulk "Wanna listen to The Band?" "No. I'm just going to sit on an accordion while watching a Civil War documentary." Dec 29, 2017 Robbie Robertson @r0bbier0berts0n Wish I could've written for the Cleveland Show, instead.
Warrior Cop @wyatt_privilege instagram used to trick ppl into fucking up bc you'd be used to double tapping a pic to zoom in and surprise you just hearted some girl's beach pic from 2 mos ago. same shit back in spirit by telling ppl who watches their stories 11/19/18
Jax Philosopher Queen @Diamond_Jax Bluey referenced "mitochondria" and I immediately said to my 4yo "the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" like a sleeper agent who just heard their activation phrase
Coolee Bravo @BravoCoolee Twitter the only place where well articulated sentences still get misinterpreted. You can say "I like pancakes" and somebody will say "So you hate waffles?" No bitch. Dats a whole new sentence. Wtf is you talkin about.
Argon Dreamcast Evangelion @synthandlasers Stan Lee: "So this guy has the powers of a spider. But we need a villain. What's the natural enemy of a spider?" Jack Kirby: *claws his way out from under a three-hundred pound pile of cocaine" "Goblins"
Peter Raleigh @PetreRaleigh I love watching movies. Very few things I love more than watching movies. But choosing what movie to watch? WOATed activity. Bottom of the barrel use of leisure time
Commander Ikari @NERV_Com the fact that i'm at risk of seeing a 14 year old's opinion at any point during my day is a human rights violation Aug 30, 2020
Christopher @molochofficial theologians don't want you to know that you can defeat any vice or sin by accelerating it. A few years ago I became so greedy that I had a reverse-mystical experience and decided that everything in the world already belonged to me, rendering material acquisition redundant.
Rachel Shukert @RachelShukert The South had a culture of grotesque cruelty but tolerance for personal eccentricity and the Midwest had a culture of basic decency combined with total insistence on social conformity and now the two bad parts have come together to form the horror we have now 6/20/22
The Baller of the First Sin @ByYourLogic the pallas cat shows you really don't need to reinvent the wheel to make something great. it's just a denser cat with a 30 percent more expressive face and it's amazing. they didn't kill themselves trying to make a whole new animal, they just altered some things and made a hit
Rory Blank @BoneJail my brain tells me that height and age are the same thing and anyone taller than me is older than me and any time you see two similar looking people near eachother the taller one is the dad like every time i see the rock standing next to vin diesel I think "that's his dad"
Matt @matttomic every time I see an Angels highlight it's like "Mike Trout hit three homes runs and raised his average to .528 while Shohei Ohtani did something that hasn't been done since 'Tungsten Arm' O'Doyle of the 1921 Akron Groomsmen, as the Tigers defeated the Angels 8-3" May 17, 2021
Grimes @Grimezsz I'm not a communist - I'm probably a capitalist but I think the incentives in capitalism are bad, and the dollar shud be backed by something more meaningful - like trees. I know that's insane and likely impossible but I'm an artist so my job is to say things like this
Variety @Variety Aug 23, 2023 Michael Mann says that his film "Blackhat" was "ahead of the curve": "There were a number of people who thought this was all fantasy. Wrong. Everything is stone-cold accurate.” Jack Eason... @realJackEason Again repeating my brother-in-law's story about him and his Google coworkers going to see the movie as a goof and walking out acknowledging it was the most accurate portrayal of cyber security they had ever seen in a film.
Peter Raleigh @PetreRaleigh When I was in college I saw a fellow student ask my professor for an extension, promising to get his paper in by midnight that night. The professor responded "well, is that enough time?" and I genuinely don't think any single moment has ever been more impactful on my own teaching
Justin Halpern @justin_halpern. ooof the kicker on this New York Times story... (Screenshot of NYT story with fake final paragraph) The Republican bill would have repealed tax penalties for people who go without health insurance, rolled back federal insurance standards, reduced subsidies for the purchase of private insurance and set new limits on spending for Medicaid, the federal-state program for more than 70 million low-income people. The bill would also have repealed taxes imposed by the Affordable Care Act on health insurance providers, manufacturers of prescription drugs and medical devices, and many high-income people. It was a stunning failure for Paul Ryan. He exited the White House in defeat and took no questions as he stepped into his black SUV. Within moments, the muffled sound of Papa Roach's "Last Resort" were heard blaring from inside the car as it drove away.
@madjaymilton.bsky.social The jerk store called. They voted 11-3 to unionize! Everyone welcome Jerks Local 217
Zack Budryk @BudrykZack Our tour guide in Charleston said we'd passed the last public bathroom but also just pointed out John Calhoun's grave, which is it
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz. Feb 10 Wordle is boring.... the answer is always either "STURM" or "DRANG"
Ben Rosen @ben_rosen 3/23/24 yeah I’ve got march madness (I am reading Little Women)
h @ipodmacbook trials: fine. not my first choice but ill deal with these tribulations: this is where i draw the line
Ded Moroz @InternetHippo Sucks when you try to be world- weary and post "Next year will be bad!" and some guy one ups you by saying "This naive fool thinks there will be a next year." You thought you were taking gold in the gloom olympics but got clowned at the finish line
the practiced isolate (grettings,) @Respectful_0 (this was normal_now ‘s new account) r/adulting So all my dishes are dirty...What $!&# do i do now? The Dish washing Megathread v2.0
Brigadier General William R... @seanrmoorhead 11/1/19 I have only suffered irony partition failure twice in my life. The first time happened when I was hit by a truck. The paramedics asked me who was president and I answered, "Barack Hussein Obama." Brigadier General William R... @seanrmoorhead 11/1/19 The second time was earlier this year in sixth grade art class. A girl told me her grandfather died on 9/11 in one of the towers and I said, "My grandfather also died on 9/11. He was flying one of the planes." It was like a reflex.
Ben Rosen @ben_rosen VITAMIN WATER: we're like water, but with vitamins ME: which ones VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin ME: no it's not VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Cee @_ceee_ I just had an idea Cee @_ceee_ (stick figure diagram showing a howling man in a shower with red and blue water coming out in discrete waves. Labels say: hot water, cold water, some type of device that rapidly oscillates hot and cold, extreme sensory hell shower)
Cullen Crawford @HelloCullen there should be a restaurant but just for drinks Aschleighje @aschleighj2022 A bar Cullen Crawford @HelloCullen youre right im really spittin here
wint @dril every generation deserves at least 5 movies named "Spider Man 2"
warrior cop @wyatt_privilege Lol the same executive at nbc greenlit fear factor and the apprentice, setting an unbelievable sequence of events in motion 1/28/22
Dirk Fuckner @timerube (trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it's popping at the farg tonight!
Normal @normal_now Lol you still live with your parents dude? Move in with me man we got a sweet 2 bedroom off the subway line with 8 roommates that used to all be friends but now hate each other and we all gave each other communicable mental illness
wint @dril i have trained my two fat identical sons to sit outside of my office and protect my brain from mindfreaks by meditating intensely 15 Nov 2013
reply: like come on, clout is fun and all but at least stick to your gimmick
Reply: You could’ve just use the repost feature on this site
Thing Bad @Merman_Melville Logan Roy: So...what's the move on this? Kendall: Well... It's... Fucking.... uh... peepee fucking, poopoo, right? Roman: Jesus Christ. UhH PeEpEE poOpOO? Even for you that's like, lobotomy shit. Logan: He's right. Roman: Ha- wait, what? Logan: (slowly nodding) Peepee Poopoo. 10/10/19
OnionTM (they/them) @AnarchOnion "When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer" is such a raw quote and its so funny that it was entirely made up by the Die Hard movie and is the exact opposite of what happened historically
lauren.rotatingsandwiches.com @NotABigJerk INNOCENT US TOURIST IN EU: pardonnez- moi, garcon... une agua, sil voo plait? SINISTER EU WAITER: u are swine. u are gross pig-freak INNOCENT EU TOURIST IN US: citizen- waiter, though i find the practice barbaric, i shall tip 15% SINISTER US WAITER: [assuming tactical stance]
wint @dril lets see if that Awful Groundhog can predict six weeks of Electro House blaring directly into its shity cage
Nate Fryburger @NFryburger Because our dog knows "walk", we started calling them "leg parades" instead. Anyway, there's that. I'm going for a bike ride. Happy Sunday.
adult nine inch nails fan @adultninfan most useless job is the guy who checks IDs at the wilco show
Lacanye West @steelydante euphoria but it's about chevy chase, jonathan rosenbaum, and the guys from steely dan all going to bard college together
sick public transit, gloria @seungylee14 gm to the tiktok lady who said the myth of Sisyphus is about the value of having a good daily routine and that Sisyphus is happy because he is getting more swole every time he pushes the boulder up. my brain gets hot like an old laptop thinking about it
jay @listenupnerds you will NOT get me to watch The Walking Dead For People Who Still Do Wordle 1/30/23
shelby fero @shelbyfero Following Just once I want to see "Soooo many animals harmed in the making of this movie. Like, SO many. An insane amount. Too many, probably."
Coffee Lovers and Fans > @tonyhawktruther If that's your girl why is she in my historic downtown reading my informational signage?
my life is a living hell. every minute i... ▾ @on_da_spectrum Harry Styles thinks of himself as being next in the lineage of great British pop stars, a David Bowie/Mick Jagger/Elton John type figure, but he just doesn't have *it*. He doesn't have the singles, and he certainly doesn't have the albums. And also he doesn't have sex with men
Liam NissanTM @theliamnissan Krysten Sinema is the type of person who would wear a wedding dress to someone else's wedding.
law dog, esq. @ggooooddddoogg supreme court decides 6-3 to tell the teacher he forgot to assign us homework today 3/1/23