D.N. Schmidt, SF authorđŸȘđŸ“š

@dnschmidt.com

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Science fiction novelist and humorist. Follow for stories, jokes, and thoughts about writing and creativity. Get my books, free stories, and writing tips at https://dnschmidt.com. Sign up for email updates so you don’t miss a thing!

The cover of Inspiration Overdose by D.N. Schmidt, surrounded by images representing story ideas - A UFO, a zombie, a rocket, an atom, a dragon, and a solar system.
Gray rabbit in grass
A static-covered television with the words "How can a VHS tape doom humanity? Read before it's too late." Next to it is a copy of the science fiction short story collection The Doom Tapes by D.N. Schmidt.
Two corn on the cobs on a plate and the article headline “We asked four chefs the best way to cook corn on the cob and they all said the same thing”
A short story - A group of women were on an island, singing a hypnotic tune on the beach. Sue gestured to stop the song. “Why does Betty get to lounge under a tree instead of helping us lure sailors to their doom?” “She’s not a siren like us,” Zoe said. “She’s an alarm clock.” “Beep! Beep! Beep!” Betty yelled. The sound was so loud, it shook a coconut from the tree. The coconut bounced off her head and knocked her unconscious. “Oh no!” Sue rose to her feet. “We have to help her!” Zoe shrugged. “She’s fine. She’ll go off again in nine minutes.”
A bunch of arrows pointing to the cover of The Screaming Void, a space opera novel by D.N. Schmidt, floating over a purplish starry background. The arrows point out the interesting elements in the book, including ray guns, spaceships, space madness, knife fights, space gangsters, a mysterious cult, aliens, and cat science.
The Grinch Who Blew Up Freedom Day It was two in the morning, and the Grinch was awake. Every two seconds, his whole house would shake. It was Freedom Day, the worst time of year. The constant explosions filled him with fear. The Whos were dancing with their dads and their moms, enjoying their freedoms, and great big bombs. They didn’t care who they annoyed, as long as they got the big booms they enjoyed. “Bomb-haters are just silly nerds and dumb geeks. Big booms are fun, so we’ll boom them for weeks! Who cares about you? You’re you and not me. I have cash to burn but no empathy.” At last the poor Grinch finally had enough. He’d go down to Whoville and steal all their stuff! He took all their bombs and all their rockets, and carried them off in his cargo shorts pockets. He piled them in a cave under the town, and launched the town up. It never came down! After that, the world was a quieter place, thanks to those jerks being stuck in outer space.
The cover of They Ate The Waitress, a funny mystery novel by D.N. Schmidt, and the words “How do you solve a murder mystery when the evidence has been eaten?”
The cover of Inspiration Overdose, a story idea generator by D.N. Schmidt, surrounded by images illustrating the ideas that can be found in the book - dragons, zombies, spaceships, and more.
A white pasta plate with sausage, broccoli, and gnocchi on a bed of lettuce and spinach, with a bit of mozzarella cheese.
The cover of Inspiration Overdose by D.N. Schmidt, surrounded by images representing story ideas - A UFO, a zombie, a rocket, an atom, a dragon, and a solar system.
The science fiction short story collection The Doom Tapes floating in space, next to the words “Retro nostalgia meets cosmic chaos! From video store clerks battling an alien invasion to a high stakes asteroid heist, these fifteen science fiction stories deliver interstellar excitement!”
The phrase “Amazon Orange Tortoise Spider” formatted as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles logo
Yoshi, a black and white, smiling German Shepherd/Husky mix, and Roscoe, a brown and white Doberman/Australian Shepherd mix standing behind him
An exhausting opening paragraph from a hypothetical science fiction novel: My AI MindGuide assured me that the Robo-Wasps that killed 87% of the population in the DNA Wars couldn't break through Invinci-Glass, as it was even stronger than Calrokian Turbo-Steel, but my pet zorgg still had to calm me with a PsyTrance. I was meditating on the floor of my Multiverse Ship when Cassie, my simulated holo-girlfriend, materialized from her Time Crystal. Thanks to our BrainChip connection, I knew right away that something was wrong. "It's Grapptox!" she said. "The Martian anti-ghost vaccines have been stolen by inter-dimensional pirates from Universe Containment Cell Twelve!"
The cover of Inspiration Overdose, a creativity boosting book by D.N. Schmidt. The cover features an illustration of a yellow head surrounded by symbols representing the ideas the book will inspire, like dragons, spaceships, zombies, planets, and more.
The cover of They Ate The Waitress, a murder mystery by D.N. Schmidt, sitting on a plate with a fork and knife. It is surrounded by arrows pointing out the book's many features: a drug-addled detective, murder mystery, cannibalism, cat puns, furniture falling from the sky, and available at Amazon now.
A screenshot of a BBC news article showing a picture of a whale in some water and the headline “Whale to be removed from Danish.” The next line, “island after failed German rescue,” has been cropped out to make the joke work.
A screenshot of the Google homepage showing how desperate they are for people to use their AI garbage with an AI Mode button in the search box, a Gemini link below that, another AI Mode button, an AI image generator button, and more.
Monster Match, a flash fiction story: “You didn’t pick a monster?” Rachel said, scowling at her friend’s betrayal. “Vampires are more powerful, so not voting for werewolves just helps the vamps win!” “But why do we need monsters?” Sam said. She folded her arms. “I bet you’re one of those people who says all monsters are the same. Isn’t running for your life once a month better than every night?” “My issue is with the whole monster system,” he said, rubbing his brow. “Can’t we deal with overcrowding nonviolently, instead of thinning the population with monster attacks?” She sighed. “I don’t support every werewolf mauling, but you have to be strategic.” She tossed back her head and howled the Wolf Party slogan. “Vote awooo no matter who!” Months later, the monster wranglers prepared to release the vampires. “Bob,” Jim said, “do you ever feel guilty about this?” “Of course not,” Bob said. “Nearly everyone supports the monster system. Just look at the voter turnout!”
A photo of two Wilko brand board games, their version of "Sorry" called "Don't Torment Me," and their version of Guess Who called "Who Am I"
A screenshot of a search result for a page at a diaper brand’s website, showing “Top female names that start with P — Pampers”.
A Burger King style logo with the text Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
An article with the headline “Gen Z reports early cognitive decline.” Below the headline is an ad for a generative AI “vibe coding” class.
The cover of The Doom Tapes, a science fiction collection by D.N. Schmidt. It is floating in space with the words “Retro nostalgia meets cosmic chaos! From video store clerks battling aliens to a high-stakes asteroid heist, these stories deliver interstellar excitement!”
The cover of The Doom Tapes, a science fiction collection by D.N. Schmidt. It is floating in space with the words “Retro nostalgia meets cosmic chaos! From video store clerks battling aliens to a high-stakes asteroid heist, these stories deliver interstellar excitement!”
Yellowish pheasant back mushrooms on a log.
Orange mushrooms on a small log
A screenshot of the Bluesky "hide this post?" confirmation window that has been edited to say "Hide from this post? You can duck behind the couch, or maybe curl up in one of the kitchen cabinets. The post shouldn't find you there." The button options are "Hide" and "Cry."
A package of Marvel Superhero Squad toys with Punisher and Ghost Rider. The bottom of the package says it's for ages three and up.
A brown Doberman/Australian Shepherd mix with white on his chest and a yellow bandanna with pink flamingos on it. He is sitting up in a begging pose. There is a bar with teal stools in the background.
The label for a ham that says Bi Spiral Sliced Ham
A screenshot of Amazon Best Sellers in Humorous Science Fiction showing The Screaming Void by D.N. Schmidt at number 100.
A bunch of arrows pointing to the cover of The Screaming Void, a space opera novel by D.N. Schmidt, floating over a purplish starry background. The arrows point out the interesting elements in the book, including ray guns, spaceships, space madness, knife fights, space gangsters, a mysterious cult, aliens, and cat science.
A bunch of arrows pointing to the cover of The Screaming Void, a space opera novel by D.N. Schmidt, floating over a purplish starry background. The arrows point out the interesting elements in the book, including ray guns, spaceships, space madness, knife fights, space gangsters, a mysterious cult, aliens, and cat science.
Banner for the Narratess Indie Book Sale, running April 11 to 13 at indiebook.sale. A chonky dragon reads a book, a pile of skulls with a candle and ghost sit on the left of the text, and a space ship flies by a planet on the right of the text. The whole thing is surrounded by book covers, including the cover for The Screaming Void, a space opera novel by D.N. Schmidt.
Banner for the Narratess Indie Book Sale, running April 11 to 13 at indiebook.sale. A chonky dragon reads a book at the bottom, a pile of skulls with a candle and ghost sit on the left of the text, and a space ship flies by a planet on the right of the text.
The cover of Inspiration Overdose by D.N. Schmidt, surrounded by images representing story ideas - A UFO, a zombie, a rocket, an atom, a dragon, and a solar system.
A thumbnail for a recipe for "Crock Pot Thai Chicken Thighs" that, for some reason, has an image of chocolate chip cookie bars instead of chicken
The Calendar Mess, a flash fiction piece. It was Christmas Eve, the night before the Fourth of July. All the kids were in bed, too excited to sleep. The Easter Bunny would be there any minute! Downstairs, Mom folded her arms and sighed. "You'd better fix this. I want real days back. I'm tired of this illusory mess. Yesterday, I couldn’t tell if it was Tuesday or the Triassic!” Dad nodded. "Don’t worry, I'm fixing the time machine right now. Everything is going to be fine. 
Hand me the duct tape."
A super adorable, brown dog cuddling with a teddy bear, also adorable.
A bicycle caught in a tree
The cover of They Ate The Waitress, a funny mystery novel by D.N. Schmidt, and the words “How do you solve a murder mystery when the evidence has been eaten?”
Some baby ramps, which are small green leafy plants, poking through a covering of brown leaves
A bunch of arrows pointing to the cover of The Screaming Void, a space opera novel by D.N. Schmidt, floating over a purplish starry background. The arrows point out the interesting elements in the book, including ray guns, spaceships, space madness, knife fights, space gangsters, a mysterious cult, aliens, and cat science.
A hydroponic laboratory and the article headline “Recycled human waste could turn the dust on Mars and the moon into fertile soil for crops”
A brown Doberman / Australian Shepherd mix wearing a bandanna with a green clover and leprechaun hat pattern
A picture of a flash fiction piece. After the accident, Hank came to the lab to investigate. “Did Dianne end up in the hospital? She hasn’t been home all night, and she isn’t answering my calls. It’s like she vanished.” “You’re more right than you know,” Dr. Quantum said gravely. “We were struggling to open the portal, and the equipment began to overheat. When the stabilizer’s temperature hit ninety degrees, a parallel universe briefly intersected our own. That’s when Dianne disappeared.” Hank huffed. “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” “I assure you,” Dr. Quantum insisted, “parallel universes are quite real!” Hank folded his arms. “Real or not, if it intersects ours at ninety degrees, that makes it a perpendicular universe.”
An article headline offering “Three Tips on Establishing Theme Throughout Your Screenplay.” Above it is a frame from one of the Toy Story movies showing Woody and Bo Peep.
A short story: The Animal Congress Natural Resources Committee gathered for an important debate. “We must harness the nation’s sticks for dam construction projects,” Senator Beaver said. “It’s the best way to create valuable lakes!” Senator Dog shook his head. “Sticks are for chewing! Why waste precious sticks on lakes when we have easy access to water in toilets?” “I hate you both so much,” Senator Tree grumbled.
Bela Lugosi in a publicity photo for Dracula. He is holding out one arm, making a mysterious motion with his hand, that could either be interpreted as Dracula using his hypnotic powers on someone, or Dracula making a horsey shadow puppet.
A static-covered television with the words "How can a VHS tape doom humanity? Read before it's too late." Next to it is a copy of the science fiction short story collection The Doom Tapes by D.N. Schmidt.
A notification window that says "Hide from the horrors? Just keep making silly jokes and hope the bad thoughts won't find you." Below that are option buttons for "Hide" and "Cancel".
The Chained Space Series by D.N. Schmidt book covers - The Screaming Void cover features a man in an orange jumpsuit standing next to a woman in a blue jumpsuit. They have a spaceship with graffiti on it behind them, and a starry background. There is an orange space helmet with a smiley face sprayed on it in the foreground. The Stolen Planet cover features the man in the orange jumpsuit again, as well as a yellow robot. They are examining a missile buried partway in the ground of a barren moon. The orange space helmet is in the foreground, and there is a starry background with a large planet.
A short story - Gary left his therapist’s office, still not feeling any better. He started the long walk to the laundromat, his pocket full of change jingling, but stopped. A large, green box was standing on the corner, lights blinking and flashing. It was one of those alien vending machines. There were constant rumors about them being dangerous, but the mysterious ships from Stellar Vending replaced the machines almost the instant they were removed, so the government gave up and settled for posting warning signs and running PSAs on television. This machine had icons of a brain, soap, and a washcloth. “Oh, it’s a memory wiper! I could finally forget about my unrequited love for Rachel.” He dropped in a quarter, but the machine was malfunctioning. There was no options screen. Instead, it just blasted him with blue energy. He blinked slowly, then opened his eyes wide. “Oh, it’s a memory wiper! I could finally forget about
 that lady.” He dropped in a quarter, and the machine blasted him with blue energy. “Oh, it’s a brain thingy. My bad thinks about love stuff can go bye bye." He dropped in a quarter.
The green lizard baby monster from V: The Series
An adorable brown Doberman/Australian Shepherd mix standing behind a baby gate
An article headline from SciTechDaily that says “This bonobo just did something scientists thought only humans could do.” Above it is a picture of the bonobo.
A short supernatural story: After the show, the puppeteer had a drink at the inn and then stumbled upstairs to his room. He awoke in the night to find a group of lambent spirits at the foot of his bed. His spirits. “Give us that accursed violin!” they demanded. “But seeing lost loved ones brings people joy!” he said. The ghosts sputtered angrily, like candle flames in a storm. “Joy? Ya mean booze! Yer nothin’ but a lazy drunk. Ya use stolen magic to pry us from our graves and make us perform for yer next bottle!” The nearest ghost lunged for his throat, but the puppeteer whistled and the magic violin flew into his hands. When he began to play, the song forced the spirits to dance. The magic dragged the ghosts around the room like glowing marionettes. The song rose until the violin’s enchanted strings snapped, breaking the spell. The cursed instrument could restring itself, and even make its own catgut. Unfortunately for the puppeteer, the nearest intestines were his own.