Viz Comic

@vizcomic.bsky.social

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Our readers have understood the concept of Buyer's Remorse since 1979. Buy the Profanisaurus or Subscribe here: https://lnk.bio/vizcomicofficial

I'VE just bought a new TV and wonder if any of your readers could recommend a show with James Corden in? It's just I want to check that the mute button works. Skipper McKipper, Ashbourne
I WOKE this morning to the wonderful sight of a woodpecker in my garden. By the time I had made myself a cup of tea, it had disappeared. What kind of society do we live in when people are coming into people's gardens and stealing woodpeckers? JC, e-mail
I HAD a look at the Periodic Table the other day and Christ, what a load of rubbish. Who's ever heard of Molybdenum or Astatine or Hafnium? Come on scientists, stick to everyday elements that we are all familiar with, like wood, glass and sand. Ben Nunn, Caterham
WHAT A con these so-called "notebooks" are. They're just books without any words, and yet most of them cost much more than best-selling novels. If I was an author, I'd just be sending blank pages to my publisher and going down the pub. lan Shakespeare, Funtingdon-on-the-Funt
CRICKETERS. Shout "CATCH IT" when a ball is hurtling towards your team mate's face in case he hasn't thought of that. HP., Arbeth Narbeth
I PERSONALLY think that the Inverness Tourist Board should buy a load of baby crocodiles on the internet and release them in Loch Ness so the tourists will have something to see. JC, Pembroke
Magazine Letter: Im sick of wearing light-coloured, loose fitting trousers in the summer because any light splash shows up. Roll on the cold winter so I can wear dark jeans and piss all over myself in peace. Smithers, Durham
Magazine Tip: Recreate the Glastonbury experience in your front room by watching it on television and getting someone to wave a fucking huge flag in your face so you can't see it. Grant, Windsor
I AM meeting a friend for coffee today at 4.30pm, but unfortunately my watch battery ran out yesterday. Luckily, the watch stopped at 4.25pm and it's a five minute walk to the cafe, so I should arrive bang on time. Gareth Price, Portland
IT'S SAID that beef produc- ton contributes massively to global warming due to the methane emissions from cattle. Yet I've been a veggie for a week now and I haven't stopped trumping. It ap. pears we're in a lose-lose situation. Mr P. Rant, Southsea
Every week I recycle dozens of wine bottles and countless beer cans, whereas my neighbours only manage a couple of jam jars. Come on people! I can't fix global warming on my own. Rik Crompton, e-mail
PRETEND you are the Prime Minister of Great Britain by placing a podium in the middle of the road in front of your house and announcing to neighbours and passers-by that you have resigned from your job. Paul Forshaw, Atherton
Top Tip: Buy tennis balls from poundland and keep them in a pringles tube. That way, from a distance, people will think you are a good tennis player as you can afford the good tennis balls. Mr Pringle, e-mail
Tissues are very expensive these days, and it seems extravagant to throw them out after only sneezing on them once. To get more that one use out of a tissue, Simply lay it flat and gently scrape the mucus off it with a butter knife, before dabbing it dry with a paper towel or blotting paper. Then leave it to dry by placing it between several sheets of newspaper and putting it in a heavy book for about a month, changing the newspaper every 6 hours without fail. Edna Newcastle, Haltwhistle
Cover pic of the new issue, and a letter: "I'm not sure what planet boffins are on when they say our toothbrushes will last for half a millennium on this planet. I bought 12 for £1.99 at Bargains Galore four months ago and every one of them is already knackered. Russ Poor, Shittlehampton"
Why don't you see paper-weights anymore? Is paper heavier these days, or has the average wind speed dropped in the last 30 years? Peter Constantine, Merseyside
Why do people insist on saying 'I might get run over by a bus tomorrow?' Why not a car, or a lorry? As a bus driver, I want to assure your readers that we are no more responsible for running people over than drivers of other vehicles. I think I have only run over one or maybe two people in the entire thirty years I have worked for my local bus company. Bus Driver, email
Today, i saw an advert for child adoption on the back of a bus I was following, I understand that a decision to go to mcdonalds or join the RAC may be inspired by these adverts, and that's fine. But with regard to the life-changing decision to adopt a child, I imaging a bit more forethought is needed than idly reacting to an ad on the back of the 34A to Hanley. John Mason, email
They say romance is dead, do they? Well I don't think I've ever heard anyone say 'romance is dead' except as part of the phrase "and they say romance is dead.' Chris Cait e-mail
I HAVE often wondered why people give dummies to babies. On reflection I suppose it is better than them biting someone. A friend of mine had his leg bitten off, although I think a crocodile was responsible for that. Alan Heath, e-mail
USED espresso coffee pods make ideal tinfoil bucket hats for conspiracy theorist mice looking to go to an Oasis gig. Chris Roskilly, Brighton
I KNOW four people called Gary, and every one of them ends up in situations you'd expect someone called Gary to end up in. They also all work in jobs you would expect someone called Gary to work in. I wonder if it's the same for people with other names, like Kevin or Gerry, or even Philomena? Fascinating. Gary, Portadown
THEY SAY that gravity is the weakest of all the forces. but it's still strong enough to thwart my attempts to lift objects using only the power of my mind. So surely that makes telekinesis the weakest of all forces. Stephen C Smith, email
WHEN packing for a holiday, put a few heavy items that you won't need, such as housebricks, in the suitcase. Then, if you find your luggage is overweight at the check- in desk, you can simply remove as many of the bricks as required to get below that magic 45kg limit. Howitt, Bedford
A PARCEL delivery company in my town has the slogan "Going The Extra Mile". Well I certainly won't be using their services. I'd like my parcels delivered to my door, not driven a mile away and dropped off. And I'll wager they charge for that extra mile too, the robdogs. Antony, Invercargill, NZ
SHAMPOO and conditioner makers. Ensure we have to wear our glasses in the shower by putting your products in identical-looking bottles and using 4-point font size on the labels. Geoff Evans, Brecon
WHAT'S so special about used teabags? In my house, every other bit of kitchen rubbish goes straight in the bin. But not teabags. They get put on a special dish next to the kettle to lie in state for 24 hours in view of everyone. Are tea bags somehow related to the Royal Family? Joe Newson, Fort William